Thursday, May 31, 2012
god
You work in strange ways. Using my event to humble me. Using a "potential nonstranger" (joke) to help me understand.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
core wednesdays
This past quarter, I've sort of hopped onto Joanne's idea of "Restore Core." Core is a place inside our Main Library. Last year, many people of my class studied there a lot and really go to know each other there (myself, not included). Hell, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships started there and those relationships are still going strong!
For whatever reason, once we began sophomores, we stopped going and somehow our class unity died too. So I thought it was a good idea, although going to core everyday might've been too much. So I started the idea of "Core Wednesdays" (most likely because my Thursdays are pretty easy).
No matter how little or how many people come, it's always been great. One time I didn't even go and a bunch of guys ended up at BK all night, then staying up for the sunrise.
Now not to say that it's good to do nothing and not study all the time. That's not the fellowship I want to be a part of, one that is simply just constantly hanging out. However, I do this because I find that there is a lack of it in AAIV (from my end, at least). What's the point of a fellowship when the only time we're "together" is when we're sitting down on Friday nights listening to a speaker?
It's a bit discouraging seeing the Facebook event fail, but I pray I would know that God will work through the event whether many or few people show up. I will stop bothering people. Let those who come, come.
Core Wednesdays has been a large part of my spring quarter.
For whatever reason, once we began sophomores, we stopped going and somehow our class unity died too. So I thought it was a good idea, although going to core everyday might've been too much. So I started the idea of "Core Wednesdays" (most likely because my Thursdays are pretty easy).
No matter how little or how many people come, it's always been great. One time I didn't even go and a bunch of guys ended up at BK all night, then staying up for the sunrise.
Now not to say that it's good to do nothing and not study all the time. That's not the fellowship I want to be a part of, one that is simply just constantly hanging out. However, I do this because I find that there is a lack of it in AAIV (from my end, at least). What's the point of a fellowship when the only time we're "together" is when we're sitting down on Friday nights listening to a speaker?
It's a bit discouraging seeing the Facebook event fail, but I pray I would know that God will work through the event whether many or few people show up. I will stop bothering people. Let those who come, come.
Core Wednesdays has been a large part of my spring quarter.
hometowns
Random thought.
I'd like to visit my family origins more. I've been to Kunming (maternal grandmother), but I've never been to Harbin (maternal grandfather). To be honest, I don't know much about my grandfather.
And I have no idea where my paternal grandparents are from (I think GuangZhou?), but all I know is that my paternal grandfather was a complete business boss when he was younger.
And even Taiwan more.
I'd like to visit my family origins more. I've been to Kunming (maternal grandmother), but I've never been to Harbin (maternal grandfather). To be honest, I don't know much about my grandfather.
And I have no idea where my paternal grandparents are from (I think GuangZhou?), but all I know is that my paternal grandfather was a complete business boss when he was younger.
And even Taiwan more.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
keegan
"...There’s this sentiment I sometimes sense, creeping in our collective conscious as we lay alone after a party, or pack up our books when we give in and go out – that it is somehow too late. That others are somehow ahead. More accomplished, more specialized. More on the path to somehow saving the world, somehow creating or inventing or improving. That it’s too late now to BEGIN a beginning and we must settle for continuance, for commencement..."
bobb
Out in the hallway blogging.
Next-door-neighbor hallmate is having sex with girl. "Sex noises" are very clear.
Weird to think that all these guys who live right next to me have sex. Frequently.
Next-door-neighbor hallmate is having sex with girl. "Sex noises" are very clear.
Weird to think that all these guys who live right next to me have sex. Frequently.
interclass dinner
A girl sat next to me at interclass dinner, a stranger. Everyone was dressed up but her in tshirt and shorts. She told someone that she was doing a report on AAIV (I overheard).
I was slightly angry. Angry that she would try to do a "report" on this event, but take a part in (by taking the seat next to me), but at the same time not participating in table conversation or the actual event itself. Instead, she typed away at God knows what on her Macbook, right on the dinner table.
But I felt so silly for feeling angry. I didn't even want her to be there. Better yet, I wanted her to be replaced by someone I knew. How selfish and unloving of me. And part of it was my fault for not wanting to introduce myself, and 30 minutes probably went by with me not saying a word to her as she typed away.
I realized this would probably be a much more pleasant experience for her and I (and our table) if we just got to know each other. I calmed down and tried to introduce myself and ask about what she was working on. She opened up. Tried to incorporate her into the table as much as possible, asked her about the report, tried to explain stuff...not great, but still much better than before.
She probably opened up because she wanted to get more direct feedback and quotes for the report she was doing on AAIV. Later I saw that she was actually recording our exact conversations at the table. (Weird.) Nonetheless, she's interviewing me tomorrow for the same report about AAIV, and I hope I will do AAIV and Jesus their justice.
And you never know who God will call to come to Him.
I was slightly angry. Angry that she would try to do a "report" on this event, but take a part in (by taking the seat next to me), but at the same time not participating in table conversation or the actual event itself. Instead, she typed away at God knows what on her Macbook, right on the dinner table.
But I felt so silly for feeling angry. I didn't even want her to be there. Better yet, I wanted her to be replaced by someone I knew. How selfish and unloving of me. And part of it was my fault for not wanting to introduce myself, and 30 minutes probably went by with me not saying a word to her as she typed away.
I realized this would probably be a much more pleasant experience for her and I (and our table) if we just got to know each other. I calmed down and tried to introduce myself and ask about what she was working on. She opened up. Tried to incorporate her into the table as much as possible, asked her about the report, tried to explain stuff...not great, but still much better than before.
She probably opened up because she wanted to get more direct feedback and quotes for the report she was doing on AAIV. Later I saw that she was actually recording our exact conversations at the table. (Weird.) Nonetheless, she's interviewing me tomorrow for the same report about AAIV, and I hope I will do AAIV and Jesus their justice.
And you never know who God will call to come to Him.
God
Teach me to be a better friend.
Teach me to be a bolder and more courageous person.
Teach me to love, to empathize, without boundaries.
Teach me to build deeper friendships with guys.
Humble me.
Teach me to be a bolder and more courageous person.
Teach me to love, to empathize, without boundaries.
Teach me to build deeper friendships with guys.
Humble me.
dillo weekend
Friday:
Combined Praise team (2-9pm)
BDubs with c/o 2014 (9-12)
Monopoly Deal at Chris Oh's (12-2)
Plex with Yom and Crystal (2-4)
Saturday:
Senior focus filming with c/o 2014 (3-7)
Dillo Day -Steve Aoki (8-12)
Senior Focus filming again (12-2)
Sunday:
AAIV Small Group Olympics (2-4)
Spring Formal (4-12)
Steak'n'Shake (12-3)
Monday:
c/o 2014 food @ Joyees(12-2)
c/o 2014 beach (2-4)
Haircut (5-6)
Interclass Dinner (6-9)
Facebooking as a result of massive amount of photos (9-1)
Holy shit. So busy I forgot that I was at school. Wonderful time, getting to know my class better. I'm not a great actor, but I like being part of videos because it definitely somehow brings people together. And it's fun.
Combined Praise team (2-9pm)
BDubs with c/o 2014 (9-12)
Monopoly Deal at Chris Oh's (12-2)
Plex with Yom and Crystal (2-4)
Saturday:
Senior focus filming with c/o 2014 (3-7)
Dillo Day -Steve Aoki (8-12)
Senior Focus filming again (12-2)
Sunday:
AAIV Small Group Olympics (2-4)
Spring Formal (4-12)
Steak'n'Shake (12-3)
Monday:
c/o 2014 food @ Joyees(12-2)
c/o 2014 beach (2-4)
Haircut (5-6)
Interclass Dinner (6-9)
Facebooking as a result of massive amount of photos (9-1)
Holy shit. So busy I forgot that I was at school. Wonderful time, getting to know my class better. I'm not a great actor, but I like being part of videos because it definitely somehow brings people together. And it's fun.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
good night...good morning
Core->BK->sunrise->walk back
The conversation I had today with DL made me so thankful how far God has brought me. It's these experiences that I have gone through that enable for me to encourage and empathize with others. God, I pray that you continue to impute these truths into my heart and into DL's also. That I am worth nothing by myself but worth everything through You.
Words can't describe. Hallelujiah. This Core Wednesdays/BK Thursdays shenanigans is not going to waste.
....good night.
//that I am not powerful, and how You've reminded me of my weakness, that good-two-shoes will never be good enough
//given me a situation to show how quickly I can fall from good to bad
//that You've taken that guilt away from me
//that I am unashamed despite my sins, sin has lost its power
//that You hold a purpose/passion for us even when We are not worthy
#apex
The conversation I had today with DL made me so thankful how far God has brought me. It's these experiences that I have gone through that enable for me to encourage and empathize with others. God, I pray that you continue to impute these truths into my heart and into DL's also. That I am worth nothing by myself but worth everything through You.
Words can't describe. Hallelujiah. This Core Wednesdays/BK Thursdays shenanigans is not going to waste.
....good night.
//that I am not powerful, and how You've reminded me of my weakness, that good-two-shoes will never be good enough
//given me a situation to show how quickly I can fall from good to bad
//that You've taken that guilt away from me
//that I am unashamed despite my sins, sin has lost its power
//that You hold a purpose/passion for us even when We are not worthy
#apex
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
another good day
terrible academically. but a good day nonetheless.
Talk with DR....who apparently reads my blog. I don't believe it. A long overdue conversation, to be honest, but better late than never for sure. It's so crazy how someone's freshmen year can shape them so strongly for the rest of their college years (and maybe life? I don't know. We'll see I guess).
It's strange to think that everyone is a sinner. Not one person is without sin. The most "holy" person you know probably needs your support more than you could imagine. I bet every Christian has thought about giving up their faith at one point. I bet every pastor in seminary as questioned why they're there. Every worship leader has "gone through the motions" with a song and every small group leader has gone through a passage they don't have a heart for or maybe don't even understand. Yes, I don't think it's a good thing to do these things, but at the same time, I find the inevitable. We're not "godly." We're not God. I sin like no other. Yet I speak praises with my mouth, raise my hand in worship.
That's the beauty of grace, and our leaders need grace just as much as we do.
Chat with PL. Should I do family group leading and worship? Part of me tells me that I won't have enough time with OS and Discrete, but a strong part of me knows I'll miss drumming so much. As I was telling PL, there's that moment during worship when suddenly you realize that you're exactly where you need to be. Your sticks suddenly just feel like they're extensions of your arms, and you just let go and praise Him. (Sidenote, so thankful for Franky for showing me that simple beat on that beautiful Friday night ...6 years ago.)
AAIV, it's strange how fond of you I've grown. Good night.
Prayer request: that my computer gets fixed...using lab computer now.
---
edit:
Another thought. I wrote about maybe a week ago about how the Christian life is about a life that already has success (or as the Focus speaker said, a life of victory). My blog is called "the fight." Contradictory...?
Talk with DR....who apparently reads my blog. I don't believe it. A long overdue conversation, to be honest, but better late than never for sure. It's so crazy how someone's freshmen year can shape them so strongly for the rest of their college years (and maybe life? I don't know. We'll see I guess).
It's strange to think that everyone is a sinner. Not one person is without sin. The most "holy" person you know probably needs your support more than you could imagine. I bet every Christian has thought about giving up their faith at one point. I bet every pastor in seminary as questioned why they're there. Every worship leader has "gone through the motions" with a song and every small group leader has gone through a passage they don't have a heart for or maybe don't even understand. Yes, I don't think it's a good thing to do these things, but at the same time, I find the inevitable. We're not "godly." We're not God. I sin like no other. Yet I speak praises with my mouth, raise my hand in worship.
That's the beauty of grace, and our leaders need grace just as much as we do.
Chat with PL. Should I do family group leading and worship? Part of me tells me that I won't have enough time with OS and Discrete, but a strong part of me knows I'll miss drumming so much. As I was telling PL, there's that moment during worship when suddenly you realize that you're exactly where you need to be. Your sticks suddenly just feel like they're extensions of your arms, and you just let go and praise Him. (Sidenote, so thankful for Franky for showing me that simple beat on that beautiful Friday night ...6 years ago.)
AAIV, it's strange how fond of you I've grown. Good night.
Prayer request: that my computer gets fixed...using lab computer now.
---
edit:
Another thought. I wrote about maybe a week ago about how the Christian life is about a life that already has success (or as the Focus speaker said, a life of victory). My blog is called "the fight." Contradictory...?
Monday, May 21, 2012
surprised
Wow. I thought I was spending a lot this quarter. (And I guess I was. $300?)
But I've made more than I spent...don't feel as bad now for going to BK all those nights.
Goal: break even after cedar+springformal moneyz
But I've made more than I spent...don't feel as bad now for going to BK all those nights.
Goal: break even after cedar+springformal moneyz
malloc lab
Am I just dumb that I can't understand this stuff?
Solutions to CS are so readily available on the web, so it's easy to pass classes ..
and not know a thing.
Solutions to CS are so readily available on the web, so it's easy to pass classes ..
and not know a thing.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
what the
great day.
Sailing. Focus. Bonfire. Longboard. Singing. BK. Movies.
The sun is beautiful at 6am. I am going to sleep.
Sailing. Focus. Bonfire. Longboard. Singing. BK. Movies.
The sun is beautiful at 6am. I am going to sleep.
Friday, May 18, 2012
baha'i trip thought #2 - wealth
It was very weird going out of the Northwestern campus. The homeowners north of NU campus are very wealthy. I definitely saw some of the nicest houses I've ever seen. Many of them with lakefront view, a nice little outdoor table so you could eat outside, right next to the lake (I should've taken a picture).
It got me thinking about the rich/poor gap. College is actually a crazy time because you don't actually know how well off people are. Sure, you may know this person has wealthy parents, but no one drives nice cars. No one eats fantastic food. We all live in the same dorms. Sure, the median income for a Northwestern student family is probably much higher than the average income of USA, but there are still huge gaps between individual students.
My roommate's family probably makes a couple million a year. Even though I see him spend money more than me, you can't see evidently see the gap. We live in the same room, use the same tables, same beds.
My point is, you see that the happiest people on this campus does not coincide with the people with the most money. Money can't buy you happiness on this campus.
It's an interesting thought.
"Some people are so poor all they have is money."
It got me thinking about the rich/poor gap. College is actually a crazy time because you don't actually know how well off people are. Sure, you may know this person has wealthy parents, but no one drives nice cars. No one eats fantastic food. We all live in the same dorms. Sure, the median income for a Northwestern student family is probably much higher than the average income of USA, but there are still huge gaps between individual students.
My roommate's family probably makes a couple million a year. Even though I see him spend money more than me, you can't see evidently see the gap. We live in the same room, use the same tables, same beds.
My point is, you see that the happiest people on this campus does not coincide with the people with the most money. Money can't buy you happiness on this campus.
It's an interesting thought.
"Some people are so poor all they have is money."
baha'i
Ron told me that there are some hills up by Baha'i temple, so I decided to go check it out and stop by Baha'i while I'm at it (I've never been).
For those who don't know, there are 7 Baha'i temples in the world, all in different countries, and the one that happens to be in the United States is about 1 mile north of the Northwestern campus.
Baha'i was beautiful. The lawns, the waters, the marble floors and quartz walls. It even overlooked Lake Michigan on the steps. I went in with my shorts, hoodie, longboard..and I felt out of place. This place is not for me. Even if I put on a nice suit, I'd feel like I'd be pretending to belong in that place. This place was made for God.
It made me think about when Jesus died, He tore the temple veils so that he could come into us, so that our bodies could be the temple that He dwells in. Man-made temples aren't even good enough for God. Baha'i doesn't compare to his heavenly throne. Yet He chooses to dwell, not in beautiful places like Baha'i, but in me. In my broken soul.
So that me, the sinner who will never feel at home in these holy structures much less in Heaven, could also get to know Him. To belong.
On another note, the hills were pretty bad. =[
For those who don't know, there are 7 Baha'i temples in the world, all in different countries, and the one that happens to be in the United States is about 1 mile north of the Northwestern campus.
Baha'i was beautiful. The lawns, the waters, the marble floors and quartz walls. It even overlooked Lake Michigan on the steps. I went in with my shorts, hoodie, longboard..and I felt out of place. This place is not for me. Even if I put on a nice suit, I'd feel like I'd be pretending to belong in that place. This place was made for God.
It made me think about when Jesus died, He tore the temple veils so that he could come into us, so that our bodies could be the temple that He dwells in. Man-made temples aren't even good enough for God. Baha'i doesn't compare to his heavenly throne. Yet He chooses to dwell, not in beautiful places like Baha'i, but in me. In my broken soul.
So that me, the sinner who will never feel at home in these holy structures much less in Heaven, could also get to know Him. To belong.
On another note, the hills were pretty bad. =[
Thursday, May 17, 2012
building a family group
I know my logistical self is going to try to come up with all these creative ideas to help the group click and attempt to make silly traditions.
But I think more than anything, I need to get in a habit of prayer and reading the bible. Back to the basics. C'mon, Rich.
I remember last year when I prayed so much about people I barely knew, my heart started aching for them. My attitude was changed towards them. I want that again. Change my heart, God.
But I think more than anything, I need to get in a habit of prayer and reading the bible. Back to the basics. C'mon, Rich.
I remember last year when I prayed so much about people I barely knew, my heart started aching for them. My attitude was changed towards them. I want that again. Change my heart, God.
spirit
It's kind of cool when something I write about gets repeated and discussed somewhere else (whether at aaiv, church, or elsewhere...).
Makes me think that the Holy Spirit is working this idea in all of us.
Makes me smile.
Makes me think that the Holy Spirit is working this idea in all of us.
Makes me smile.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
fairy tales
Something inside of me wants to gag whenever a someone posts about something relating her life to a fairy tale or wanting it to be more fairy tale-like.
Maybe I'm just not an optimist. No, I don't think that's it.
I should stop talking before the pitchforks start coming after me.
Maybe I'm just not an optimist. No, I don't think that's it.
I should stop talking before the pitchforks start coming after me.
cs woes
Woke up at 9:40 to go running today (I have class at 11am). Do you believe it? I sure don't.I surprisingly didn't fall right back a sleep when I tried, so I decided to run in hopes my cardio would drastically improve for the ultimate frisbee playoff game I had later in the day.
Then the rest of the day was frantically trying to learn how to make an iOS app. Our main programmer had the flu and was pretty upset that we didn't get much (or anything) done. They call this the "bus factor," where your best person gets run over by a bus...then your whole team is screwed.
I don't get computer science. There is so much theory to it, but when it comes to making an android/iOS app, to making a webpage, there's absolutely no classes on. I don't get it. It's like everyone just picks it up on their own. While they take data structures, compiler construction, operating systems...ridiculously hard classes. I don't get it.
So tomorrow, going to have to suck it up our teacher and explain why we don't have a demo app, and suck it up to our client, and explain why we've done nothing.
I just want this class to be over.
Then the rest of the day was frantically trying to learn how to make an iOS app. Our main programmer had the flu and was pretty upset that we didn't get much (or anything) done. They call this the "bus factor," where your best person gets run over by a bus...then your whole team is screwed.
I don't get computer science. There is so much theory to it, but when it comes to making an android/iOS app, to making a webpage, there's absolutely no classes on. I don't get it. It's like everyone just picks it up on their own. While they take data structures, compiler construction, operating systems...ridiculously hard classes. I don't get it.
So tomorrow, going to have to suck it up our teacher and explain why we don't have a demo app, and suck it up to our client, and explain why we've done nothing.
I just want this class to be over.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
aaiv leadership
I knew it. Small group leading. (or Family Group?)
It's like that wish that you really wanted but shouldn't have. On one hand, I'm super excited. I want to foster a community within AAIV. I want to correct the mistakes that I did while leading a small group my senior year in high school. I want to break the barrier between upperclassmen and underclassmen, between leader and member. I want small group to be a place where people can call it home.
Honestly, small group has been disappointing for me in AAIV. I don't know. Freshmen year was disappointing in general. Kevin (my current small group leader) has been great, but small group doesn't seem like a family when I'm the only one that consistently comes out..besides Kevin of course.
So on one hand, I want to create this community that I myself has desired so much. But on the other hand, I've never witnessed it. I've only witnessed it fail. Maybe not fail, but it wasn't the way I imagined it.
I'm afraid to fail. It's got to suck when it's spring quarter and you realize your ambitions as a small group leader haven't been a achieved and probably won't be achieved, even though you have such good intentions.
But I guess that's no reason to reject the position. In fact, I guess that just reflects how I still want to be in control. How I think I have the power to create communities. No, Rich. That might be your desire, but it's only through God those things will happen.
I'm afraid to invest in so much and get back so little. Sounds like I'm talking about a relationship. But again, I have the wrong mentality. It's not about what I get back. It's not a karma system. giving to get. I give because God gave so much, not because I expect something back, be reputation or personal ministry.
God, prepare me. Help me see this.
I'm not pleased how this post turned out because I wanted it to be like a post with pro's and con's, but I sort of just saw how my con's are ...not aligned with God's vision. Here we go, so help me God.
It's like that wish that you really wanted but shouldn't have. On one hand, I'm super excited. I want to foster a community within AAIV. I want to correct the mistakes that I did while leading a small group my senior year in high school. I want to break the barrier between upperclassmen and underclassmen, between leader and member. I want small group to be a place where people can call it home.
Honestly, small group has been disappointing for me in AAIV. I don't know. Freshmen year was disappointing in general. Kevin (my current small group leader) has been great, but small group doesn't seem like a family when I'm the only one that consistently comes out..besides Kevin of course.
So on one hand, I want to create this community that I myself has desired so much. But on the other hand, I've never witnessed it. I've only witnessed it fail. Maybe not fail, but it wasn't the way I imagined it.
I'm afraid to fail. It's got to suck when it's spring quarter and you realize your ambitions as a small group leader haven't been a achieved and probably won't be achieved, even though you have such good intentions.
But I guess that's no reason to reject the position. In fact, I guess that just reflects how I still want to be in control. How I think I have the power to create communities. No, Rich. That might be your desire, but it's only through God those things will happen.
I'm afraid to invest in so much and get back so little. Sounds like I'm talking about a relationship. But again, I have the wrong mentality. It's not about what I get back. It's not a karma system. giving to get. I give because God gave so much, not because I expect something back, be reputation or personal ministry.
God, prepare me. Help me see this.
I'm not pleased how this post turned out because I wanted it to be like a post with pro's and con's, but I sort of just saw how my con's are ...not aligned with God's vision. Here we go, so help me God.
mother's day
I'm at the point in the night where I can't get any more work done. I think. I shall write...
I emailed my mom today. Apologizing for the crappy phone call I gave her yesterday and apologized for not calling home as much. I think I didn't call home for two weeks, and my parents tried calling me like 4 times. Albeit, all four times were before 9:30am and I was sleeping so I didn't pick up, they thought something happened to me or I had lost my phone. I was sort of just like..."really?" to them.
Although it seems like an exaggerated response, I guess I'll never understand being a parent until I'm a parent. So I sent her an email, apologizing, then asking why we never talk about stuff other than academics.
"How's school?"
"Are you busy?"
"What classes are you taking next quarter?"
"Are your classes hard?"
"When are your tests?"
These are probably the only questions I hear from my parents. So much so that I practically ignore them now. I've never had a problem with keeping up my grades so I've never depended on my parents for ...academic support. I wrote about how I'd like to talk to them about more than just school. (Of course, what mom can say no to that? I know how to tug my mom's heart...)
I wish I could communicate better with my parents. I wonder if the kids who speak Mandarin (or Korean) to their parents have better relationships with them. I bet. Such a large barrier broken, just like it'd be easier for me to get to know someone who speaks English well than someone who speaks English poorly.
Every time I listen to John Mayer's "Stop This Train"...I always think about my parents. The idea that there will be a time when they will no longer be financially supporting with...food, shelter, school, and everything. Independence. Is that what I wanted?
Scary. Don't ever die, Mom and Dad.
I emailed my mom today. Apologizing for the crappy phone call I gave her yesterday and apologized for not calling home as much. I think I didn't call home for two weeks, and my parents tried calling me like 4 times. Albeit, all four times were before 9:30am and I was sleeping so I didn't pick up, they thought something happened to me or I had lost my phone. I was sort of just like..."really?" to them.
Although it seems like an exaggerated response, I guess I'll never understand being a parent until I'm a parent. So I sent her an email, apologizing, then asking why we never talk about stuff other than academics.
"How's school?"
"Are you busy?"
"What classes are you taking next quarter?"
"Are your classes hard?"
"When are your tests?"
These are probably the only questions I hear from my parents. So much so that I practically ignore them now. I've never had a problem with keeping up my grades so I've never depended on my parents for ...academic support. I wrote about how I'd like to talk to them about more than just school. (Of course, what mom can say no to that? I know how to tug my mom's heart...)
I wish I could communicate better with my parents. I wonder if the kids who speak Mandarin (or Korean) to their parents have better relationships with them. I bet. Such a large barrier broken, just like it'd be easier for me to get to know someone who speaks English well than someone who speaks English poorly.
Every time I listen to John Mayer's "Stop This Train"...I always think about my parents. The idea that there will be a time when they will no longer be financially supporting with...food, shelter, school, and everything. Independence. Is that what I wanted?
Scary. Don't ever die, Mom and Dad.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
success/failure
What's it going to be next, Rich? A girlfriend, a job, a wife, kids, and then repeat everything for their lives. And somewhere in there I'll be successful.
I asked God today, "What's holding me back, God." I feel like I've been stagnant this past quarter, and many pastors say that you are either going further in your faith or retreating, there is no flat ground, no plateau. For some reason, the thought "you are afraid of failure" popped into my head.
Failure. I'm afraid to confront someone because I think it'll ruin the relationship. I'm afraid to study content outside of my classes because I'm afraid I'll still know nothing and it'll end up just being wasted time. I'm afraid to ask that girl because I'm afraid of rejection. So I back off. It's not a failure if I never tried, right? Instead, I go to things I have control over. League of Legends, where I can consistently "win" against bots and get the most kills on the team. What a load of shit, Rich.
There is this other idea that I keep bringing up that seems to go hand-in-hand. It's the thought that you'll never be ready for somethings; sometimes you just have to do. It's like that moment right before you prepare to go on stage, right before you take a hard test, right before you ask a girl out, when you try a harder level (say, black diamond on a snowboard). You'll never be fully ready for those moments. YT even mentioned today that his marriage class asked him to interview his parents, and one of the questions was to ask his arents about the decision to have kids. His dad said, 3 years after marriage, they wanted to have kids, but he still didn't feel "financially ready" to do it. But the kids came, and 4 kids and 22 years later, he said his dad still doesn't feel "financially ready" to support kids.
I guess I have two points.
The first about failure. I shouldn't be afraid of it, because my definition of success is foolish. What if I saw success as what Jesus did for me? I've already won and nothing can take that away from me. I shouldn't be afraid of failure. I don't need to have control over my life. At no point in the past 20 years have I felt like I had "control." But God has been faithful in so many ways. This is how I should know that I am successful. If I truly believed that Christ's success is my success, that Christ's purity is my purity, then I wouldn't be afraid. I would take more risks because I'm not afraid of rejection or wasted time or broken relationships. Because my success is not defined by those things, it's defined by something eternal, independent of myself...and so beautiful.
The second is about "just doing it." I'm afraid of next year for the hard coursework, for small group leading (if I get it), for all the implications of junior year, being that much closer to getting out of college...the big question: then what? I'll never be ready for these things, but I shouldn't be afraid of these things. Great things come when people decide to take on a challenge. From YT's example of supporting a family of 6 to something as simple as conquering a hill.
I write too much. Conclusion?
Psalm 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation —whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?
last quarter
I feel like I'm waiting for something this quarter. Every single prayer I've prayed this quarter has been "I want to end this quarter strong." There's some apex to this great year that I'm waiting for. These first 6 weeks haven't been that eventful, though I'm still very blessed.
As much as I feel like God used me this year, I feel like there's something left that's missing. I don't know what it is though.
I miss epic talks with Jenny Fei at spring retreat.
As much as I feel like God used me this year, I feel like there's something left that's missing. I don't know what it is though.
I miss epic talks with Jenny Fei at spring retreat.
thoughts
It's been a while since I've posted, and since I don't really feel inspired to write about a topic that takes a lot of thought (the "topics" I always have listed in separate posts), I'll just write.
Spring Formal has been behind many of my conversations now, whether it be jokes or serious matters. But I won't write about spring formal stuff as much as the underlying topics that seem to come up: when do you take that risk with a girl?
After core, three of us went to BK and talked, and one of the things VG kept bringing up was the fact that once you are invested in someone, anything you do will have consequences. Let me explain. Say I am very good friends with ABC. The fact that I ask ABC to something like Spring Formal or don't ask ABC will say something to her, because I'm so invested in her. Even if you do ask, how you ask also changes things. Do you ask her as a friend or just ask?
Although I personally think asking someone "as a friend" is a little bit of BS...your actions throughout your friendship will determine whether or not it's just "as friends." I can't ask a girl I barely know "just as friends" because obviously I'm going to be much more intentional than usual to get to know this girl.
...
On another note, I feel like guys can drag their friends to go. A guy can just ask a girl to go, but girls can't drag their girlfriends to go with them (as easily, at least). Especially if everyone is going with someone, it's just a bit weird going solo (more respect to you if you can do it though). Must suck not getting asked.
Enough about this topic.
In the end, it really doesn't matter. I wonder if my Dad even remembers the names of the girls he went to dances with. It's something to be considered, but God will work through any situation. It's not like me asking a certain girl will change His plan.
Spring Formal has been behind many of my conversations now, whether it be jokes or serious matters. But I won't write about spring formal stuff as much as the underlying topics that seem to come up: when do you take that risk with a girl?
After core, three of us went to BK and talked, and one of the things VG kept bringing up was the fact that once you are invested in someone, anything you do will have consequences. Let me explain. Say I am very good friends with ABC. The fact that I ask ABC to something like Spring Formal or don't ask ABC will say something to her, because I'm so invested in her. Even if you do ask, how you ask also changes things. Do you ask her as a friend or just ask?
Although I personally think asking someone "as a friend" is a little bit of BS...your actions throughout your friendship will determine whether or not it's just "as friends." I can't ask a girl I barely know "just as friends" because obviously I'm going to be much more intentional than usual to get to know this girl.
...
On another note, I feel like guys can drag their friends to go. A guy can just ask a girl to go, but girls can't drag their girlfriends to go with them (as easily, at least). Especially if everyone is going with someone, it's just a bit weird going solo (more respect to you if you can do it though). Must suck not getting asked.
Enough about this topic.
In the end, it really doesn't matter. I wonder if my Dad even remembers the names of the girls he went to dances with. It's something to be considered, but God will work through any situation. It's not like me asking a certain girl will change His plan.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
wasted
The whole day. Gone by like that with nothing done at all. Come on, Rich. Keep yourself accountable. There is so much to do, so much to learn.
Prepare for your summer internship.
Attempt to do something for 394.
Learn 213.
Yet, you sit lazily on your ass and play video games and watch TV shows. The productive part of my day was talking to LV on the foggy lakefill tonight.
Prepare for your summer internship.
Attempt to do something for 394.
Learn 213.
Yet, you sit lazily on your ass and play video games and watch TV shows. The productive part of my day was talking to LV on the foggy lakefill tonight.
Friday, May 4, 2012
what a day
Found out checking my email this morning that I won't be getting paid for my "internship" which is being called a "summer programming training position" now. I didn't expect much of a pay, but I know the guy. I wish he was a bit less professional. "Please let us know if any changes on your side."
Us? -_- . And I always have a pet peeve against people who still include "Sent from my iPhone" in their emails.
Didn't wake up for 11am class. Discipleship with Ron was pretty much cut short. Lakefill with Bernard and Crystal.
Facebook thing. Going back to God. Studying for midterm tomorrow morning.
Us? -_- . And I always have a pet peeve against people who still include "Sent from my iPhone" in their emails.
Facebook thing. Going back to God. Studying for midterm tomorrow morning.
In other news, I think I know who I'll ask...
"offense is taken, not given"
They mean no harm, yet this has invoked such a strong response in me. I have a midterm tomorrow, but I can't concentrate.
It's funny because it's implied as a half-hearted joke. I think. I guess it's a funny phrase, standalone, but when it's part of my testimony? Part of my story of some of the worst times in my life?
Normally, I wipe it off me. That person doesn't know me well anyway, or I don't care about that person anyway. But when I entrust this person with a personal story of a time when I was most vulnerable?
Sigh, I'm taking offense. I can't just brush this one off.
It's funny because it's implied as a half-hearted joke. I think. I guess it's a funny phrase, standalone, but when it's part of my testimony? Part of my story of some of the worst times in my life?
Normally, I wipe it off me. That person doesn't know me well anyway, or I don't care about that person anyway. But when I entrust this person with a personal story of a time when I was most vulnerable?
Sigh, I'm taking offense. I can't just brush this one off.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
acts 4
In small group we talked about Acts 4 with Ananias and Sapphira. Why did God choose to kill two people who gave up their belongings for him? Given, they lied about how much they gave up and had mixed intentions, how many good deeds have I done that have been tainted with ulterior motives?
I remember Mr. Lin saying that if God saved ONE person in the entire world, he would still be giving more grace than we deserve. I've known this, but if God really did that, my views on God would change drastically. Honestly, I'd think of him as "kind of a dick," as I worded in small group today.
Kev brought up the point that sometimes we see God to be so loving that we take the grace we've been given for granted. We don't really see the necessity to flee from sin. We want the forgiveness and grace but we don't want to turn away from sin. God is love, right?
I'm reminded of a sermon that Billy and I listened to on the way to Workcamp, The Doctrine of God by D.A. Carson. [link if you have a lot of time.] Carson spoke of some passage in the old testament, where the seraphims are flying around God, with two wings covering their eyes because they cannot bear to see the glory of God, and the other two wings flying, singing and shouting, "HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the LORD ALMIGHTY."
These pure creatures cannot bear see him, yet they worship him day and night. I remember Carson saying, "You cannot put God in a BOX. GOD IS GOD. GOD IS GOD." Just like C.S. Lewis describes Aslan as "good" on one hand, but at the same time he says that "He is not a tame lion. How should we know what he would do?"
I forget. I put God in a box, thinking the only emotion he feels is love. No doubt, Jesus is the most loving man who walked this earth, but there is more to God than that. God is God. He's not our little bitch who we go to to be forgiven and freed. HE deserves our respect and demands it.
P.S. Normally I can't pull this many references, but for some reason that sermon stuck in my head and that quote.
small group
Had small on the rocks by north beach today. First day Spring Quarter that was over 70 degrees.
There was a moment during small group where I realized how much I was talking and immediately dismissing a certain person's points. I stared out on the beautiful and peaceful water and I thought...
"Quick to listen, slow to speak."
I've always desired to embody that motto, but I realize many times I cut people off. Things I need to work on...oh help me, God.
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