success/failure

This idea that my success is dependent on me is a lie. I think. I still believe that if I learn the right languages for CS, if I get the right internships, and if I do the right research, I'll be successful. I have no idea what exactly my "success" will mean, but in my mind it's some moment in my life that I can point to and say, "yep, that's when I was finally successful." Sort of how I thought getting that A in Moran's World History class was...or getting straight A's in 11th grade for the first time since 3rd grade...or breaking 2200 on the SATs...or getting into NU..or getting a super high GPA freshmen year?

What's it going to be next, Rich? A girlfriend, a job, a wife, kids, and then repeat everything for their lives. And somewhere in there I'll be successful.

I asked God today, "What's holding me back, God." I feel like I've been stagnant this past quarter, and many pastors say that you are either going further in your faith or retreating, there is no flat ground, no plateau. For some reason, the thought "you are afraid of failure" popped into my head.

Failure. I'm afraid to confront someone because I think it'll ruin the relationship. I'm afraid to study content outside of my classes because I'm afraid I'll still know nothing and it'll end up just being wasted time. I'm afraid to ask that girl because I'm afraid of rejection. So I back off. It's not a failure if I never tried, right? Instead, I go to things I have control over. League of Legends, where I can consistently "win" against bots and get the most kills on the team. What a load of shit, Rich.

There is this other idea that I keep bringing up that seems to go hand-in-hand. It's the thought that you'll never be ready for somethings; sometimes you just have to do. It's like that moment right before you prepare to go on stage, right before you take a hard test, right before you ask a  girl out, when you try a harder level (say, black diamond on a snowboard). You'll never be fully ready for those moments. YT even mentioned today that his marriage class asked him to interview his parents, and one of the questions was to ask his arents about the decision to have kids. His dad said, 3 years after marriage, they wanted to have kids, but he still didn't feel "financially ready" to do it. But the kids came, and 4 kids and 22 years later, he said his dad still doesn't feel "financially ready" to support kids.

I guess I have two points.

The first about failure. I shouldn't be afraid of it, because my definition of success is foolish. What if I saw success as what Jesus did for me? I've already won and nothing can take that away from me. I shouldn't be afraid of failure. I don't need to have control over my life. At no point in the past 20 years have I felt like I had "control." But God has been faithful in so many ways. This is how I should know that I am successful. If I truly believed that Christ's success is my success, that Christ's purity is my purity, then I wouldn't be afraid. I would take more risks because I'm not afraid of rejection or wasted time or broken relationships. Because my success is not defined by those things, it's defined by something eternal, independent of myself...and so beautiful.

The second is about "just doing it." I'm afraid of next year for the hard coursework, for small group leading (if I get it), for all the implications of junior year, being that much closer to getting out of college...the big question: then what? I'll never be ready for these things, but I shouldn't be afraid of these things. Great things come when people decide to take on a challenge. From YT's example of supporting a family of 6 to something as simple as conquering a hill.

I write too much. Conclusion?

Psalm 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation —whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?