humility

I think I realized I had a problem understanding humility when I made a fool of myself, when I asked question about the Parable of the Wedding Feast in Luke 14, during our Bible dig-in.

In the parable, Jesus tells people that they shouldn't so sit so high at the table, at the "places of honor." Rather, they should sit very low at the table, so then the person in charge of the feast will tell you to move up to a place of honor.

When I read this, I read it as a tactic to get the place of honor when it should be read as truly lowering yourself.

I read it that way because that's what I do. A few weeks ago, Pastor Peter said that people who grew up in churches are amazing at "image management." I know how to act, what to do, to appear godly, to appear like I have it together. I love WCEC to pieces, but sadly this is a culture that is fostered in WCEC, and I, too, was a perpetrator in this.

In turn, I lie to myself when people believe in this false image of mine. I lie to myself and believe in this false myself. Some kind of defense mechanism or something. Honestly, I think I've gotten better about it. I know that the God has fully fulfilled the covenant (Helen's post on today's sermon), His side and mine.

But I still cling to this image, this reputation.

Truly, what a twisted and perverted distortion of what humility is. I need to redefine what humility is in my life. The dictionary definition of humility is about being modest, but I disagree. Being modest, to me (and therefore, also humility), it sort of lying about how good you are. If I say I'm a terrible snowboarder, but then destroy everyone on the mountain, to me, that's being modest. And currently, to me, that's being humble.

But I don't think being humble is downplaying your own efforts. Rather, it's realizing how hopeless I am without God and without Jesus. I might be a good snowboarder, but I truly do some fucked up stuff in my personal time. Why I'm deserving of Jesus, why my name is worthy to be written in the Heavens....is beyond me.

I pray for genuine humility.