times like these

Times like these that make me realize that I don't really trust God. I trust my skills (or at least, I want to trust my skills) to get me that job, that internship...not even for the money. Okay, a little bit for the money, but for a job worth having, a job that keeps me getting up in the morning for, what 40 years?

I don't know the balance between hard work and trusting God.

I read Mark 1 today. It's so abridged to the point that so many details are left out...actually I feel that away about most of the Bible I've read. Suddenly, Jesus calls 4 fisherman to follow him, and BAM, they drop their things and leave. In Luke, there's at least a build up to calling Peter, with the miracle of catching fish, beating Peter at his own trade. But for some reason, Mark doesn't find that necessary.

Was he that captivating? I don't think anyone is that captivating. Not even the most beautiful girl in the world can simply ask me to drop my career path and leave. It's a miracle in itself that Jesus is able to get these guys to follow him like that. Had to be the work of God in them.

I want to find that balance. I remember when I was a sophomore in high school, I vowed to go to sleep at 11pm everyday. And I did, whether I finished studying or not, I went to sleep at 11..with strange peace. Maybe that's what it's like--to prepare yourself, but at the same time, know your boundary. Even if you weren't able to fully prepare, to not worry. To not worry. To let go.

Whew, that is going to take some time.

------

Finally implemented PrintEngine into d3display, but still much more to do.
Studied Ruby/Rails for most of the day today. First impression, pretty tough.
Eyes are getting real tired of looking at computer screen so intently.

cs woes

After a talk with Jeannette, I'm FREAKING out about CS.

I guess there is no easy path.

1. CS interview are like mind puzzles

• must read book on interviews....
• and memorize

2. Must have personal project

• Must learn Ruby
•  must learn Rails framework
• learn HTML/CSS
• start working on Bernard's site

3. Must learn things for current "internship"

• WPF/XAML

4. Have to do well in school

• OS, Networking, Discrete, Programming Languages.........
• I couldn't even do 213...

5. Maintain SG

........................................OTL

humility

I wish my mom could admit when she's wrong.
I wish I could admit when I'm wrong.

I wish heated arguments could be stopped and slowly discussed logically with thought processes of all parties shared.
I wish I could be more patient and not give up on situations and walk out.

I wish I knew Chinese better so I could communicate to them in their own language.
I wish we could all stop trying to save face.
I wish we were all more humble.

We are family.

I've slept before 1am this entire past week. I don't think I did that this entire college schoolyear. Waking up at 9am feels natural (ish).

This is weird.

to do

Three things from Retreat of Silence

• build Bernard a baller website
• Build up relationship with family
• start regularly reading the Word

living

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure, again.

My faith died my freshmen year in college because, long story short, my faith wasn't mine. It was my WCEC friends, and as much as I still dearly love them so much, the strength of those friendships caused me think I was close with God, a "good Christian." No blame on any of them, they were all there to support me when I came back to faith freshmen year.

But this isn't about my testimony of freshmen year. I wonder if I'm turning AAIV into my old WCEC. In AAIV, I'm taking much more of a leadership-type role than I did in WCEC, where I just tagged along for things.

I come to these thoughts because I've had a surprisingly little amount of faith struggles this schoolyear, especially for someone who is NOT devoted to prayer and reading the Word. In fact, I'd even say I've "grown." But is it actual growth or simply getting closer with the fellowship? This joy that I've been able to experience this year, was it because of AAIV or was it because of my relationship with Jesus?

I'd like to say both. Of course when I'm looking back on freshmen and sophomore year, I can't accurately portray them in my mind--so many things happened that I can't process all at once, or I simply have forgotten.

I come to these thoughts because here at home, I don't experience this "growth." My aspirations of small group leader, community builder, "reaching out"...have completely gone amiss here.

Here at home...it's about making use of my time, trying to do something meaningful, whether hanging out with friends or learning more CS stuff. There's no passion. What scares me the most is that domestic life is, most likely, how I will spend the rest of my life. I don't want my faith to suddenly die again once I graduate.

maturation

JO brought this up to me a few days ago. When your old high school friends complain that you're straying away from them, only hanging out with your college friends now, even when you've only known the college folk for less than 1 year.

At first glance, they're right factually speaking, but it begs the question, "Why do I feel so close to people I've only been with for a year."

College, with so many events going on and such much time to pass, inevitably throws you in more situations to bond, to grow, to mature. I think that's why I think my faith seemed to explode at college, but now it seems to be...not growing as fast as a pace.

I don't know. I have to go. Lunch break is over =(.

lunchbreak lounging.1

After three days of painfully boring coding, I'm finally onto a more interesting project, so woohoo.

All this 9-5 work has really made me see my time in college as so much more valuable, and much less excited for future work and/or married life. College I wake up at 10:30 (sometimes 1pm if I decide to skip), go to class for an hour, then proceed to lounge around. I could get by with not studying, all I had to do was the homework, given those did take a long time. But once the homework was done, I was free.

Now it just seems like 9am-5pm is the equivalent of doing homework. There's no due dates (most of the time), but there's also no option of not doing it. So when folks get married and have families and such, time will be so scarce. Wake up, work, come home, dinner, chores (bills, yard, cleaning, car maintenance, house maintainence, groceries, cook)....repeat? ...no time for friends =(.

As opposed to college, which is like 99% time for friends. No wonder they say 90% of guys over 30 don't have a best friend. EFF.

"But you get to have sex." - certain someone.

Oy. I guess this is the first summer I'm "working." (Still bitter about not getting paid.)

okay

will start blogging again during lunch breaks. leggo

weekday

9:30-5 Work
5-6 Make Dinner
6-9 Longboard/Chat/Exercise
9-12 Chat/DreamWeaver

4 sunrises in 5 days.

As far as I'm concerned, the lakefill is the most beautiful place on Earth.

this is it.

Just like that, and sophomore year is done and two years have rushed by. At one hand, it seems like it went by so fast, but on the other hand, high school also seems only to be a distant memory now-I've grown and changed so much since then.

I'm scared. Scared of what the future will hold, scared of not attaining internships/jobs, scared of small group leading, of men's den failing. Scared of losing touch with people, like my roommate, Esther, and Ron. Even scared of losing touch with people on campus - the freshmen.

Even scared of my "internship" this summer, whether it will be useful, whether I'll be ready.

Sigh, but to be scared is to doubt God's goodness, His faithfulness. And how good He has been to me, not just in the past year, but in the past two years. I'm still a pathetic human being though, and I still worry.

I went paddle boarding with my floor mates today. God, I still just SUCK at communicating to them. I'm still the quiet one in the group. After a whole fucking year. If I were them, I would've ditched my ass a long time ago. Sigh. That's a whole separate topic, of me and my non-Asian relationships, and how I just fail in them.

I'm thankful for my roommate. I know many times this year I complained about him never made it a priority to hangout with him. I kind of just assumed that fraternity guys are cool already and don't need my attention. What a horrible ahgsdhdb-ing assumption. He has shown me how much he values family and showed me random things that I never would have done in my life-wake surfing, water tubing, paddle boarding...and just showed me not to be so frugal when going out to eat, but just to have a good time. He's shown me a side of American guys that I probably never would've seen, and fraternity guys definitely.

I think Men's Den will work though. It's been really cool just randomly getting to know the MD guys just this quarter through IM ultimate frisbee and Core Wednesdays, something I didn't expect at all.

And it's been good to finally talk to girls again. Haha, thanks Crystal.

Sophomore year, you've been too good to me.

(sorry for any typo's, as I am writing this on my roommates iPad becau my computer is broken, and I can't fall asleep for cedar because I packed my blanks already. ;_;)

at work

I mistakenly took up a shift of work. Helen had already worked from 8-12, and since my computer broke, I came to Tech Lab to use a computer. I thought I'd want to be here for 2 hours, but now I'm dying.

Haven't written in a while. So I'm rusty on words.

I jumped into Lake Michigan with Phil this morning during the sunrise. I really hope I don't become a non-adventurous upperclassman. Honestly, the difference between a senior and a freshman is only what? 3/4 years?

Bleh, my mind...isn't in a writing mood.

Basically haven't had a computer in the past 2 weeks because my computer has been so messed up. Hard disk problem I think.

So I finally called them up, and I'm sending in my janky laptop tomorrow. No computer for 2-3 weeks? leggo.

(I still go to school. Where there is computer access every 2 steps.)

all campus worship

You still have so much to learn, Rich...