night thoughts

One of my favorite reasons for staying up is that for some reason my thoughts are more ripe. For some reason words come out easier.

Just recently, little reminders of last year have come back to me. To be placed in a setting where I am not comfortable, where I know I spent an entire year in that setting and never felt comfortable...

On one side, I feel bitter. I hold my tongue, how not much has changed in a year. Last year I didn't have confidence and I had my walls up, understandable why they wouldn't want to connect with me (maybe). This year, still the same thing. I guess some people don't click, but others don't try. And that's fine, I suppose. I wanted to get to know them better, but I guess it won't happen. Life goes on.

On the other side, I'm reminded of who I have come to be through my relationship with Jesus. I remember who I was, and where I was. Much of those feelings and convictions dictate how I lead my actions today, why I seek the lonely, why I desire to be a big brother and friend. It's easy to forget the past and think you got here on your own. No...you exist under a loving and redeeming God, don't you ever forget it, rich.