I think I need to stop posting for a bit, and take a step back.
I need to retune myself.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Realization
There is arrogance in the humility, and there is brokenness in the righteousness.
Reform me, renew me, Father.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Brighttag
So today is day 3 of working at BrightTag. So far my life has been consumed by work from 8:00-6:30 (50 minute commute included). Then I come home and attempt to conquer the beast that is organizing my apartment.
Basically everyday I have 6:30pm-12am to do stuff which I should be thankful for. And there is much I want to do, but I'm one of those people who can't start studying until I have a clean room and desk.
I'd like to read, write, run, workout, hangout, cook...but I feel like I can't until my apartment is organized. And I'm not sure if it'll be neat anytime soon because I think I need to purchase more furniture to organize it.
This is pretty much the biggest first world problem. "I have too much stuff so I need to purchase more stuff to fit my stuff."
Monday, June 24, 2013
first day of work
I'm writing this in the middle of a bustling L train. Young men in dress clothes and women in dresses looking out of place from the surprising Chicago afternoon showers.
I'm blessed to work at a place like BrightTag where the people really seem to like each other and like what they do. I'll now be running a MacBook Pro, so I feel like I'll be a Mac convert by the end of the summer. So far, I think I still like Linux better except Linux has terrible battery life and crappy installation issues.
Feels strange to be part of this 9-5 group, yet also calming. It feels good to have a routine, a job, and some change that has seemingly great potential.
musings
-I'm up early because I'm overanxious in going to my first day of work. A little nervous, but I'm happy to be on my way out of this transition period of being between school and work, between moving out of dorms and moving into my apartment. (The word "my apartment" still seems so foreign to me.)
-I will miss big sisters. I'm suppose to be a big, confident senior now, but I will gladly be reprimanded and given advice by these women. Who will do that for me next year?
-I need to learn to respect leadership. It is good to be vocal, but like Esther said, we need to trust in our leaders.
-Cedar was thought-provoking, but I think right now I just need to get away from people.
-I will miss big sisters. I'm suppose to be a big, confident senior now, but I will gladly be reprimanded and given advice by these women. Who will do that for me next year?
-I need to learn to respect leadership. It is good to be vocal, but like Esther said, we need to trust in our leaders.
-Cedar was thought-provoking, but I think right now I just need to get away from people.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Schuylkill banks
I've met this person only a handful of times, but I feel like I could read their writing for days.
"I’ve found solace by the Schuylkill banks at night, where all the ghastly buildings turn into pinpricks of light, and cars whiz by on rattling overpasses. I wonder if the groups of teens that gather there by night with their cigarettes and beer cans are there for the same reason as I am: to escape the suffocating sterility of their environment."
verses to remember
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Ex 14:14Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure-not to put it too severely-to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.
2 cor 2:5-7
For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 cor 4:18
In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.
2 cor 6:13
For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it-though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
2 cor 7:8-10
For I do not mean that others should be eased and you burdened, but that as a matter of fairness your abundance at the present time should supply their need, so that their abundance may supply your need, that there may be fairness.
2 cor 8:13-14
2 cor 4:18
In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.
2 cor 6:13
For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it-though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
2 cor 7:8-10
For I do not mean that others should be eased and you burdened, but that as a matter of fairness your abundance at the present time should supply their need, so that their abundance may supply your need, that there may be fairness.
2 cor 8:13-14
And the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live.”
Numbers 21:8
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Numbers 21:8
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Numbers 23:19
Only be strong and courageous.
Joshua 1:18
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
carecard
I urge you to continue to seek, and to seek earnestly. Not because these things are easy, but because they are so important. Because I believe it's important to seek truth and not be complacent, because truth structures how we think and how we live. If we don't know truth, then what is the reason behind the things we do?
And it's not about discovering a belief for the first time. We all believe in something. We believe that doing well in school will get us a high-paying job, and a high-paying job will lead to some sort of satisfaction. This is an example of a truth that we live by -- but what if that truth weren't true? What if money really didn't satisfy, nor did girls or sex.
If the truth we know isn't good, then we waste our time.
This is true for Christians and non-Christians alike.
But if the truth we know IS good, then we would know what we would need to do. Not to say that these things would be easy, but at least the direction would be known.
So, I urge you to continue seek, and seek earnestly. Because these things matter so much.
And it's not about discovering a belief for the first time. We all believe in something. We believe that doing well in school will get us a high-paying job, and a high-paying job will lead to some sort of satisfaction. This is an example of a truth that we live by -- but what if that truth weren't true? What if money really didn't satisfy, nor did girls or sex.
If the truth we know isn't good, then we waste our time.
This is true for Christians and non-Christians alike.
But if the truth we know IS good, then we would know what we would need to do. Not to say that these things would be easy, but at least the direction would be known.
So, I urge you to continue seek, and seek earnestly. Because these things matter so much.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
yes
One of the awesome things about talking to non-Christians about is rediscovering truths that you once knew, and still know, but simply forgot for the time being.
One of the things I was talking to KV about is the gravity of the decision to become a Christian and how it requires whole life change. KV was worried about how he was afraid of his entire self changing if he became a Christian.
So I guess I'll write a little about that.
--
Yes, the prospect of making the conscious decision to become a Christian is a huge one. One can easily look at current Christians and think, is that who I'm to become? Am I ready to do that? Am I ready to go to a village and throw my entire life away to teach the bible to these people? Is that how I want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life?
Although these might very well be fair questions, it shouldn't be the focus of one who seeks Christ. I think over and over again, God calls his followers to give up another part of their life to Him.
At first, it's acknowledging that we are sinful, and that we are in need of Christ's sacrifice for us. That simple acknowledgement, is enough to be able to call yourself Christian and be saved.
But it doesn't stop there. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if you continue to follow Christ, he'll continue to call you to follow him more. To test you to see if you really actually want this -- if you really actually value Christ and what he did for us. Some of these trials are small, maybe something as simple as,starting to go to church or attending small groups.
These trials go much farther, to taking on leadership, forgiving an enemy, forgiving a friend, forgiving a family member, being open to share your faith, reconciling with yourself and your own brokenness, fighting pornography, fighting anger issues, letting go of unhealthy relationships, changing your major, changing the way you dress, changing the events you attend, taking on my responsibility, taking on less responsibility and so much more, all the way to making the decision to give up your career for missions or stay at home with your kids, or other major life decisions.
Obviously, I'm 21 and I know very little about the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th quadrants of life, and even my first 21 years are vastly different from your, the reader's, first x about of years.
It may all seem daunting from afar, but even amidst my own "pruning," I suffer but I can be grateful because I know this leads to me loving Christ even more.
There are so many Christians who seemingly have passive, lukewarm, or inactive faiths. Whether or not they are still Christian, I don't know. That isn't up to me to decide, I think each person knows individually. But I think these things are from when we say, "No, God...you can't have that part of my life," and we reject him and stop growing. In fact, we probably even take steps backward.
God, you can have my Sunday mornings and my Friday nights, but how I treat my family? You can't tell me what to do. God, you can have my small group and my worship team, but how I treat Sally (or insert other name)? No, you don't understand.
And we stop growing. We become stagnant. We chase after other things, and it's only until we realize that the thing we are chasing is futile and meaningless, do we (hopefully) come back and submit that God knew best all along. I think that's the essence of this song, which I love. God will continue to call us to submit to Him, until like Jacob, we can acknowledge that He is all we want. We want our creator
So reader, I pray for you and I pray for myself. That we would not stay stagnant --instead we would say, "Yes" to God like Peter said, "Yes...I will walk onto the water, Lord." Because I struggle, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I acknowledge that there is so much brokenness inside of my own heart and my own interactions and mind...and I don't know what You are doing, Father or what your plan is for me or for you, but Father you've brought this far. And I know you are good, Abba, and I know you love me, and I know you are sovereign. So help me say "Yes, Father....I will follow you," over and over again in my life. Again and again. For all of my days.
Because money won't fill this heart.
And comfortableness won't give me peace.
And a beautiful girl won't give me freedom.
And life is fleeting.
But Father, you are everlasting, and you give us peace and purpose and freedom. I don't know where you are taking me, but for this decision, I say, "Yes."
One of the things I was talking to KV about is the gravity of the decision to become a Christian and how it requires whole life change. KV was worried about how he was afraid of his entire self changing if he became a Christian.
So I guess I'll write a little about that.
--
Yes, the prospect of making the conscious decision to become a Christian is a huge one. One can easily look at current Christians and think, is that who I'm to become? Am I ready to do that? Am I ready to go to a village and throw my entire life away to teach the bible to these people? Is that how I want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life?
Although these might very well be fair questions, it shouldn't be the focus of one who seeks Christ. I think over and over again, God calls his followers to give up another part of their life to Him.
At first, it's acknowledging that we are sinful, and that we are in need of Christ's sacrifice for us. That simple acknowledgement, is enough to be able to call yourself Christian and be saved.
But it doesn't stop there. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if you continue to follow Christ, he'll continue to call you to follow him more. To test you to see if you really actually want this -- if you really actually value Christ and what he did for us. Some of these trials are small, maybe something as simple as,starting to go to church or attending small groups.
These trials go much farther, to taking on leadership, forgiving an enemy, forgiving a friend, forgiving a family member, being open to share your faith, reconciling with yourself and your own brokenness, fighting pornography, fighting anger issues, letting go of unhealthy relationships, changing your major, changing the way you dress, changing the events you attend, taking on my responsibility, taking on less responsibility and so much more, all the way to making the decision to give up your career for missions or stay at home with your kids, or other major life decisions.
Obviously, I'm 21 and I know very little about the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th quadrants of life, and even my first 21 years are vastly different from your, the reader's, first x about of years.
It may all seem daunting from afar, but even amidst my own "pruning," I suffer but I can be grateful because I know this leads to me loving Christ even more.
There are so many Christians who seemingly have passive, lukewarm, or inactive faiths. Whether or not they are still Christian, I don't know. That isn't up to me to decide, I think each person knows individually. But I think these things are from when we say, "No, God...you can't have that part of my life," and we reject him and stop growing. In fact, we probably even take steps backward.
God, you can have my Sunday mornings and my Friday nights, but how I treat my family? You can't tell me what to do. God, you can have my small group and my worship team, but how I treat Sally (or insert other name)? No, you don't understand.
And we stop growing. We become stagnant. We chase after other things, and it's only until we realize that the thing we are chasing is futile and meaningless, do we (hopefully) come back and submit that God knew best all along. I think that's the essence of this song, which I love. God will continue to call us to submit to Him, until like Jacob, we can acknowledge that He is all we want. We want our creator
So reader, I pray for you and I pray for myself. That we would not stay stagnant --instead we would say, "Yes" to God like Peter said, "Yes...I will walk onto the water, Lord." Because I struggle, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I acknowledge that there is so much brokenness inside of my own heart and my own interactions and mind...and I don't know what You are doing, Father or what your plan is for me or for you, but Father you've brought this far. And I know you are good, Abba, and I know you love me, and I know you are sovereign. So help me say "Yes, Father....I will follow you," over and over again in my life. Again and again. For all of my days.
Because money won't fill this heart.
And comfortableness won't give me peace.
And a beautiful girl won't give me freedom.
And life is fleeting.
But Father, you are everlasting, and you give us peace and purpose and freedom. I don't know where you are taking me, but for this decision, I say, "Yes."
Saturday, June 8, 2013
dear beloved
I wish I could tell you. I wish I could pry. I wish I could force you to believe things, as a parent wishes that they could protect their child from hurt.
But no matter how many times my dad tells me to exercise or my mom tells me to eat my vegetables, it's futile. It's only after I've personally reached the conclusion that I need to exercise and eat well for good health that I finally come to the conclusions that my parents came to before I was even born.
And maybe now, they can say "I told you so," and/or look proudly on their child growing up and finally learning things. People are stubborn, what can I say. We learn through mistakes, through struggles, through the fights of life.
Who can read the bible and simply accept it and be changed? No. It takes much struggle and continuous mind strain and heart tearig to make active change, and even then sometimes it feels like nothing is happening. Sometimes we may even feel like we're moving backwards. But I guarantee you, if you seek Christ, you will see progress. It's not until 6 months afterward or maybe even a year that we realize...."I don't think I'm the same person I was back then."
And that's beautiful. Who in this world is so content with their life that they can say they want to be the same exact person they are in 6 months?
So dear beloved, I can't force you to believe. I can show you how Christ has been real and relevant in my own life, I can share with you the world perspective I have now, I can share with you my struggles and how Christ even works in them...
but as for you, I can't show you these things for yourself. You must seek for these things yourself, and you must see the importance in them. Our God is a great God and doesn't need the affection of us and isn't desperate for our attention. But rather, we are the one desperate ones, we are the one who are afflicted and in need, and we CRY OUT and YEARN FOR HIM.
Dear beloved, I pray that you can see this. I pray that your eyes and ears are opened and tuned to be able to see the beautiful Christ laid before you.
No one can push you through that door. Only you can walk through that door yourself.
But no matter how many times my dad tells me to exercise or my mom tells me to eat my vegetables, it's futile. It's only after I've personally reached the conclusion that I need to exercise and eat well for good health that I finally come to the conclusions that my parents came to before I was even born.
And maybe now, they can say "I told you so," and/or look proudly on their child growing up and finally learning things. People are stubborn, what can I say. We learn through mistakes, through struggles, through the fights of life.
Who can read the bible and simply accept it and be changed? No. It takes much struggle and continuous mind strain and heart tearig to make active change, and even then sometimes it feels like nothing is happening. Sometimes we may even feel like we're moving backwards. But I guarantee you, if you seek Christ, you will see progress. It's not until 6 months afterward or maybe even a year that we realize...."I don't think I'm the same person I was back then."
And that's beautiful. Who in this world is so content with their life that they can say they want to be the same exact person they are in 6 months?
So dear beloved, I can't force you to believe. I can show you how Christ has been real and relevant in my own life, I can share with you the world perspective I have now, I can share with you my struggles and how Christ even works in them...
but as for you, I can't show you these things for yourself. You must seek for these things yourself, and you must see the importance in them. Our God is a great God and doesn't need the affection of us and isn't desperate for our attention. But rather, we are the one desperate ones, we are the one who are afflicted and in need, and we CRY OUT and YEARN FOR HIM.
Dear beloved, I pray that you can see this. I pray that your eyes and ears are opened and tuned to be able to see the beautiful Christ laid before you.
No one can push you through that door. Only you can walk through that door yourself.
weird
I've never sang in public all my life, afraid that I was tone-deaf and couldn't sing for my life.
Matthew 6:26-28
Yesterday, I sang at senior focus. Strange.
Part of me still believes I still can't sing. Just...that song.
I remember hearing it for the first time Grace and Ryan's wedding back at WCEC by Jenny and Tyler, and hearing these lines:
I remember hearing it for the first time Grace and Ryan's wedding back at WCEC by Jenny and Tyler, and hearing these lines:
"I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day"
Matthew 6:26-28
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
And that was nearly 4 years ago. Strange how things come back.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
past
The past is the past and the present is the present.
I am not who I was a year ago.
Not to say my past self was better or worse, but simply put, I am not who I was a year ago.
That was me, but this is me now.
I am not who I was a year ago.
Not to say my past self was better or worse, but simply put, I am not who I was a year ago.
That was me, but this is me now.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
dream
So I stayed up until 4am....crashed on the MD couch. Then woke up at 5am. Cancelled the sunrise bible study because it was too cloudy. Slept again from 5-7:45, woke up. Realized I was late to breakfast. Went to breakfast. Got back around 9:30ish and slept until 11:30.
1+2.75+2 = 5.75 hours of sleep. Weird. I woke up around the same time if I were just to go to sleep at 3am. Anyway, I had a dream between 9:30-11:30.
--
I was at Cedar. But this wasn't Cedar Campus....this was so much cooler, much more island-ish place with a big ship hitting the sand. I remember dreaming a long time just about going around the place. Then somehow I got in trouble and had to go across the island and do something. I remember calling my parents and them asking where I was.
For some reason I was hesitant to explain because at this point I had already gone to Cedar? But I told them that this (the second visiting of Cedar) was the one that actually counted. I don't know. I guess my parents don't like it when I go to things like Cedar because they think it's not worth the money, and especially this year I guess because they could've come visit me during the week that Cedar is.
Anyway, I explain that to them, then realize that they were actually on a cruise ship themselves. Then I realize that their cruise is actually the big ship that was on the sand of Cedar Campus. I start doing monkey bar's back to the bridge to that connects to the ship while I was on the phone with my parents. I don't understand.
Anyway, I see my parents on deck, then climbing down the stairs to meet me.
I see my mom, and then I see my dad. There's something different about him. His hair is much different. It's like he wanted to shave his head, but then stopped the hairdressed half way. So the front right quadrant of his head is shaven. The sides of his head still have much hair, and then there;s the back/middle bald spot that many older men develop.
Somehow in this moment, I realize something. Either than my dad has cancer or quite simply that my dad is going to die.
I didn't say anything, but my dad saw my realization in my eyes, and I saw his sadness in his eyes. And I weeped. And he weeped.
And I woke up weeping, still.
Sigh, and that is a topic for another time. The fragility of life, the reality of life. What is a life when we know that all things are temporary? That there is a time when the people we love will come to die. In the meantime, I think I'm going to call my dad.
Fear not, there is good news. But only if you believe, I implore you, reader, to believe this news that is too good.
1+2.75+2 = 5.75 hours of sleep. Weird. I woke up around the same time if I were just to go to sleep at 3am. Anyway, I had a dream between 9:30-11:30.
--
I was at Cedar. But this wasn't Cedar Campus....this was so much cooler, much more island-ish place with a big ship hitting the sand. I remember dreaming a long time just about going around the place. Then somehow I got in trouble and had to go across the island and do something. I remember calling my parents and them asking where I was.
For some reason I was hesitant to explain because at this point I had already gone to Cedar? But I told them that this (the second visiting of Cedar) was the one that actually counted. I don't know. I guess my parents don't like it when I go to things like Cedar because they think it's not worth the money, and especially this year I guess because they could've come visit me during the week that Cedar is.
Anyway, I explain that to them, then realize that they were actually on a cruise ship themselves. Then I realize that their cruise is actually the big ship that was on the sand of Cedar Campus. I start doing monkey bar's back to the bridge to that connects to the ship while I was on the phone with my parents. I don't understand.
Anyway, I see my parents on deck, then climbing down the stairs to meet me.
I see my mom, and then I see my dad. There's something different about him. His hair is much different. It's like he wanted to shave his head, but then stopped the hairdressed half way. So the front right quadrant of his head is shaven. The sides of his head still have much hair, and then there;s the back/middle bald spot that many older men develop.
Somehow in this moment, I realize something. Either than my dad has cancer or quite simply that my dad is going to die.
I didn't say anything, but my dad saw my realization in my eyes, and I saw his sadness in his eyes. And I weeped. And he weeped.
And I woke up weeping, still.
Sigh, and that is a topic for another time. The fragility of life, the reality of life. What is a life when we know that all things are temporary? That there is a time when the people we love will come to die. In the meantime, I think I'm going to call my dad.
Fear not, there is good news. But only if you believe, I implore you, reader, to believe this news that is too good.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
leviticus
If there's anything I'm learning from reading all this Old Testament is how holy God is. From how to construct the tabernacle to the rules on what is clean and what is unclean, and how to become clean if you are unclean...
It's because you must be clean in the God's presence. Because He is perfectly clean.
Honestly, I read these passages, and I'm just like, "God, why do you even love these people." They can't keep these. We read some of them, and we're like, "Okay...don't have sex with my mother. That makes sense." But then others, we can't help be unclean. When a woman has menstruation or when we have skin diseases or eat certain animals, we become unclean and require a gruesome process to become clean.
Why does a clean God desire so strongly to love an unclean people?
I am the Lord your God.
Even now.
It's because you must be clean in the God's presence. Because He is perfectly clean.
Honestly, I read these passages, and I'm just like, "God, why do you even love these people." They can't keep these. We read some of them, and we're like, "Okay...don't have sex with my mother. That makes sense." But then others, we can't help be unclean. When a woman has menstruation or when we have skin diseases or eat certain animals, we become unclean and require a gruesome process to become clean.
Why does a clean God desire so strongly to love an unclean people?
I am the Lord your God.
Even now.
2:36
Bernard's asleep. Yom's working away in the lounge.
What to say? My mind is busting full of different thoughts and emotions, but I can't pick one and say it. And develop it to a coherent idea and point.
I have 10 days left in Hinman and Men's Den.
Weird.
What to say? My mind is busting full of different thoughts and emotions, but I can't pick one and say it. And develop it to a coherent idea and point.
I have 10 days left in Hinman and Men's Den.
Weird.
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