two

1. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I can't say I've learned much from my internship, if anything at all. I don't think it's my employers thought, but at the same time, I don't think it's mine. I did spend a lot of time trying to learn the material, but it was just simply too far above my level, and I can't expect others to take time out of their jobs to teach me everything. This was suppose to be the internship that taught me a lot, especially since I'm not getting paid. But nope, after shuffling around projects for a month, finally I think he just gave up on projects for me. Instead I spent 8 hours printing labels and putting them on precisely with tweezers. (Sidenote: I had no idea, definitely a lifehack for the future, using tweezers to put on stickers/stamps.)

Not saying that I'm above that, but I want to learn. I want to be able to differentiate myself from the skills of a elementary schooler, middle schooler, high schooler...

My parents want to drop a lot of money on me taking industry programming classes that are super practical. I'm fine with taking them I guess, it's just disappointing when I spend so much on Northwestern and I can't get a fucking practical class that actually teaches me what I need to know for jobs. Web programming? iOS? Android programming? Nonexistant, unheard of at Northwestern. I guess that's the problem when you mix academic for academics sake, a theoretical field like "computer science," when all you really want to learn is "programming." The two aren't interchangeable.

I don't even know what I wan to do. I don't mind programming, and of the majors offered, I'd say I'd probably choose it over any of the others. But will I have job satisfaction with it? I don't know. Do I need job satisfaction?

And that leads to....

2. God

The knowledge, the truth is still there, even amidst these seemingly quieter times where I retreat back into being an introvert. But I'm not taking intentional risks here. It's easy with freshmen who are looking for friends, it's easy for people looking for a friendly face after focus...to take a risk and banter for a little bit, but with people who know me already? With the neighbor's who's names I can't even remember? With my brother? My parents?

Or even, I fear, friends within WCEC. When we're so comfortable with each other, that these necessary, deeper topics are passed over by easier and lighter topics. Not that any of us are shallow people, it just takes that push to start it (and cooperation, good topics, questions, alertness....).

And here I am talking about people during my "God" topic.

There was a life-sized model of Jesus in a church at Old Quebec that startled me for a second. In that split second, I realized I could let myself be affected by this powerful image or I could not show anything, take pictures, casually carry-on. I wouldn't want to show that side of me to my parents, to the passing by tourists.

I want to be unashamed.

And one and two...I want to find how to link these two together. But I guess you can't just attach God to your goals either...