le interviews

Both Bernard and I's alarms didn't go off this morning. I ended up waking up at 7:10 for my interview in Chicago at 9am.

Dressed and ran the longest mile of my life to the Davis L station and caught the Purple Line Express. Got to the building with 5 minutes to spare.

Interview lasted 6 hours...went okay. I think I did well enough to say I didn't bomb it, but we'll see on results.

Got out at 3, waited til 3:25 for Purple Express to go back up for interview on campus at 4:30...got there at 4:25. That interview went...not the greatest.



But not going to lie, it seems boring. Well I don't know about IMC, but Wolverine just didn't seem the most appealing. Super high pay though. Sigh. We shall see.

hurricane sandy

Okay, maybe a bit too much rest for me today. Not sure if I trust in God that much for my interviews or just being lazy. Most definitely the latter.

Work and rest. Need to find balance.

sabbath rest

I go back to New Community because it challenges me. I hate the awkward "greeting your neighbors" every week, but at the same time I know it's good for me. I guess that's how one of the ways you connect with people in church when you don't go to college anymore. IT forces me to know my place, that I am in a place of ease, where many responsibilities and duties are hidden from me or made easy for me.

In addition to this though, Pastor Peter always challenges the congregation (and himself). Today he spoke about Sabbath rest.

Deut 5:15
Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day.

God told the Israelites to observe the Sabbath, not to force upon this day onto them, but to remind them that they CAN rest. When they were slaves, they could not rest when they wanted to, but now God gives them a Sabbath day to remind that they are no longer slaves to anything. That they are free to rest.

Not applicable, I'm not a slave right?

Then why don't I rest on the Sabbath. Why do I feel so inclined to work, when I am called to rest? It's because I'm a slave. A self-induced slave, but a slave nonetheless. A slave to my parent's expectations, a slave to my personal glory, slave to money and feeling of worth attaining a job/internship. I'm a slave.

I'm a slave who doesn't trust. If I believed God were in control and had a plan for me, then I wouldn't feel so worried and so burdened by these upcoming interviews.

Sabbath rest...it's really about who you trust in.

heading home for thanksgiving

break down these barriers in md, God.

watched departed for the first time today

Worship tonight was logistically perfect. Came in at the right places, cut out at the right places.

But for me, it felt empty.

the most beautiful shades of orange..

Some updates.

Had a mental breakdown on the 'L' yesterday while onroute to my Backstop interview. So much of me is invested in attaining a job of some sort, too much of me. With an hour and half to think and process everything, it became even scarier when I realized I had banked so much on this part of me...and this part of me was failing miserably.

My resume looks good enough to land an interview, which is a good change from the past year, but I still can't seem to get past interviews. I've essentially gone 0 for 6? I've gotten past 1st round, then failed on second for some.

But my identity lies in me being a Son of God and not me having the ability to attain a well-paying computer science job. Maybe it's a lesson better learned now than after I get a job/internship. The entire time on the L I was just praying. Strange that times when I feel the most desperate and hopeless, those are the times I feel the closest to God.

I did better than I expected in the interview, proud of what I did. But the next day, I got a rejection email.

Nevertheless, I do need to study cs more.

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Men's Den. It has been great getting to know the guys on a "getting comfortable around each other" level. I can no longer say I am not in the AAIV clique. Whether I like it or not, I live around 10 AAIV junior guys that are all pretty active within AAIV...I am in this group.

It's good in the sense that I did want to get to know the guys living here better, but it's bad in the sense that it hasn't served a place for others of our class to get to know each other. Paul's commuting. Benison lives offcampus. Jihoon lives far away. Just multiple things. I don't want to add to clique building...

Should plan more class events.

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Family Group. It seems like it's going well. I should talk to more freshmen in Elder, but my members themselves seem to be getting along. I definitely have a completely different perspective from last year, but I can see that the result of my family group is...not from me. I can't make people excited or how they react to passage or my explanations.

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Friends.
I suck at friendships. Having a heart for many people makes you a terrible friend. I'm sorry Crystal, Yuri.

I still haven't figured out this work, social life, academic life balance.

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Strong desires for girls/gf arising in me and I hate it...just not the time.

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My sections get shorter and shorter as I become lazier to write.

i always get inspired when i think of, "all i have to do is put my mind to it"

i am.

and NOTHING is coming from it. Not even one good line of code.

One of those "I hate CS" days..

autumn colors are fading

new person at family group today, always encouraging.

teach me to be more like mary, God...

is it weird i had better conversations with people during summer?
seems like the summer daze of boredom brings forth more questions about existence and life than being stuck with a gcal-led college life.

now i have more convos....but less.

hated that people ignored basil at chinatown trip because he was a junior.

Taiwan beating Korea in LoL sort of brings out the worst in people in terms. I honestly can't say I rooted for taiwan from the beginning (even though I'm Taiwanese), I just didn't want a team that cheated to win...and I'm Taiwanese, so that was a plus.

I hate asian issues. Sigh, I won't say anymore.

people just don't have the same priorities as I do.

Which is why it blows my mind when people...

core thursday

I'm starting to miss the seniors. I miss big sisters.

Failed my 310 exam today. Like legitimately, failed.

Didn't realized I asked a friend to cancel a meal..when it was her birthday. Dat feel...need to desperately make up for that.

Got a meal to catchup with Sally today. It's so clear to me that life's not about money when people ask me, "so what's there to do in ______."

There's nothing to do anywhere. Let's get that straight. You eat, you can go to clubs, and then here are various money-spending activities that you would never do on a normal basis, just for fun. Example, jetskiing, going on top of _____ tower.

You do hobbies normally, but more importantly, you talk to people.

So sad to see people working so hard for something they're not sure is worth it.

Life is getting busier.

interviews

weird day.

bad: job i thought i would get easily, didn't get.

good: advanced to second round of interviews to job i never thought i'd get?

ran 2 miles

backstop interview in 2 hrs

Have we lost sight of what is good?

Pastor Peter this Sunday said when you ask Christians in America if they're excited to for Jesus to come back,t he response is lackadaisical.
"I kind of want to get married first..."

Yet in poor and suffering countries, the people there take the gospel as SUCH good news, and look longingly towards the day of His return. "TODAY, Jesus...TODAY!" they say.

My parents combined salary is over six figures, I am in the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world. And I keep wanting to get higher and higher, maybe the top 0.1% will satisfy me. Maybe.

But what is wealth when death comes along? What is wealth when questions of existence comes?

Saw a paralytic (a student, I suppose) getting fed in Sargent dining hall by his helper. Int hat moment, I thought...how blessed am I to be able to just sit here and eat independently.

I have lost sight of what is good.

autumn is beautiful

Ate with James today at Dixie Kitchen. It's nice to know that I can still talk to him and things are still good even when him and I live in completely different environments, interact with different people.

On my way back, I saw lights in the sky, so I started walking towards South Beach because I was curious. It looked like Japanese Sky Lanterns, but I wasn't sure.

Turns out it was. I asked someone what it was for, and they said it was for a memorial for a child.

A passerby elderly woman whispered to me, "This is great, isn't it..." It was great. It was beautiful. The lights quickly rose to the sky and disappeared above the clouds in astounding quickness. To see something so simple seem to have so much freedom, simply being pushed by the wind, toward Lake Michigan.

Night, water, and fire. Gives me those nice feels.

Came back, had a good talk with Eric and Nick. About Greek life, about Nick's weight transformation and how people treated him different afterward.

Didn't get any work done.

vball 9am tmrw?

i don't like meals because they feel forced. i much prefer good conversations that come up casually, but i think the ability to "catch up" with someone is essential..

tonight....more than i deserve.

interview at 10

morning run, 2.2 miles, brisk morning weather

been consistently eating breakfast ever since I switched to unlimited meal plan, something I've never done ever since my mom forced me to eat eggs before I went to school in middle school.

Also, my google time is off. So all my emails are timed 2 hours off. :[

morning yearning

I haven't run since Saturday(?)

This week flew by.

I have an interview tomorrow morning, and two on Friday for part-time jobs at NU.

Had a good meal with Joy today, but still felt that christian/nonchristian disconnect.

Amanda whispered to me about a freshman, "She doesn't want to join. She's not Christian." For some reason, I was so instantly saddened by this.

I wish I could tell them...but AAIV isn't just another social group. We're more than that!

Yet maybe TASC has a better upperclassmen retention rate than we do. It was interesting to hear Amanda talk about how TASC's upperclassmen retention rate is better than CSA's. I've only heard that type of thing with AAIV.

Maybe AAIV would be more effective as two fellowships because smaller fellowships have a tighter community?

But I don't want that. I dont want a ChineseIV and a KoreanIV. Shouldn't relationships between Christians transcend above size?

I'm friends with so many Christians, I forget how to act around nonchristians. I almost want to observe, as creepy as this sounds, nonchristian relationships.

Be strong and courageous, for it is the Lord that goes with you.

unproductive day

not sure if wimp. or trying to respect fellowship.

i hate career fairs

The christian life is suppose to be a life in victory, a life already won, a salvation already achieved.

But I still worry so much, I still have so much stake held in my major. I'm a CS major so you'd assume that in 2-3 years, I'll have a job in software development, and I'd assume so too.

But that actually happening...that path isn't clear. Career fairs are so scary, just realizing how inadequate I am as a programmer. If I know it, then the recruiters definitely know.

But pastor peter says its now about the job, it's about how you do it.

I'm a student now...I guess I'll start there.

this will be a hard academic year...

Sometimes I'm in a ridiculous mood, and I'm just so down to socialize, meet new people, joke around, etc...

Then somehow AAIV picnic hit, and suddenly that side of me has turned off. Now my voice is just deep and serious.

I must be bipolar or something...

I apologize to my friends..