judgmental

Some days I feel so judgmental, and I hate it, but there's a reason why those pharisees were so blind right? They were so focused on doing the right things and looking good, that they missed it. They didn't even realize they missed it, even when Jesus called them out on it. In fact, they thought he was wrong and crucified him for it.

In that way, I almost envy those who have sinned gravely, because they know they are sinners! Not that I don't, but if you're the sickest person in the world, you are probably the person who wants to see a healer the most. But if you're healthy for the most part, seeing a doctor isn't a high priority.

But Romans says all have sinned and fall short! Yet, why is it to easy to be that worker that the vineyard owner hires early in the morning and think "how is this person who worked half as many hours as me deserve the same wages?"

Even when I write it, it just seems off.

But sigh -- grace is not earned. Wages are, but grace is not. Grace is freely given as a gift, because it cannot be earned. Walking in the light should be a delight and freeing, not a chore and hard labor -- not to say it is easy.

And I do love being freed...but why do I find myself silently judging others? Paul claims he is the worst of sinners. So does the writer, C.J. Mahaney, author of "Humility, True Greatness." Humility, unworthiness, and undeserved grace are at the heart of Christianity.

I pray that I will one day truly believe in those words -- that I am the worst of sinners, so that I may be humbled and seek God all the more.

thirty silver coins

FC wrote an email to the MD chain talking about Judas, how Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty silver coins. Then there's this moment where Judas realizes what he has done, how he has traded Jesus, the author of salvation, the creator of life, a sinless man, God incarnated...for thirty silver coins.

Which leads to the question -- would we do it? Maybe not thirty silver coins -- I'm not even sure how much that is worth in USD -- but something else? Ten million in the bank account? A beautiful girl or the perfect reputation? The most interesting instagram? What's my thirty silver coins?

It's so easy to say, yes, Jesus, I would give up everything for you if I could have you. I would sell everything I have and leave everything I know if I found that treasure in the field, yet when we extend that decision to making it every single day for day after day, and year after year, somehow we are unable to make that decision at all.

Well, maybe it'd be really nice to have a girlfriend and a job and be able to call myself a marathon finisher. A cozy apartment with nice furnishing wouldn't be too shabby either, and my best friends next to me, where I could drive to my parents house on weekdays for dinners. Oh, wouldn't it be nice to say that my kid went to Princeton?

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." 

IN HIS JOY, he gave up everything. It wasn't even a close decision. He didn't make a pro and con list of the decision, the treasure so outweighed everything he had that it was EASY.

What is blinding us, Father, from seeing the value of the kingdom of heaven? Why do I trade Jesus for thirty silver coins? I pray that I wouldn't make that mistake, Father...

fight, and pray for your fight

4/22/15

Father, grant me your power to fight, for my power is weak and my strength is dwindling, but You, Lord, are strong! Help me put on the full armor of God, so that I can stand up in these times of darkness. For there is mourning at night, but your joy comes in the morning, so may it come, and come ever so strongly. Grant me your joy, Father, grant me your peace.

I'm sick of seeing things for my glory and my entertainment. How do I teach myself that the path to joy is not one where I look inwardly and say what do I want, but it is one that I look outside of Jerusalem and say what do they need? Where is Christ at work and how can I be a part of that?

How can I tell myself that my joy is complete not when my bank account is full and my stomach is satisfied and my sexual desires are satiated, but when I see my Creator face to face. How do I teach myself this...without losing those things that I hold onto so tightly. I fear that I know the answer too well.

Catch me when I fall, Father, so I may rejoice in my sufferings to see You, father. 

Help me fight to see, Lord!