4am thoughts

Okay, roommate is asleep I think. Free flow of thoughts.

Praise team.

I don't understand how the vibe works. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing the same thing, but the attitude towards how you play drums matters so much, and it definitely shows through the music. Right after failing a midterm, I start practicing for the praise team again, and something is off. I'm not offbeat, the volume is good, but the ...heartbeat of the song isn't there. It's dragging. It's slow.

Then, I finally calm my heart down. Start putting my emotion into it rather than try to just be quiet where I need to be quiet and loud where I need to be loud, and the tempo of the song starts to come alive, and I can tell. The sounds seem to...mesh together.

Then we perform, and I'm still putting my emotion in it but the music doesn't seem to mesh. I don't know if I'm coming in at the right time or cutting out. I don't know. It all feels wrong, but I try just to do my best and keep at it. But I feel ashamed at my lackluster performance (even though it's not a performance...yatta yatta). Then afterwards, B compliments me on the drumming.

O.o....I don't get it.

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Failed another midterm. This quarter I'm only taking 3 classes. Chinese, Signals, and C++. And I'm taking Chinese P/N, so really it's only signals and C++ which in both classes I'm just getting battered around. Sad life.

How the heck do pointers work...

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I need to figure my shit out with JN. I don't want to do anything, and ignore JN like a gf/bf do after a terrible breakup, but....sigh, that's not the right thing to do.

I don't know. God help me. I pray for wisdom and discernment.

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Giving up on miss KP I guess.