june

I'm home in Jersey today. Considering the last time I was home was in December, this may be the longest time I've been away. Although I'm not sure it's really away now, as Chicago really feels like home and this feels more like getting away.

This month seems to have been a significant one. For one, it's been two years since I've started dating Tina. For those that have kept in touch with me after college, it almost seems longer, like she basically marked the beginning of my post-college life, and that would probably be somewhat accurate. For those who haven't kept up with me in college, it's almost like a surprise that I have a girlfriend and that two years have already passed by. From long distance dating to New York (I must say, I do not miss redeye flights), to Wheaton, and now to a 5 minute walk away, it's incredible to me that it's been two years.

One thing that hasn't changed in three years is my job at Signal. For the longest time, I think I just thought that Signal was one of the best employers I'd ever have. Time will tell how true that statement is, but Signal has definitely been a good employer. However, I think this month was one of the first times I began to see flaws in Signal. Perhaps it was this project going haywire, or it was talking to other friends, ex-employees of Signal that make me curious of other places. I don't know many other people that have stayed at their first job out of college for three years, yet here I am. A month away from my three year anniversary.

I started listening to Kendrick Lamar this month. Rap never appealed to me much because the rap that I had been exposed to was a lot of the glorification of sex, money, violence and drugs. Perhaps I wasn't listening closely enough, because even some of Kendrick's hits (Swimming Pool) I've heard before, and just associated it with drinking culture. After listening to his album DAMN, the story he threaded his album with caught me in. Along with his other album, Good Kid, mAAd city, it really illuminated my mind to see theres a deep story of pain in his music, even how he struggles with faith and the hardships of his surroundings.

Lastly, I think ever since my trip back to Taiwan, I've really wanted to learn more about my Asian identity. Sounds cheesy, I know. I learned that my maternal grandparents were on a honeymoon to Taiwan, when the borders between China and Taiwan closed, and that's the story of how my mom grew up in Taiwan. Learning about the history about how Asians first came to America is really saddening. I really don't know much yet, but I already feel like I know so much more than I knew, and I want to keep going. Reading about history that affected my ancestors feels like I can understand my Chinese relatives just a little more, and in turn, understand myself a little more too.

Well, it's late. I'm still confused about a job and still believe that my next five years may be the most formative in terms of career and life direction, and I'm fearful. I just read an 81 page pdf about the struggle to be a happy lawyer. Link. Pray for me, friends, this month has been really tough to keep my head up, especially to God.

Tell all the truth but tell it slant —

Success in Circuit lies

Too bright for our infirm Delight

The Truth's superb surprise

As Lightning to the Children eased

With explanation kind

The Truth must dazzle gradually

Or every man be blind —

yoke is easy

I want to believe that his yoke is easy, his burden is light. Whenever pastors show their disappoint to their congregation, saying things like "all you have to do is remain in him," I wonder - then why isn't everyone doing it? If it's so easy, then why is spiritual fruit so hard to come by? As my friends' careers are all on an upward trend, their fruit seems to be doing the opposite.

All we have to do was remain in Him. The pastor isn't wrong. He's directly quoting scripture.

We put the burden on ourselves. That sounds odd and silly doesn't it? But here is that rephrased - we want to do well for ourselves. Now that doesn't seem so ludicrous, but rather very practical. Who wants to do poorly for themselves? Don't all of us want to be at the end of a conversation like "Oh Sarah? She's doing real well for herself." That burden just slips in, just like that.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When Sarah found it, she hid it again, and then in her joy went and sold all she had and bought that field.

Oh Sarah? Well, she's crazy, but she's found something that she really cares about.

nyr

so far...

no reddit
enjoy league
bible in a year
12 books
new job
150 ohp
180 row
225 bench
275 squat
315 dl
run half marathon