worship worries

AAIV is bridging Good Friday and Easter Sunday with a Worship night on Saturday night. So naturally, me being on worship team, it takes a lot of preparation. Can't say I've listened to many of the songs yet, just a handful. First practice is tomorrow, then all day Saturday, then the worship night in the evening.

I guess I always worry for these things. God, I pray for the preparation of these songs. I'm sorry I wasn't as smart with my time as I should have been, listening to the songs ahead of time. But more than anything, prepare our hearts. Prepare my heart.

Jesus wasn't afraid to ashamed before everyone. To his enemies. That's the worst, when you're enemies tower over you in your defeat? He was unashamed. He knew what He needed to do.

Why am I so ashamed? Why do I immediately turn down the worship music when my roommate walks in? Why do I stumble when someone asks what AAIV stands for? Why am I fine with worship nights, reaching out to freshmen who don't feel a part of AAIV, but when it comes to reaching out to people who haven't heard of IV, I stop. I'm afraid. What if they ask questions I can't answer? Do I think atheism is easier to defend than Christianity? Or am I just a wimp.

I remember during Hofstra, there was a time period where the speaker asked people shout out "Jesus!" if they loved Jesus. There was hesitation, but after the first person screamed, dozens of screams follows. Those screams....are freeing. (Sort of like "I Love You, Man" screams..but probably different.) Unashamed to cry out your Saviors name. It's freeing. Even though I love light-jazz drumming the best, I always end up playing really loud during worship, because that's my equivalent of yelling out for God. I love worship.

And that's fine. That's good. But why can't I do a fraction of that screaming when I'm not surrounded by Christians? When there's a risk? Am I Peter, who will continuously deny Jesus when it matters?

Make my love for you, Jesus, a fraction of how You love me.