stress

i don't know, i don't know.

There's so much pressure to get an internship this summer, and rightly so. Time is of the essence in these college years, I don't want to waste it away. My parents are getting on my case about it daily...and again, rightly so. I think that's one of the good things about living away from home.

It forces you to be independent. You don't want to study? Okay, go ahead. Fail. You don't want to exercise? Go ahead. Learning by failure is the most effective. But finding an internship is different? As is finding a job. It's a negative feedback system. If you don't find any, you'll only find less because now you're competing with people who already have experience under their belt. If you did find some, it's a slippery slope. An internship will help you find another internship which will help you find another, etc.

Am I able to get an internship this summer? I don't know. Doors keep closing. I definitely don't want to stay at home this summer, listening to my parents nagging me on my career. If anything, even since high school, I hated that. I've always been on my own agenda, doing my own grades. I don't tell my parents my grades if they don't ask...since high school, when I stopped getting tests signed.

Maybe independence early on is good, but I feel like I've grown too independent of my parents. Of course, I'm completely dependent on them in terms of money and education, but for life decisions...I never go to them.

Because they never ask. They never care. All they care about is that I get a stable job, and everything leading up to getting that job: grades, internships. Grades I've never had a problem with, so it's getting the internship now that's the problem.

After that job, as long as I stay out of trouble, they could care less about the girls I date, the activities I partake in.

I guess it's my own fault though. I pushed them away from those things early on. So now they just try to be the "nice" and lenient parents on a stubborn kid. All they care about are the essentials now. Anymore, and they're overextending their boundaries on a territorial kid. That's probably what they think. Fuck.

They say a man treats his wife how he treats his mother. It's about time I fix things.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:11 


P.S. This post dug a lot deeper than I intended it to.