This computer software "training" internship is turning into a do-whatever-the-hell-i-tell-you internship.
In fact, it seems like he's afraid to give me his source code to look at, like I'm going to steal it or something. Now it just seems like he's giving me random stuff as long as it's not coding.
So instead, I'm sticking labels on machines, adding watermarks to his videos, making usb cables, editting his powerpoints, and now he just came up with another bullshit task to change his powerpoints to pdfs, except he wants to embed the videos in the pdfs. Now I pretty much try to keep myself busy to avoid these tasks by practicing coding myself.
Sigh. It's time to man up and talk to this man.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
two
1. What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I can't say I've learned much from my internship, if anything at all. I don't think it's my employers thought, but at the same time, I don't think it's mine. I did spend a lot of time trying to learn the material, but it was just simply too far above my level, and I can't expect others to take time out of their jobs to teach me everything. This was suppose to be the internship that taught me a lot, especially since I'm not getting paid. But nope, after shuffling around projects for a month, finally I think he just gave up on projects for me. Instead I spent 8 hours printing labels and putting them on precisely with tweezers. (Sidenote: I had no idea, definitely a lifehack for the future, using tweezers to put on stickers/stamps.)
Not saying that I'm above that, but I want to learn. I want to be able to differentiate myself from the skills of a elementary schooler, middle schooler, high schooler...
My parents want to drop a lot of money on me taking industry programming classes that are super practical. I'm fine with taking them I guess, it's just disappointing when I spend so much on Northwestern and I can't get a fucking practical class that actually teaches me what I need to know for jobs. Web programming? iOS? Android programming? Nonexistant, unheard of at Northwestern. I guess that's the problem when you mix academic for academics sake, a theoretical field like "computer science," when all you really want to learn is "programming." The two aren't interchangeable.
I don't even know what I wan to do. I don't mind programming, and of the majors offered, I'd say I'd probably choose it over any of the others. But will I have job satisfaction with it? I don't know. Do I need job satisfaction?
And that leads to....
2. God
The knowledge, the truth is still there, even amidst these seemingly quieter times where I retreat back into being an introvert. But I'm not taking intentional risks here. It's easy with freshmen who are looking for friends, it's easy for people looking for a friendly face after focus...to take a risk and banter for a little bit, but with people who know me already? With the neighbor's who's names I can't even remember? With my brother? My parents?
Or even, I fear, friends within WCEC. When we're so comfortable with each other, that these necessary, deeper topics are passed over by easier and lighter topics. Not that any of us are shallow people, it just takes that push to start it (and cooperation, good topics, questions, alertness....).
And here I am talking about people during my "God" topic.
There was a life-sized model of Jesus in a church at Old Quebec that startled me for a second. In that split second, I realized I could let myself be affected by this powerful image or I could not show anything, take pictures, casually carry-on. I wouldn't want to show that side of me to my parents, to the passing by tourists.
I want to be unashamed.
And one and two...I want to find how to link these two together. But I guess you can't just attach God to your goals either...
I can't say I've learned much from my internship, if anything at all. I don't think it's my employers thought, but at the same time, I don't think it's mine. I did spend a lot of time trying to learn the material, but it was just simply too far above my level, and I can't expect others to take time out of their jobs to teach me everything. This was suppose to be the internship that taught me a lot, especially since I'm not getting paid. But nope, after shuffling around projects for a month, finally I think he just gave up on projects for me. Instead I spent 8 hours printing labels and putting them on precisely with tweezers. (Sidenote: I had no idea, definitely a lifehack for the future, using tweezers to put on stickers/stamps.)
Not saying that I'm above that, but I want to learn. I want to be able to differentiate myself from the skills of a elementary schooler, middle schooler, high schooler...
My parents want to drop a lot of money on me taking industry programming classes that are super practical. I'm fine with taking them I guess, it's just disappointing when I spend so much on Northwestern and I can't get a fucking practical class that actually teaches me what I need to know for jobs. Web programming? iOS? Android programming? Nonexistant, unheard of at Northwestern. I guess that's the problem when you mix academic for academics sake, a theoretical field like "computer science," when all you really want to learn is "programming." The two aren't interchangeable.
I don't even know what I wan to do. I don't mind programming, and of the majors offered, I'd say I'd probably choose it over any of the others. But will I have job satisfaction with it? I don't know. Do I need job satisfaction?
And that leads to....
2. God
The knowledge, the truth is still there, even amidst these seemingly quieter times where I retreat back into being an introvert. But I'm not taking intentional risks here. It's easy with freshmen who are looking for friends, it's easy for people looking for a friendly face after focus...to take a risk and banter for a little bit, but with people who know me already? With the neighbor's who's names I can't even remember? With my brother? My parents?
Or even, I fear, friends within WCEC. When we're so comfortable with each other, that these necessary, deeper topics are passed over by easier and lighter topics. Not that any of us are shallow people, it just takes that push to start it (and cooperation, good topics, questions, alertness....).
And here I am talking about people during my "God" topic.
There was a life-sized model of Jesus in a church at Old Quebec that startled me for a second. In that split second, I realized I could let myself be affected by this powerful image or I could not show anything, take pictures, casually carry-on. I wouldn't want to show that side of me to my parents, to the passing by tourists.
I want to be unashamed.
And one and two...I want to find how to link these two together. But I guess you can't just attach God to your goals either...
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
this week
- finish syringe pump DLL
- by Thurs
- read luke
- get to Luke 2 by Friday
- read ruby on rails
- idk
- chores
vague post
It's a lesson that I learn over and over again, and I guess one that I need to learn over and over again.
That my value comes from nothing else than the cross of Jesus Christ. Not from friends, accomplishments, girls,attention, attractiveness, skill or personal achievement, but simply from the cross.
But not quite simple at all. That I am worthy because God personally sent his Son to die for me. My swagger, my longboarding skills, my programming abilities, or social skills (or lack of)) didn't make a chink in the price of salvation.
The swagger comes from Jesus, not myself.
I was put in a situation today, that even though the person was being very ...polite in a sense, by keeping their word, it was a bit awkward for me, bringing me back to a place of vulnerability.
And of course, me, being the arrogant asshole I am, play it off like it's nothing, even though it's a huge step for this person to bring this up. I don't want to be put in my place.
I don't know..
That my value comes from nothing else than the cross of Jesus Christ. Not from friends, accomplishments, girls,attention, attractiveness, skill or personal achievement, but simply from the cross.
But not quite simple at all. That I am worthy because God personally sent his Son to die for me. My swagger, my longboarding skills, my programming abilities, or social skills (or lack of)) didn't make a chink in the price of salvation.
The swagger comes from Jesus, not myself.
I was put in a situation today, that even though the person was being very ...polite in a sense, by keeping their word, it was a bit awkward for me, bringing me back to a place of vulnerability.
And of course, me, being the arrogant asshole I am, play it off like it's nothing, even though it's a huge step for this person to bring this up. I don't want to be put in my place.
I don't know..
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
late night
No more forced deep topics. I can't consistently right them. As some youth pastor said a while ago, quality comes for quantity.
I'm getting into motorcycles again. There's something about riding in the night, whether longboards or (I suspect) motorcycles, that just gives me such peace. In fact, even something about the night. When I see pictures of the Chicago skyline along Lake Michigan, or Sheridan Rd, or NYC streets at night, I get good feelings, not because the picture is well-taken, but I just have good memories associated with those places.
I always tell myself that I wouldn't want to work in Chicago, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Even though it's terribly dangerous, I love wondering around at night when there's less people, less traffic. The people that are out are out for fun, not for business or school.
I guess different parts of the day have different feeling associated with them. Morning quiet peace, afternoon energy, and night reflection of the day.
Anyway, I think I'll try to be a standby on this weeks motorcycle training class. We'll see if it works.
I'm getting into motorcycles again. There's something about riding in the night, whether longboards or (I suspect) motorcycles, that just gives me such peace. In fact, even something about the night. When I see pictures of the Chicago skyline along Lake Michigan, or Sheridan Rd, or NYC streets at night, I get good feelings, not because the picture is well-taken, but I just have good memories associated with those places.
I always tell myself that I wouldn't want to work in Chicago, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Even though it's terribly dangerous, I love wondering around at night when there's less people, less traffic. The people that are out are out for fun, not for business or school.
I guess different parts of the day have different feeling associated with them. Morning quiet peace, afternoon energy, and night reflection of the day.
Anyway, I think I'll try to be a standby on this weeks motorcycle training class. We'll see if it works.
click
That moment when you realize that the conversation stopped being mouths trying to fill gaps, but voices trying to present their life, wanting to share a story, an experience. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to share all the details, to fill this person in, or to hear all their stories and their experiences.
It feels like you've climbed Mt. Everest, like you're trailblazing a path that you didn't know was possible. I love moments like those. When two people unite "in heart and mind," it feels like you're doing the right thing. Suddenly occupations and age seem unimportant, and it almost seems like you just slapped the Devil in the face.
That click.
It feels like you've climbed Mt. Everest, like you're trailblazing a path that you didn't know was possible. I love moments like those. When two people unite "in heart and mind," it feels like you're doing the right thing. Suddenly occupations and age seem unimportant, and it almost seems like you just slapped the Devil in the face.
That click.
money and friends
I was talking to UR the other day in the car, and he spoke of how he never lived on campus during his college years. Because he lived so close, his parents financially forced him to live at home, a mere 20 minutes away. But those 20 minutesthat saved him $5K/year cost him unfounded relationships, something priceless he says. He was still satisfied with his college experience, nonetheless. "You take what you get," he said.
Good man. But it got me thinking about these relationships we build. If someone asked me, "How much would I have to pay you for your friendship with _______ end?" What would that price be?
I couldn't say, but more than $5,000 I'll tell you that.
The two categories don't match up. Green paper can't win a fight against friendship and love. I hope.
Good man. But it got me thinking about these relationships we build. If someone asked me, "How much would I have to pay you for your friendship with _______ end?" What would that price be?
I couldn't say, but more than $5,000 I'll tell you that.
The two categories don't match up. Green paper can't win a fight against friendship and love. I hope.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
aimless
Not calm and collected. Too many things running through my head, too many worries, silly thought-out scenarios, too much laziness, not enough exercise, too many bad habits, wasted opportunities, too much silence, too much talking, too much complaining, overload of cheekiness, oblivious to just being nice, tired mindset for work, for church, not enough time, too much games,too much thinking about the future, not enough future planning, insecurities, pride issues, bad motives, negative reactions and poor word choices, stupidity, inferiority, superiority, untrustworthy...too many thoughts invading my mind.
God, grant me Your peace.
God, grant me Your peace.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
parents
This summer, is allowing me to see how broken my family is. No, we're not poor. We're doing alright financially, health-wise, and we don't want to kill each other. My mom and dad aren't getting a divorce, my brother and I aren't fighting, and I'm not fighting with my parents either.
But something is wrong when I'm struggling to speak up at the dinner table. I'm sure every awkward silence breaks my moms heart, but there's only so much you can say when the only thing your parents care about is comfort. A healthy lifestyle, a good and secure job, good money...and lots of "family time."
My mom thinks the solution is more "family time." Well, she doesn't say it, but I think that's what she thinks. The whole Delaware/New Jersey split. Given, I'd rather be hanging out with friends than with family at this point. I guess I could keep remarking on individual bad instances, but really it comes down to me thinking that my parents don't understand me anymore.
That if I had to explain my actions, which in my head usually have some sort of purpose to them, that it would be too much too explain to them. And if I were to explain to them, they wouldn't get it. I tried explaining Urbana to my dad, and he just wanted me to stay home. He brought up some pretty bad reason, that the flying at that time is really busy. I know that he wanted to say that I should stay home more, but he probably just didn't want to say that.
...so I signed up for Urbana without his consent.
Sigh, I don't want to keep rambling. I just want to be able to love my parents. I don't want to feel like I treat my home like a hotel, and my parents like a money source. How sad is it that the conversation I had with Angela today, someone 3 years younger than me, was probably better than most of my conversations with my parents.
But something is wrong when I'm struggling to speak up at the dinner table. I'm sure every awkward silence breaks my moms heart, but there's only so much you can say when the only thing your parents care about is comfort. A healthy lifestyle, a good and secure job, good money...and lots of "family time."
My mom thinks the solution is more "family time." Well, she doesn't say it, but I think that's what she thinks. The whole Delaware/New Jersey split. Given, I'd rather be hanging out with friends than with family at this point. I guess I could keep remarking on individual bad instances, but really it comes down to me thinking that my parents don't understand me anymore.
That if I had to explain my actions, which in my head usually have some sort of purpose to them, that it would be too much too explain to them. And if I were to explain to them, they wouldn't get it. I tried explaining Urbana to my dad, and he just wanted me to stay home. He brought up some pretty bad reason, that the flying at that time is really busy. I know that he wanted to say that I should stay home more, but he probably just didn't want to say that.
...so I signed up for Urbana without his consent.
Sigh, I don't want to keep rambling. I just want to be able to love my parents. I don't want to feel like I treat my home like a hotel, and my parents like a money source. How sad is it that the conversation I had with Angela today, someone 3 years younger than me, was probably better than most of my conversations with my parents.
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