http://www.thesimpledollar.com/some-thoughts-on-following-passion/
this is on my mind today
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
it's hard knowing what you want
ramble alert.
It's hard knowing what you want. Even from high school, we begin seeing people spring towards careers, taking on leadership for the sake of padding that college application, or doing research to prepare for premed. I'm not saying this wrong -- I think it's great to try different things, but it's so dangerous to run towards something so quickly. What's worse than not knowing what major to choose your junior year in college? Not knowing what other jobs you can do when you're stuck in a job at 30 years old, and you've spent half your life trying to get there.
It's not to say that we should be lazy and not choose a direction, but it is to say to keep our eyes open. Maybe I'm saying this because I'm in my early 20s and recently started a job that I'm finding extremely difficult, despite wonderful coworkers and an awesome company. And I think every job will have its difficulties, so it's what we do with the hardship, not the job that defines us.
Amongst all this, it's hard to make room for a trust in God.And I desperately want to trust, because the burden of actually thinking about my future as an independent person is dreadful. If the world had no God, no forgiveness, and no purpose, and I better fucking get good at my job or else I'm going to thrown into the pool of jobless graduates -- maybe that shame of that is even worse than the actual unemployment.
But it's so strange. On one level, I say, "Yes, God -- I trust you." But then everyday, I hit a seemingly impossible project at work, and it seems odd to say, even this coding problem, God, I trust in you. But I think that's what I'm ought to do, as silly as it sounds. I long to sigh and to lose the burden of independence. But everything within me screams, you must take action to get further. Do more to receive more.
And that's not wrong. If you work out more then you'll get more fit. If I code more then I'll become a better coder. And as an adult male and a someone who works in the technology industry, these are both things I want and should do, but when I allow these things to tie so closely to who I am and who I want to show the world I am -- I'm destroyed when I can't do it, and that burden comes back.
I think that's one of the things I most fear. There's this push in society that men ought to be accomplished. Well spoken. Well dressed. Handy. Confident. Muscular. Intelligent and informed. Well read. Funny. And if one of these criteria don't match up, well that's the scarlet letter you wear to the world. "He's a nice guy but he's...too short." So we work so hard too have as little "but's" next to our names, yet we inevitably fail. We pursue a goal a that is impossible to reach. Sometimes I'm not sure if we like things because we like them or because society tells us that they are things we ought to like and be good at.
I'm sure women have similar and different struggles too, but these are ours -- or rather, mine.
I'd love to pluck these things off me, to stop caring about reputation in world driven by likes and reblogs ands views, I'd love take on the yoke that is easy and the burden that is light, but for now, somehow I'm in a cage with a wide open door and unable to exit.
This post is really sad, like many of my posts are -- I admit I tend to write when I'm sadder, although I think I avoid writing when I'm saddest to avoid sounding like a slob (which I don't want to appear as a slob for reasons above).
So to conclude -- I need Jesus. What does it actually mean to for Christ to provide strength in weakness? I've explained it before, and I've probably even experienced it before. But my mind is so quick to forget, and my heart so quick to lie.
currently listening to:
It's hard knowing what you want. Even from high school, we begin seeing people spring towards careers, taking on leadership for the sake of padding that college application, or doing research to prepare for premed. I'm not saying this wrong -- I think it's great to try different things, but it's so dangerous to run towards something so quickly. What's worse than not knowing what major to choose your junior year in college? Not knowing what other jobs you can do when you're stuck in a job at 30 years old, and you've spent half your life trying to get there.
It's not to say that we should be lazy and not choose a direction, but it is to say to keep our eyes open. Maybe I'm saying this because I'm in my early 20s and recently started a job that I'm finding extremely difficult, despite wonderful coworkers and an awesome company. And I think every job will have its difficulties, so it's what we do with the hardship, not the job that defines us.
Amongst all this, it's hard to make room for a trust in God.And I desperately want to trust, because the burden of actually thinking about my future as an independent person is dreadful. If the world had no God, no forgiveness, and no purpose, and I better fucking get good at my job or else I'm going to thrown into the pool of jobless graduates -- maybe that shame of that is even worse than the actual unemployment.
But it's so strange. On one level, I say, "Yes, God -- I trust you." But then everyday, I hit a seemingly impossible project at work, and it seems odd to say, even this coding problem, God, I trust in you. But I think that's what I'm ought to do, as silly as it sounds. I long to sigh and to lose the burden of independence. But everything within me screams, you must take action to get further. Do more to receive more.
And that's not wrong. If you work out more then you'll get more fit. If I code more then I'll become a better coder. And as an adult male and a someone who works in the technology industry, these are both things I want and should do, but when I allow these things to tie so closely to who I am and who I want to show the world I am -- I'm destroyed when I can't do it, and that burden comes back.
I think that's one of the things I most fear. There's this push in society that men ought to be accomplished. Well spoken. Well dressed. Handy. Confident. Muscular. Intelligent and informed. Well read. Funny. And if one of these criteria don't match up, well that's the scarlet letter you wear to the world. "He's a nice guy but he's...too short." So we work so hard too have as little "but's" next to our names, yet we inevitably fail. We pursue a goal a that is impossible to reach. Sometimes I'm not sure if we like things because we like them or because society tells us that they are things we ought to like and be good at.
I'm sure women have similar and different struggles too, but these are ours -- or rather, mine.
I'd love to pluck these things off me, to stop caring about reputation in world driven by likes and reblogs ands views, I'd love take on the yoke that is easy and the burden that is light, but for now, somehow I'm in a cage with a wide open door and unable to exit.
This post is really sad, like many of my posts are -- I admit I tend to write when I'm sadder, although I think I avoid writing when I'm saddest to avoid sounding like a slob (which I don't want to appear as a slob for reasons above).
So to conclude -- I need Jesus. What does it actually mean to for Christ to provide strength in weakness? I've explained it before, and I've probably even experienced it before. But my mind is so quick to forget, and my heart so quick to lie.
currently listening to:
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
going out trying
cnn story link
Read this on the bus ride to Sears tower today for a DevOps conference.
A quote from Kassig's letter to his parents struck me: "I am very sad that all this has happened and for what all of you back home are going through. If I do die, I figure that at least you and I can seek refuge and comfort in knowing that I went out as a result of trying to alleviate suffering and helping those in need."
Read this on the bus ride to Sears tower today for a DevOps conference.
A quote from Kassig's letter to his parents struck me: "I am very sad that all this has happened and for what all of you back home are going through. If I do die, I figure that at least you and I can seek refuge and comfort in knowing that I went out as a result of trying to alleviate suffering and helping those in need."
Makes me question what I'm doing. Here am I -- I went home early today because I thought the conference was a little too much for me, and I messed around with the bike I've been trying to fix, play League, made some food, watched some videos, talked to my roommate, and now I'm about to go to sleep.
Not all of us will go out heroically, I'm sure. We won't have the story tale ending to our lives, yet it makes me want to do more.
I want to do something hard, yet something meaningful -- something worth dying for. To my disappointment, however, I think right now I am to study devops more and learn and do good work at my job.
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