sleepless

i'm not particular sure what caused my wake early this morning, but something did and now i'm up at 6am writing because my thoughts are so scattered-brained. i can't hold a thought very well and develop it in my mind -- honestly, perhaps i have had ADHD, no kidding. honestly, many times praying is so difficult for me for this particular reason. so I hope the writing helps, to be able to at least catch my own place in my thought and continue it.

i'm very lucky to have the friends i have. most days i'm unsure how it happened. i often (unhealthily) compare myself to the ones around me, and i don't think i'm as smart, clever, or as funny, or even more passionate about a single subject. in fact, often, my emotions from factors unrelated to our friendship can strongly affect how i act and feel, and of course, my face is an open book, that people can visibly see that something is bothering me, even someone who i've barely seen in the past two years read through me with a single look.

i've always found wearing my heart on my sleeve to be a certain curse. on one hand, i wish everyone wore their heart on their sleeve. i think intentions would be clearer, and people perhaps wouldn't play "the game" with each other. there would be less guessing to how the other person feels. this is largely in part of the reason why even hints of manipulation in people scare me, even the ability to lie well in a game such as mafia, simply because i cannot play this game. on the other hand, maybe it's a healthy thing sometimes to sort of take on the aura of another person, and forget about the nagging thoughts in your head, and take it easy for a night. to be able to say what you want to say, without fear of your face color changing with others don't take it the way you thought they would.

i turn twenty four on tuesday, although i had a celebration with some college friends tonight. usually numbers don't matter to me, you'd think after twenty one that you'd start counting in decades, twenty four feels special to me. perhaps i was born on the twenty-fourth, so the number seems strangely familiar and i've already associated myself with it before. of course, it was my go-to password number all these years before i started using password managers (which btw, if you don't use one, i highly recommend doing so).

i will say, that as someone who does unintentionally reveal emotion, the best moment is when i feel i don't have to hide. even if i don't hide successfully outside, i'm still trying because i don't want to be that negative nancy, affecting the entire group i'm in -- although i feel like i'm often guilty of that. sometimes that simply involves going home and being by myself. however, sometimes it means running to a close friend, almost like a safe house. perhaps that's why delaware draws such strong emotions from me, because i do see my delaware friends in that way, and wcec in that way. so much so, that sometimes there's more comfort in talking to a delaware friend (particularly wcec) i haven't talked to in a long time than someone i even interact with on a normal basis.

perhaps sometimes i run back too quickly, not fully engaging myself in a group. i did find fellowship difficult in college, and even now, i'll say that i'm the most detached from a fellowship than i've ever been -- not a good thing. this is to say that beloved (the church i attend) has one of the most selfless pastors i've ever seen, with people in their twenties and early thirties, yet i find myself unwilling to attend small groups some nights. honestly, no complaints about beloved. i'm so lucky to be able to attend a church like it and i can't expect a group to cater to my needs so intricately, so in this case, i think the responsibility really lies on me. perhaps i think i can live the christian life without community, even when it's so clear that i can't.

i'm twenty four and there's no more children's milk left to drink for me. it's time to be able to consume whole foods now. but i hate solutions like that too though: pick up yourself. grow up. there is truth in those statements, definitely. but there's no gentleness and grace. dear trusted reader, please pray for me that there would be a wholeness in my thoughts and a desire to engage myself. i will pray for you, at least the small amount of you who i think looks at this thing anymore. especially for you, my newly engaged friend. congratulations =].

hello

1. what do you do when you are face to face with your failure? the way i see it, there are three options -- we berate ourselves mercilessly, we pretend that the failure never happen, or pick ourselves up and try to learn from it, and keep moving on. my guess is that we've all done all three.

even as i'm writing this, i'm remembering my failures and i'm disappointed at myself for all the times i haven't done the "positive choice" and deriding myself yet again. even in our failures, there is grace, and even how we deal with our failures, there is grace upon grace.

2. something hit me so quickly on sunday when a man shared his testimony with me in humbleness and sheer honesty -- why? not to "humble-brag" or be "that" christian that confesses sins, but truly to serve, and to make those around him realize that god is not too good for our sins.

3. sometimes i think that things will just happen to me. the right moment will come and the right thoughts will come and the next great philosophy theory will fly out of my fingers and onto the screen. or, the right moment of inspiration will come, and my code's architecture will be beautiful and pristine. or, the moment will come where all the words i have to say to my loved ones around will, will be able to said in the ideal moment. i wait for those moments.

and perhaps sometimes those moments do happen, and things to come together nicely. but i think for the most part, that beautiful fruit will be from come from learning that i am not made to serve myself, but to serve a king.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?