living

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure, again.

My faith died my freshmen year in college because, long story short, my faith wasn't mine. It was my WCEC friends, and as much as I still dearly love them so much, the strength of those friendships caused me think I was close with God, a "good Christian." No blame on any of them, they were all there to support me when I came back to faith freshmen year.

But this isn't about my testimony of freshmen year. I wonder if I'm turning AAIV into my old WCEC. In AAIV, I'm taking much more of a leadership-type role than I did in WCEC, where I just tagged along for things.

I come to these thoughts because I've had a surprisingly little amount of faith struggles this schoolyear, especially for someone who is NOT devoted to prayer and reading the Word. In fact, I'd even say I've "grown." But is it actual growth or simply getting closer with the fellowship? This joy that I've been able to experience this year, was it because of AAIV or was it because of my relationship with Jesus?

I'd like to say both. Of course when I'm looking back on freshmen and sophomore year, I can't accurately portray them in my mind--so many things happened that I can't process all at once, or I simply have forgotten.

I come to these thoughts because here at home, I don't experience this "growth." My aspirations of small group leader, community builder, "reaching out"...have completely gone amiss here.

Here at home...it's about making use of my time, trying to do something meaningful, whether hanging out with friends or learning more CS stuff. There's no passion. What scares me the most is that domestic life is, most likely, how I will spend the rest of my life. I don't want my faith to suddenly die again once I graduate.