Fight, fight with every breath. God if you brought be here, then you tell me when to quit. Until then give me the strength and power to fight to the end.

If it's not meant to be, then let you take this away from me. I won't quit. 

Step by step, I will fight. Maybe I wasn't fighting before, but I'm here now. Maybe it's too late, but help me take up this sword, Lord. Give me the strength to take up your armor and fight another day. 

Be with me, Lord. You led be here, let it be you who brings me out.

Doesn't everyone?

What do you want? What do you desire?

Depending on the context, the question can be asininely simple or cannot be answered without writing many paragraphs describing the very nuances of our desires. At a restaurant, "what do you want?" Simple - I tend to like saltier and heartier foods, and for a decent price. But in life, "what do you want?" That....I'm still figuring out. I thought I'd know at 30, yet I'm 31 and I really have no clue. Is it necessary to have a north star like that? Maybe for some, but is it necessary for me? I don't know.

I met a person who could not tell if she genuinely liked something or simply wanted it because others had it. For example, when I was younger, I never had lunchables. Still to this day, I've never eaten a lunchable. I saw all the other kids have them, but I never asked my parents. I'm not sure why, maybe it was desirable but just felt like the type of thing my parents wouldn't get for me. No biggie.

Later on in life, I got the adult version of lunchables. Hormel's cracker ham and cheese tray. 3x the price as a lunchable for like 20x the quantity. I fucking love it. Honestly, I'm not sure if it taste all that good - it's nothing compared to some gourmet cheese charcuterie board set up, but I genuinely enjoy eating it. Maybe it tastes good, or maybe its just satisfying the childish desire of lunchables.

This person I met, in this lunchable example, grew up in an environment where her parents could not provide her with frivolous things like lunchables, and she knew that. So she denied the desire for herself, and wrote off others who liked these trendy things. But deep down, she wanted the trendy thing for herself. But she never tried it. So really, she doesn't know whether she likes it or just wants to do the trendy things - or if she actually really doesn't even like it?

Now she's well into adulthood, still the limbo between does she like it? Or does she want it because everyone else has it? But then, she judges those who just buy trendy things, because she had to as a kid. But as an adult...she can just buy it now. But the inner turmoil remains.

A simple question of "do you like that <object of desire>" for her doesn't lead to the simple answer of yes or no. For her it's..."doesn't everyone?"

That answer is so crazy to me, yet I really feel for her. How hard life must be when you don't know if your desires are your own.

What if you are successful in reaching all your desires, and finally you hit your pinnacle desire long term desire...and you realize that it wasn't you wanted all along? It was just someone else's dream, but not yours. So you should be happy but you're not. Wouldn't everyone else be happy in that situation? But not you. 

I just want my family and friends to be happy. 

friends

 I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be friends. Is it liking similar things? Is it knowing each other for a long time? Or having similar upbringings? Having similar VALUES? The big V word. Or is it just the vibes? Little v.

Some of these things don't change over time, like upbringing for instance. But most do - what I liked in high school, is not the same as what I like now. Some of it is the same, some of it isn't. I didn't like sushi in high school. I love sushi now.

It's interesting because I have these friends that I feel like if I met them now, I probably wouldn't be friends with them. That's not an attack at the guy I'm thinking of, but that's just how life goes. But still, I think very fondly of him, giving him a lot of the benefit of the doubt. I once did life with this guy. Despite most people having hundreds of friends on FB, friends are hard to come by, especially as you grow up. How many people do I interact with in my life? Maybe 50k in a lifetime? And how many did I ever consider a friend, a person I did life with? Maybe 100? What I'm saying it's incredibly rare to consider someone, even just an okay friend, not even a good friend.

I often think how elderly people come to find themselves lonely, decrepit, and angry at the world. The older I get, I see that pathway, and it's really easy. I have some really good friends that I have very different Values from. It'd be easy to say....well this person just loves extravagant things, and always tries to rope me in. I don't want this person in my life anymore. Or, this person is always so stubborn, always wants things their way. I think the path is that simple. You reject those around you for not seeing things how you see it. One of the key downfall sin the old testament was when "In those days Israel had no king; all the people did whatever seemed right in their own eyes."

I'm not saying friends are always worth keeping though. There are certain lines that must be drawn, I've definitely dismissed friendships. Especially ones that I felt like would be disrespectful to another friend if I didn't.

But...I don't want to be that lonely angry old man. Friends are too precious to lose over these things. I don't want my life to be full of anger and resentment. I want it to be full of love and joy.

I'm proud of who I am, confident in my values, yet I've never met someone exactly like me. I probably never will. But I've met a bunch of annoying people who I don't see eye-to-eye on everything...and I'm lucky to call them my friends.

june

I'm home in Jersey today. Considering the last time I was home was in December, this may be the longest time I've been away. Although I'm not sure it's really away now, as Chicago really feels like home and this feels more like getting away.

This month seems to have been a significant one. For one, it's been two years since I've started dating Tina. For those that have kept in touch with me after college, it almost seems longer, like she basically marked the beginning of my post-college life, and that would probably be somewhat accurate. For those who haven't kept up with me in college, it's almost like a surprise that I have a girlfriend and that two years have already passed by. From long distance dating to New York (I must say, I do not miss redeye flights), to Wheaton, and now to a 5 minute walk away, it's incredible to me that it's been two years.

One thing that hasn't changed in three years is my job at Signal. For the longest time, I think I just thought that Signal was one of the best employers I'd ever have. Time will tell how true that statement is, but Signal has definitely been a good employer. However, I think this month was one of the first times I began to see flaws in Signal. Perhaps it was this project going haywire, or it was talking to other friends, ex-employees of Signal that make me curious of other places. I don't know many other people that have stayed at their first job out of college for three years, yet here I am. A month away from my three year anniversary.

I started listening to Kendrick Lamar this month. Rap never appealed to me much because the rap that I had been exposed to was a lot of the glorification of sex, money, violence and drugs. Perhaps I wasn't listening closely enough, because even some of Kendrick's hits (Swimming Pool) I've heard before, and just associated it with drinking culture. After listening to his album DAMN, the story he threaded his album with caught me in. Along with his other album, Good Kid, mAAd city, it really illuminated my mind to see theres a deep story of pain in his music, even how he struggles with faith and the hardships of his surroundings.

Lastly, I think ever since my trip back to Taiwan, I've really wanted to learn more about my Asian identity. Sounds cheesy, I know. I learned that my maternal grandparents were on a honeymoon to Taiwan, when the borders between China and Taiwan closed, and that's the story of how my mom grew up in Taiwan. Learning about the history about how Asians first came to America is really saddening. I really don't know much yet, but I already feel like I know so much more than I knew, and I want to keep going. Reading about history that affected my ancestors feels like I can understand my Chinese relatives just a little more, and in turn, understand myself a little more too.

Well, it's late. I'm still confused about a job and still believe that my next five years may be the most formative in terms of career and life direction, and I'm fearful. I just read an 81 page pdf about the struggle to be a happy lawyer. Link. Pray for me, friends, this month has been really tough to keep my head up, especially to God.