too much

change at once.

not really sure what's happening.

little one

film: lake michigan

when will you stop running.

come away with me

miss almagation

I miss Cape Henlopen sunrises. Waking up at some ungodly hour in the night because the mosquitoes wouldn't stop bothering me and Allen wouldn't stop snoring. Try to unzip the tent to not wake up the seven other guys crammed in the tent -- stepping out of the stuffy tent to be met with a cool crisp air.

Then realizing it was too dark out, so returning to the tent to get a flashlight all while making too much noise and stepping on a few feet, silently apologizing.

Walking a distance to the public restroom to put on contacts. Whispering at tents to find others lying awake, to see if they too want to join in the sunrise.

Walking down that path, happily, for a mile, to fall asleep Frank's guitar playing on the beach while the sun came up.

-

I miss when I had to worry about my friends doing well on my counter-strike team, and not when they have drug problems. I miss heading to Friday youth group early, just to sit there and rest from the week. Maybe listen to a sermon in the car in the lot and watch the sky change color.

I miss waking up to a phone call, realizing I had overslept and Peter was waiting outside for his ride to school. I miss driving to Brandywine on weekends, racing the whole way there.

I miss longboarding down Towers because that's the best hill we have, then walking up. And doing that seven times over and not even think about the time passing.

I miss when we didn't need restaurants and expensive things to entertain us, we just needed ten guys in a basement with laptops and desktops and a good LAN switch.

I miss having no knowledge and being in awe of Dan's experiences and readings, and how he formulated his questions and thoughts off of them.

I miss those pews, and the delicious but sometimes bad sunday lunch.

I miss calling Burger King everyday to save $3 on survey coupons. I miss making up excuses to come together, and listening to London while trying to discern each other's lives. I miss watching FIFA games everyday and watching all of Harry Potter.

I miss not giving a shit about what I write and not censoring myself.

-

But it's not good to miss, because what's past is past. I suppose I should consider myself lucky to have experienced these things to begin with -- and I do.

TR

speak softly and carry a big stick.

having your shit together

You'll never have your shit together. Ever.

There will always be another thing to worry about after you achieve that thing.

After getting acceptances into colleges.
After finally choosing a major.
After finally attaining an internship.
After finally doing well on MCATs.
After finally receiving a job offer.
After finally getting acceptances into medical schools.
After finally getting a significant other.
After finally getting married.
After finally having kids.
After finally ...

That shit will never end and we will never reach a place where we can rest in our accomplishments.

The only thing, now and forever, will be Christ. Therefore, the focus is not in the accomplishments but how we can hold peace, clutch tightly to it and never let it go.

(This post is more for me than anyone.)

such great heights

Atop Griffith Observatory

Goodbye, mountains. You've been a good respite from Chicago.

san diego

La Jolla cliffs

I will come back here someday.

sit and watch

descending into los angeles

I just want to sit and watch life happen, and take it all in slowly -- one scene at a time.

our individualistic ways..

"If you want to reject something, reject the idea that life is all about you. Reject being too absorbed in your own travails to see that others are hurting. You may not have the power to control who rejects you, but what you do have is the ability to make others feel loved and accepted for who they are."

breathe

resting at Ravinia

Standing on the Merchandise Mart platform after work, gasping for air.

It's the balance between stretching yourself and stretching yourself thin.

interesting

"You walk into a classroom at college. Princeton's an extremely tough school to get into, everyone is really smart. But everyone in the room knows who the three smartest people are.

Can you get those three smartest people to work for you? That's my indicator of success."

-Mike Sands (CEO of BrightTag)

someone who believes in you

"I believe in you" can be one of the strongest phrases said.

In context of when you can't seem to find success or find belief in yourself, the people who both know who you are and still believe in your success (whatever that success may be-financial, spiritual, relational...) - these are the people we call our best friends.

I wonder what it looks like when you do become successful, and many people believe in you simply because you are already successful. But that process of believing in a person is different - seeing the success, then believing rather than understanding the individual in times of struggle than believing.

It's be hard to differentiate between the two amidst success, and the only people that you can be sure are your non-fairweather friends are the ones who you knew before your success.

On the other hand, having someone who knows you well and doesn't believe in you can be one of the most debilitating and destructive things to a person.  

another one of these posts

I'm not sure why I write. It gives me some type of peace, let's my mind settle for a little while, at least on some topics. But my mind will never rest, what happens in a day may take a week just to think about what exactly happened, but the days don't stop and never will.

So it's a poor solution to think out everything that happens, one that is draining and never ceasing.

I don't write to help people get to know me. Maybe that's a side benefit, but it's definitely not the main point. I don't write to convince people of things. If I wanted to do that, I'll do that in person. I don't write to hurt others.

I write for myself. Honestly, I think a diary or private blog would be more fitting to what I want to write, but for some reason having this blog public pushes me to write better. But because this is public, it is filtered.

The purpose of this blog is to write down my thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less.

jack of all trades

Might as well keep going. I want to learn piano...

guard your heart

I feel like this phrase is used as a nicer way of saying "fuck boys," which I don't believe what the biblical phrase is actually referring to. I am probably exaggerating but I'm willing to bet that that phrase is used closer to the above statement than to its biblical meaning.

The idea, I believe, is that if you guard your heart, you will not be hurt. Instead, some day, the right person that you "save yourself for" will come, and he/she (also applies to men, but this term is definitely used more by women) will come and this person will never hurt you. Then you will continue your unhurtful, perfect and shiny relationship forever into the sunset. On a pony. In France. And only with a ring that's worth three month's of his salary. That's exactly what Solomon meant in Proverbs when he wrote that. Evidently, I have a huge bias and some bitterness, and I admit it -- but I'll still continue.

Honestly, I couldn't tell you what "guarding your heart" really means. Nor am I some relationship expert; admittedly, I'm quite the opposite. But this is what I do know: Jesus didn't guard his heart, in the sense of the phrase that we know--he didn't shield himself from hurt; in fact his willingness to embrace hurt and accusation (embracing accusations) gave him a greater capacity to love, one that no one had ever seen before. Therefore, guarding your heart can't mean avoiding hurt.

I don't think it means chasing after hurt, but it definitely doesn't mean avoiding it. That's as much of a conclusion as I can make on this phrase.

small things

1. I've been waking up abnormally early. I went to sleep around 1am last night and woke up at 8am and couldn't fall back asleep. People have always told me about "not being able to fall asleep," but I've always been so confused as to how that is possible. Either I'm getting older or my no-blinds-window makes it too bright in the morning, forcing me to get up.

2. Illinois is too flat. I want some see cliffs and valleys, climb mountains and sit somewhere and simply breathe in the landscape. I suppose I shouldn't complain--it's not bad around here, but I guess I'm ready for a change of scenery.

3. I'm out of chicken.

questioning passion

I've always told myself that a person should have passion--something they yearn for and want desperately. It could be anything, from really caring about a cause to pushing yourself to be a great swimmer. As long as it challenged you and wasn't illegal, I suppose, but even that is debatable.

But I've changed my thoughts, slightly because I believe that passion is dangerous. For most people, it's hard to become passionate about something. Hmm...wait. 

Is it hard to have passion because passion doesn't come by easily or because we're already passionate about something? And speaking on behalf of most second generation Asian-Americans, it's our "passion" to get a job, become financially successful and make our parents proud. I put "passion" in quotes because it's a shitty passion. 

Actually, I should not even bring parents into this. We want a job, lots of money, a house in nice neighborhood, a good spouse -- this path that we all envision our life to be mapped to. That is our passion. The whole "parents" addition is added pressure to do this, yes, but I must say that I'm not a very dutiful son, yet I struggle with these things too. 

This path that we set ourselves on, whether we realize it our not, is the reason why we don't question spending a shitload of money on a college education or if we should go to college at all. It's why I'll apply for a job fall quarter somewhere I've never been without giving it a second thought. It's why we didn't hesitate to drop over $500 on Urbana and $400 on Cedar, yet look to our feet to the man asking for a dime on the 'L'. It is not to say that these things are bad, but it's just that if we don't find something that trumps our "passion," this is the path our lives will take.

And that's why passion is dangerous. It makes you think you are doing the right thing, maybe you are even trying really hard, when really all your efforts are going into something that you don't actually want.

And that's scary isn't it? The thought that one day, you'll achieve what you worked so hard to achieve and realize it wasn't what you actually wanted.

I will say this: passion trumps laziness. To try and see is better to have never tried or seen. But question everything, my friends.