Talking to Ron tonight, and he talked about it felt when someone completely knew you. He said people desired to be known completely and loved, and often the two go hand in hand. If you don't completely know someone, how do you know you love them...and if you love someone, how can you be sure if you don't completely know them?
Now, the word "completely" can mean anything from like...everything about you there is to know, but I'll prefer to think of it as things you try to hide from people. Sometimes I sit around and some of the most embarrassing things I've ever done in my life just flash into my mind, consecutively. If someone knew all those moments. Or how I am when I wake up, when you actually live with me, my bad habits, etc etc.
Because I feel like we're always trying to sell our self, to present our best side to people for....approval? I don't want to use that word because it sounds so selfish. Obviously you won't share the worst things about yourself upon meeting someone...it's just how things are.
But for someone to completely know you and love you...
I suppose that's one of the reasons why a relationship with Jesus is so rewarding.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
thoughts in the shower
-spiritual high
-thoughts on winterfest course
-small group leading
-responsibility but men ought to take on responsibility?
-parenting
-even more responsibility and risk than small group leading
-starting something you really have no idea how it will go
-thoughts on winterfest course
-small group leading
-responsibility but men ought to take on responsibility?
-parenting
-even more responsibility and risk than small group leading
-starting something you really have no idea how it will go
brother
Tomorrow is my brother's birthday. I remember way back in the Xanga days, I think I make a whole post on Eric, and how he was awesome with his Robotics things and just studying...I saw him as a strong role model. I think as I spent less and less time with him in high school, I guess that image sort of faded.
We never were the type to be super tight, we never had the same friend group, not like Dan/Allen or Dan/Tim. But I still have a lot of respect for my brother...he's so patient. Any girl that marries him will be a lucky woman. He's like my dad, hardworking, dedicated and selfless.
But when I went to Delaware I became independent. I made my own friends, made my own grades, earned my own scores, and played my own sport. I think that's why people never assume that I have a big brother, because honestly I matured in those 4 years in Delaware like no other. Somehow now my best relationships now are me being the older brother with young sisters. Odd how that works out, but I digress.
I want to get to know my brother better. After all, your brothers/sisters are the only people that you'll know from birth to death. I want him to become one of my best friends. I definitely enjoy spending time with him whenever I go back, but it's definitely not your typical little brother/older brother relationship. I don't feel older than him, persay, but I definitely am not babied by him. It's almost like we're just really tight cousins, and I'm an only child. Which is HORRIBLY sad.
I love my older brother, for having my back growing up...for not beating me up like some older brothers have to their little brothers. He had a rough childhood up until 8th grade and then prime-time high school, the rough college life I think. Pharmacy school is tough, and he didn't find a home with a fellowship at RU. I think one of the reasons why my parents wanted me to go to RU was to look after him.
Sigh. I bought him a Jeremy Lin tshirt for his birthday, but it's backordered and will probably get shipped super delayed. Thought that counts right?
I shall start calling him weekly, along with my parents. Sometimes I feel like when I've talked to one person (Mom or Dad), I've talked to the whole family...and that's just not true.
We never were the type to be super tight, we never had the same friend group, not like Dan/Allen or Dan/Tim. But I still have a lot of respect for my brother...he's so patient. Any girl that marries him will be a lucky woman. He's like my dad, hardworking, dedicated and selfless.
But when I went to Delaware I became independent. I made my own friends, made my own grades, earned my own scores, and played my own sport. I think that's why people never assume that I have a big brother, because honestly I matured in those 4 years in Delaware like no other. Somehow now my best relationships now are me being the older brother with young sisters. Odd how that works out, but I digress.
I want to get to know my brother better. After all, your brothers/sisters are the only people that you'll know from birth to death. I want him to become one of my best friends. I definitely enjoy spending time with him whenever I go back, but it's definitely not your typical little brother/older brother relationship. I don't feel older than him, persay, but I definitely am not babied by him. It's almost like we're just really tight cousins, and I'm an only child. Which is HORRIBLY sad.
I love my older brother, for having my back growing up...for not beating me up like some older brothers have to their little brothers. He had a rough childhood up until 8th grade and then prime-time high school, the rough college life I think. Pharmacy school is tough, and he didn't find a home with a fellowship at RU. I think one of the reasons why my parents wanted me to go to RU was to look after him.
Sigh. I bought him a Jeremy Lin tshirt for his birthday, but it's backordered and will probably get shipped super delayed. Thought that counts right?
I shall start calling him weekly, along with my parents. Sometimes I feel like when I've talked to one person (Mom or Dad), I've talked to the whole family...and that's just not true.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
sigh
There are other things in life of much more importance than this whole KP thing, that I really should brush it aside. If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, it doesn't.
To live intentionally in building community amongst our own class or to live intentionally in Bobb to make sure there are AAIV people here.
Haha...but that's not on my mind right now...I'm not that holy, lol.
Sigh. Talked to Eddie and Billy tonight. Definitely good to hear from them again, for sure. This quarter I can definitely see myself continuously choosing social life over academic life, so I wonder how my grades will be this quarter. Today in the library might've been one of the only legit days I studied for 222.
My mind's wondering. Something's making me uneasy...and it's not academics, not KP, not friends from home, not seniors graduating, not classes next quarter,...
NYR#11 (edit: i wrote #10...it was late)
Sigh, maybe I should go to Hinman. But now JN's living there, so that's a bit weird.
Not to say sophomore year has been bad in the least bit. I love sophomore year. I've gotten to know many people and I've come a long way from the person I was last year. I've chosen a major I enjoy, I'm in the glorified position of knowing a lot of freshmen, I love my Worship Team, I enjoy small group, I enjoy the independence. I enjoy seeing new friendships arise. In terms of number of people I've gotten to known, number of deep conversations I've had, nothing compares to college.
But man, I miss chilling with WCEC. What, like a group of 6-7 people that all got tight with each other? Freaking good times. Maybe that's why I'm always so pro-active in planning stuff when I go back. I still have walls up here, admittedly. I miss brothers and sisters who are the same age...plus Mary.
Let's all go on a cruise this summer please. Or just chill and watch Olympics and pretend like we actually care. Much cheaper =).
(Men's Den it is then..)
To live intentionally in building community amongst our own class or to live intentionally in Bobb to make sure there are AAIV people here.
Haha...but that's not on my mind right now...I'm not that holy, lol.
Sigh. Talked to Eddie and Billy tonight. Definitely good to hear from them again, for sure. This quarter I can definitely see myself continuously choosing social life over academic life, so I wonder how my grades will be this quarter. Today in the library might've been one of the only legit days I studied for 222.
My mind's wondering. Something's making me uneasy...and it's not academics, not KP, not friends from home, not seniors graduating, not classes next quarter,...
NYR#11 (edit: i wrote #10...it was late)
Sigh, maybe I should go to Hinman. But now JN's living there, so that's a bit weird.
Not to say sophomore year has been bad in the least bit. I love sophomore year. I've gotten to know many people and I've come a long way from the person I was last year. I've chosen a major I enjoy, I'm in the glorified position of knowing a lot of freshmen, I love my Worship Team, I enjoy small group, I enjoy the independence. I enjoy seeing new friendships arise. In terms of number of people I've gotten to known, number of deep conversations I've had, nothing compares to college.
But man, I miss chilling with WCEC. What, like a group of 6-7 people that all got tight with each other? Freaking good times. Maybe that's why I'm always so pro-active in planning stuff when I go back. I still have walls up here, admittedly. I miss brothers and sisters who are the same age...plus Mary.
Let's all go on a cruise this summer please. Or just chill and watch Olympics and pretend like we actually care. Much cheaper =).
(Men's Den it is then..)
 |
| smile |
Saturday, February 25, 2012
His Power
Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to force a change on yourself. I'm not talking about picking up a new hobby, which in itself is still pretty hard, but not impossible. I'm talking about changing the way you live your life.
Yes, I have role models and I aspire to live like them, but can I really become them, just through simple repetition and effort? This "Man of God" image I have in my head...it's impossible to achieve without the power of God. Yes, after retreats, I'm so inspired to "put away childish things," but it's not so easy.
I have changed from freshmen year in high school. I went from school girl-crazed, constantly flirting guy to becoming...well, less so. Especially the constantly flirting part. I remember talking to Jenny Fei about this wayyyy back during freshmen year Spring Retreat. Change didn't just happen in a day...it gradually overcame me until one day I realized I was different. And glory be to God for that transformation because I couldn't have done it without Him.
Last year, Rich the antisocial freshman, very reserved, always had his "walls up," as Christine Kim said. I still astound myself when I see myself communicating with different people, 1 on 1, very comfortably and confidently. I didn't expect to get tight with Eshin, or Steven Pan...or any of the freshmen really. Or Bobb bros.
I remember reading something during Senior year of high school, or it was probably something that Uncle John said that went something along the lines like this:
God works through your weaknesses and makes them your strengths. I'm sure God also works through your strength too, but when God works through your weaknesses, and you suddenly (or gradually) see yourself overcoming barriers you couldn't before...you HAVE to attribute that to God, because there was no way you could have changed your weakness yourself.
John Piper stuttered and was scared of public speaking in High School.
So stuff like this makes me wonder if I should have this goal in mind, or whether I should just continue to seek God, and the changes that He wants me to have will simply naturally come over time.
I don't know. I would like to say man's willpower has something to deal with it still though.
In other news, I still need to work on that prayer journal.
Yes, I have role models and I aspire to live like them, but can I really become them, just through simple repetition and effort? This "Man of God" image I have in my head...it's impossible to achieve without the power of God. Yes, after retreats, I'm so inspired to "put away childish things," but it's not so easy.
I have changed from freshmen year in high school. I went from school girl-crazed, constantly flirting guy to becoming...well, less so. Especially the constantly flirting part. I remember talking to Jenny Fei about this wayyyy back during freshmen year Spring Retreat. Change didn't just happen in a day...it gradually overcame me until one day I realized I was different. And glory be to God for that transformation because I couldn't have done it without Him.
Last year, Rich the antisocial freshman, very reserved, always had his "walls up," as Christine Kim said. I still astound myself when I see myself communicating with different people, 1 on 1, very comfortably and confidently. I didn't expect to get tight with Eshin, or Steven Pan...or any of the freshmen really. Or Bobb bros.
I remember reading something during Senior year of high school, or it was probably something that Uncle John said that went something along the lines like this:
God works through your weaknesses and makes them your strengths. I'm sure God also works through your strength too, but when God works through your weaknesses, and you suddenly (or gradually) see yourself overcoming barriers you couldn't before...you HAVE to attribute that to God, because there was no way you could have changed your weakness yourself.
John Piper stuttered and was scared of public speaking in High School.
So stuff like this makes me wonder if I should have this goal in mind, or whether I should just continue to seek God, and the changes that He wants me to have will simply naturally come over time.
I don't know. I would like to say man's willpower has something to deal with it still though.
In other news, I still need to work on that prayer journal.
Friday, February 24, 2012
miss KP
Don't know whether to initiate more, or initiate less.
Don't know whether to send more texts or send less
Don't know whether to to be more obvious or less
Don't know whether to go for it or whether to back off.
so I sit here.
if only, if only
Feels good to be chasing...but also feels like shit. 'tis life.
Pardon my French.
--
And I just realized one of my friends actually has the initials KP. It's not her, lol.
Don't know whether to send more texts or send less
Don't know whether to to be more obvious or less
Don't know whether to go for it or whether to back off.
so I sit here.
if only, if only
Feels good to be chasing...but also feels like shit. 'tis life.
Pardon my French.
--
And I just realized one of my friends actually has the initials KP. It's not her, lol.
wasted
Another day gone by, and I did nothing academically, so I feel just plain stupid.
I guess that shows that I value academics a lot...but not enough to actually do anything, or I'm just plain lazy.
I napped for three hours after lunch (Tues/Thurs lunches are never as good as MWF lunches with Phil and Yuri), and then proceeded to do nothing. Then went to work, where I watched Jeremy Lin do terribly. Talked to Basil.
Came back from work, chilled with Ron for discipleship. Then talked to Yuri, Esther S, and Billy for a bit. I guess socially it's been a good day.
I'm thinking about taking HDPS340 (coined "Marriage 101" at our school). "How to build long-lasting relationships." I've never taken a joke course at Northwestern, neither have I taken a thought-provoking one. The closest I've come to it is taking the Theology of Love last spring...until I came across the first ridiculously dense reading and dropped it quickly.
Everyone says it's their favorite class at Northwestern though (according to the ctecs). Who knows...I'd be taking it for absolutely no credit, just pure thought-provoking goodness. Get my "money's worth" I suppose, but still odd.
You have to take the course with a (female) partner and they say that the course is only as good as you are compatible with your partner...
I guess that shows that I value academics a lot...but not enough to actually do anything, or I'm just plain lazy.
I napped for three hours after lunch (Tues/Thurs lunches are never as good as MWF lunches with Phil and Yuri), and then proceeded to do nothing. Then went to work, where I watched Jeremy Lin do terribly. Talked to Basil.
Came back from work, chilled with Ron for discipleship. Then talked to Yuri, Esther S, and Billy for a bit. I guess socially it's been a good day.
I'm thinking about taking HDPS340 (coined "Marriage 101" at our school). "How to build long-lasting relationships." I've never taken a joke course at Northwestern, neither have I taken a thought-provoking one. The closest I've come to it is taking the Theology of Love last spring...until I came across the first ridiculously dense reading and dropped it quickly.
Everyone says it's their favorite class at Northwestern though (according to the ctecs). Who knows...I'd be taking it for absolutely no credit, just pure thought-provoking goodness. Get my "money's worth" I suppose, but still odd.
You have to take the course with a (female) partner and they say that the course is only as good as you are compatible with your partner...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Man of God
I want it, God. I know I don't realize the difficulty of how to achieve it, but I want it. I want to be able to stare in the face of sexual seduction and, like Boaz, be able to keep composure and handle the situation correctly. Of course, this means staying faithful in the small things, even when temptations rise at random times. Boaz was tempted in the middle of sleep, even then he was faithful.
God walk me through this, every step taken forward I thank you, Lord.
God walk me through this, every step taken forward I thank you, Lord.
dear donovan and hope
I really wish I could communicate with you the way I could communicate so easily with any AAIV. In AAIV, I'm the one who pushes conversations forward, the one who desperately tries to find a connecting point, very comfortable and confident with who I am.
Throw me into a car with these people who I've known for a while but never been able to quite connect with, and I'm speechless. I don't know how where to connect, what to say.
I really wish I could talk to you guys easily. I really want to get to know you on a deeper level, but there's just some barrier that I can't get over. I truly am sorry. I'm trying.
Throw me into a car with these people who I've known for a while but never been able to quite connect with, and I'm speechless. I don't know how where to connect, what to say.
I really wish I could talk to you guys easily. I really want to get to know you on a deeper level, but there's just some barrier that I can't get over. I truly am sorry. I'm trying.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
why I love drumming
I posted before about how sometimes if I'm in the right zone, everything I play just sounds different, even though I'm hitting the same beats, the same rhythm. Phil talked about the joy and peace he felt as he was praising that last night at Winterfest, dancing and moving as he pleased. He described it as "freeing," not caring what people thought about him, it was just him and God.
I realize that's what I love about drumming. I realize that I could go all out worshiping every Friday night, just singing and dancing...but that's not my outlet.
But in that moment, where I forget about the audience, forget about screwing up, forget about my uncreative beats...but I'm just jamming away, worshiping God. When my drumsticks just seem to be a part of my hands, extensions of who I am made to be...those are powerful, and freeing moments between God and I.
I realize that's what I love about drumming. I realize that I could go all out worshiping every Friday night, just singing and dancing...but that's not my outlet.
But in that moment, where I forget about the audience, forget about screwing up, forget about my uncreative beats...but I'm just jamming away, worshiping God. When my drumsticks just seem to be a part of my hands, extensions of who I am made to be...those are powerful, and freeing moments between God and I.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
at winterfest
At the hotel right now where Winterfest is held. The first night is over. Quite the adventure getting here, got on the wrong bus, and stood outside a random cemetery for 30 minutes waiting for another bus. Got to talk to Esther L. and David/Sharon on the train/bus. I forgot how long it takes to get to Winterfest.
I have high hope's for my track. 6 NU bros with HC doing Men's Track. I don't really know what to expect. We are studying Ruth (Boaz is the man), so I'll see how this goes. Because our travel to Winterfest was delayed, we missed the first speaker session, but hopefully I didn't miss that much.
Was going to crash Phil's talk, but I figured I should sit it out. Freshmen need their own time. Went to chill with Bernard and his room (Paul Chang, Steven Pan, Alex). Wrestled with Moobs, Bernard, and Stephen. Man, I suck at wrestling haha, but it was fun.
I've never had a big sister figure before. I think DR. would fit the bill though. I want that figure in my life. I say that after sharing with her some stuff...
aaiv is definitely growing on me.
and screw the people that say i spend too much time with freshmen. i make my intentions clear.
I have high hope's for my track. 6 NU bros with HC doing Men's Track. I don't really know what to expect. We are studying Ruth (Boaz is the man), so I'll see how this goes. Because our travel to Winterfest was delayed, we missed the first speaker session, but hopefully I didn't miss that much.
Was going to crash Phil's talk, but I figured I should sit it out. Freshmen need their own time. Went to chill with Bernard and his room (Paul Chang, Steven Pan, Alex). Wrestled with Moobs, Bernard, and Stephen. Man, I suck at wrestling haha, but it was fun.
I've never had a big sister figure before. I think DR. would fit the bill though. I want that figure in my life. I say that after sharing with her some stuff...
aaiv is definitely growing on me.
and screw the people that say i spend too much time with freshmen. i make my intentions clear.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
worth it
katie shi's birthday party at todoroki
-traded work shift
-$50 on sushi
awesome night with the freshmen.
freshmen, you rock.
-traded work shift
-$50 on sushi
awesome night with the freshmen.
freshmen, you rock.
prayer
Phil telling me about how his mom showed him her prayer journal, going back to when he was born...
Sweet baby Jesus, I should definitely start a prayer journal.
Sweet baby Jesus, I should definitely start a prayer journal.
@Bernard
Even though working out many times has a lot of selfish motivation to it, I still think there is something to be said about a very fit man. Not only is he in very good shape, but the fact that he had the dedication and the willpower to achieve something like that, I think is very admirable and something to be desired. Working out is hard, especially when you're tired, sore...
To train yourself to be that dedicated and consistent, I think is a great quality that is beneficial to any person, and that consistency can be applied to many other things.
To train yourself to be that dedicated and consistent, I think is a great quality that is beneficial to any person, and that consistency can be applied to many other things.
re-evualate
Sometimes I forget what I aspire to do. It's pretty clear I have somewhat a gift in meeting new people...more specifically Asian people, at least. For some reason, this attribute didn't show freshmen year at all and I was just lonely as hell, not knowing anyone.
lol...not having anything to do post-focus, no where to go? story of my freshmen year.
It sucked when it happened, but it sparked a passion in my heart that I'm so grateful for. It sparked a passion to reach out to the lost. Pains my heart every single time I see a person wondering around post-focus, looking to see if they can spot a friend or just someone to talk to. I'll stop tearing down for praise team stuff and try to talk to the person.
I want to see Hace's on this campus. This quarter, sophomore winter quarter, was the beginning of his great turn-around. Sometimes I lose hope in people or judge them for their actions and prevent myself from being loving to them, but then I remember that ANYTHING is possible.
For those who don't know, Hace was the AAIV president last year. He wasn't part of AAIV at freshmen year, chose the life of chasing after girls and drunken happiness. Multiple God-intervening events happened in his life Sophomore fall quarter, and Sophomore quarter he finally realized he needed to turn his life around. Joined AAIV sophomore winter quarter, and the rest is history.
They're out there. The Harvest is plenty, but the workers are few.
But I need to realize that it's not just a good conversation that these things happen. That's just bandaid help. I need to develop relationships with these people and invest in them.
TK
LC
SC
OC
JK
HH
"You want to know the deep joy of knowing yourself loved by God?
Lay out your life for another person.
Take a risk with your mind, take a risk with your mind, your money, your schooling."
"Jesus is not standing back and saying, 'Go there.' " He's saying, "I'm OUT HERE. You're in there where it's so comfortable. It's so safe inside Jerusalem, it's so safe inside the church, inside the house....I'M OUT HERE.
Come to me."
"Where are the young men and women who will hold their lives cheap...flinging their lives away for love of him, where are those who will those who live dangerously, ...
be reckless in their love...where are God's men?"
"They're not impressed with us: prosperous, wealthy, safe, middle-class, do-what-everyone-else-does....people...
don't build a church like that!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZUQA-4icSk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZUQA-4icSk
~ John Piper
lol...not having anything to do post-focus, no where to go? story of my freshmen year.
It sucked when it happened, but it sparked a passion in my heart that I'm so grateful for. It sparked a passion to reach out to the lost. Pains my heart every single time I see a person wondering around post-focus, looking to see if they can spot a friend or just someone to talk to. I'll stop tearing down for praise team stuff and try to talk to the person.
I want to see Hace's on this campus. This quarter, sophomore winter quarter, was the beginning of his great turn-around. Sometimes I lose hope in people or judge them for their actions and prevent myself from being loving to them, but then I remember that ANYTHING is possible.
For those who don't know, Hace was the AAIV president last year. He wasn't part of AAIV at freshmen year, chose the life of chasing after girls and drunken happiness. Multiple God-intervening events happened in his life Sophomore fall quarter, and Sophomore quarter he finally realized he needed to turn his life around. Joined AAIV sophomore winter quarter, and the rest is history.
They're out there. The Harvest is plenty, but the workers are few.
But I need to realize that it's not just a good conversation that these things happen. That's just bandaid help. I need to develop relationships with these people and invest in them.
TK
LC
SC
OC
JK
HH
"You want to know the deep joy of knowing yourself loved by God?
Lay out your life for another person.
Take a risk with your mind, take a risk with your mind, your money, your schooling."
"Jesus is not standing back and saying, 'Go there.' " He's saying, "I'm OUT HERE. You're in there where it's so comfortable. It's so safe inside Jerusalem, it's so safe inside the church, inside the house....I'M OUT HERE.
Come to me."
"Where are the young men and women who will hold their lives cheap...flinging their lives away for love of him, where are those who will those who live dangerously, ...
be reckless in their love...where are God's men?"
"They're not impressed with us: prosperous, wealthy, safe, middle-class, do-what-everyone-else-does....people...
don't build a church like that!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZUQA-4icSk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZUQA-4icSk
~ John Piper
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
programming
after...
...5 hours of figuring out what the program was actually doing
...3 hours of actual coding
...3 hours of debugging
MY PROGRAM WORKS.
feels good man.
...5 hours of figuring out what the program was actually doing
...3 hours of actual coding
...3 hours of debugging
MY PROGRAM WORKS.
feels good man.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
inspired by phil - favorite moments
note: these aren't my favorite photos, but my favorite MOMENTS...what happened during when the photo was taken and who was there
lol so pretty unlike yours phil, in terms of nature photos...
but i lived a blessed life. wow. and these are only things that are recorded by FB.
i miss wcec. and that red beanie.
--
I think I was too young to understand the first time I realized I had brotherhood in WCEC. The first time that I realized that these were friends that I could hangout, friendships that weren't bound by church and school walls. I realized how special it was and I lived a happy high schooler's life, but I didn't quite know why.
Monday, February 13, 2012
@Bernard
Yeah, I totally agree with the materialism thing. Admittedly, I'm constantly looking for deals, but if anything, just getting the package is more exciting than the actual thing. I got quite a few gadgets this quarter, from a new laptop, a kindle touch, and now I'm thinking about getting a smartphone >_>.
Although I think there's a difference between being materialistic and saving a lot of money. I was so cheap in terms of spending money on food before I had a job that I feel like it got to the point where I was sacrificing social life to save an extra few bucks. I think money spent with/on/for community is a good thing...I guess the same with time spent with community.
But yeah...let's stop buying useless stuff. Even my roommate stopped using his iPad.
My uncle has a cheap man, but when he buys, he buys quality. I like that. If you don't need to buy, don't buy. But if you need to, buy the best. (not to say that you should spent $1000 on an hdmi cable.
Good night.
Although I think there's a difference between being materialistic and saving a lot of money. I was so cheap in terms of spending money on food before I had a job that I feel like it got to the point where I was sacrificing social life to save an extra few bucks. I think money spent with/on/for community is a good thing...I guess the same with time spent with community.
But yeah...let's stop buying useless stuff. Even my roommate stopped using his iPad.
My uncle has a cheap man, but when he buys, he buys quality. I like that. If you don't need to buy, don't buy. But if you need to, buy the best. (not to say that you should spent $1000 on an hdmi cable.
Good night.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
4am thoughts
Okay, roommate is asleep I think. Free flow of thoughts.
Praise team.
I don't understand how the vibe works. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing the same thing, but the attitude towards how you play drums matters so much, and it definitely shows through the music. Right after failing a midterm, I start practicing for the praise team again, and something is off. I'm not offbeat, the volume is good, but the ...heartbeat of the song isn't there. It's dragging. It's slow.
Then, I finally calm my heart down. Start putting my emotion into it rather than try to just be quiet where I need to be quiet and loud where I need to be loud, and the tempo of the song starts to come alive, and I can tell. The sounds seem to...mesh together.
Then we perform, and I'm still putting my emotion in it but the music doesn't seem to mesh. I don't know if I'm coming in at the right time or cutting out. I don't know. It all feels wrong, but I try just to do my best and keep at it. But I feel ashamed at my lackluster performance (even though it's not a performance...yatta yatta). Then afterwards, B compliments me on the drumming.
O.o....I don't get it.
----
Failed another midterm. This quarter I'm only taking 3 classes. Chinese, Signals, and C++. And I'm taking Chinese P/N, so really it's only signals and C++ which in both classes I'm just getting battered around. Sad life.
How the heck do pointers work...
----
I need to figure my shit out with JN. I don't want to do anything, and ignore JN like a gf/bf do after a terrible breakup, but....sigh, that's not the right thing to do.
I don't know. God help me. I pray for wisdom and discernment.
-
Giving up on miss KP I guess.
Praise team.
I don't understand how the vibe works. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing the same thing, but the attitude towards how you play drums matters so much, and it definitely shows through the music. Right after failing a midterm, I start practicing for the praise team again, and something is off. I'm not offbeat, the volume is good, but the ...heartbeat of the song isn't there. It's dragging. It's slow.
Then, I finally calm my heart down. Start putting my emotion into it rather than try to just be quiet where I need to be quiet and loud where I need to be loud, and the tempo of the song starts to come alive, and I can tell. The sounds seem to...mesh together.
Then we perform, and I'm still putting my emotion in it but the music doesn't seem to mesh. I don't know if I'm coming in at the right time or cutting out. I don't know. It all feels wrong, but I try just to do my best and keep at it. But I feel ashamed at my lackluster performance (even though it's not a performance...yatta yatta). Then afterwards, B compliments me on the drumming.
O.o....I don't get it.
----
Failed another midterm. This quarter I'm only taking 3 classes. Chinese, Signals, and C++. And I'm taking Chinese P/N, so really it's only signals and C++ which in both classes I'm just getting battered around. Sad life.
How the heck do pointers work...
----
I need to figure my shit out with JN. I don't want to do anything, and ignore JN like a gf/bf do after a terrible breakup, but....sigh, that's not the right thing to do.
I don't know. God help me. I pray for wisdom and discernment.
-
Giving up on miss KP I guess.
Friday, February 10, 2012
3am musings
I really should be sleeping, but my mind has so many thoughts flowing around.
Talked to Eddie tonight. Sick of being that timid Asian guy. I'm not timid. We were joking around about pick-up lines and such, but at the same time, a good part of me is screaming....why the heck not?
Albeit, there are some very inappropriate pick-up lines, but the ideal behind it I like. Simple.
Find a person you want to get to know, and you go for it.
--
Sigh, roommate keeps talking to me as I'm trying to write. Can't think. Goodnight
Talked to Eddie tonight. Sick of being that timid Asian guy. I'm not timid. We were joking around about pick-up lines and such, but at the same time, a good part of me is screaming....why the heck not?
Albeit, there are some very inappropriate pick-up lines, but the ideal behind it I like. Simple.
Find a person you want to get to know, and you go for it.
--
Sigh, roommate keeps talking to me as I'm trying to write. Can't think. Goodnight
favorite places
Cape Henlopen State Park
Great times at this place with my church youth group. Incredible times.
Northwestern Lakefill
Many personal spiritual battles talked out and prayed over while walking on that path.
ETown (Elizabethtown College)
Shit got real here during every spring retreat.
Battery Park
Walks with my dad, walks with Billy, Eddie, Jia, Jenny.
More on this later, I just switched to Timeline, and picking a cover photo made me realize how much I miss Cape Henlopen. Midterm tomorrow.
--
edit: just for billy, who doesn't have a fb
Great times at this place with my church youth group. Incredible times.
Northwestern Lakefill
Many personal spiritual battles talked out and prayed over while walking on that path.
ETown (Elizabethtown College)
Shit got real here during every spring retreat.
Battery Park
Walks with my dad, walks with Billy, Eddie, Jia, Jenny.
More on this later, I just switched to Timeline, and picking a cover photo made me realize how much I miss Cape Henlopen. Midterm tomorrow.
--
edit: just for billy, who doesn't have a fb
Thursday, February 9, 2012
my man(s)
 |
| http://tinyurl.com/7krb89q |
(my friend, billy in the vid)
as for eddie..
you gotta hand it to them.
Give me one bad grade, and I'm on my knees again. Man, I'm a so dependent on grades. Got a 40% in EECS222 today. I've never gotten a grade that bad and stayed in a class, but I already dropped a class this quarter, so now I have to stay in it. EECS211 has been a real struggle too.
I don't know. I really shouldn't worry about grades that much. I can "take a hit," but I don't want to if I don't have to. Working my butt off now.
And for miss KP...not happening. Sigh. That's okay...I guess.
~阿嘟
I don't know. I really shouldn't worry about grades that much. I can "take a hit," but I don't want to if I don't have to. Working my butt off now.
And for miss KP...not happening. Sigh. That's okay...I guess.
~阿嘟
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
rough day
From yesterday's small group to today's first midterm back...
makes me question what I value in people, what I value in my major, what I value in life..
and if I truly value my faith.
makes me question what I value in people, what I value in my major, what I value in life..
and if I truly value my faith.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
So I'm at work right now. I got a job and this computer lab really close to my dorm, and I basically do nothing. Pretty sweet...get paid for really doing nothing and I get free printing.
Let's talk about...challenges.
I think one thing that I don't like about AAIV is how much they baby their freshmen. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about getting to know the freshmen and stuff, but not letting freshmen on leadership? Fresh-fridays being really the only thing that they can do to feel like they are doing something for part of the fellowship? When I was a freshman I didn't have an urgency or the will to really do anything for AAIV. I felt as if I didn't need to, that that was the role of an upperclassmen.
Sure. Many freshmen (including me when I was on), really should have spent more time getting to know my fellowship. But for the ones who are comfortable after Focus ends, who considers AAIV their home...it's time to go back out. Freshmen year is such a key time to getting to know people, I wouldn't want those opportunities to fade just because people don't feel like it's their duty.
I don't know what it'd look like, honestly. I remember talking to Cathy my ...senior year? And she was telling me how her fellowship believes that putting freshmen on leadership will help them get acquainted more. I don't doubt it. CSA, TASC, KASA...fraternities, sororities all take in freshmen and put them into leadership roles, why not AAIV? Not saying that we have to be like them, but I'm just saying the freshmen aren't silly underclass who are just looking to have fun. Placing people in roles makes them feel like they truly belong, they have a purpose in that group, rather than just simply going on Friday's.
Let's talk about...challenges.
I think one thing that I don't like about AAIV is how much they baby their freshmen. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about getting to know the freshmen and stuff, but not letting freshmen on leadership? Fresh-fridays being really the only thing that they can do to feel like they are doing something for part of the fellowship? When I was a freshman I didn't have an urgency or the will to really do anything for AAIV. I felt as if I didn't need to, that that was the role of an upperclassmen.
Sure. Many freshmen (including me when I was on), really should have spent more time getting to know my fellowship. But for the ones who are comfortable after Focus ends, who considers AAIV their home...it's time to go back out. Freshmen year is such a key time to getting to know people, I wouldn't want those opportunities to fade just because people don't feel like it's their duty.
I don't know what it'd look like, honestly. I remember talking to Cathy my ...senior year? And she was telling me how her fellowship believes that putting freshmen on leadership will help them get acquainted more. I don't doubt it. CSA, TASC, KASA...fraternities, sororities all take in freshmen and put them into leadership roles, why not AAIV? Not saying that we have to be like them, but I'm just saying the freshmen aren't silly underclass who are just looking to have fun. Placing people in roles makes them feel like they truly belong, they have a purpose in that group, rather than just simply going on Friday's.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
identity
Am I willing to let go of my identity as an engineer that I hold so tightly onto to pursue my dreams? I guess I could do both, but I hate always being the jack of all trades.
--
I realize this is a pretty sucky post on identity, and that identity goes much deeper than what your major is, but...my work shift is about to end, and I haven't thought about the whole Asian and christian indentity thing yet.
Oh I have a job too.
--
I realize this is a pretty sucky post on identity, and that identity goes much deeper than what your major is, but...my work shift is about to end, and I haven't thought about the whole Asian and christian indentity thing yet.
Oh I have a job too.
competition
I think gaming brings out the worst of me. When I lose, I complain and when I win, I boast. When I lose, I let it get to me, and when I win, I feel like I'm on top.
But gaming inherently is not bad. CS is the way I got to know a lot of the WCEC bros, and what other way can you get 15 dudes to hangout with each other for 9 hours (7pm-3am) with no dull moments?
Truly a bonding activity, but one that must be used with caution.
But gaming inherently is not bad. CS is the way I got to know a lot of the WCEC bros, and what other way can you get 15 dudes to hangout with each other for 9 hours (7pm-3am) with no dull moments?
Truly a bonding activity, but one that must be used with caution.
Friday, February 3, 2012
longboard
I miss longboarding, or rather, I miss going longboarding with the guys. I think I get ahead of myself when I say I dream of moving to California and checking out the hills in that area. Sure, Delaware's hills probably suck compared to many other places, but first I'm definitely not good enough to take 40-50mph hills anyway. Most importantly though, those guys aren't there.
Isn't that odd? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing compared to that feeling when your just tucking and completely focused on keeping your balance. When you fully commit to a standie and lock your stance to hold it out. When your wheels glide against their grain in a well-executed hands-down slide. Nothing like it.
But something is different when you're riding solo. I almost wish everyone was on the same level again in longboarding. It was so much fun just exploring new areas and trying new slides with those guys. Jeff, Eddie, Allen, and Jas.
The first time I bombed Towers? Amazing. I almost crapped myself and probably nearly got a serious injury of some sort on that crappy little walmart board, but it was awesome. No gloves, no helmet...what an idiot, but so great.
First time we hit a 180 standie? Never felt prouder.
First time at Academy? Nearly fainted in excitement just looking at that hill.
--
"You first?"
"Nah, you can go."
"Aight, let's do this.
Isn't that odd? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing compared to that feeling when your just tucking and completely focused on keeping your balance. When you fully commit to a standie and lock your stance to hold it out. When your wheels glide against their grain in a well-executed hands-down slide. Nothing like it.
But something is different when you're riding solo. I almost wish everyone was on the same level again in longboarding. It was so much fun just exploring new areas and trying new slides with those guys. Jeff, Eddie, Allen, and Jas.
The first time I bombed Towers? Amazing. I almost crapped myself and probably nearly got a serious injury of some sort on that crappy little walmart board, but it was awesome. No gloves, no helmet...what an idiot, but so great.
First time we hit a 180 standie? Never felt prouder.
First time at Academy? Nearly fainted in excitement just looking at that hill.
--
"You first?"
"Nah, you can go."
"Aight, let's do this.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
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