flow of thoughts

Currently residing in David Bai's apartment in LA.

I always look forward. Even now, when I should be enjoying last moments in California, I'm looking forward to going back, to having my own bed, to having my own space to collect my thoughts.

It's 2:15 here and the apartment is quiet. I'm lying on the living room floor with Kyle on the couch next to me. The balcony door is cracked open to let the cool evening air seep in -- something I wouldn't ever fathom doing in Chicago.

I'm forward thinking to what I should be doing this quarter, and when I get back I'll start this and I'll start that...which of course, I can only start when I have my own space and I'm comfortable.

Comfortable.

I'm running away towards things that are comfortable...but I'm running toward other comforts. Coming to California, everything is so nice. The food is cheap, the bubble tea is abundant, Highway 1 is gorgeous, the roads seem perfect for boarding...

Yet I want none of it. I want none of the culture that points to having money, women, big houses, and nice cars as king. Part of me thinks I'm acting holier-than-thou, but even sitting in Neptune's Net on the side of Highway 1 in Malibu, I think -- I can't do this everyday. I can't live like this. I don't want to live like this. I'm not even sure if it's a "I don't want to be comfortable" thing. I think it's more of a "This lifestyle looks so meaningless."

So I run to Chicago, where things aren't blue sky-ed and 70 degrees like it is in Los Angeles, ...yet I'm still craving my own room, my own personal space. Although, at the same time, I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't know. This trip has been fun but exhausting at the same time. There's a point where I don't want to checkout that new place anymore, nor do I want to eat out. I just want to sit, eat a homecooked meal, do stupid stuff. On one hand, I think it was good for me to push myself everyday to do things. But on the other hand, I'm exhausted.

hmm...too tired to think through thoughts on female friendships.

Props to you if any of this post makes sense to you at all. Good night.