tell me a story

‘A need to tell and hear stories is essential to the species Homo sapiens,’ wrote the American novelist Reynolds Price in the essay ‘A Single Meaning’ (1978). ‘[It is] second in necessity apparently after nourishment and before love and shelter. Millions survive without love or home, almost none in silence.’

-Aeon magazine, "Tell Me a Story"

"This is how we negotiate our past"

"Only after I grew older, when my life had built its own slim back-story, did I begin to see how vitally the present is inflected by the past, and how much of my grandfather lived on in me. This is how we negotiate our past: we fumble with it, discard it, pick it up again, trying to see what new things it can tell us about ourselves, always hoping that it is never too late to learn."

- Aeon Magazine, "The Wanderer"

todo

• hike Shenandoah National Park

a man

is a person who takes responsibility for not only himself but for others.

And I've failed that to you, and I'm sorry.

couldn't sleep

because I had something to write.

Now I'm here and I don't want to write it. Or sleep.
Problems...hoping to wake up early and drive to Delaware tomorrow morning.

polymathic

"We doctor our CVs to make it look as if all we ever wanted to do was sell mobile homes or Nespresso machines. It’s common sense, isn’t it, to try to create the impression that we are entirely focused on the job we want?" - Robert Twigger 

Recently I've been reading more, because frankly there isn't much to do when I come home. My mom tells me I should be practicing my expertise; I guess I'm considered an expert at computer science now, but I'd rather do other things. Video games are fun and have their place, but reading is discovery and enlightenment...and I don't feel guilty when I read too much.

Anyway, I came across this article, talking about polymaths - people of wide-ranging knowledge, and how people with much breadth to their knowledge were the ones who pushed the edges of technology. But not so anymore. I think college students know this to be especially true. If you want to know how to get an internship in college, honest the answer is "fake it until you make it." Whenever you start your internship search, whether freshmen or sophomore year, just gear your entire fucking resume like all you ever wanted to do in your life is _____. Design, program, practice medicine, whatever you want to land your internship in.

Like you're suppose to know what you want out of life when you're 19. Truly, there are 50 and 60 year olds asking themselves what they want, but these people want teens who know they are sure. The author of the article names some examples: Francis Crick, who worked out the structure of DNA, was a physicist. Studies done by UCSB show that dancing, music and acting actually improve learning more than anything else.

I remember when Billy and I used to say that it takes a genuine genius to be a criminal mastermind, and I still stand by that statement. When you're trying to commit a high crime, it takes a lot to commit it successfully. A multitude of aggregated little bits of knowledge here and mastery of multiple arts and trades -- they don't teach you how to rob a casino in college.

But don't just pick up a hobby. Polymaths are masters of multiple areas. The author provides some encouragement, saying he was originally behind the belief that people stop learning after a certain age, but even studies show that this is false.

"Deep down I was pessimistic that I could actually learn a martial art. I thought you were either a ‘natural’ or nothing. Then I saw natural athletes fall behind when they didn’t practice enough. This, shamefully, was a great morale booster."

(basically just read this instead of this post.)

so much for sleeping early

good night.

tomorrow, we strive for more.

we are the richest

My dad the other day played a classic music song on his iPhone with Youtube the other day. He reclined on the couch, absorbing the music in peace.

That must've been what so many "rich" people did when the record player first came out and they were able to play music at home. It's a strange thought -- that the life we experience now is more "pleasure-filled" than any human experienced maybe 100 years ago.

Maybe a handful of people traveled the world back then. Most either stayed in the same country or made one move from one to another. Someone who has visited more than two continents was extremely rare back then, probably only limited to sailors who spent their lives on a ship months at a time. We have more entertainment, quicker and cheaper access, better access to food, more available hobbies, better transportation (cars, buses, trains, planes), and so much more.

Yet are we happier than those that came before us? Do we have more inner peace?

So careful with wanderlust and pleasure-seeking. Not to say that we should become cavemen again (although I do have that desire sometimes), but don't look for these things to give you happiness and peace.

Yours truly is quite guilty of this.

hot and cold

In my mind (and I guess others' too), there seems to be greater respect for the Christians who had a dark past life. I read an article about a Christian artist who used to be a drug dealer. And honestly, praise God. It's a true inspiration when I hear those stories. At the same time, I wonder why the "raised Christian" testimonies aren't as impressive or, I might even say, inspiring. Which is quite a dangerous thing to say, but in my mind, it's true.

Now, I know this doesn't mean all of us should go out and sell drugs so that we can have an amazing testimony when we relapse and find Jesus in jail 10 years from now. But still, it peaks at my mind. Perhaps because the one who has experienced greater despair is more appreciative of Christ, while many "raised Christian" folk are more likely to be lukewarm.

The traditional path. Scary how I could have guessed my college career -- I'll probably join a college fellowship, take on leadership, join the praise team, get internships, and get a job. Even worse, that was probably my ideal path/goal entering college.

Not that any of those things are bad. On campus fellowships are essential (AAIV included), but do something different. Christ destroyed norms. He isn't impressed with comfortable and traditional paths and neither are the nonchristians.

last one

i promise.

i'm dying to longboard..snowboard..something.

this foot injury is really getting to me.

public

okay.

just reset my phone because it was acting weird.

redownloaded apps.

changed facebook privacy settings.

found a solution to world peace in my head while taking a shower.

...but i forgot it when i stepped out.

good night.

if i have not love, then i have nothing at all

family

"You don't speak of your brother very often, do you?"

hm...

i should stop using facebook..

carecards

Strange how you write a few of these and they start sounding the same.

Not because you're being lazy and writing the same things to save time, but because we all struggle with the same things.

o'er oregon

Let me go back over Oregon

that little scar is nothin’ 

in the arms of all the things have yet to come. 

I’d like to call it no big deal

but we both know I’d be lying

I can never come back if I don’t go

weak

Most times, I'm pissed that I don't thrive in a single area. I always seem to be lacking, even in areas I do see success. But maybe that's a good thing, in that all I really know to run back to is Christ. I can't run to compsci, small group leading, my friendship ability, guitar, drumming, my relationship ability, etc....

Maybe I should consider myself blessed for that.

Yet, I don't run back most of the time.

I'm like a little child who tries to run away from home, even though he knows he really has no where to go other than home -- but the child refuses to walk back, still.

"Bind my wandering heart to thee..."

delaware

something about this place just makes me feel right.

meaningful

Our careers are only a single means of how we live. Sure, some careers may be more "meaningful" than others, but it's not your career that defines you.

I'm sure there are "directionless" people in "meaningful" careers and "purposeful" people in less "meaningful" careers.

It's about how you live.

Too many quotes.

"forget the money."

what do i desire

spiritual warfare

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ephesians 6:10-17

fight

I need to remind myself that it's a fight, everyday.

That Jesus doesn't abandon, ever, because on the cross, when suffering the worst pain of all--forsaken from God, he didn't abandon us.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

Soften my heart, O Lord...

piper

"Where are the young men and women of this generation who will hold their lives cheap, and be faithful even unto death, who will lose their lives for Christ’s, flinging them away for love of him? Where are those who will live dangerously, and be reckless in this service? Where are the men of prayer? Where are the men who count God’s Word of more importance to them than their daily food? Where are the men who, like Moses of old, commune with God face to face as a man speaks with his friend? Where are God’s men in this day of God’s power?"

fear

I realize that the fear of awkwardness drives me. 

It's terrible and I hate it.

empathy

No one purposely lives "weirdly," meanly, or any other negative adjective that we cast people off with.

People live their lives how they know to live them, and people learn to live from previous life experiences. They live by the truth that they know.

Understand that every action they take and word they say is logical to them, even if it might not be to you.

Empathize, rich.

lie

There's this lie that's deeply ingrained in me that says I am not enough. Especially at Northwestern where naturally high achievers abound, it's so easy to want to be smarter, study harder, sing better, play music better, be more athletic, exercise more, look better, eat healthier, be a better conversationalist, learn to cook better, dance better, pray better, be more disciplined, hold better bible studies, and more...

The lie says that in order to be a true man, a true Christian, a true _____, I need to do more.

As Pastor Jason says, we make ourselves jump through hoops for approval, listening to this lie. And, I'm tired of jumping through hoops.

I'm far from perfect and I'm a great sinner, but I'm righteous before a holy god.

No more hoops. Just me, now.
Richard Ho Chang.

good start to the day

EDDIE AND JIA COMING TO CHICAGOOOO :)

( JEFF =[ )

AND..

Dad let me drive back to Chicago after winter break. 

WOO

"that's when i hear the rooster crow"

conviction this morning


and

http://kyledonn.com/blog/sexy-christianity

"They were not interested in joining popular justice movements, environmental preservation clubs, or wearing anything that made them seem trendy… they had one track minds: Jesus’ death and resurrection for the redemption of all nations and the glorification of God. That was it. And they were so compelled to tell the Good News that they proclaimed it to men in power who were threatening to put them to death. The Gospel was the hill they would literally die on, and there was nothing cool about it. The world hated them for it.

Here is where “Sexy Christianity” starts to crumble. When a believer is more interested in the idea of loving Jesus than actually loving Jesus, then that is not Christianity."

--

how much have I compromised?

another bucket list

• ride a moped in taipei

suicide

Two former Northwestern students committed suicide this past Tuesday and Saturday.

I don't even...

Death is a reality that we too often forget about.

strangers, again.

awaken me

Awaken my soul, come awake

To hunger, to seek, to thirst

Awaken first love, come awake

And do as You did at first

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me

Come wake me from my sleep

Blow through the caverns of my soul

Pour in me to overflow,

to overflow

stan

this is what kingdom living looks like.

22/365

A light snowfall today to start the wintry coldness.

get your shit together, rich.

zzzzzz

why am i so tired

oh rich

what's the point of all these thoughts if they only stay in your mind?
or grace without thankfulness?
or love without forgiveness?
or faith without joy and hope?
or life without trials.

20/365

play

"Do students need more time to learn, or do students need more time to play?"

http://www.aeonmagazine.com/being-human/children-today-are-suffering-a-severe-deficit-of-play/

thoughts

being justified and the feeling of superiority

escapism vs "clearing thoughts"

God and self-worth

actions first or attitude first

loving the world vs loving those around you

popularity vs self confidence

a shallow rejection or a deep rejection

too cool for school and northwestern

too cool for school vs not feeling at home

let's learn the lesson this time, rich, and not just ride the curve up.

abba...

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”

Rom 8:15

sidenote

Today in Network Security class, I learned that most "free proxies" are not to be trusted.

Since you are routing all your traffic through them, they can basically take anything going through, even append malicious code to send back to you, along with whatever webpage you are requesting.

So clear your cache if you have been using proxies, and stop using proxies.

aia

"In a sense, it was almost fitting that it rained in Osaka, the steady pattering dulling down the silent days and magnifying the neon nights. It’s been a while since we’ve been in a place where we had as much of a grasp on the native language as they did on ours, which was next to none. Most of the time, we were utterly lost. But every now and then, being lost is necessary."

strive

...and I don't want to be complacent. I don't want to be a runner who walks across the finish line, no, I want to be fighting until the end -- gasping for air.

I've been struck down a few times this past year, but my own passions and desires still remain. I still want to see AAIV communally united, TASC go deeper, and myself and the guys around me deeply root ourselves in the good soil.

Give me your strength, Father, because I'm unable to do anything without it.

what would you buy with your first paycheck?

...he asked.

Not really sure, to be honest. With gadgets and such, I'm decently content. I've done my fair splurging on my laptop, monitor, and camera this past summer. Clothes would not be the first thing I reach for.

I don't know.

Maybe a bike.
Maybe just a meal for my parents.
Plane tickets to NC?

sigh

9/365 - 11/365

playing catch-up today. fall is colorful :)

strange

I've been waking up between 9 and 9:30 for the past four weeks...

8/365

need to work on the clarity of the image...

also, i'm behind.

the fight

Fight to live, fight to believe, and fight to love.

We're creatures born with the likeness of God, with the knowledge of good and evil, but trapped in a body that slants to evil.

So fight everyday, because the battle goes on everyday.

7/365

I hope you find what you are looking for. 

6/365

5/365

4/365

you don't know me like that.

random musings

1. "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher started playing today at the prayer room. Four years ago, I heard the song and immediately liked it. I wanted to play it with WCEC worship team for "Gospel Jam" coming up, which was a big youth group concert, essentially, with our sister churches. Anyway, Carolyn and I were at Northwestern, actually in EP, when I was telling her that I wanted to play this song. I remember playing the song in Claudia's apartment, and she said, "Okay, we can do it," in the definitive, yet casual way Carolyn speaks.

2. Maybe a few days before my grandmother passed away, she suddenly had the desire to sit at a desk and put her head down. She didn't want to be bedridden, but didn't have the energy to stand up either. So the alternative was a school desk. I remember she commented that she felt like a school girl again, sitting but head down on the desk. A woman in her 80s, lying on her desk, like a sleepy child at school.

3/365

2/365

pastor peter

"...the only way to overcome the unpredictability of your future is the power of promising. If forgiving is the only remedy for your painful past, promising is the only remedy for your uncertain future."

- Lewis Smedes

I heard this quote this past week at New Com (which, by the way, never fails to rip open my heart every time). 

a stranger's post

edit: this is not who i was referring to, but

http://www.buzzfeed.com/whitneyjefferson/donald-glover-pens-candid-personal-notes-in-a-hotel-room

we're in this together, glover. this dude was at NU 3 days ago.

--


I believe that the desire to know God is within every one of us.

As I'm sitting in the library, ignoring my homework (and sidenote, my homework is seemingly becoming impossibly hard. Or maybe I'm just becoming ridiculously lazy), and I happened to come across a "stranger's" blog. I put stranger in quotes because I've met this person at NU, seen him, but never really had any interaction with him.

Needless to say, I didn't think much of him.

But this guy pours his heart out on his blog, from feeling subpar about school, being an inadequate boyfriend, and not meeting the mark as a son.

I'm not sure why but when I see someone else (especially a person I don't even know) cry out like that, it's humbling and so convicting.

I hate the culture of "Look at me, I've got my shit together." I'll be the first to admit that I perpetuate it myself.

I hate it because it rocks us to the core when things are off, when things are out of control. We fear to admit that we are actually capable of nothing and quietly try to handle things behind the scenes.

Why I do think this is so key?

The first step to being human is to be humble.

1/365

starting this, like mary did long ago...

thoughts

I always worry about when I post something to the world, is it constructive for the viewer? Form Facebook posts to even my personal blog posts, is there a reason why I would do it publicly and not privately?

Okay. Maybe I don't obsess over my actions so much to call it "always," but it definitely crosses my mind. Posts that scream "I'm holier than though," or even Facebook posts that imply "My life is interesting (too!)."

But I want scream and shout...and I do that by writing. I don't really know who reads this blog anymore, but I miss writing whatever the fuck I'm thinking.

Sadly, I can't do that completely (nor should anyone...a loose and unsettled mind is a dangerous thing).

here's my heart

O, take and seal it

skepticism (again)

To pay someone back, we do it through Venmo, for all the see.
To respond to someone, we write on their Facebook wall.
When we visit a new place, we check in on Foursquare.
We share our photos with our entire population of people who we once thought would be good to have as a Facebook friend.

When should private things should be private? Do we really need an audience for everything we do?

chicago

looks like we got a few more years together; there's still more to learn here.

to do

movies to watch
books to read
places to go
people to meet
food to make

try new things
try old things

summers end

things to do

• help phil out with website
• node.js?
• pray
• pray
• pray
• learn to cook more things

too much

change at once.

not really sure what's happening.

little one

film: lake michigan

when will you stop running.

come away with me

miss almagation

I miss Cape Henlopen sunrises. Waking up at some ungodly hour in the night because the mosquitoes wouldn't stop bothering me and Allen wouldn't stop snoring. Try to unzip the tent to not wake up the seven other guys crammed in the tent -- stepping out of the stuffy tent to be met with a cool crisp air.

Then realizing it was too dark out, so returning to the tent to get a flashlight all while making too much noise and stepping on a few feet, silently apologizing.

Walking a distance to the public restroom to put on contacts. Whispering at tents to find others lying awake, to see if they too want to join in the sunrise.

Walking down that path, happily, for a mile, to fall asleep Frank's guitar playing on the beach while the sun came up.

-

I miss when I had to worry about my friends doing well on my counter-strike team, and not when they have drug problems. I miss heading to Friday youth group early, just to sit there and rest from the week. Maybe listen to a sermon in the car in the lot and watch the sky change color.

I miss waking up to a phone call, realizing I had overslept and Peter was waiting outside for his ride to school. I miss driving to Brandywine on weekends, racing the whole way there.

I miss longboarding down Towers because that's the best hill we have, then walking up. And doing that seven times over and not even think about the time passing.

I miss when we didn't need restaurants and expensive things to entertain us, we just needed ten guys in a basement with laptops and desktops and a good LAN switch.

I miss having no knowledge and being in awe of Dan's experiences and readings, and how he formulated his questions and thoughts off of them.

I miss those pews, and the delicious but sometimes bad sunday lunch.

I miss calling Burger King everyday to save $3 on survey coupons. I miss making up excuses to come together, and listening to London while trying to discern each other's lives. I miss watching FIFA games everyday and watching all of Harry Potter.

I miss not giving a shit about what I write and not censoring myself.

-

But it's not good to miss, because what's past is past. I suppose I should consider myself lucky to have experienced these things to begin with -- and I do.

TR

speak softly and carry a big stick.

having your shit together

You'll never have your shit together. Ever.

There will always be another thing to worry about after you achieve that thing.

After getting acceptances into colleges.
After finally choosing a major.
After finally attaining an internship.
After finally doing well on MCATs.
After finally receiving a job offer.
After finally getting acceptances into medical schools.
After finally getting a significant other.
After finally getting married.
After finally having kids.
After finally ...

That shit will never end and we will never reach a place where we can rest in our accomplishments.

The only thing, now and forever, will be Christ. Therefore, the focus is not in the accomplishments but how we can hold peace, clutch tightly to it and never let it go.

(This post is more for me than anyone.)

such great heights

Atop Griffith Observatory

Goodbye, mountains. You've been a good respite from Chicago.

san diego

La Jolla cliffs

I will come back here someday.

sit and watch

descending into los angeles

I just want to sit and watch life happen, and take it all in slowly -- one scene at a time.

our individualistic ways..

"If you want to reject something, reject the idea that life is all about you. Reject being too absorbed in your own travails to see that others are hurting. You may not have the power to control who rejects you, but what you do have is the ability to make others feel loved and accepted for who they are."

breathe

resting at Ravinia

Standing on the Merchandise Mart platform after work, gasping for air.

It's the balance between stretching yourself and stretching yourself thin.

interesting

"You walk into a classroom at college. Princeton's an extremely tough school to get into, everyone is really smart. But everyone in the room knows who the three smartest people are.

Can you get those three smartest people to work for you? That's my indicator of success."

-Mike Sands (CEO of BrightTag)

someone who believes in you

"I believe in you" can be one of the strongest phrases said.

In context of when you can't seem to find success or find belief in yourself, the people who both know who you are and still believe in your success (whatever that success may be-financial, spiritual, relational...) - these are the people we call our best friends.

I wonder what it looks like when you do become successful, and many people believe in you simply because you are already successful. But that process of believing in a person is different - seeing the success, then believing rather than understanding the individual in times of struggle than believing.

It's be hard to differentiate between the two amidst success, and the only people that you can be sure are your non-fairweather friends are the ones who you knew before your success.

On the other hand, having someone who knows you well and doesn't believe in you can be one of the most debilitating and destructive things to a person.  

another one of these posts

I'm not sure why I write. It gives me some type of peace, let's my mind settle for a little while, at least on some topics. But my mind will never rest, what happens in a day may take a week just to think about what exactly happened, but the days don't stop and never will.

So it's a poor solution to think out everything that happens, one that is draining and never ceasing.

I don't write to help people get to know me. Maybe that's a side benefit, but it's definitely not the main point. I don't write to convince people of things. If I wanted to do that, I'll do that in person. I don't write to hurt others.

I write for myself. Honestly, I think a diary or private blog would be more fitting to what I want to write, but for some reason having this blog public pushes me to write better. But because this is public, it is filtered.

The purpose of this blog is to write down my thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less.

jack of all trades

Might as well keep going. I want to learn piano...

guard your heart

I feel like this phrase is used as a nicer way of saying "fuck boys," which I don't believe what the biblical phrase is actually referring to. I am probably exaggerating but I'm willing to bet that that phrase is used closer to the above statement than to its biblical meaning.

The idea, I believe, is that if you guard your heart, you will not be hurt. Instead, some day, the right person that you "save yourself for" will come, and he/she (also applies to men, but this term is definitely used more by women) will come and this person will never hurt you. Then you will continue your unhurtful, perfect and shiny relationship forever into the sunset. On a pony. In France. And only with a ring that's worth three month's of his salary. That's exactly what Solomon meant in Proverbs when he wrote that. Evidently, I have a huge bias and some bitterness, and I admit it -- but I'll still continue.

Honestly, I couldn't tell you what "guarding your heart" really means. Nor am I some relationship expert; admittedly, I'm quite the opposite. But this is what I do know: Jesus didn't guard his heart, in the sense of the phrase that we know--he didn't shield himself from hurt; in fact his willingness to embrace hurt and accusation (embracing accusations) gave him a greater capacity to love, one that no one had ever seen before. Therefore, guarding your heart can't mean avoiding hurt.

I don't think it means chasing after hurt, but it definitely doesn't mean avoiding it. That's as much of a conclusion as I can make on this phrase.

small things

1. I've been waking up abnormally early. I went to sleep around 1am last night and woke up at 8am and couldn't fall back asleep. People have always told me about "not being able to fall asleep," but I've always been so confused as to how that is possible. Either I'm getting older or my no-blinds-window makes it too bright in the morning, forcing me to get up.

2. Illinois is too flat. I want some see cliffs and valleys, climb mountains and sit somewhere and simply breathe in the landscape. I suppose I shouldn't complain--it's not bad around here, but I guess I'm ready for a change of scenery.

3. I'm out of chicken.

questioning passion

I've always told myself that a person should have passion--something they yearn for and want desperately. It could be anything, from really caring about a cause to pushing yourself to be a great swimmer. As long as it challenged you and wasn't illegal, I suppose, but even that is debatable.

But I've changed my thoughts, slightly because I believe that passion is dangerous. For most people, it's hard to become passionate about something. Hmm...wait. 

Is it hard to have passion because passion doesn't come by easily or because we're already passionate about something? And speaking on behalf of most second generation Asian-Americans, it's our "passion" to get a job, become financially successful and make our parents proud. I put "passion" in quotes because it's a shitty passion. 

Actually, I should not even bring parents into this. We want a job, lots of money, a house in nice neighborhood, a good spouse -- this path that we all envision our life to be mapped to. That is our passion. The whole "parents" addition is added pressure to do this, yes, but I must say that I'm not a very dutiful son, yet I struggle with these things too. 

This path that we set ourselves on, whether we realize it our not, is the reason why we don't question spending a shitload of money on a college education or if we should go to college at all. It's why I'll apply for a job fall quarter somewhere I've never been without giving it a second thought. It's why we didn't hesitate to drop over $500 on Urbana and $400 on Cedar, yet look to our feet to the man asking for a dime on the 'L'. It is not to say that these things are bad, but it's just that if we don't find something that trumps our "passion," this is the path our lives will take.

And that's why passion is dangerous. It makes you think you are doing the right thing, maybe you are even trying really hard, when really all your efforts are going into something that you don't actually want.

And that's scary isn't it? The thought that one day, you'll achieve what you worked so hard to achieve and realize it wasn't what you actually wanted.

I will say this: passion trumps laziness. To try and see is better to have never tried or seen. But question everything, my friends.

you're just a kid.

Probably one of my favorite scenes of all time.

dwell

Passionless summer days remind me that we do not actually know what we need. Sometimes, we need to be our own parents, and force feed ourselves what we know to be good but we do not want to consume.

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things" 

Philippians 4:8

to be written.

+Peter Hessler's uranium town
+OneRepublic's "Preacher"
+Luis
+Ravinia
+Singing

I drank, I facetimed, I sang, I coded tonight. Interesting...good night.

editting.

breaking my hiatus to announce this exciting news:

Editing has one 'T'?

What?

I editted this post. I will be editing this post.

WHAT. WHAT IS THIS.

WHAT IS ENGLISH.

WHAT IS LIFE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SPELLED EDITED/EDITING WRONG IN THE PAST 21 YEARS OF MY LIFE?

oy vey.

weird

The only normal people are the ones we don't know very well.

hiatus

I think I need to stop posting for a bit, and take a step back.

I need to retune myself.

Realization

There is arrogance in the humility, and there is brokenness in the righteousness.

Reform me, renew me, Father. 

Brighttag

So today is day 3 of working at BrightTag. So far my life has been consumed by work from 8:00-6:30 (50 minute commute included). Then I come home and attempt to conquer the beast that is organizing my apartment.

Basically everyday I have 6:30pm-12am to do stuff which I should be thankful for. And there is much I want to do, but I'm one of those people who can't start studying until I have a clean room and desk.

I'd like to read, write, run, workout, hangout, cook...but I feel like I can't until my apartment is organized. And I'm not sure if it'll be neat anytime soon because I think I need to purchase more furniture to organize it.

This is pretty much the biggest first world problem. "I have too much stuff so I need to purchase more stuff to fit my stuff."

first day of work

I'm writing this in the middle of a bustling L train. Young men in dress clothes and women in dresses looking out of place from the surprising Chicago afternoon showers.

I'm blessed to work at a place like BrightTag where the people really seem to like each other and like what they do. I'll now be running a MacBook Pro, so I feel like I'll be a Mac convert by the end of the summer. So far, I think I still like Linux better except Linux has terrible battery life and crappy installation issues. 

Feels strange to be part of this 9-5 group, yet also calming. It feels good to have a routine, a job, and some change that has seemingly great potential.

musings

-I'm up early because I'm overanxious in going to my first day of work. A little nervous, but I'm happy to be on my way out of this transition period of being between school and work, between moving out of dorms and moving into my apartment. (The word "my apartment" still seems so foreign to me.)

-I will miss big sisters. I'm suppose to be a big, confident senior now, but I will gladly be reprimanded and given advice by these women. Who will do that for me next year?

-I need to learn to respect leadership. It is good to be vocal, but like Esther said, we need to trust in our leaders.

-Cedar was thought-provoking, but I think right now I just need to get away from people.

Schuylkill banks

I've met this person only a handful of times, but I feel like I could read their writing for days.

"I’ve found solace by the Schuylkill banks at night, where all the ghastly buildings turn into pinpricks of light, and cars whiz by on rattling overpasses. I wonder if the groups of teens that gather there by night with their cigarettes and beer cans are there for the same reason as I am: to escape the suffocating sterility of their environment."

verses to remember

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Ex 14:14


Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure-not to put it too severely-to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.

2 cor 2:5-7

For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 cor 4:18

In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.
2 cor 6:13

For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it-though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
2 cor 7:8-10

For I do not mean that others should be eased and you burdened, but that as a matter of fairness your abundance at the present time should supply their need, so that their abundance may supply your need, that there may be fairness.
2 cor 8:13-14

And the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live.”
Numbers 21:8

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind.

Numbers 23:19

Only be strong and courageous.

Joshua 1:18

Learn

Be slow to speak.

wut

what is going on

why i want to learn to drink beer

link

carecard

I urge you to continue to seek, and to seek earnestly. Not because these things are easy, but because they are so important. Because I believe it's important to seek truth and not be complacent, because truth structures how we think and how we live. If we don't know truth, then what is the reason behind the things we do?

And it's not about discovering a belief for the first time. We all believe in something. We believe that doing well in school will get us a high-paying job, and a high-paying job will lead to some sort of satisfaction. This is an example of a truth that we live by -- but what if that truth weren't true? What if money really didn't satisfy, nor did girls or sex.

If the truth we know isn't good, then we waste our time.

This is true for Christians and non-Christians alike.

But if the truth we know IS good, then we would know what we would need to do. Not to say that these things would be easy, but at least the direction would be known.

So, I urge you to continue seek, and seek earnestly. Because these things matter so much.

open your eyes, rich
open your ears

i'm a mess.

yes

One of the awesome things about talking to non-Christians about is rediscovering truths that you once knew, and still know, but simply forgot for the time being.

One of the things I was talking to KV about is the gravity of the decision to become a Christian and how it requires whole life change. KV was worried about how he was afraid of his entire self changing if he became a Christian.

So I guess I'll write a little about that.

--

Yes, the prospect of making the conscious decision to become a Christian is a huge one. One can easily look at current Christians and think, is that who I'm to become? Am I ready to do that? Am I ready to go to a village and throw my entire life away to teach the bible to these people? Is that how I want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life?

Although these might very well be fair questions, it shouldn't be the focus of one who seeks Christ. I think over and over again, God calls his followers to give up another part of their life to Him.

At first, it's acknowledging that we are sinful, and that we are in need of Christ's sacrifice for us. That simple acknowledgement, is enough to be able to call yourself Christian and be saved.

But it doesn't stop there. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if you continue to follow Christ, he'll continue to call you to follow him more. To test you to see if you really actually want this -- if you really actually value  Christ and what he did for us. Some of these trials are small, maybe something as simple as,starting to go to church or attending small groups.

These trials go much farther, to taking on leadership, forgiving an enemy, forgiving a friend, forgiving a family member, being open to share your faith, reconciling with yourself and your own brokenness, fighting pornography, fighting anger issues, letting go of unhealthy relationships, changing your major, changing the way you dress, changing the events you attend, taking on my responsibility, taking on less responsibility and so much more, all the way to making the decision to give up your career for missions or stay at home with your kids, or other major life decisions.

Obviously, I'm 21 and I know very little about the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th quadrants of life, and even my first 21 years are vastly different from your, the reader's, first x about of years.

It may all seem daunting from afar, but even amidst my own "pruning," I suffer but I can be grateful because I know this leads to me loving Christ even more.

There are so many Christians who seemingly have passive, lukewarm, or inactive faiths. Whether or not they are still Christian, I don't know. That isn't up to me to decide, I think each person knows individually. But I think these things are from when we say, "No, God...you can't have that part of my life," and we reject him and stop growing. In fact, we probably even take steps backward.

God, you can have my Sunday mornings and my Friday nights, but how I treat my family? You can't tell me what to do. God, you can have my small group and my worship team, but how I treat Sally (or insert other name)? No, you don't understand.

And we stop growing. We become stagnant. We chase after other things, and it's only until we realize that the thing we are chasing is futile and meaningless, do we (hopefully) come back and submit that God knew best all along. I think that's the essence of this song, which I love. God will continue to call us to submit to Him, until like Jacob, we can acknowledge that He is all we want. We want our creator

So reader, I pray for you and I pray for myself. That we would not stay stagnant --instead we would say, "Yes" to God like Peter said, "Yes...I will walk onto the water, Lord." Because I struggle, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I acknowledge that there is so much brokenness inside of my own heart and my own interactions and mind...and I don't know what You are doing, Father or what your plan is for me or for you, but Father you've brought this far. And I know you are good, Abba, and I know you love me, and I know you are sovereign. So help me say "Yes, Father....I will follow you," over and over again in my life. Again and again. For all of my days.

Because money won't fill this heart.
And comfortableness won't give me peace.
And a beautiful girl won't give me freedom.
And life is fleeting.

But Father, you are everlasting, and you give us peace and purpose and freedom. I don't know where you are taking me, but for this decision, I say, "Yes."

why
why
why
are some
of the most beautiful communities
also
where the greatest
brokenness
happens
and
is hidden.

in other news

I have school work to do. Eff.

dear beloved

I wish I could tell you. I wish I could pry. I wish I could force you to believe things, as a parent wishes that they could protect their child from hurt.

But no matter how many times my dad tells me to exercise or my mom tells me to eat my vegetables, it's futile. It's only after I've personally reached the conclusion that I need to exercise and eat well for good health that I finally come to the conclusions that my parents came to before I was even born.

And maybe now, they can say "I told you so," and/or look proudly on their child growing up and finally learning things. People are stubborn, what can I say. We learn through mistakes, through struggles, through the fights of life.

Who can read the bible and simply accept it and be changed? No. It takes much struggle and continuous mind strain and heart tearig to make active change, and even then sometimes it feels like nothing is happening. Sometimes we may even feel like we're moving backwards. But I guarantee you, if you seek Christ, you will see progress. It's not until 6 months afterward or maybe even a year that we realize...."I don't think I'm the same person I was back then."

And that's beautiful. Who in this world is so content with their life that they can say they want to be the same exact person they are in 6 months?

So dear beloved, I can't force you to believe. I can show you how Christ has been real and relevant in my own life, I can share with you the world perspective I have now, I can share with you my struggles and how Christ even works in them...

but as for you, I can't show you these things for yourself. You must seek for these things yourself, and you must see the importance in them. Our God is a great God and doesn't need the affection of us and isn't desperate for our attention. But rather, we are the one desperate ones, we are the one who are afflicted and in need, and we CRY OUT and YEARN FOR HIM.

Dear beloved, I pray that you can see this. I pray that your eyes and ears are opened and tuned to be able to see the beautiful Christ laid before you.

No one can push you through that door. Only you can walk through that door yourself.

weird

I've never sang in public all my life, afraid that I was tone-deaf and couldn't sing for my life.

Yesterday, I sang at senior focus. Strange.

Part of me still believes I still can't sing. Just...that song.
I remember hearing it for the first time Grace and Ryan's wedding back at WCEC by Jenny and Tyler, and hearing these lines:

"I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day"

Matthew 6:26-28

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 

And that was nearly 4 years ago. Strange how things come back.

"For better or for worse, few escape time. "

what

"Salvation Army: Gay parents deserve to be put to death"

lev21&22

i think i can better empathize with the pharisee's mindset now.

past

The past is the past and the present is the present.

I am not who I was a year ago.

Not to say my past self was better or worse, but simply put, I am not who I was a year ago.

That was me, but this is me now.

sad

"Life is about trying not to be bored.

...you think I'm kidding."

dream

So I stayed up until 4am....crashed on the MD couch. Then woke up at 5am. Cancelled the sunrise bible study because it was too cloudy. Slept again from 5-7:45, woke up. Realized I was late to breakfast. Went to breakfast. Got back around 9:30ish and slept until 11:30.

1+2.75+2 = 5.75 hours of sleep. Weird. I woke up around the same time if I were just to go to sleep at 3am. Anyway, I had a dream between 9:30-11:30.

--

I was at Cedar. But this wasn't Cedar Campus....this was so much cooler, much more island-ish place with a big ship hitting the sand. I remember dreaming a long time just about going around the place. Then somehow I got in trouble and had to go across the island and do something. I remember calling my parents and them asking where I was.

For some reason I was hesitant to explain because at this point I had already gone to Cedar? But I told them that this (the second visiting of Cedar) was the one that actually counted. I don't know. I guess my parents don't like it when I go to things like Cedar because they think it's not worth the money, and especially this year I guess because they could've come visit me during the week that Cedar is.

Anyway, I explain that to them, then realize that they were actually on a cruise ship themselves. Then I realize that their cruise is actually the big ship that was on the sand of Cedar Campus. I start doing monkey bar's back to the bridge to that connects to the ship while I was on the phone with my parents. I don't understand.

Anyway, I see my parents on deck, then climbing down the stairs to meet me.

I see my mom, and then I see my dad. There's something different about him. His hair is much different. It's like he wanted to shave his head, but then stopped the hairdressed half way. So the front right quadrant of his head is shaven. The sides of his head still have much hair, and then there;s the back/middle bald spot that many older men develop.

Somehow in this moment, I realize something. Either than my dad has cancer or quite simply that my dad is going to die.

I didn't say anything, but my dad saw my realization in my eyes, and I saw his sadness in his eyes. And I weeped. And he weeped.

And I woke up weeping, still.

Sigh, and that is a topic for another time. The fragility of life, the reality of life. What is a life when we know that all things are temporary? That there is a time when the people we love will come to die. In the meantime, I think I'm going to call my dad.

Fear not, there is good news. But only if you believe, I implore you, reader, to believe this news that is too good.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

leviticus

If there's anything I'm learning from reading all this Old Testament is how holy God is. From how to construct the tabernacle to the rules on what is clean and what is unclean, and how to become clean if you are unclean...

It's because you must be clean in the God's presence. Because He is perfectly clean.

Honestly, I read these passages, and I'm just like, "God, why do you even love these people." They can't keep these. We read some of them, and we're like, "Okay...don't have sex with my mother. That makes sense." But then others, we can't help be unclean. When a woman has menstruation or when we have skin diseases or eat certain animals, we become unclean and require a gruesome process to become clean.

Why does a clean God desire so strongly to love an unclean people?

I am the Lord your God.
Even now.

2:36

Bernard's asleep. Yom's working away in the lounge.

What to say? My mind is busting full of different thoughts and emotions, but I can't pick one and say it. And develop it to a coherent idea and point.

I have 10 days left in Hinman and Men's Den.

Weird.

the first criminal

One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” 

to be written..

joke

How do you make God laugh?

Tell Him your plans.

why

When there seems to be an insurmountable barrier between you and another person, even if the desire to get to know each other is there. Something just doesn't click, the two persons don't mesh, no matter the effort.

I think the worst thing you can do is dismiss it. Give up.

I remember when I first got to know Billy, he sent plenty of awkward "what's up" IMs to me from iamtherealcia (his sn). (Wow, "sn." Haven't used that abbreviation in a while.)

God reign in this place, may chains be broken.

4am

it's late again.

I remember always writing around 3am last year. In fact, I feel like I would sometimes purposely stay up to experience that 3am bliss. When you know it's too late to do more work, but I'm still awake but a little dazed. It's the end of the day right before I sleep, and somehow, in this moment, I feel peace. The stillness of my room, the silence of Men's Den...

I realize I'm not the person I was a year ago. For better or for worse, I don't know. I think there were many passions that I felt stronger about last year, but now I feel a stronger reliance of God. Last year I felt like I had things under control, and this year...not so much, in every sense of the phrase. In every aspect of my life. Besides maybe somehow I got the promise of a internship this summer this past December, or else I'd probably be going insane right now.

Maybe it's the junior-moving-to-senior stage, where "real life" is becoming more evident, bigger decisions are closer, and the straight-line of EA classes and and freshmen exploring has past.

And it's been tough. I'm not sure if I'm burned out or really just have a lack of care. I guess those two are basically the same thing. I'm not sure if I have apathy or that I actually trust God with these things. I'd assume (and hope) and mix of both.

I'll miss this. There will be a day when I won't have the blessing of staying up until 3-4am. Or when I don't see reasoning for hardship as clearly as I do now. ANd in that time, I hope I can still find peace, and still trust in God.

What does it even mean to trust in God?

Well, to trust someone is to ....believe that they will not hurt you. Or maybe not that, maybe it's simply that they have your best intentions in mind. Sometimes that does involve hurt. To trust someone is to believe that they have your best intentions in mind.

But to trust God is deeper than trusting a person because he doesn't break promises like people do. And he is the Alpha and the Omega, he knows the beginning and the end. He is omniscient, all knowing of us, of me. It's strange to think that someone knows you better than you know yourself, but God knows the number of hairs on our head. I don't know that.

So I pray for greater trust in God and less trust in myself. And I pray for strength and endurance to get through these next few weeks.

i want to write again.

</writer's block?>

"have you ever experienced the gravity of evil?"

fear of being shallow
fear of be unable to communicate

"How Suffering Sets You Free" - Peter Hong

I highly recommend this sermon if you are going through times of suffering or have an hour to kill.

think I'll write about this later...

confusion

on what i'm suppose to be doing right now.

on if i made the right decision.

ouch

"i'm surprised you are still here..."

doubt

sometime's i stop and think...

do i really believe in all of this stuff?

sometimes i forget that it is a PRIVILEGE to serve.

i remember pastor peter talking about suffering during fall quarter.

What suffering comes down to is a single question: can you live in the mystery of a Good god? A God that knows far more than you, is far greater than you, far more holy and more trustworthy?

Can you live in that mystery?
Can I live in that mystery?

I remember sitting through those sermons being so blessed, but life was going pretty swell at the time. Of course, the last sermon was the day after the Newtown shootings.

It all seemed so quick. Every week was a struggle with her, and in mind an accomplishment. I guess I still think it's amazing that we ended our relationship on the terms that it did, and not for communication problems, or too many differences, or not enough time, or simply a lack of interest. I suppose I should be thankful for that.

But it seemed like it was looking up. Seemed like it was about to get better, and maybe our relationship would finally take a step forward.

I guess that's another reason why I'm so confused about this all. It was such a brash decision.

 It doesn't always work like I've planned it

I've seen a lot of good things,

a lot of things been out of my hands

Even when I don't understand it

We have all got choices to make

 And this one is mine

 Even now, here's my heart God

"Can you live in a mystery of a good God?"

back to being a protected blog.

if you can read this, i'm trusting you.

i'm not in one piece right now.

@focus

do not worry, child.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

5/11

http://www.nj.com/mercer/index.ssf/2013/05/prosecutor_heading_up_tcnj_stu.html'

I played tennis with Paige in my middle school years.

What's wrong with this world?

from jane's tumblr

“Where we start is how we finish.

If you think electric guitar in a full band is too loud and you decide to only do acoustic guitar with a cajon, then cool. But I hope you talk this out with Jesus and you’re motivated by a heart that looks to him first. I hope it’s not to be rebellious against big bands and big stages and subwoofers — because no one cares about your statement of rebellion, including you.

If you despise megachurches that spend too much money on fancy coffee bars and jumbo projection screens and laser light shows, then why don’t you build a relationship with them and inspire them to invest in your social justice and homeless ministry and community service. Maybe this church is dying to do something more, and maybe you’re the guy to help them with that. You could be the bridge.

We can’t establish ourselves on a counter-theology. It will collapse. It always does. These movements fade. We can embrace them and be aware of culture: but it’s not your altar. Don’t idolize anti-idolatry. It never works.

It is not the Way of Christ to dismantle others because you think you’re doing it better. If you actually are doing it better: show us how.

And if no one listens, then please don’t be so hyper-critical to look down your nose on Christian culture. No one really cares what you think about it. People only care if you care about them — and you can only care about them if you are within the love of Christ.

Start with Jesus, finish with Jesus.”

- J.S. Park

I should spent my thoughts on better things.

1 Thessalonians 5

Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Hold fast to what is good. 

"it does not insist on it's own way"

went to watch a play tonight (instead of kasa).

It basically went through 6 people's stories of how they got wrongfully convicted of murder, got put on death row, then later got proved innocent after many years, then was released.

What do you do when you lose 20 years of your life to prison?

I miss drumming.

talking is king

Being able to communicate what you are feeling, what you are experiencing, and just in a broadsense--being able to communicate you....is key.

I think about articles and documentaries I've seen where people with Asperger's syndrome struggle to communicate (and I'm sure this happens with many people with other illnesses, or with no illness at all). It's not that they have nothing to communicate; they don't lack thoughts but they lack the ability to communicate their thoughts well.

I think back to winter quarter, during New Comm...learning that God's purpose for us was to "be fully known and fully accepted."

I think that's shalom, I think that's the God's Kingdom. When all people are fully known and fully accepted.

talks with the ashwu

About culture.

Not about race culture specifically (like Asian or white), but more with student groups: AAIV culture. CRU culture. Greek culture.

A single undergrad's experience can be so vastly different simply from the student-group culture they steep themselves in.

I don't really know what to think about these differences, other than the fact that I think that's why dorms are all the more beautiful. We meet and live with people who otherwise would just be another empty face on Sheridan.

sorry for not really posting in the past ....since february.

I think the dynamics of this blog are bound to change (or more likely have already changed) because of this newfound relationship I have entered in.

Before this, I would say my life was relatively simpler. I don't think I carry much hidden burden with me, and with, I like to live my life open. I like to assess my actions and my thoughts, and post about it. I  hope it isn't to show off my thought process, but rather for me to understand how I think better and for people to get to know who I am and how I think, better.

Nevertheless, I will find a way to post, but many of the things that come up in my life can't be shared without bringing in another party. Before I think I could get away with having a nameless person in my blog, but this case, I don't think that would work.

So I apologize, but it is a necessary shift.

Sometimes I wonder if all this thinking is even healthy.

It's like what people say about taking psych studies...usually your first instinct about a problem is correct. Sure, you can come up with more reasons to support your claim, but the support doesn't change the claim.

we learn the most when we hurt others..

physical attractiveness.

I'm still not sure what role, what good it plays in this world. To me, it seems to be a root cause of many "louder" problems, of which you can imagine yourself -- ones that we deem "causes," and rightfully so.

Yet, this root issue is something we judge ourselves and others against on a daily basis.

It determines who we interact with, in both same-sex and opposite-sex relationships, whether we'd like to admit it to ourselves or not...

one of those nights

that I question everything.

Am I doing what I'm suppose to be doing?

What's a heuristic to estimate if you're on the right path of life? I've always imagined a good way see if you are doing okay is if you are changing, if you are being challenged.

And I am right now, I am, I definitely am.

But there's so much inadequacy I feel, that I once didn't, or maybe I chose to ignore it.

all it takes is a one hard cs project to make me question my whole career

I missed church this morning.

I wanted to go, I set my alarms, but maybe I didn't turn them on?

Yet, when I woke up and realized it technically wasn't my fault that I missed church, I was happy to have an excuse to not go to church.

Fall quarter, I remember being excited every Sunday to hear the Word from Pastor Peter...

how do you approach the Word?

Despite my grumblings about bible dig-in, there's something truly beautiful about it. 

Bible dig-in is where all the small group leaders of AAIV come together and go through (almost) all the bible passages for the quarter. It's a whole day ordeal of studying Luke, passage by passage. By the end of the day, we are all exhausted.

HOWEVER

There's something different about when we study the Word in bible dig-in than when we study it ourselves. 

When I read the bible on my own, I approach it in a "what can I get out of this?" way. It's about my own comfort, my own understanding. Not sure if this is so to speak a "bad way" to approach reading the bible, BUT ...

...in bible digin, you can tell that every small group leader is thirsty for the word and yearning to understand every single aspect of the passage. Not only for theirselves, but we learn because we are dying to understand so that we can pass it on to our family groups. Because if we don't understand it, then how will we explain it to our family groups? 

Of course, that last sentence is a bit cryptic. God is sovereign and will communicate the message He wants to communicate regardless of our good or bad bible studies. Nevertheless, we want to know every corner of the passage.

And from that change in approach, a new and better understanding of these passages come about.

When AAIV seniors stop going to AAIV stuff or even TASC/CSA upperclassmen stop having a duty within that organization, they stop attending. With good reason -- there's nothing there for them to do. It's important not to just "chill" and serve, because it's how we're called to live. 

In the same way, I think if Christians don't approach the word with the intention to serve, much of the power within it might be lost.

warning: haven't thought this through thoroughly, but this idea has been on my mind so I thought I'd get it out in writing. 

the lost

I'm reading Luke 15 in preparation for family group tonight, and I think I've always thought this but never actually considered it. This verse:

“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?

For the longest time, I've just thought, "Yeah, that makes sense." Of course, I'd go after that last sheep. But I was just thinking it about this, I realized that I definitely wouldn't. I already have 99 of them, why do I need the last one?

It's almost like when I do homeworks, projects, or tests....I'm entirely content with like a 80% as this point in my computer science career. I don't really care about the other 20%, as long as I'm about to obtain that first 80%, I'll be alright.

But to God? No, this isn't some grade to him, or even a percentage (as emphasized with the other parables in Luke 15 and the differing percentages), but simply about the LOST and the DEAD. When Jesus says the above, it's almost as if he's saying, "Doesn't the shepherd do that," like it's the totally natural thing to do. Of course the shepherd searches for the lost sheep and of course the woman searches for her lost coin. There's no question about it.

That is how God searches for the lost. I think that's how God wants us to search for the lost. It says when the woman searches for the coin, she "light[s] a lamp and sweep[s] the house and seek[s] diligently until she finds it."

Aren't we called to do at least as much as this woman searches for her coin to seek the lost?

increasing the peace.

This song, "London," was inspired after the London subway bombings in 2005.

i'm awkward.

so, so awkward.

back to the basics

I am no good.

The only reason why I am good is because Christ's righteousness is credited to me. Christ is the only good that dwells in me.

Therefore, with Christ's righteousness, I have nothing to fear for the Holy Spirit dwells in me.

God is the only thing is the only thing that can satisfy me, but He can satisfy me fully.

recent confusion

Confusion as to what I'm supposed to be doing.

Unsure if I've simply lost passion/skill for what I was so passionate about before, or am I being called to something else...