I went to the Urban Poverty bible study this morning on Luke 10, where Jesus sends the people out to tell the villages that the Kingdom of God is near. Definitely a passage that I would glance over when I read the bible. Now I love this passage. This is after Jesus gave the "if you don't leave your father when he is dying for me, you are not fit for this kingdom." The Christ followers after hearing that are the ones that go out to the cities.
They go. They waste no time. The harvest is plentiful, Jesus promises. How often do I think I don't know who to go to, that no one is out there. But Jesus promises, the harvest is plentiful. Everyone wants to know meaning, to know life, to have purpose, to experience shalom. I will define shalom as more than peace, it is when everything is right with everything. Shalom among people is more than a peace that people are not fighting, but the people are RIGHT with each other, and the people treat each other well, and everything seems to be in place.
We bring the news that the kingdom of God is coming, where shalom will be brought everywhere. We have the honor to bring this great news. It is with great honor that we bear this fantastic news. Jesus doesn't need us to give the message, but he allows us to be a part of it and witness what "many prophets and kings desired to see."
The 72 went out and brought shalom on the cities they went to. They healed sick, they bring relationships, they bring hope.
It says that Jesus hides things from the wise and understanding, but reveals them to the children. What does he hide? I think he hides that this shalom, and the bringing of the shalom is the most valuable thing we can be a part of. That the rich will never be able to use their money to make everything fit into place.
Today, I was blessed to be able to serve at Urbana. I helped pack boxes for 32,000 health kits that were to be sent to Swaziland. Even though one might say I feel good because I helped so many people, I think there is more than that. It is the passage in the works.
I felt so blessed that I even able to be a part of it. That God didn't need me to move those boxes, nor did the caretakers need those supplies if God just healed everyone. But instead, he allows us to partake in this process of seeing the Kingdom of God come near, seeing Shalom happen in Swaziland, and I was so blessed. So so blessed. I experienced more joy tonight than I think any job could, any amount of money could bring me.
The sense of accomplishment of simply putting one filled box into the container that was to be shipped to Swaziland was greater than I've ever gotten from anything academic in college.
I want to see shalom come. I want to be a part of it.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Urbana day 2
Morning bible study was on Luke 5. I love this passage and having different people have inputs let me see different things.
Morning session was about Jesus seeing our most urgent need is healing of sins. Ate lunch at java plus.
First seminar was "gods heart for the poor," which exactly what I want to learn about and get out of urbana, but I found it kind of boring and fell asleep.
Second seminar, the one I decided to go to was cancelled (it was one by a cs guy), so I went to the urban poverty track instead. Good decision. It was a good panel discussion on how the panel members had lived out social justice e in their own way. Unfortunately, I don't think "learned" it (more on the quotation marks later), but one quote stuck in my mind by the man sitting in front of me.
I shared why I came to urbana, how I want to see gods heart for the marginalized and poor and he simply said this.
"Tim Keller says that if you don't know a poor person then you probably don't know Jesus."
Maybe a bit extreme but this hit me like a brick wall. All Jesus did was hangout with. "Poor" people in his ministry on earth. Yet I lack this empathy and this devotion to the poor.
Ate dinner without any AAIV or wcec people, instead met a kid named David Kim who was from SoCal but went to a liberal arts college in Maine. Had a small dinner conversation and went along pure way.
Chai ling spoke at night about her passion for fixing china ever since she was a college student. This slowly brought her to Christ, who taught her much about the suffering she went through and now gives her a passion for the oppressed woman of china and rape victims.
David Platt was the main speaker and spoke on the tough passage in Luke 9. The passage talks about the extreme costs about what it takes to follow Jesus. He tells us to stop watering the word down, and simply acknowledge that god is not this North American god we comfortably gift wrap but a dangerous god in the bible, that's tells everyone to leave everything.
He pointed to house churches in china, who all they wanted was to learn gods word. And that is all they needed. He denounced the North American need to make church so interesting with massive r budgets and programs, when all we really need to fulfill us is Jesus. The house church he taught at figured it out.
We choose Jesus because he is worth all these things. Not because it is hard but because there is a reason why Jesus is greater than your parents, your dreams.
At night, I skipped the AAIV talk for roommate huddle with Dan Eddie and billy. We all had different reasons why we are here.
I'm reminded of pastor peter's quote, can we trust god enough to live in his mystery? To trust that he is good but no entirely know his plan? Do we trust him?
If anything, I've realized how blessed I am to have been able to attend northwestern.
I'm typing this from my iPhone, so forgive me for spelling and grammar mistakes. Goodnight.
Morning session was about Jesus seeing our most urgent need is healing of sins. Ate lunch at java plus.
First seminar was "gods heart for the poor," which exactly what I want to learn about and get out of urbana, but I found it kind of boring and fell asleep.
Second seminar, the one I decided to go to was cancelled (it was one by a cs guy), so I went to the urban poverty track instead. Good decision. It was a good panel discussion on how the panel members had lived out social justice e in their own way. Unfortunately, I don't think "learned" it (more on the quotation marks later), but one quote stuck in my mind by the man sitting in front of me.
I shared why I came to urbana, how I want to see gods heart for the marginalized and poor and he simply said this.
"Tim Keller says that if you don't know a poor person then you probably don't know Jesus."
Maybe a bit extreme but this hit me like a brick wall. All Jesus did was hangout with. "Poor" people in his ministry on earth. Yet I lack this empathy and this devotion to the poor.
Ate dinner without any AAIV or wcec people, instead met a kid named David Kim who was from SoCal but went to a liberal arts college in Maine. Had a small dinner conversation and went along pure way.
Chai ling spoke at night about her passion for fixing china ever since she was a college student. This slowly brought her to Christ, who taught her much about the suffering she went through and now gives her a passion for the oppressed woman of china and rape victims.
David Platt was the main speaker and spoke on the tough passage in Luke 9. The passage talks about the extreme costs about what it takes to follow Jesus. He tells us to stop watering the word down, and simply acknowledge that god is not this North American god we comfortably gift wrap but a dangerous god in the bible, that's tells everyone to leave everything.
He pointed to house churches in china, who all they wanted was to learn gods word. And that is all they needed. He denounced the North American need to make church so interesting with massive r budgets and programs, when all we really need to fulfill us is Jesus. The house church he taught at figured it out.
We choose Jesus because he is worth all these things. Not because it is hard but because there is a reason why Jesus is greater than your parents, your dreams.
At night, I skipped the AAIV talk for roommate huddle with Dan Eddie and billy. We all had different reasons why we are here.
I'm reminded of pastor peter's quote, can we trust god enough to live in his mystery? To trust that he is good but no entirely know his plan? Do we trust him?
If anything, I've realized how blessed I am to have been able to attend northwestern.
I'm typing this from my iPhone, so forgive me for spelling and grammar mistakes. Goodnight.
Friday, December 28, 2012
urbana day 1
Because I usually end up forgetting just about everything I learn and do at these retreats (I guess it's called a conference now), I shall blog it this time.
Today was a hectic day, filled with delayed flights and a bit of frustration, but not too bad.
Woke up, ate breakfast while my parents lectured me on getting a "skill" so I wouldn't have to worry in the future (and therefore, they wouldn't have to worry for me). My brother must get this talk everyday. I'm quite happy with my decision to move a decent distance away from my parents for college. I left home a bit angry, honestly, I just hate ..that...conversation with my parents. At the same time, I don't know when is the next time I will see my parents. Not sure if I'm coming back for spring break, and I start my internship the week after school ends.
I've been thinking about parents a lot. In how disappointed I am in myself and in my parents for the relationship we have. I look at other kids laughing and joking with their parents...I wish I could have fun with my parents. But no, dinner conversations are just about the food being served, quiet car rides, among other things.
But who am I to judge them as parents? I began to wonder this morning in the terminal, I wonder if they regret being parents. They gave so much of their effort and lives to being parents, support me through college financially, yet receive so little back.
Anyway, PHL->MDW->STL. Arrived in STL an hour late, thought it would be much later after a lot of the annoyances I went through. Checked into the hotel, checked into Urbana, then ran to Imo's for pizza with Northwestern people. Then went to the main session with Northwestern people because Billy/Eddie/Dan didn't arrive yet.
The speaker spoke on Luke 4, the passage about being getting upset at Jesus. I've done the passage in family group, but it still feels weird. The people get upset at Jesus because He didn't do what they want. What bothers me is that Jesus sort of just cut them off before they even could do anything. But I guess they got angry, so it means they were thinking of what they did.
Maybe I'm being like those people. Feeling like I know what Jesus can do for me. Putting him in a box.
Afterwards, I ditched my AAIV group and found Billy. We wandered around for a bit and ended up at a Irish Pub/Restaurant. Ate a really good pulled lamb sandwich, but it was really expensive. Came back to the hotel, met the c4 guys downstairs, then went back upstairs when Dan Wu came back. Good to be with these guys.
Today was a hectic day, filled with delayed flights and a bit of frustration, but not too bad.
Woke up, ate breakfast while my parents lectured me on getting a "skill" so I wouldn't have to worry in the future (and therefore, they wouldn't have to worry for me). My brother must get this talk everyday. I'm quite happy with my decision to move a decent distance away from my parents for college. I left home a bit angry, honestly, I just hate ..that...conversation with my parents. At the same time, I don't know when is the next time I will see my parents. Not sure if I'm coming back for spring break, and I start my internship the week after school ends.
I've been thinking about parents a lot. In how disappointed I am in myself and in my parents for the relationship we have. I look at other kids laughing and joking with their parents...I wish I could have fun with my parents. But no, dinner conversations are just about the food being served, quiet car rides, among other things.
But who am I to judge them as parents? I began to wonder this morning in the terminal, I wonder if they regret being parents. They gave so much of their effort and lives to being parents, support me through college financially, yet receive so little back.
Anyway, PHL->MDW->STL. Arrived in STL an hour late, thought it would be much later after a lot of the annoyances I went through. Checked into the hotel, checked into Urbana, then ran to Imo's for pizza with Northwestern people. Then went to the main session with Northwestern people because Billy/Eddie/Dan didn't arrive yet.
The speaker spoke on Luke 4, the passage about being getting upset at Jesus. I've done the passage in family group, but it still feels weird. The people get upset at Jesus because He didn't do what they want. What bothers me is that Jesus sort of just cut them off before they even could do anything. But I guess they got angry, so it means they were thinking of what they did.
Maybe I'm being like those people. Feeling like I know what Jesus can do for me. Putting him in a box.
Afterwards, I ditched my AAIV group and found Billy. We wandered around for a bit and ended up at a Irish Pub/Restaurant. Ate a really good pulled lamb sandwich, but it was really expensive. Came back to the hotel, met the c4 guys downstairs, then went back upstairs when Dan Wu came back. Good to be with these guys.
Monday, December 24, 2012
i need to sleep like a normal human being
Is it bad that the thing I'm probably looking forward to most right now is the four hours I'll have to myself when traveling from Philadelphia to St.Louis?
Yes, it is bad. It is very bad. It's not that my days are so filled with events now either, but there's no duties when traveling. There's nothing to get done.
Here, time spent alone feels like its being wasted. I could be spending time with family, friends, exercising, reading, etc. And with all these things on my mind, I'm not at peace.
Maybe it's a state of mind type thing, where it's really my own mind that's stopping me.
I sleep at ridiculous hours of the night, and I don't say that like I'm proud but rather that I'm embarrassed.
I feel much closer to my family when I'm in Chicago. Just seems like there's nothing to do with my family, nothing to talk about.
I talked to an..."old friend" the other day, I guess you could say. His Facebook, his "godly" words make him seem like he's experienced some dramatic transformation from his hole last year. And I just can't seem to accept it. This guy that acted like a total douche last year now pulling on the christian phrases out, giving out as much godly advice as possible, without people asking for it.
I'm so skeptical and I can't accept the change. I guess him being a dick on LoL doesn't help. Sigh, it's hard to change your perception of someone. But at the same time, withholding judgment and loving your enemies is at the CORE of what I believe.
Yet I judge harshly. And see myself above my "enemies."
Create in me a new heart, oh God.
Yes, it is bad. It is very bad. It's not that my days are so filled with events now either, but there's no duties when traveling. There's nothing to get done.
Here, time spent alone feels like its being wasted. I could be spending time with family, friends, exercising, reading, etc. And with all these things on my mind, I'm not at peace.
Maybe it's a state of mind type thing, where it's really my own mind that's stopping me.
I sleep at ridiculous hours of the night, and I don't say that like I'm proud but rather that I'm embarrassed.
I feel much closer to my family when I'm in Chicago. Just seems like there's nothing to do with my family, nothing to talk about.
I talked to an..."old friend" the other day, I guess you could say. His Facebook, his "godly" words make him seem like he's experienced some dramatic transformation from his hole last year. And I just can't seem to accept it. This guy that acted like a total douche last year now pulling on the christian phrases out, giving out as much godly advice as possible, without people asking for it.
I'm so skeptical and I can't accept the change. I guess him being a dick on LoL doesn't help. Sigh, it's hard to change your perception of someone. But at the same time, withholding judgment and loving your enemies is at the CORE of what I believe.
Yet I judge harshly. And see myself above my "enemies."
Create in me a new heart, oh God.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
chinese culture
I remember reading Alice's blog over the summer, about how she wanted to return to China when she graduated.
This post especially hit me hard.
My mom just forwarded me an article about Kunming (where my maternal grandmother grew up), and it's all so foreign. What did I lose?
Why am I, I daresay, ashamed of Chinese culture, even when I am most definitely so influenced by it. I guess I only see the brokenness in the culture and not the beauty.
I question what I have lost along the way.
This post especially hit me hard.
"We [her parents] spent our lives working hard so that we could leave China and struggled in a new country so that we could provide better opportunities for you in America … and now you want to go back to China?”
I can understand their confusion. I call it the immigrant’s dilemma: My parents fear losing what they sacrificed to build, I fear losing what they sacrificed."
My mom just forwarded me an article about Kunming (where my maternal grandmother grew up), and it's all so foreign. What did I lose?
Why am I, I daresay, ashamed of Chinese culture, even when I am most definitely so influenced by it. I guess I only see the brokenness in the culture and not the beauty.
I question what I have lost along the way.
Richard Chang is 21 years old.
It's been a grow-up sort of day.
I started a discipleship with an AAIV freshman.
I did an EECS mentor dinner with a McCormick freshman.
I bought some Smirnoff for Peter for his 21st birthday.
The cashier scanned my Delaware drivers license, and his screen flashed, "Richard Chang is 21 years old." I paid for the 6-pack, and that was it.
I started a discipleship with an AAIV freshman.
I did an EECS mentor dinner with a McCormick freshman.
I bought some Smirnoff for Peter for his 21st birthday.
The cashier scanned my Delaware drivers license, and his screen flashed, "Richard Chang is 21 years old." I paid for the 6-pack, and that was it.
Monday, December 3, 2012
2012 NYR
Looking back on my NYR for 2012, I'm trying to see what I can still do.
1. Learn HTML, XML, Java, C++, C#, Android SDK
2. Make 3 software projects, 1 being an Android app
3. Get an internship
4. Learn to hike/camp
5. Have an amazing hiking/camping trip
6. Find a girl to pursue
7. Make a habit out of reading the Bible.
8. Pursue my passion
9. Love my parents. There's not much time left until independence.
10. Love my brother
11. Get to know my AAIV class better. Find a group at NU.
12. Stand up for what I believe
#1,3,9,10,11 I consider myself...accomplished. Well, 9,10 is a lifelong working progress.
Probably won't go camping anytime soon.
Everything else....#6 URBANA? Sike...
#12. I feel like it's coming.
1. Learn HTML, XML, Java, C++, C#, Android SDK
2. Make 3 software projects, 1 being an Android app
3. Get an internship
4. Learn to hike/camp
5. Have an amazing hiking/camping trip
6. Find a girl to pursue
7. Make a habit out of reading the Bible.
8. Pursue my passion
9. Love my parents. There's not much time left until independence.
10. Love my brother
11. Get to know my AAIV class better. Find a group at NU.
12. Stand up for what I believe
#1,3,9,10,11 I consider myself...accomplished. Well, 9,10 is a lifelong working progress.
Probably won't go camping anytime soon.
Everything else....#6 URBANA? Sike...
#12. I feel like it's coming.
Small group leading reflection
//written at neighborhood meeting
Just reread my original post for how I wanted my fg to go. I said I didn't want to be concerned with the results of my fg, but rather my own heart towards my family group.
I'm not satisfied with how my family group has gone this quarter. I feel like my heart hasn't been changed that much for this family group. I haven't gotten any one on one with people, I have gchatted/fbchatted people. I don’t prepare adequately.
I do lead FG itself in an satisfactory way, but even still. There’s so much that I lack to put into FG that my FG already can only have such a potential.
There are two major problems with our family group right now.
One, we barely have Elder freshmen. We have Brandon and Roy. It’s not that I’m concerned about numbers (okay, just kdding, I admit I am), but I should be concerned with my own effort to reach out to the rest of the elder freshmen. Besides doorknocking for the first two weeks of school, I haven’t gone out to try to meet them. I thought maybe they’ll come across my path. They haven’t. Still trying to think of ways to seek these Asian Elder freshmen, whether going to parties to try to meet them, doorknocking again, or something else.
Another problem is the relationships within our family group. Luckily, Roy, Michelle, Michelle, Joanne, Kevin, Michael, Katie all feel comfortable within our family group. But any “outsider”, like Kristina, still doesn’t know most of them and doesn’t feel comfortable. I think this was most evident when people were signing Kristina’s birthday card. This…not too sure how to fix. Have people eat meals with each other?
I guess there’s a third problem. More of a goal than a problem. For whoever comes, I want to be able to strengthen the way the people view the gospel in their life. I want them to see their need for God, and desire and long for God more, for current Christians and nonchristians. I think that comes with us becoming more vulnerable with each other over time. We’re getting there, but I think I as a family group leader also need to stop trying to appear spiritual and be unashamed of my brokenness, only boasting in my need for God.
Just reread my original post for how I wanted my fg to go. I said I didn't want to be concerned with the results of my fg, but rather my own heart towards my family group.
I'm not satisfied with how my family group has gone this quarter. I feel like my heart hasn't been changed that much for this family group. I haven't gotten any one on one with people, I have gchatted/fbchatted people. I don’t prepare adequately.
I do lead FG itself in an satisfactory way, but even still. There’s so much that I lack to put into FG that my FG already can only have such a potential.
There are two major problems with our family group right now.
One, we barely have Elder freshmen. We have Brandon and Roy. It’s not that I’m concerned about numbers (okay, just kdding, I admit I am), but I should be concerned with my own effort to reach out to the rest of the elder freshmen. Besides doorknocking for the first two weeks of school, I haven’t gone out to try to meet them. I thought maybe they’ll come across my path. They haven’t. Still trying to think of ways to seek these Asian Elder freshmen, whether going to parties to try to meet them, doorknocking again, or something else.
Another problem is the relationships within our family group. Luckily, Roy, Michelle, Michelle, Joanne, Kevin, Michael, Katie all feel comfortable within our family group. But any “outsider”, like Kristina, still doesn’t know most of them and doesn’t feel comfortable. I think this was most evident when people were signing Kristina’s birthday card. This…not too sure how to fix. Have people eat meals with each other?
I guess there’s a third problem. More of a goal than a problem. For whoever comes, I want to be able to strengthen the way the people view the gospel in their life. I want them to see their need for God, and desire and long for God more, for current Christians and nonchristians. I think that comes with us becoming more vulnerable with each other over time. We’re getting there, but I think I as a family group leader also need to stop trying to appear spiritual and be unashamed of my brokenness, only boasting in my need for God.
hinman 4th floor
Why do I have such a hard time getting to know the rest of Hinman 4th floor. It's not like 2 years ago in Elder, where honestly I feel I was so different, that it just wasn't possible.
It's evident when you look at who that group has invited to the Secret Santa. No, I'm not bitter. Of course when Sunny realized that only two guys in Men's Den were invited, she offered to do a re-invite...but that's because its Sunny.
Who have I gotten semi-comfortable with? Sunny, Ashley, Kasey, and Jiwoo. Congrats. The 4 Asians on the floor.
Nick and Erik, of course, were the two invited ones, the two nonchristians in Men's Den. It's not that they are the too much social of the group, it's just that they...gave a shit.
Jesus never turned anyone way, but I seem to be picking and choosing.
It's evident when you look at who that group has invited to the Secret Santa. No, I'm not bitter. Of course when Sunny realized that only two guys in Men's Den were invited, she offered to do a re-invite...but that's because its Sunny.
Who have I gotten semi-comfortable with? Sunny, Ashley, Kasey, and Jiwoo. Congrats. The 4 Asians on the floor.
Nick and Erik, of course, were the two invited ones, the two nonchristians in Men's Den. It's not that they are the too much social of the group, it's just that they...gave a shit.
Jesus never turned anyone way, but I seem to be picking and choosing.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
so much
too much has happened in the past few days.
Thursday. Dinner at my house with Sun, Shiau, Yu, Han, Fei family. Was a bit awkward with the girls not knowing each other. Jeff came by. Jeff and Eddie stayed late, was planning on going to Black Friday...ended up going to sleep.
Friday. Bought a bluetooth speaker. Dinner at WCEC. College group didn't do much except icebreakers. Went to Allen's that night to celebrate my 21st birthday. Probably had around 5-6 shots total. (I had 1 beer and 7 shots, but I don't think they were full shots.) I was definitely more tipsy than I ever was. But it wasn't bad. We played mafia, killer, water pong. Eric was there too. He drove me home.
Saturday. My birthday. Didn't do much. Got iPhone that day so just played around with it. Went to Mr. Lin's college dinner, talked a lot to girl who was a teacher in China. Not the conversation I imagined. Celebrated birthday there again.
Sunday. Church. Didn't do anything afterwards. I think I played with my phone and chatted with people. Facetimed Mary. Definitely good to catch up with her.
Monday. Errands. Went to Jia's at night briefly.
Tuesday. Fly back. Interview with IMC was rough. Good to be back in Hinman.
Thursday. Dinner at my house with Sun, Shiau, Yu, Han, Fei family. Was a bit awkward with the girls not knowing each other. Jeff came by. Jeff and Eddie stayed late, was planning on going to Black Friday...ended up going to sleep.
Friday. Bought a bluetooth speaker. Dinner at WCEC. College group didn't do much except icebreakers. Went to Allen's that night to celebrate my 21st birthday. Probably had around 5-6 shots total. (I had 1 beer and 7 shots, but I don't think they were full shots.) I was definitely more tipsy than I ever was. But it wasn't bad. We played mafia, killer, water pong. Eric was there too. He drove me home.
Saturday. My birthday. Didn't do much. Got iPhone that day so just played around with it. Went to Mr. Lin's college dinner, talked a lot to girl who was a teacher in China. Not the conversation I imagined. Celebrated birthday there again.
Sunday. Church. Didn't do anything afterwards. I think I played with my phone and chatted with people. Facetimed Mary. Definitely good to catch up with her.
Monday. Errands. Went to Jia's at night briefly.
Tuesday. Fly back. Interview with IMC was rough. Good to be back in Hinman.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
to do over thanksgiving
-start eecs130 project
-read BTree assignment
-catch up with friends and family
-be rested
-laptop issues?
-speakers
-read BTree assignment
-catch up with friends and family
-be rested
-laptop issues?
-speakers
security
Today, my pastor said that he didn't believe in 401K. Yes, he believed in saving. But when you are 65 and just taking the rest of your life easy?
"No, I will serve my God the time He has designated for me on this Earth. No more, no less."
"No, I will serve my God the time He has designated for me on this Earth. No more, no less."
confessing
In our short discipleship, one of the most important lessons that I got out of my time with Chris Nho was the power of corporate confession.
I don't think AAIV or Asian churches in general do much confession, because we are too afraid to tarnish our perfect image. As the family that has it together, as parents with the kids that went to great college and continued on to have "great" jobs (I put "great" in quotes, because really the only great jobs is something that makes over 100K. Let's just be real here. The number may be even higher depending on the Asian family).
Even as second generation Asian-American Christians, we don't want to ruin our Christian image to others. We want to be see as that mature guy or holy girl.
No one wants to admit that they are sinners. Of course, we procrastinate, we don't reach out enough, etc etc. Yes, we are quick to admit these. And that's great. Sin is sin. But there are easy-to-admit sins in my book, and hard-to-admit ones. And the hard-to-admit ones we keep inside of us. We forget about it. We tell ourselves that it doesn't even matter anymore. Maybe we even undermine the depth of our sin.
Yet, this is so against the Gospel.
In the parable of the Alabastar Jar , Simon, the Pharisee, says this:
“If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.”
In fact, he is correct in saying that this woman is a sinner. It is because she is a sinner that she so desperately wants forgiveness from Jesus. But the problem isn't that the woman is a sinner. It's that Simon doesn't realize that he is just as wretched as that woman. He simply doesn't have confidence to confess his sins like the woman with the alabaster jar is doing.
And until we can bring forth our sin before Jesus, we can't receive grace. As Andy Bilhorn says, "Grace isn't call grace until sin is called sin."
So what did Chris do?
He told me about an experience he had at Manna. He was going through some troubles with sin that lets just say I have yet to encounter. And he confessed at Manna. It wasn't a confessional Manna, but he confessed to those who were there that day.
Public confession means that you completely acknowledge that you are a sinner. You are not trying to hide behind some Christian mask and make yourself look better than others (like the Pharisee was), but you acknowledge your place. Only then are we truly "Unashamed."
And the beauty of confession in public? It's a churches/fellowships way of displaying the Gospel. We don't snicker at others confessions, we don't spread rumors, we don't love them less. No, if anything we love them more for being so vulnerable. We embrace robbers, we embrace porn addicts, we embrace cheaters. We embrace you. Not because of what you've done, but because of WHO you are in Christ Jesus.
So to those who read, I confess that I am not the holy man you might think I am.
I confess that I've stolen many things. I confess that I've cheated on tests and projects. I confess I'm addicted to pornography and masturbation. I confess that I am a sexist and a racist. I confess that I am a sinner.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I don't think AAIV or Asian churches in general do much confession, because we are too afraid to tarnish our perfect image. As the family that has it together, as parents with the kids that went to great college and continued on to have "great" jobs (I put "great" in quotes, because really the only great jobs is something that makes over 100K. Let's just be real here. The number may be even higher depending on the Asian family).
Even as second generation Asian-American Christians, we don't want to ruin our Christian image to others. We want to be see as that mature guy or holy girl.
No one wants to admit that they are sinners. Of course, we procrastinate, we don't reach out enough, etc etc. Yes, we are quick to admit these. And that's great. Sin is sin. But there are easy-to-admit sins in my book, and hard-to-admit ones. And the hard-to-admit ones we keep inside of us. We forget about it. We tell ourselves that it doesn't even matter anymore. Maybe we even undermine the depth of our sin.
Yet, this is so against the Gospel.
In the parable of the Alabastar Jar , Simon, the Pharisee, says this:
“If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.”
In fact, he is correct in saying that this woman is a sinner. It is because she is a sinner that she so desperately wants forgiveness from Jesus. But the problem isn't that the woman is a sinner. It's that Simon doesn't realize that he is just as wretched as that woman. He simply doesn't have confidence to confess his sins like the woman with the alabaster jar is doing.
And until we can bring forth our sin before Jesus, we can't receive grace. As Andy Bilhorn says, "Grace isn't call grace until sin is called sin."
So what did Chris do?
He told me about an experience he had at Manna. He was going through some troubles with sin that lets just say I have yet to encounter. And he confessed at Manna. It wasn't a confessional Manna, but he confessed to those who were there that day.
Public confession means that you completely acknowledge that you are a sinner. You are not trying to hide behind some Christian mask and make yourself look better than others (like the Pharisee was), but you acknowledge your place. Only then are we truly "Unashamed."
And the beauty of confession in public? It's a churches/fellowships way of displaying the Gospel. We don't snicker at others confessions, we don't spread rumors, we don't love them less. No, if anything we love them more for being so vulnerable. We embrace robbers, we embrace porn addicts, we embrace cheaters. We embrace you. Not because of what you've done, but because of WHO you are in Christ Jesus.
So to those who read, I confess that I am not the holy man you might think I am.
I confess that I've stolen many things. I confess that I've cheated on tests and projects. I confess I'm addicted to pornography and masturbation. I confess that I am a sexist and a racist. I confess that I am a sinner.
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
Friday, November 16, 2012
"invalidated"
This word is being passed around a lot recently. I don't want to undermine the meaning of it at all.
"Invalidating...
...my ability to lead"
...my faith"
...me as a student"
"Invalidating...
...my ability to lead"
...my faith"
...me as a student"
Thursday, November 15, 2012
homebound
Rarely am I homesick of college, but right now I really can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving.
The idea of being with family, without schoolwork seems so refreshing right now.
6 more days.
The idea of being with family, without schoolwork seems so refreshing right now.
6 more days.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
stress
why are systems classes so hard? (or why am i so dumb?)
i just throw time at these projects with no progress.
and this isn't even the hardest systems class. next qtr i'll have PL and Networking...
God, get me through this week.
Next week, thanksgiving @ home.
i just throw time at these projects with no progress.
and this isn't even the hardest systems class. next qtr i'll have PL and Networking...
God, get me through this week.
Next week, thanksgiving @ home.
Monday, November 12, 2012
in a hotel
Tonight, I sleep in the Palmer House Hilton in the Loop.
I was going to post (again) about my mind's most recent thoughts about this whole gospel talk within AAIV, but I release it from my mind tonight. Being alone in a hotel (or being on my own in general) is quite foreign to me.
I walked out of the Hotel onto Monroe/State with high expectations of I don't even know what. Sight-seeing, I guess? On a Sunday night, where everything is closed.
I walked North one block and realized I didn't feel safe, and walked one block south to return. Went back to my room, realized I forgot contact case/solution, so I walked back out to the 24/7 7-11 store. Witnessed a homeless black man yell at the Indian employee to "go back to his country." Indian employee called the police immediately after the black man made some threats, and the black man left. He apologized to me (for witnessing this in his store, I suppose), and I told him, that there was no need, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. Walked back to hotel, realized I forgot my room card in my room, asked the British-accented black front-desk man, and he kindly conjured a new room card for me.
It sounds like an eventful night, but...not really. It's too quiet in this hotel room. This bed is foreign to me, and the 40' TV screams, "Watch me!"
I have an interviews (or really, interviews) with Etherios tomorrow, so they kindly gave me a hotel for the night before. Quite honestly, I don't know much about the company, but this is quite a "2nd round interview" after only a phone interview, which I barely remember.
This only reminds me that my pending future of as a single, working adult will be much different than what I am used to.
In other news, this weekend was filled with interesting events. I'm glad college challenges me in more ways than I'd like to be challenged.
Pastor Peter spoke on Luke 6 @ Focus on how suffering is when our idols die.
So much on my mind, but I am too lazy to write. I think I'll try to catch a sunrise tomorrow morning. I'm pretty good at waking up early when I sleep in a foreign bed.
1am to 5:30am sleep? We shall see...
I was going to post (again) about my mind's most recent thoughts about this whole gospel talk within AAIV, but I release it from my mind tonight. Being alone in a hotel (or being on my own in general) is quite foreign to me.
I walked out of the Hotel onto Monroe/State with high expectations of I don't even know what. Sight-seeing, I guess? On a Sunday night, where everything is closed.
I walked North one block and realized I didn't feel safe, and walked one block south to return. Went back to my room, realized I forgot contact case/solution, so I walked back out to the 24/7 7-11 store. Witnessed a homeless black man yell at the Indian employee to "go back to his country." Indian employee called the police immediately after the black man made some threats, and the black man left. He apologized to me (for witnessing this in his store, I suppose), and I told him, that there was no need, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. Walked back to hotel, realized I forgot my room card in my room, asked the British-accented black front-desk man, and he kindly conjured a new room card for me.
It sounds like an eventful night, but...not really. It's too quiet in this hotel room. This bed is foreign to me, and the 40' TV screams, "Watch me!"
I have an interviews (or really, interviews) with Etherios tomorrow, so they kindly gave me a hotel for the night before. Quite honestly, I don't know much about the company, but this is quite a "2nd round interview" after only a phone interview, which I barely remember.
This only reminds me that my pending future of as a single, working adult will be much different than what I am used to.
In other news, this weekend was filled with interesting events. I'm glad college challenges me in more ways than I'd like to be challenged.
Pastor Peter spoke on Luke 6 @ Focus on how suffering is when our idols die.
So much on my mind, but I am too lazy to write. I think I'll try to catch a sunrise tomorrow morning. I'm pretty good at waking up early when I sleep in a foreign bed.
1am to 5:30am sleep? We shall see...
Friday, November 9, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
got a part-time offer at RECSOLU with option of summer internship.
They are a startup in Chicago.
Debating whether to take classes and work now.
But this is my first job offer since AstraZeneca...
They are a startup in Chicago.
Debating whether to take classes and work now.
But this is my first job offer since AstraZeneca...
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
le interviews
Both Bernard and I's alarms didn't go off this morning. I ended up waking up at 7:10 for my interview in Chicago at 9am.
Dressed and ran the longest mile of my life to the Davis L station and caught the Purple Line Express. Got to the building with 5 minutes to spare.
Interview lasted 6 hours...went okay. I think I did well enough to say I didn't bomb it, but we'll see on results.
Got out at 3, waited til 3:25 for Purple Express to go back up for interview on campus at 4:30...got there at 4:25. That interview went...not the greatest.
But not going to lie, it seems boring. Well I don't know about IMC, but Wolverine just didn't seem the most appealing. Super high pay though. Sigh. We shall see.
Dressed and ran the longest mile of my life to the Davis L station and caught the Purple Line Express. Got to the building with 5 minutes to spare.
Interview lasted 6 hours...went okay. I think I did well enough to say I didn't bomb it, but we'll see on results.
Got out at 3, waited til 3:25 for Purple Express to go back up for interview on campus at 4:30...got there at 4:25. That interview went...not the greatest.
But not going to lie, it seems boring. Well I don't know about IMC, but Wolverine just didn't seem the most appealing. Super high pay though. Sigh. We shall see.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
hurricane sandy
Okay, maybe a bit too much rest for me today. Not sure if I trust in God that much for my interviews or just being lazy. Most definitely the latter.
Work and rest. Need to find balance.
Work and rest. Need to find balance.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
sabbath rest
I go back to New Community because it challenges me. I hate the awkward "greeting your neighbors" every week, but at the same time I know it's good for me. I guess that's how one of the ways you connect with people in church when you don't go to college anymore. IT forces me to know my place, that I am in a place of ease, where many responsibilities and duties are hidden from me or made easy for me.
In addition to this though, Pastor Peter always challenges the congregation (and himself). Today he spoke about Sabbath rest.
Deut 5:15
Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day.
God told the Israelites to observe the Sabbath, not to force upon this day onto them, but to remind them that they CAN rest. When they were slaves, they could not rest when they wanted to, but now God gives them a Sabbath day to remind that they are no longer slaves to anything. That they are free to rest.
Not applicable, I'm not a slave right?
Then why don't I rest on the Sabbath. Why do I feel so inclined to work, when I am called to rest? It's because I'm a slave. A self-induced slave, but a slave nonetheless. A slave to my parent's expectations, a slave to my personal glory, slave to money and feeling of worth attaining a job/internship. I'm a slave.
I'm a slave who doesn't trust. If I believed God were in control and had a plan for me, then I wouldn't feel so worried and so burdened by these upcoming interviews.
Sabbath rest...it's really about who you trust in.
In addition to this though, Pastor Peter always challenges the congregation (and himself). Today he spoke about Sabbath rest.
Deut 5:15
Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day.
God told the Israelites to observe the Sabbath, not to force upon this day onto them, but to remind them that they CAN rest. When they were slaves, they could not rest when they wanted to, but now God gives them a Sabbath day to remind that they are no longer slaves to anything. That they are free to rest.
Not applicable, I'm not a slave right?
Then why don't I rest on the Sabbath. Why do I feel so inclined to work, when I am called to rest? It's because I'm a slave. A self-induced slave, but a slave nonetheless. A slave to my parent's expectations, a slave to my personal glory, slave to money and feeling of worth attaining a job/internship. I'm a slave.
I'm a slave who doesn't trust. If I believed God were in control and had a plan for me, then I wouldn't feel so worried and so burdened by these upcoming interviews.
Sabbath rest...it's really about who you trust in.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
watched departed for the first time today
Worship tonight was logistically perfect. Came in at the right places, cut out at the right places.
But for me, it felt empty.
But for me, it felt empty.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
the most beautiful shades of orange..
Some updates.
Had a mental breakdown on the 'L' yesterday while onroute to my Backstop interview. So much of me is invested in attaining a job of some sort, too much of me. With an hour and half to think and process everything, it became even scarier when I realized I had banked so much on this part of me...and this part of me was failing miserably.
My resume looks good enough to land an interview, which is a good change from the past year, but I still can't seem to get past interviews. I've essentially gone 0 for 6? I've gotten past 1st round, then failed on second for some.
But my identity lies in me being a Son of God and not me having the ability to attain a well-paying computer science job. Maybe it's a lesson better learned now than after I get a job/internship. The entire time on the L I was just praying. Strange that times when I feel the most desperate and hopeless, those are the times I feel the closest to God.
I did better than I expected in the interview, proud of what I did. But the next day, I got a rejection email.
Nevertheless, I do need to study cs more.
--
Men's Den. It has been great getting to know the guys on a "getting comfortable around each other" level. I can no longer say I am not in the AAIV clique. Whether I like it or not, I live around 10 AAIV junior guys that are all pretty active within AAIV...I am in this group.
It's good in the sense that I did want to get to know the guys living here better, but it's bad in the sense that it hasn't served a place for others of our class to get to know each other. Paul's commuting. Benison lives offcampus. Jihoon lives far away. Just multiple things. I don't want to add to clique building...
Should plan more class events.
--
Family Group. It seems like it's going well. I should talk to more freshmen in Elder, but my members themselves seem to be getting along. I definitely have a completely different perspective from last year, but I can see that the result of my family group is...not from me. I can't make people excited or how they react to passage or my explanations.
--
Friends.
I suck at friendships. Having a heart for many people makes you a terrible friend. I'm sorry Crystal, Yuri.
I still haven't figured out this work, social life, academic life balance.
--
Strong desires for girls/gf arising in me and I hate it...just not the time.
--
My sections get shorter and shorter as I become lazier to write.
Had a mental breakdown on the 'L' yesterday while onroute to my Backstop interview. So much of me is invested in attaining a job of some sort, too much of me. With an hour and half to think and process everything, it became even scarier when I realized I had banked so much on this part of me...and this part of me was failing miserably.
My resume looks good enough to land an interview, which is a good change from the past year, but I still can't seem to get past interviews. I've essentially gone 0 for 6? I've gotten past 1st round, then failed on second for some.
But my identity lies in me being a Son of God and not me having the ability to attain a well-paying computer science job. Maybe it's a lesson better learned now than after I get a job/internship. The entire time on the L I was just praying. Strange that times when I feel the most desperate and hopeless, those are the times I feel the closest to God.
I did better than I expected in the interview, proud of what I did. But the next day, I got a rejection email.
Nevertheless, I do need to study cs more.
--
Men's Den. It has been great getting to know the guys on a "getting comfortable around each other" level. I can no longer say I am not in the AAIV clique. Whether I like it or not, I live around 10 AAIV junior guys that are all pretty active within AAIV...I am in this group.
It's good in the sense that I did want to get to know the guys living here better, but it's bad in the sense that it hasn't served a place for others of our class to get to know each other. Paul's commuting. Benison lives offcampus. Jihoon lives far away. Just multiple things. I don't want to add to clique building...
Should plan more class events.
--
Family Group. It seems like it's going well. I should talk to more freshmen in Elder, but my members themselves seem to be getting along. I definitely have a completely different perspective from last year, but I can see that the result of my family group is...not from me. I can't make people excited or how they react to passage or my explanations.
--
Friends.
I suck at friendships. Having a heart for many people makes you a terrible friend. I'm sorry Crystal, Yuri.
I still haven't figured out this work, social life, academic life balance.
--
Strong desires for girls/gf arising in me and I hate it...just not the time.
--
My sections get shorter and shorter as I become lazier to write.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
autumn colors are fading
new person at family group today, always encouraging.
teach me to be more like mary, God...
is it weird i had better conversations with people during summer?
seems like the summer daze of boredom brings forth more questions about existence and life than being stuck with a gcal-led college life.
now i have more convos....but less.
teach me to be more like mary, God...
is it weird i had better conversations with people during summer?
seems like the summer daze of boredom brings forth more questions about existence and life than being stuck with a gcal-led college life.
now i have more convos....but less.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
hated that people ignored basil at chinatown trip because he was a junior.
Taiwan beating Korea in LoL sort of brings out the worst in people in terms. I honestly can't say I rooted for taiwan from the beginning (even though I'm Taiwanese), I just didn't want a team that cheated to win...and I'm Taiwanese, so that was a plus.
I hate asian issues. Sigh, I won't say anymore.
Taiwan beating Korea in LoL sort of brings out the worst in people in terms. I honestly can't say I rooted for taiwan from the beginning (even though I'm Taiwanese), I just didn't want a team that cheated to win...and I'm Taiwanese, so that was a plus.
I hate asian issues. Sigh, I won't say anymore.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
core thursday
I'm starting to miss the seniors. I miss big sisters.
Failed my 310 exam today. Like legitimately, failed.
Didn't realized I asked a friend to cancel a meal..when it was her birthday. Dat feel...need to desperately make up for that.
Got a meal to catchup with Sally today. It's so clear to me that life's not about money when people ask me, "so what's there to do in ______."
There's nothing to do anywhere. Let's get that straight. You eat, you can go to clubs, and then here are various money-spending activities that you would never do on a normal basis, just for fun. Example, jetskiing, going on top of _____ tower.
You do hobbies normally, but more importantly, you talk to people.
So sad to see people working so hard for something they're not sure is worth it.
Life is getting busier.
Failed my 310 exam today. Like legitimately, failed.
Didn't realized I asked a friend to cancel a meal..when it was her birthday. Dat feel...need to desperately make up for that.
Got a meal to catchup with Sally today. It's so clear to me that life's not about money when people ask me, "so what's there to do in ______."
There's nothing to do anywhere. Let's get that straight. You eat, you can go to clubs, and then here are various money-spending activities that you would never do on a normal basis, just for fun. Example, jetskiing, going on top of _____ tower.
You do hobbies normally, but more importantly, you talk to people.
So sad to see people working so hard for something they're not sure is worth it.
Life is getting busier.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
interviews
weird day.
bad: job i thought i would get easily, didn't get.
good: advanced to second round of interviews to job i never thought i'd get?
ran 2 miles
bad: job i thought i would get easily, didn't get.
good: advanced to second round of interviews to job i never thought i'd get?
ran 2 miles
backstop interview in 2 hrs
Have we lost sight of what is good?
Pastor Peter this Sunday said when you ask Christians in America if they're excited to for Jesus to come back,t he response is lackadaisical.
"I kind of want to get married first..."
Yet in poor and suffering countries, the people there take the gospel as SUCH good news, and look longingly towards the day of His return. "TODAY, Jesus...TODAY!" they say.
My parents combined salary is over six figures, I am in the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world. And I keep wanting to get higher and higher, maybe the top 0.1% will satisfy me. Maybe.
But what is wealth when death comes along? What is wealth when questions of existence comes?
Saw a paralytic (a student, I suppose) getting fed in Sargent dining hall by his helper. Int hat moment, I thought...how blessed am I to be able to just sit here and eat independently.
I have lost sight of what is good.
Pastor Peter this Sunday said when you ask Christians in America if they're excited to for Jesus to come back,t he response is lackadaisical.
"I kind of want to get married first..."
Yet in poor and suffering countries, the people there take the gospel as SUCH good news, and look longingly towards the day of His return. "TODAY, Jesus...TODAY!" they say.
My parents combined salary is over six figures, I am in the top 1% of the wealthiest people in the world. And I keep wanting to get higher and higher, maybe the top 0.1% will satisfy me. Maybe.
But what is wealth when death comes along? What is wealth when questions of existence comes?
Saw a paralytic (a student, I suppose) getting fed in Sargent dining hall by his helper. Int hat moment, I thought...how blessed am I to be able to just sit here and eat independently.
I have lost sight of what is good.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
autumn is beautiful
Ate with James today at Dixie Kitchen. It's nice to know that I can still talk to him and things are still good even when him and I live in completely different environments, interact with different people.
On my way back, I saw lights in the sky, so I started walking towards South Beach because I was curious. It looked like Japanese Sky Lanterns, but I wasn't sure.
Turns out it was. I asked someone what it was for, and they said it was for a memorial for a child.
A passerby elderly woman whispered to me, "This is great, isn't it..." It was great. It was beautiful. The lights quickly rose to the sky and disappeared above the clouds in astounding quickness. To see something so simple seem to have so much freedom, simply being pushed by the wind, toward Lake Michigan.
Night, water, and fire. Gives me those nice feels.
Came back, had a good talk with Eric and Nick. About Greek life, about Nick's weight transformation and how people treated him different afterward.
Didn't get any work done.
On my way back, I saw lights in the sky, so I started walking towards South Beach because I was curious. It looked like Japanese Sky Lanterns, but I wasn't sure.
Turns out it was. I asked someone what it was for, and they said it was for a memorial for a child.
A passerby elderly woman whispered to me, "This is great, isn't it..." It was great. It was beautiful. The lights quickly rose to the sky and disappeared above the clouds in astounding quickness. To see something so simple seem to have so much freedom, simply being pushed by the wind, toward Lake Michigan.
Night, water, and fire. Gives me those nice feels.
Came back, had a good talk with Eric and Nick. About Greek life, about Nick's weight transformation and how people treated him different afterward.
Didn't get any work done.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
vball 9am tmrw?
i don't like meals because they feel forced. i much prefer good conversations that come up casually, but i think the ability to "catch up" with someone is essential..
tonight....more than i deserve.
tonight....more than i deserve.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
interview at 10
morning run, 2.2 miles, brisk morning weather
been consistently eating breakfast ever since I switched to unlimited meal plan, something I've never done ever since my mom forced me to eat eggs before I went to school in middle school.
Also, my google time is off. So all my emails are timed 2 hours off. :[
been consistently eating breakfast ever since I switched to unlimited meal plan, something I've never done ever since my mom forced me to eat eggs before I went to school in middle school.
Also, my google time is off. So all my emails are timed 2 hours off. :[
morning yearning
I haven't run since Saturday(?)
This week flew by.
I have an interview tomorrow morning, and two on Friday for part-time jobs at NU.
Had a good meal with Joy today, but still felt that christian/nonchristian disconnect.
Amanda whispered to me about a freshman, "She doesn't want to join. She's not Christian." For some reason, I was so instantly saddened by this.
I wish I could tell them...but AAIV isn't just another social group. We're more than that!
Yet maybe TASC has a better upperclassmen retention rate than we do. It was interesting to hear Amanda talk about how TASC's upperclassmen retention rate is better than CSA's. I've only heard that type of thing with AAIV.
Maybe AAIV would be more effective as two fellowships because smaller fellowships have a tighter community?
But I don't want that. I dont want a ChineseIV and a KoreanIV. Shouldn't relationships between Christians transcend above size?
I'm friends with so many Christians, I forget how to act around nonchristians. I almost want to observe, as creepy as this sounds, nonchristian relationships.
Be strong and courageous, for it is the Lord that goes with you.
This week flew by.
I have an interview tomorrow morning, and two on Friday for part-time jobs at NU.
Had a good meal with Joy today, but still felt that christian/nonchristian disconnect.
Amanda whispered to me about a freshman, "She doesn't want to join. She's not Christian." For some reason, I was so instantly saddened by this.
I wish I could tell them...but AAIV isn't just another social group. We're more than that!
Yet maybe TASC has a better upperclassmen retention rate than we do. It was interesting to hear Amanda talk about how TASC's upperclassmen retention rate is better than CSA's. I've only heard that type of thing with AAIV.
Maybe AAIV would be more effective as two fellowships because smaller fellowships have a tighter community?
But I don't want that. I dont want a ChineseIV and a KoreanIV. Shouldn't relationships between Christians transcend above size?
I'm friends with so many Christians, I forget how to act around nonchristians. I almost want to observe, as creepy as this sounds, nonchristian relationships.
Be strong and courageous, for it is the Lord that goes with you.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
i hate career fairs
The christian life is suppose to be a life in victory, a life already won, a salvation already achieved.
But I still worry so much, I still have so much stake held in my major. I'm a CS major so you'd assume that in 2-3 years, I'll have a job in software development, and I'd assume so too.
But that actually happening...that path isn't clear. Career fairs are so scary, just realizing how inadequate I am as a programmer. If I know it, then the recruiters definitely know.
But pastor peter says its now about the job, it's about how you do it.
I'm a student now...I guess I'll start there.
But I still worry so much, I still have so much stake held in my major. I'm a CS major so you'd assume that in 2-3 years, I'll have a job in software development, and I'd assume so too.
But that actually happening...that path isn't clear. Career fairs are so scary, just realizing how inadequate I am as a programmer. If I know it, then the recruiters definitely know.
But pastor peter says its now about the job, it's about how you do it.
I'm a student now...I guess I'll start there.
Monday, October 1, 2012
this will be a hard academic year...
Sometimes I'm in a ridiculous mood, and I'm just so down to socialize, meet new people, joke around, etc...
Then somehow AAIV picnic hit, and suddenly that side of me has turned off. Now my voice is just deep and serious.
I must be bipolar or something...
I apologize to my friends..
Then somehow AAIV picnic hit, and suddenly that side of me has turned off. Now my voice is just deep and serious.
I must be bipolar or something...
I apologize to my friends..
Sunday, September 30, 2012
computer is lagging, desperately needs reboot or something
Good conversation with KH on Friday. It's a shame that so many people feel out of the loop. When I think of AAIV freshmen, I think of certain faces, specific faces. I think to myself...I did well. I helped these people get acquainted in college....and I did. But I can't measure myself by that statistic, because when you go to AAIV on a friday night, you realize so many faces that are also of that class, that yearn to be a part of something larger, but feel trapped.
I don't know how to describe it.
AAIV shouldn't be the goal. Should it? Of course I don't claim that AAIV cares more about the it's own community than it's members actual relationship with God. Some may think that, but I don't.
But community is so important. The Christian path is not one meant to be taken alone. But what does a 200 person community look like?
Or a 200,000 person community?
I don't know.
Ran into JL @ Sargent...always interesting to run into old friends. I seem quick to forget..
Looper was a really good movie.
How will small group be this year? Before it has even begun, I already see myself too lazy or not having enough time to think through all the things I wanted to.
Early wake up tomorrow.
I don't know how to describe it.
AAIV shouldn't be the goal. Should it? Of course I don't claim that AAIV cares more about the it's own community than it's members actual relationship with God. Some may think that, but I don't.
But community is so important. The Christian path is not one meant to be taken alone. But what does a 200 person community look like?
Or a 200,000 person community?
I don't know.
Ran into JL @ Sargent...always interesting to run into old friends. I seem quick to forget..
Looper was a really good movie.
How will small group be this year? Before it has even begun, I already see myself too lazy or not having enough time to think through all the things I wanted to.
Early wake up tomorrow.
Friday, September 28, 2012
need to figure out a ridiculous ice breaker
9am class tomorrow, so I'll keep this short.
This reminds me how fragile life is. I cannot imagine what it is like for a parent to see the police looking for your child in the lake.
Had conversations with floormates about China's lawlessness, ABC's struggles growing up, time spent on AAIV, and REM sleep cycles. Will be a good year, regardless whether to (dumb) Area Coordinator allows us to keep our TV in the lounge.
On unlimited meal plan now. Woke up 9. Ran 3 miles. Ate bacon and food. Went to class. Good way to start the day.
I surprise myself with how passionate I am about the AAIV community (and building it).
I am an extrovert in Evanston and an introvert in Wilmington. Maybe. I don't know what I am anymore.
My to do list is piling up. I need to finish my resume. And back to college meals. I should be grateful.
I need to start reading the bible regularly. No way can I keep up this lifestyle without knowing why I live it.
I need to stop worrying.
Sermon about how there was still WORK in the garden of eden. How people need work. Underwork is bad (feel like an idiot doing nothing), and overwork is bad (more to life than work). It's not about the job, it's about how you do the job.
I try to be extroverted because I see the need for extroverts in the world. From having smalltalk to the janitors and giving them someone to talk to for 2 minutes in the elevator to just breaking the awkward tension at a meet and greet.
Apparently I'm a cool kid now. I think I wanted that 2 years ago, but now...I don't know. I don't want it to get to my head. Keep me humble, God.
7 hours of sleep, here we go.
This reminds me how fragile life is. I cannot imagine what it is like for a parent to see the police looking for your child in the lake.
Had conversations with floormates about China's lawlessness, ABC's struggles growing up, time spent on AAIV, and REM sleep cycles. Will be a good year, regardless whether to (dumb) Area Coordinator allows us to keep our TV in the lounge.
On unlimited meal plan now. Woke up 9. Ran 3 miles. Ate bacon and food. Went to class. Good way to start the day.
I surprise myself with how passionate I am about the AAIV community (and building it).
I am an extrovert in Evanston and an introvert in Wilmington. Maybe. I don't know what I am anymore.
My to do list is piling up. I need to finish my resume. And back to college meals. I should be grateful.
I need to start reading the bible regularly. No way can I keep up this lifestyle without knowing why I live it.
I need to stop worrying.
Sermon about how there was still WORK in the garden of eden. How people need work. Underwork is bad (feel like an idiot doing nothing), and overwork is bad (more to life than work). It's not about the job, it's about how you do the job.
I try to be extroverted because I see the need for extroverts in the world. From having smalltalk to the janitors and giving them someone to talk to for 2 minutes in the elevator to just breaking the awkward tension at a meet and greet.
Apparently I'm a cool kid now. I think I wanted that 2 years ago, but now...I don't know. I don't want it to get to my head. Keep me humble, God.
7 hours of sleep, here we go.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
"do you guys all fuck?"
Well, that's one way AAIV is different I guess...
Living with some fraternity guys these few weeks has put me in some "interesting" conversations. Particularly about sex and girls.
Living with some fraternity guys these few weeks has put me in some "interesting" conversations. Particularly about sex and girls.
Monday, September 10, 2012
12:34
1. You are a son of God (your identity)
2. God knows what is best for you.
I used to wonder why the tree was called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. That didn't sound so bad, what's wrong with knowing more? Does God not want us to know these "bad" things? I thought without the knowledge of good and evil, it would make us oblivious children. People who don't truly know real life. I wouldn't describe these people as free.
But think about what Adam and Eve had. Imagine a life where you've never experienced guilt or shame, and where it's impossible to have those feelings. I think we get a tiny glimpse of it watching little innocence children fumble around. They don't have the "knowledge of good and evil," so maybe that does make them oblivious children.
But they are more free than they'll ever be for the rest of their lives. No shame in social hierarchy, appearances, financial needs, clothes...nothing.
Adam and Eve had no shame because their identity wasn't set in their actions or accomplishments, but simply as sons and daughters of God. Truly free.
--
Jeff's post about intellect being a factor in being shy makes me wonder. I recently asked a friend, "Why do you think almost everyone in our fellowship feels like a loner?" (Dramatic overstatement, I'm sure, but basically there seems to be no cliques in our fellowship. Which may seem to be a good thing, but at the same time--no thunder buddies.)
Is it because being Northwestern students, we're too smart for our own good? We calculate the risk to be truly share who we are--we calculate this risk to be too high. So instead we mask ourselves as someone who is socially acceptable.
2. God knows what is best for you.
I used to wonder why the tree was called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. That didn't sound so bad, what's wrong with knowing more? Does God not want us to know these "bad" things? I thought without the knowledge of good and evil, it would make us oblivious children. People who don't truly know real life. I wouldn't describe these people as free.
But think about what Adam and Eve had. Imagine a life where you've never experienced guilt or shame, and where it's impossible to have those feelings. I think we get a tiny glimpse of it watching little innocence children fumble around. They don't have the "knowledge of good and evil," so maybe that does make them oblivious children.
But they are more free than they'll ever be for the rest of their lives. No shame in social hierarchy, appearances, financial needs, clothes...nothing.
Adam and Eve had no shame because their identity wasn't set in their actions or accomplishments, but simply as sons and daughters of God. Truly free.
--
Jeff's post about intellect being a factor in being shy makes me wonder. I recently asked a friend, "Why do you think almost everyone in our fellowship feels like a loner?" (Dramatic overstatement, I'm sure, but basically there seems to be no cliques in our fellowship. Which may seem to be a good thing, but at the same time--no thunder buddies.)
Is it because being Northwestern students, we're too smart for our own good? We calculate the risk to be truly share who we are--we calculate this risk to be too high. So instead we mask ourselves as someone who is socially acceptable.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
And that’s all she wrote
warning: wrote this on the plane, and didn't finish because flight ended. i dunno what my train of thought was. posting now before i regret it...
----
Summer is over. Kinda. I still don’t have class for another month, but the summer as I’ve known it to be for the past 6 years is over. Everyone continued down their own path; we should consider ourselves quite lucky that our pathes even crossed at all.
(I will not write for others, I will not write for others.)
Summer was good. Great. I really didn’t expect too much from this summer,as I thought most people would be gone and most of the time would be sucked away by working/studying anyway. Working did take a lot of time, but yet again, studying never really pushed through. I need to work on self studying, sigh.
Good friends and new friends. We found many reasons to hangout just watching the olympics, even witnessed some amazing events (the amazing vault for one), went to the beach, Batman, KOP, New York City, meeting Jia’s friends, and more that I already forget.
For some reason you always forget the times you hung out, the specific things you did. I have to try really hard to recall what we exactly did in New York or even the conversations we had, yet I know it was really meaningful in some way. Like when two people who otherwise never would have met, become friends, suddenly you have another buddy in this lonely world, and the world seems a little brighter. A little better.
No matter how great your charisma or your looks, everyone needs a friend. Odd to think about, that even these extraodinary people, take Obama for instance, still need their buddies, still have similar struggles to us. From struggling to wake up in the morning to procrastinating during work, we are similar. Money can’t be your friend and neither can knowing the cultures of multiple countries from having traveled abroad. Who is more loved, a member of a violent gang or Donald Trump? To have friends who would put a bullet to the head of someone who was against you?
Who will fight harder, mercenaries or loyal patriots with a cause?
Up to this point, some might think the whole point of life is to have good friend who have your back. I thank Essence for bringing up a hard topic of really, how does God fit into all of this? I had a CS professor who told the class that he thought the purpose of life was the create your own purpose. If there is no God, I would agree with him. If there is no God, I think you should just pack your life with as many “good times” as possible, how to live those good times is up to one to decide, although I would argue it would invovle other people. I don’t know, maybe someone can find complete purpose just being alone.
But with a God? With Jesus? There’s a goal, there’s a challenge. People are the most important portions of this Earth because they are a reflection of God, because each and every person has a potential to attain the greatest achievement of salvation, regardless of gender, race, or group. OF what you choose to wear, or your social hierarchy or tax bracket. This means the poor and rich have the same purpose, the same yearnings. The same water will quench their thirst.
As creepy as it sounds, I think as you get older, people watching becomes more interesting. I admit that I did some people watching in NYC at a Starbucks as we waited for our friends to come downtown from the subway. A fashionable hipster walked into Starbucks with a sense of rush and purpose, his skinny jeans not able to hold back his stride. A tired woman drinks her coffee as she responds to her morning emails. They collide pathes for a few minutes, but they probably won’t even notice each other. 99% of the time, at least. But that 1% when two strangers meet and hit it off for the few minutes they way together in line? Somehow it’s beautiful. Because you realize that no matter who they were, where they were from, how different they were, people are similar. We struggle with the same things. Perhaps we’re just looking for another buddy in the world because this world is too scary. We drown out the noise with our music, we escape reality with scripted idealistic movies and/or tv shows.
But no one lives like that. One of the weirdest parts about meeting celebrities is seeing that they’re not these perfect creatures you thought them to be. I bet Lil Wayne gets a little excited when he drinks 9 bubbles in a row too.
What is this water? To be loved. To know that you are just not just a random happening that occupy the a 6’x3’3’ space on this Earth for 70 some years, then be buried 6’ feet under, and that’s it. Instead, I have the capability to love and be loved. In fact, I am loved.
I remember a friend saying how fantastic of a feeling it was to have his girlfriend (at the time) know him so well, all his past history, all his inequities, and still want to spend time with him, love him, etc. To be exposed, yet embraced. How many friends would I lose with I made my internet history public? If my thoughts could be seen. It’s amazing when you can share a vulnerable part of you, whether it be a girl you liked, a sexual experience, a drug experience, your sexual orientation, our family situation, your physical insecurities, and still treat them the same. That’s what makes the gospel so powerful. A God that loved you before and after all these things, who knows you completely and loves you completely.
Sometimes following God seems blind. Seems like I throw away logic and everything that science has proved. I’ve tried to tell my mom not to turn off her iPad but rather simply sleep it. Whenever I explain to her why, her mind just doesn’t accept my logic and reasoning, so I wait the 30 seconds everytime I need to use her iPad. At one point I just told her, if you don’t want to look like a ditz using this $500 advanced tool, then just listen to me. Trust me. I know how to use this. Why? Because I’ve read articles, because I’ve used Apple devices myself, because I’m surrounded by it. I live and breathe in this generation of Apple devices, I don’t know how I know, but I’m 100% confident.
I draw this parallel between my mom trusting in me and trusting in Jesus.
...
“I’m so happy right now,” she quietly whispered as she smiled sitting in a bustling restaurant at midnight.
----
Summer is over. Kinda. I still don’t have class for another month, but the summer as I’ve known it to be for the past 6 years is over. Everyone continued down their own path; we should consider ourselves quite lucky that our pathes even crossed at all.
(I will not write for others, I will not write for others.)
Summer was good. Great. I really didn’t expect too much from this summer,as I thought most people would be gone and most of the time would be sucked away by working/studying anyway. Working did take a lot of time, but yet again, studying never really pushed through. I need to work on self studying, sigh.
Good friends and new friends. We found many reasons to hangout just watching the olympics, even witnessed some amazing events (the amazing vault for one), went to the beach, Batman, KOP, New York City, meeting Jia’s friends, and more that I already forget.
For some reason you always forget the times you hung out, the specific things you did. I have to try really hard to recall what we exactly did in New York or even the conversations we had, yet I know it was really meaningful in some way. Like when two people who otherwise never would have met, become friends, suddenly you have another buddy in this lonely world, and the world seems a little brighter. A little better.
No matter how great your charisma or your looks, everyone needs a friend. Odd to think about, that even these extraodinary people, take Obama for instance, still need their buddies, still have similar struggles to us. From struggling to wake up in the morning to procrastinating during work, we are similar. Money can’t be your friend and neither can knowing the cultures of multiple countries from having traveled abroad. Who is more loved, a member of a violent gang or Donald Trump? To have friends who would put a bullet to the head of someone who was against you?
Who will fight harder, mercenaries or loyal patriots with a cause?
Up to this point, some might think the whole point of life is to have good friend who have your back. I thank Essence for bringing up a hard topic of really, how does God fit into all of this? I had a CS professor who told the class that he thought the purpose of life was the create your own purpose. If there is no God, I would agree with him. If there is no God, I think you should just pack your life with as many “good times” as possible, how to live those good times is up to one to decide, although I would argue it would invovle other people. I don’t know, maybe someone can find complete purpose just being alone.
But with a God? With Jesus? There’s a goal, there’s a challenge. People are the most important portions of this Earth because they are a reflection of God, because each and every person has a potential to attain the greatest achievement of salvation, regardless of gender, race, or group. OF what you choose to wear, or your social hierarchy or tax bracket. This means the poor and rich have the same purpose, the same yearnings. The same water will quench their thirst.
As creepy as it sounds, I think as you get older, people watching becomes more interesting. I admit that I did some people watching in NYC at a Starbucks as we waited for our friends to come downtown from the subway. A fashionable hipster walked into Starbucks with a sense of rush and purpose, his skinny jeans not able to hold back his stride. A tired woman drinks her coffee as she responds to her morning emails. They collide pathes for a few minutes, but they probably won’t even notice each other. 99% of the time, at least. But that 1% when two strangers meet and hit it off for the few minutes they way together in line? Somehow it’s beautiful. Because you realize that no matter who they were, where they were from, how different they were, people are similar. We struggle with the same things. Perhaps we’re just looking for another buddy in the world because this world is too scary. We drown out the noise with our music, we escape reality with scripted idealistic movies and/or tv shows.
But no one lives like that. One of the weirdest parts about meeting celebrities is seeing that they’re not these perfect creatures you thought them to be. I bet Lil Wayne gets a little excited when he drinks 9 bubbles in a row too.
What is this water? To be loved. To know that you are just not just a random happening that occupy the a 6’x3’3’ space on this Earth for 70 some years, then be buried 6’ feet under, and that’s it. Instead, I have the capability to love and be loved. In fact, I am loved.
I remember a friend saying how fantastic of a feeling it was to have his girlfriend (at the time) know him so well, all his past history, all his inequities, and still want to spend time with him, love him, etc. To be exposed, yet embraced. How many friends would I lose with I made my internet history public? If my thoughts could be seen. It’s amazing when you can share a vulnerable part of you, whether it be a girl you liked, a sexual experience, a drug experience, your sexual orientation, our family situation, your physical insecurities, and still treat them the same. That’s what makes the gospel so powerful. A God that loved you before and after all these things, who knows you completely and loves you completely.
Sometimes following God seems blind. Seems like I throw away logic and everything that science has proved. I’ve tried to tell my mom not to turn off her iPad but rather simply sleep it. Whenever I explain to her why, her mind just doesn’t accept my logic and reasoning, so I wait the 30 seconds everytime I need to use her iPad. At one point I just told her, if you don’t want to look like a ditz using this $500 advanced tool, then just listen to me. Trust me. I know how to use this. Why? Because I’ve read articles, because I’ve used Apple devices myself, because I’m surrounded by it. I live and breathe in this generation of Apple devices, I don’t know how I know, but I’m 100% confident.
I draw this parallel between my mom trusting in me and trusting in Jesus.
...
“I’m so happy right now,” she quietly whispered as she smiled sitting in a bustling restaurant at midnight.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
grateful
My internship is finally coming to an end. Even after all the grumbling about my boss and internship, on and off this blog, I should be grateful for the chance and opportunity he's given me.
I went on Northwestern's career/internship posting website and started looking at postings (they come out this early!). I still have things to learn and projects to do, but it is definitely encouraging to see things like "Experience in C#," ".NET Framework experience," "XAML experienced preferred." All of which I've had the pleasure to tackle this summer, and more.
I might actually be able to get an internship this upcoming year...
I went on Northwestern's career/internship posting website and started looking at postings (they come out this early!). I still have things to learn and projects to do, but it is definitely encouraging to see things like "Experience in C#," ".NET Framework experience," "XAML experienced preferred." All of which I've had the pleasure to tackle this summer, and more.
I might actually be able to get an internship this upcoming year...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
the newsroom
I just spent the better part of the past hour looking at reviews for the Aaron Sorkins new TV Series, the Newsroom. I was hooked onto the series after HBO freely released their pilot episode on Youtube, and have been watching week by week ever since.
I can't help but notice the disparity in ratings between critic and user reviews.
The attacks don't seem to be able the show's actual message, "speaking truth to stupid," but just attacks on characters, saying the women are too stereotypical. Real newsrooms don't have these glory speeches. Basically, that it's bad television and will die quickly.
Yet, it thrives. The most recent episode is 6th most seeded in the TV shows category for PirateBay.
I'm just confused. I think that someone who had the passion to go into the field of journalism would be thrilled behind the idea of covering actually significant stories rather than focusing in on stories that simply gather a lot of hype (see Casey Anthony). Yet these journalists tear the show apart.
Except Dan Rather praised the show.
I can't help but notice the disparity in ratings between critic and user reviews.
The attacks don't seem to be able the show's actual message, "speaking truth to stupid," but just attacks on characters, saying the women are too stereotypical. Real newsrooms don't have these glory speeches. Basically, that it's bad television and will die quickly.
Yet, it thrives. The most recent episode is 6th most seeded in the TV shows category for PirateBay.
I'm just confused. I think that someone who had the passion to go into the field of journalism would be thrilled behind the idea of covering actually significant stories rather than focusing in on stories that simply gather a lot of hype (see Casey Anthony). Yet these journalists tear the show apart.
Except Dan Rather praised the show.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
dat feel
As summer is coming to an end, I don't feel prepared to go back to school, but at the same time, there is this feeling that it is time to move on. This summer was great, but we've had our run and our abundant share of good times. From loving longboarding to being bored of it, craving LoL to hating it, roaming around philly or just chilling at Essence's, this summer has been chaulk-full of experiences and is coming to an end.
I don't feel ready at all to start classes, but luckily there will be significant buffer between being at Northwestern campus and actually starting classes, so I think that will help. Seemingly out-of-the-blue "challenging conversations" remind me it's okay to feel apprehensive about leading a small group, to reaching out to non-Christians. It is God who goes with us and will do as He pleases, regardless of the skill of the leader.
I suppose I'm thankful for feelings like this. I guess they help me not be homesick at college, or collegesick at home.
I don't feel ready at all to start classes, but luckily there will be significant buffer between being at Northwestern campus and actually starting classes, so I think that will help. Seemingly out-of-the-blue "challenging conversations" remind me it's okay to feel apprehensive about leading a small group, to reaching out to non-Christians. It is God who goes with us and will do as He pleases, regardless of the skill of the leader.
I suppose I'm thankful for feelings like this. I guess they help me not be homesick at college, or collegesick at home.
the lakefill
During church, our college group discussed that after Jesus heard of John the Baptist's death, he went to the lake for some personal time. We started talking about places that would give us that peace, solace, and space and somehow everyone named places near water. The beach, Sandy Cove...and I didn't name it, but my mind was screaming the Lakefill at Northwestern.
What is it about water that gives us solace, peace and serenity...
What is it about water that gives us solace, peace and serenity...
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
lazy
I'm starting to think sometimes I mix up my "introverted" side with just being plain lazy. Too lazy to shake a new person's hand or scared to hit a less shallow topic.
It seemed so much easier post-focus for some reason, because somehow I felt some power in that place. When at WCEC with people who are older than me, it just seems...harder? Beginning questions like "What dorm, state your from, major..." can't be used. I feel like I have no responsibility for taking care of older people, especially those out of college, yet they say people get lonelier as they grow older. If anything, there should be a greater push.
I also am starting to think that I can't really blame my boss for this cruddy internship. At least I can't entirely blame him; when I've given a task, I'm terribly inefficient. I was given a challenging task today, and I quickly just went for a brute-force method rather than think out of efficient and DRY code method. I don't even think my method worked.
Engineers find solutions to seemingly impossible problems, that's why people hire engineers. Where is that kid that would spent 8 hours on his calculus homework just to know how to do every single integral? The problems have become harder, oh so much harder. But my effort has seemingly hasn't increased...if anything, it looks as if it decreased.
I really should just quit the internship, start studying for interviews and do personal projects.
It seemed so much easier post-focus for some reason, because somehow I felt some power in that place. When at WCEC with people who are older than me, it just seems...harder? Beginning questions like "What dorm, state your from, major..." can't be used. I feel like I have no responsibility for taking care of older people, especially those out of college, yet they say people get lonelier as they grow older. If anything, there should be a greater push.
I also am starting to think that I can't really blame my boss for this cruddy internship. At least I can't entirely blame him; when I've given a task, I'm terribly inefficient. I was given a challenging task today, and I quickly just went for a brute-force method rather than think out of efficient and DRY code method. I don't even think my method worked.
Engineers find solutions to seemingly impossible problems, that's why people hire engineers. Where is that kid that would spent 8 hours on his calculus homework just to know how to do every single integral? The problems have become harder, oh so much harder. But my effort has seemingly hasn't increased...if anything, it looks as if it decreased.
I really should just quit the internship, start studying for interviews and do personal projects.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
quiet friday
So I didn't go to work today because I had an eye doctor's appointment in the morning, where I had my eyes dilated and left me blinded from light for many hours. Didn't really do much with the time; Dad taught me some Java, and I took a nap before volleyball. Then through volleyball, and woke up and thought it was too late to go.
Dunno what to do on the internet anymore and didn't feel like playing LoL, so I decided to look up a tutorial on Jack Johnson's "No Other Way." Got farther than I think I would, although I don't know how I'll be able to sing and pluck at the same time.
Sometimes I feel I'm not fair to my Northwestern friends. I tell myself I don't know them as well as I really do. I think it's just because of the sheer number of people I've encountered. I wouldn't consider my popular in the least bit, but oddly enough, there's been a good amount of people who I've been blessed to get to know this year. There was a point where I'd easily share my fair share of freshmen sorrow stories and female fairytales, just to be more vulnerable to get to know someone better. And experiences we've had together throughout the year, even if only within the 9 months, I swear time spent in college is at least 2x the time spent out of college.
Why?
Maybe this ties in with what I've been thinking of also. "What is there to do?" Luckily there are the olympics this summer, or else I'd be bum out of ideas. Really, everyone just wants to sit and talk. Get to know each other more, share stories, laugh. But there has always got to be a venue, and there seems to be so many options in college. Grabbing meals, getting boba, bk late night (wow food-oriented social life...), "studying", sunrises, staying up late, yes even LoL...
At home, so far it just seems like LoL and olympics. Beach was pretty fun, but it's not an everyday thing. Damnit, wish I could just room with these guys one summer.
Dunno what to do on the internet anymore and didn't feel like playing LoL, so I decided to look up a tutorial on Jack Johnson's "No Other Way." Got farther than I think I would, although I don't know how I'll be able to sing and pluck at the same time.
Sometimes I feel I'm not fair to my Northwestern friends. I tell myself I don't know them as well as I really do. I think it's just because of the sheer number of people I've encountered. I wouldn't consider my popular in the least bit, but oddly enough, there's been a good amount of people who I've been blessed to get to know this year. There was a point where I'd easily share my fair share of freshmen sorrow stories and female fairytales, just to be more vulnerable to get to know someone better. And experiences we've had together throughout the year, even if only within the 9 months, I swear time spent in college is at least 2x the time spent out of college.
Why?
Maybe this ties in with what I've been thinking of also. "What is there to do?" Luckily there are the olympics this summer, or else I'd be bum out of ideas. Really, everyone just wants to sit and talk. Get to know each other more, share stories, laugh. But there has always got to be a venue, and there seems to be so many options in college. Grabbing meals, getting boba, bk late night (wow food-oriented social life...), "studying", sunrises, staying up late, yes even LoL...
At home, so far it just seems like LoL and olympics. Beach was pretty fun, but it's not an everyday thing. Damnit, wish I could just room with these guys one summer.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
49 days
49 days until I leave for college again. I don't think I'm ready for it. As much as I miss college and the people, I find myself in a routine that seems...comfortable. I lose track of days pretty much every week now. Thought it was Tuesday today, turns out its Wednesday. Not ready for freshmen outreach, studying hard, meeting new people, doing crazy stuff.
I remember on the cedar van, I plopped myself between 2 people I barely knew and just started yapping, saying the dumbest and silly things, but somehow that made people feel comfortable. Same thing happened during Cedar small groups and teams. Somehow I became some extremely extroverted kid.
Maybe that time has passed, maybe that was sophomore year. I guess I can't say. I remember feeling very iffy about sophomore year over the summer last year.
I just feel unprepared, for everything that I think is to come. But that's okay.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Gotta start writing more on AAIV stuff, from freshmen outreach to upperclassmen inclusion to family group leading to Men's Den.
I remember on the cedar van, I plopped myself between 2 people I barely knew and just started yapping, saying the dumbest and silly things, but somehow that made people feel comfortable. Same thing happened during Cedar small groups and teams. Somehow I became some extremely extroverted kid.
Maybe that time has passed, maybe that was sophomore year. I guess I can't say. I remember feeling very iffy about sophomore year over the summer last year.
I just feel unprepared, for everything that I think is to come. But that's okay.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Gotta start writing more on AAIV stuff, from freshmen outreach to upperclassmen inclusion to family group leading to Men's Den.
the asian niche
Maybe it's the recent article that I read, or remaining thoughts from the AsianNUProject or even just my day-to-day activities at my internship that keep my mind at this thought.
So many Asians seem to hit this...social niche. Family income in between 100-250K. Live in a city suburb. Either one or both parents are doctors, scientists, or engineers. And oddly enough, mostly church goers too. Stable income, good morals - respectable citizens. The Asian niche.
On one hand, I want to be safe and say, "And not that there's anything wrong with that." But really, I can't say that with a straight face.
At work, I really want to just give the business to my boss. Not in a demeaning manor, but quite simply, a fair and necessary task. Man to man, saying "You didn't hold your end of the deal." But then I think, I shouldn't "give in." I should stay patient and wait for the better days, the better opportunity. I need this guy to like me for future recommendation letters.
So, what's going to win inside of me? My courage/anger or my patience/fear? Fear to speak up, to take a stance? I think certainly my patience/fear will win, just because it is the passive option.
So many Asians seem to hit this...social niche. Family income in between 100-250K. Live in a city suburb. Either one or both parents are doctors, scientists, or engineers. And oddly enough, mostly church goers too. Stable income, good morals - respectable citizens. The Asian niche.
On one hand, I want to be safe and say, "And not that there's anything wrong with that." But really, I can't say that with a straight face.
At work, I really want to just give the business to my boss. Not in a demeaning manor, but quite simply, a fair and necessary task. Man to man, saying "You didn't hold your end of the deal." But then I think, I shouldn't "give in." I should stay patient and wait for the better days, the better opportunity. I need this guy to like me for future recommendation letters.
So, what's going to win inside of me? My courage/anger or my patience/fear? Fear to speak up, to take a stance? I think certainly my patience/fear will win, just because it is the passive option.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
sigh
This computer software "training" internship is turning into a do-whatever-the-hell-i-tell-you internship.
In fact, it seems like he's afraid to give me his source code to look at, like I'm going to steal it or something. Now it just seems like he's giving me random stuff as long as it's not coding.
So instead, I'm sticking labels on machines, adding watermarks to his videos, making usb cables, editting his powerpoints, and now he just came up with another bullshit task to change his powerpoints to pdfs, except he wants to embed the videos in the pdfs. Now I pretty much try to keep myself busy to avoid these tasks by practicing coding myself.
Sigh. It's time to man up and talk to this man.
In fact, it seems like he's afraid to give me his source code to look at, like I'm going to steal it or something. Now it just seems like he's giving me random stuff as long as it's not coding.
So instead, I'm sticking labels on machines, adding watermarks to his videos, making usb cables, editting his powerpoints, and now he just came up with another bullshit task to change his powerpoints to pdfs, except he wants to embed the videos in the pdfs. Now I pretty much try to keep myself busy to avoid these tasks by practicing coding myself.
Sigh. It's time to man up and talk to this man.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
two
1. What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I can't say I've learned much from my internship, if anything at all. I don't think it's my employers thought, but at the same time, I don't think it's mine. I did spend a lot of time trying to learn the material, but it was just simply too far above my level, and I can't expect others to take time out of their jobs to teach me everything. This was suppose to be the internship that taught me a lot, especially since I'm not getting paid. But nope, after shuffling around projects for a month, finally I think he just gave up on projects for me. Instead I spent 8 hours printing labels and putting them on precisely with tweezers. (Sidenote: I had no idea, definitely a lifehack for the future, using tweezers to put on stickers/stamps.)
Not saying that I'm above that, but I want to learn. I want to be able to differentiate myself from the skills of a elementary schooler, middle schooler, high schooler...
My parents want to drop a lot of money on me taking industry programming classes that are super practical. I'm fine with taking them I guess, it's just disappointing when I spend so much on Northwestern and I can't get a fucking practical class that actually teaches me what I need to know for jobs. Web programming? iOS? Android programming? Nonexistant, unheard of at Northwestern. I guess that's the problem when you mix academic for academics sake, a theoretical field like "computer science," when all you really want to learn is "programming." The two aren't interchangeable.
I don't even know what I wan to do. I don't mind programming, and of the majors offered, I'd say I'd probably choose it over any of the others. But will I have job satisfaction with it? I don't know. Do I need job satisfaction?
And that leads to....
2. God
The knowledge, the truth is still there, even amidst these seemingly quieter times where I retreat back into being an introvert. But I'm not taking intentional risks here. It's easy with freshmen who are looking for friends, it's easy for people looking for a friendly face after focus...to take a risk and banter for a little bit, but with people who know me already? With the neighbor's who's names I can't even remember? With my brother? My parents?
Or even, I fear, friends within WCEC. When we're so comfortable with each other, that these necessary, deeper topics are passed over by easier and lighter topics. Not that any of us are shallow people, it just takes that push to start it (and cooperation, good topics, questions, alertness....).
And here I am talking about people during my "God" topic.
There was a life-sized model of Jesus in a church at Old Quebec that startled me for a second. In that split second, I realized I could let myself be affected by this powerful image or I could not show anything, take pictures, casually carry-on. I wouldn't want to show that side of me to my parents, to the passing by tourists.
I want to be unashamed.
And one and two...I want to find how to link these two together. But I guess you can't just attach God to your goals either...
I can't say I've learned much from my internship, if anything at all. I don't think it's my employers thought, but at the same time, I don't think it's mine. I did spend a lot of time trying to learn the material, but it was just simply too far above my level, and I can't expect others to take time out of their jobs to teach me everything. This was suppose to be the internship that taught me a lot, especially since I'm not getting paid. But nope, after shuffling around projects for a month, finally I think he just gave up on projects for me. Instead I spent 8 hours printing labels and putting them on precisely with tweezers. (Sidenote: I had no idea, definitely a lifehack for the future, using tweezers to put on stickers/stamps.)
Not saying that I'm above that, but I want to learn. I want to be able to differentiate myself from the skills of a elementary schooler, middle schooler, high schooler...
My parents want to drop a lot of money on me taking industry programming classes that are super practical. I'm fine with taking them I guess, it's just disappointing when I spend so much on Northwestern and I can't get a fucking practical class that actually teaches me what I need to know for jobs. Web programming? iOS? Android programming? Nonexistant, unheard of at Northwestern. I guess that's the problem when you mix academic for academics sake, a theoretical field like "computer science," when all you really want to learn is "programming." The two aren't interchangeable.
I don't even know what I wan to do. I don't mind programming, and of the majors offered, I'd say I'd probably choose it over any of the others. But will I have job satisfaction with it? I don't know. Do I need job satisfaction?
And that leads to....
2. God
The knowledge, the truth is still there, even amidst these seemingly quieter times where I retreat back into being an introvert. But I'm not taking intentional risks here. It's easy with freshmen who are looking for friends, it's easy for people looking for a friendly face after focus...to take a risk and banter for a little bit, but with people who know me already? With the neighbor's who's names I can't even remember? With my brother? My parents?
Or even, I fear, friends within WCEC. When we're so comfortable with each other, that these necessary, deeper topics are passed over by easier and lighter topics. Not that any of us are shallow people, it just takes that push to start it (and cooperation, good topics, questions, alertness....).
And here I am talking about people during my "God" topic.
There was a life-sized model of Jesus in a church at Old Quebec that startled me for a second. In that split second, I realized I could let myself be affected by this powerful image or I could not show anything, take pictures, casually carry-on. I wouldn't want to show that side of me to my parents, to the passing by tourists.
I want to be unashamed.
And one and two...I want to find how to link these two together. But I guess you can't just attach God to your goals either...
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
this week
- finish syringe pump DLL
- by Thurs
- read luke
- get to Luke 2 by Friday
- read ruby on rails
- idk
- chores
vague post
It's a lesson that I learn over and over again, and I guess one that I need to learn over and over again.
That my value comes from nothing else than the cross of Jesus Christ. Not from friends, accomplishments, girls,attention, attractiveness, skill or personal achievement, but simply from the cross.
But not quite simple at all. That I am worthy because God personally sent his Son to die for me. My swagger, my longboarding skills, my programming abilities, or social skills (or lack of)) didn't make a chink in the price of salvation.
The swagger comes from Jesus, not myself.
I was put in a situation today, that even though the person was being very ...polite in a sense, by keeping their word, it was a bit awkward for me, bringing me back to a place of vulnerability.
And of course, me, being the arrogant asshole I am, play it off like it's nothing, even though it's a huge step for this person to bring this up. I don't want to be put in my place.
I don't know..
That my value comes from nothing else than the cross of Jesus Christ. Not from friends, accomplishments, girls,attention, attractiveness, skill or personal achievement, but simply from the cross.
But not quite simple at all. That I am worthy because God personally sent his Son to die for me. My swagger, my longboarding skills, my programming abilities, or social skills (or lack of)) didn't make a chink in the price of salvation.
The swagger comes from Jesus, not myself.
I was put in a situation today, that even though the person was being very ...polite in a sense, by keeping their word, it was a bit awkward for me, bringing me back to a place of vulnerability.
And of course, me, being the arrogant asshole I am, play it off like it's nothing, even though it's a huge step for this person to bring this up. I don't want to be put in my place.
I don't know..
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
late night
No more forced deep topics. I can't consistently right them. As some youth pastor said a while ago, quality comes for quantity.
I'm getting into motorcycles again. There's something about riding in the night, whether longboards or (I suspect) motorcycles, that just gives me such peace. In fact, even something about the night. When I see pictures of the Chicago skyline along Lake Michigan, or Sheridan Rd, or NYC streets at night, I get good feelings, not because the picture is well-taken, but I just have good memories associated with those places.
I always tell myself that I wouldn't want to work in Chicago, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Even though it's terribly dangerous, I love wondering around at night when there's less people, less traffic. The people that are out are out for fun, not for business or school.
I guess different parts of the day have different feeling associated with them. Morning quiet peace, afternoon energy, and night reflection of the day.
Anyway, I think I'll try to be a standby on this weeks motorcycle training class. We'll see if it works.
I'm getting into motorcycles again. There's something about riding in the night, whether longboards or (I suspect) motorcycles, that just gives me such peace. In fact, even something about the night. When I see pictures of the Chicago skyline along Lake Michigan, or Sheridan Rd, or NYC streets at night, I get good feelings, not because the picture is well-taken, but I just have good memories associated with those places.
I always tell myself that I wouldn't want to work in Chicago, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Even though it's terribly dangerous, I love wondering around at night when there's less people, less traffic. The people that are out are out for fun, not for business or school.
I guess different parts of the day have different feeling associated with them. Morning quiet peace, afternoon energy, and night reflection of the day.
Anyway, I think I'll try to be a standby on this weeks motorcycle training class. We'll see if it works.
click
That moment when you realize that the conversation stopped being mouths trying to fill gaps, but voices trying to present their life, wanting to share a story, an experience. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to share all the details, to fill this person in, or to hear all their stories and their experiences.
It feels like you've climbed Mt. Everest, like you're trailblazing a path that you didn't know was possible. I love moments like those. When two people unite "in heart and mind," it feels like you're doing the right thing. Suddenly occupations and age seem unimportant, and it almost seems like you just slapped the Devil in the face.
That click.
It feels like you've climbed Mt. Everest, like you're trailblazing a path that you didn't know was possible. I love moments like those. When two people unite "in heart and mind," it feels like you're doing the right thing. Suddenly occupations and age seem unimportant, and it almost seems like you just slapped the Devil in the face.
That click.
money and friends
I was talking to UR the other day in the car, and he spoke of how he never lived on campus during his college years. Because he lived so close, his parents financially forced him to live at home, a mere 20 minutes away. But those 20 minutesthat saved him $5K/year cost him unfounded relationships, something priceless he says. He was still satisfied with his college experience, nonetheless. "You take what you get," he said.
Good man. But it got me thinking about these relationships we build. If someone asked me, "How much would I have to pay you for your friendship with _______ end?" What would that price be?
I couldn't say, but more than $5,000 I'll tell you that.
The two categories don't match up. Green paper can't win a fight against friendship and love. I hope.
Good man. But it got me thinking about these relationships we build. If someone asked me, "How much would I have to pay you for your friendship with _______ end?" What would that price be?
I couldn't say, but more than $5,000 I'll tell you that.
The two categories don't match up. Green paper can't win a fight against friendship and love. I hope.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
aimless
Not calm and collected. Too many things running through my head, too many worries, silly thought-out scenarios, too much laziness, not enough exercise, too many bad habits, wasted opportunities, too much silence, too much talking, too much complaining, overload of cheekiness, oblivious to just being nice, tired mindset for work, for church, not enough time, too much games,too much thinking about the future, not enough future planning, insecurities, pride issues, bad motives, negative reactions and poor word choices, stupidity, inferiority, superiority, untrustworthy...too many thoughts invading my mind.
God, grant me Your peace.
God, grant me Your peace.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
parents
This summer, is allowing me to see how broken my family is. No, we're not poor. We're doing alright financially, health-wise, and we don't want to kill each other. My mom and dad aren't getting a divorce, my brother and I aren't fighting, and I'm not fighting with my parents either.
But something is wrong when I'm struggling to speak up at the dinner table. I'm sure every awkward silence breaks my moms heart, but there's only so much you can say when the only thing your parents care about is comfort. A healthy lifestyle, a good and secure job, good money...and lots of "family time."
My mom thinks the solution is more "family time." Well, she doesn't say it, but I think that's what she thinks. The whole Delaware/New Jersey split. Given, I'd rather be hanging out with friends than with family at this point. I guess I could keep remarking on individual bad instances, but really it comes down to me thinking that my parents don't understand me anymore.
That if I had to explain my actions, which in my head usually have some sort of purpose to them, that it would be too much too explain to them. And if I were to explain to them, they wouldn't get it. I tried explaining Urbana to my dad, and he just wanted me to stay home. He brought up some pretty bad reason, that the flying at that time is really busy. I know that he wanted to say that I should stay home more, but he probably just didn't want to say that.
...so I signed up for Urbana without his consent.
Sigh, I don't want to keep rambling. I just want to be able to love my parents. I don't want to feel like I treat my home like a hotel, and my parents like a money source. How sad is it that the conversation I had with Angela today, someone 3 years younger than me, was probably better than most of my conversations with my parents.
But something is wrong when I'm struggling to speak up at the dinner table. I'm sure every awkward silence breaks my moms heart, but there's only so much you can say when the only thing your parents care about is comfort. A healthy lifestyle, a good and secure job, good money...and lots of "family time."
My mom thinks the solution is more "family time." Well, she doesn't say it, but I think that's what she thinks. The whole Delaware/New Jersey split. Given, I'd rather be hanging out with friends than with family at this point. I guess I could keep remarking on individual bad instances, but really it comes down to me thinking that my parents don't understand me anymore.
That if I had to explain my actions, which in my head usually have some sort of purpose to them, that it would be too much too explain to them. And if I were to explain to them, they wouldn't get it. I tried explaining Urbana to my dad, and he just wanted me to stay home. He brought up some pretty bad reason, that the flying at that time is really busy. I know that he wanted to say that I should stay home more, but he probably just didn't want to say that.
...so I signed up for Urbana without his consent.
Sigh, I don't want to keep rambling. I just want to be able to love my parents. I don't want to feel like I treat my home like a hotel, and my parents like a money source. How sad is it that the conversation I had with Angela today, someone 3 years younger than me, was probably better than most of my conversations with my parents.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
times like these
Times like these that make me realize that I don't really trust God. I trust my skills (or at least, I want to trust my skills) to get me that job, that internship...not even for the money. Okay, a little bit for the money, but for a job worth having, a job that keeps me getting up in the morning for, what 40 years?
I don't know the balance between hard work and trusting God.
I read Mark 1 today. It's so abridged to the point that so many details are left out...actually I feel that away about most of the Bible I've read. Suddenly, Jesus calls 4 fisherman to follow him, and BAM, they drop their things and leave. In Luke, there's at least a build up to calling Peter, with the miracle of catching fish, beating Peter at his own trade. But for some reason, Mark doesn't find that necessary.
Was he that captivating? I don't think anyone is that captivating. Not even the most beautiful girl in the world can simply ask me to drop my career path and leave. It's a miracle in itself that Jesus is able to get these guys to follow him like that. Had to be the work of God in them.
I want to find that balance. I remember when I was a sophomore in high school, I vowed to go to sleep at 11pm everyday. And I did, whether I finished studying or not, I went to sleep at 11..with strange peace. Maybe that's what it's like--to prepare yourself, but at the same time, know your boundary. Even if you weren't able to fully prepare, to not worry. To not worry. To let go.
Whew, that is going to take some time.
------
Finally implemented PrintEngine into d3display, but still much more to do.
Studied Ruby/Rails for most of the day today. First impression, pretty tough.
Eyes are getting real tired of looking at computer screen so intently.
I don't know the balance between hard work and trusting God.
I read Mark 1 today. It's so abridged to the point that so many details are left out...actually I feel that away about most of the Bible I've read. Suddenly, Jesus calls 4 fisherman to follow him, and BAM, they drop their things and leave. In Luke, there's at least a build up to calling Peter, with the miracle of catching fish, beating Peter at his own trade. But for some reason, Mark doesn't find that necessary.
Was he that captivating? I don't think anyone is that captivating. Not even the most beautiful girl in the world can simply ask me to drop my career path and leave. It's a miracle in itself that Jesus is able to get these guys to follow him like that. Had to be the work of God in them.
I want to find that balance. I remember when I was a sophomore in high school, I vowed to go to sleep at 11pm everyday. And I did, whether I finished studying or not, I went to sleep at 11..with strange peace. Maybe that's what it's like--to prepare yourself, but at the same time, know your boundary. Even if you weren't able to fully prepare, to not worry. To not worry. To let go.
Whew, that is going to take some time.
------
Finally implemented PrintEngine into d3display, but still much more to do.
Studied Ruby/Rails for most of the day today. First impression, pretty tough.
Eyes are getting real tired of looking at computer screen so intently.
cs woes
After a talk with Jeannette, I'm FREAKING out about CS.
I guess there is no easy path.
1. CS interview are like mind puzzles
I guess there is no easy path.
1. CS interview are like mind puzzles
- must read book on interviews....
- and memorize
2. Must have personal project
- Must learn Ruby
- must learn Rails framework
- learn HTML/CSS
- start working on Bernard's site
3. Must learn things for current "internship"
- WPF/XAML
4. Have to do well in school
- OS, Networking, Discrete, Programming Languages.........
- I couldn't even do 213...
5. Maintain SG
........................................OTL
Sunday, June 24, 2012
humility
I wish my mom could admit when she's wrong.
I wish I could admit when I'm wrong.
I wish heated arguments could be stopped and slowly discussed logically with thought processes of all parties shared.
I wish I could be more patient and not give up on situations and walk out.
I wish I knew Chinese better so I could communicate to them in their own language.
I wish we could all stop trying to save face.
I wish we were all more humble.
We are family.
I wish I could admit when I'm wrong.
I wish heated arguments could be stopped and slowly discussed logically with thought processes of all parties shared.
I wish I could be more patient and not give up on situations and walk out.
I wish I knew Chinese better so I could communicate to them in their own language.
I wish we could all stop trying to save face.
I wish we were all more humble.
We are family.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
to do
Three things from Retreat of Silence
- build Bernard a baller website
- Build up relationship with family
- start regularly reading the Word
living
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure, again.
My faith died my freshmen year in college because, long story short, my faith wasn't mine. It was my WCEC friends, and as much as I still dearly love them so much, the strength of those friendships caused me think I was close with God, a "good Christian." No blame on any of them, they were all there to support me when I came back to faith freshmen year.
But this isn't about my testimony of freshmen year. I wonder if I'm turning AAIV into my old WCEC. In AAIV, I'm taking much more of a leadership-type role than I did in WCEC, where I just tagged along for things.
I come to these thoughts because I've had a surprisingly little amount of faith struggles this schoolyear, especially for someone who is NOT devoted to prayer and reading the Word. In fact, I'd even say I've "grown." But is it actual growth or simply getting closer with the fellowship? This joy that I've been able to experience this year, was it because of AAIV or was it because of my relationship with Jesus?
I'd like to say both. Of course when I'm looking back on freshmen and sophomore year, I can't accurately portray them in my mind--so many things happened that I can't process all at once, or I simply have forgotten.
I come to these thoughts because here at home, I don't experience this "growth." My aspirations of small group leader, community builder, "reaching out"...have completely gone amiss here.
Here at home...it's about making use of my time, trying to do something meaningful, whether hanging out with friends or learning more CS stuff. There's no passion. What scares me the most is that domestic life is, most likely, how I will spend the rest of my life. I don't want my faith to suddenly die again once I graduate.
My faith died my freshmen year in college because, long story short, my faith wasn't mine. It was my WCEC friends, and as much as I still dearly love them so much, the strength of those friendships caused me think I was close with God, a "good Christian." No blame on any of them, they were all there to support me when I came back to faith freshmen year.
But this isn't about my testimony of freshmen year. I wonder if I'm turning AAIV into my old WCEC. In AAIV, I'm taking much more of a leadership-type role than I did in WCEC, where I just tagged along for things.
I come to these thoughts because I've had a surprisingly little amount of faith struggles this schoolyear, especially for someone who is NOT devoted to prayer and reading the Word. In fact, I'd even say I've "grown." But is it actual growth or simply getting closer with the fellowship? This joy that I've been able to experience this year, was it because of AAIV or was it because of my relationship with Jesus?
I'd like to say both. Of course when I'm looking back on freshmen and sophomore year, I can't accurately portray them in my mind--so many things happened that I can't process all at once, or I simply have forgotten.
I come to these thoughts because here at home, I don't experience this "growth." My aspirations of small group leader, community builder, "reaching out"...have completely gone amiss here.
Here at home...it's about making use of my time, trying to do something meaningful, whether hanging out with friends or learning more CS stuff. There's no passion. What scares me the most is that domestic life is, most likely, how I will spend the rest of my life. I don't want my faith to suddenly die again once I graduate.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
maturation
JO brought this up to me a few days ago. When your old high school friends complain that you're straying away from them, only hanging out with your college friends now, even when you've only known the college folk for less than 1 year.
At first glance, they're right factually speaking, but it begs the question, "Why do I feel so close to people I've only been with for a year."
College, with so many events going on and such much time to pass, inevitably throws you in more situations to bond, to grow, to mature. I think that's why I think my faith seemed to explode at college, but now it seems to be...not growing as fast as a pace.
I don't know. I have to go. Lunch break is over =(.
At first glance, they're right factually speaking, but it begs the question, "Why do I feel so close to people I've only been with for a year."
College, with so many events going on and such much time to pass, inevitably throws you in more situations to bond, to grow, to mature. I think that's why I think my faith seemed to explode at college, but now it seems to be...not growing as fast as a pace.
I don't know. I have to go. Lunch break is over =(.
lunchbreak lounging.1
After three days of painfully boring coding, I'm finally onto a more interesting project, so woohoo.
All this 9-5 work has really made me see my time in college as so much more valuable, and much less excited for future work and/or married life. College I wake up at 10:30 (sometimes 1pm if I decide to skip), go to class for an hour, then proceed to lounge around. I could get by with not studying, all I had to do was the homework, given those did take a long time. But once the homework was done, I was free.
Now it just seems like 9am-5pm is the equivalent of doing homework. There's no due dates (most of the time), but there's also no option of not doing it. So when folks get married and have families and such, time will be so scarce. Wake up, work, come home, dinner, chores (bills, yard, cleaning, car maintenance, house maintainence, groceries, cook)....repeat? ...no time for friends =(.
As opposed to college, which is like 99% time for friends. No wonder they say 90% of guys over 30 don't have a best friend. EFF.
"But you get to have sex." - certain someone.
Oy. I guess this is the first summer I'm "working." (Still bitter about not getting paid.)
All this 9-5 work has really made me see my time in college as so much more valuable, and much less excited for future work and/or married life. College I wake up at 10:30 (sometimes 1pm if I decide to skip), go to class for an hour, then proceed to lounge around. I could get by with not studying, all I had to do was the homework, given those did take a long time. But once the homework was done, I was free.
Now it just seems like 9am-5pm is the equivalent of doing homework. There's no due dates (most of the time), but there's also no option of not doing it. So when folks get married and have families and such, time will be so scarce. Wake up, work, come home, dinner, chores (bills, yard, cleaning, car maintenance, house maintainence, groceries, cook)....repeat? ...no time for friends =(.
As opposed to college, which is like 99% time for friends. No wonder they say 90% of guys over 30 don't have a best friend. EFF.
"But you get to have sex." - certain someone.
Oy. I guess this is the first summer I'm "working." (Still bitter about not getting paid.)
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
this is it.
Just like that, and sophomore year is done and two years have rushed by. At one hand, it seems like it went by so fast, but on the other hand, high school also seems only to be a distant memory now-I've grown and changed so much since then.
I'm scared. Scared of what the future will hold, scared of not attaining internships/jobs, scared of small group leading, of men's den failing. Scared of losing touch with people, like my roommate, Esther, and Ron. Even scared of losing touch with people on campus - the freshmen.
Even scared of my "internship" this summer, whether it will be useful, whether I'll be ready.
Sigh, but to be scared is to doubt God's goodness, His faithfulness. And how good He has been to me, not just in the past year, but in the past two years. I'm still a pathetic human being though, and I still worry.
I went paddle boarding with my floor mates today. God, I still just SUCK at communicating to them. I'm still the quiet one in the group. After a whole fucking year. If I were them, I would've ditched my ass a long time ago. Sigh. That's a whole separate topic, of me and my non-Asian relationships, and how I just fail in them.
I'm thankful for my roommate. I know many times this year I complained about him never made it a priority to hangout with him. I kind of just assumed that fraternity guys are cool already and don't need my attention. What a horrible ahgsdhdb-ing assumption. He has shown me how much he values family and showed me random things that I never would have done in my life-wake surfing, water tubing, paddle boarding...and just showed me not to be so frugal when going out to eat, but just to have a good time. He's shown me a side of American guys that I probably never would've seen, and fraternity guys definitely.
I think Men's Den will work though. It's been really cool just randomly getting to know the MD guys just this quarter through IM ultimate frisbee and Core Wednesdays, something I didn't expect at all.
And it's been good to finally talk to girls again. Haha, thanks Crystal.
Sophomore year, you've been too good to me.
(sorry for any typo's, as I am writing this on my roommates iPad becau my computer is broken, and I can't fall asleep for cedar because I packed my blanks already. ;_;)
I'm scared. Scared of what the future will hold, scared of not attaining internships/jobs, scared of small group leading, of men's den failing. Scared of losing touch with people, like my roommate, Esther, and Ron. Even scared of losing touch with people on campus - the freshmen.
Even scared of my "internship" this summer, whether it will be useful, whether I'll be ready.
Sigh, but to be scared is to doubt God's goodness, His faithfulness. And how good He has been to me, not just in the past year, but in the past two years. I'm still a pathetic human being though, and I still worry.
I went paddle boarding with my floor mates today. God, I still just SUCK at communicating to them. I'm still the quiet one in the group. After a whole fucking year. If I were them, I would've ditched my ass a long time ago. Sigh. That's a whole separate topic, of me and my non-Asian relationships, and how I just fail in them.
I'm thankful for my roommate. I know many times this year I complained about him never made it a priority to hangout with him. I kind of just assumed that fraternity guys are cool already and don't need my attention. What a horrible ahgsdhdb-ing assumption. He has shown me how much he values family and showed me random things that I never would have done in my life-wake surfing, water tubing, paddle boarding...and just showed me not to be so frugal when going out to eat, but just to have a good time. He's shown me a side of American guys that I probably never would've seen, and fraternity guys definitely.
I think Men's Den will work though. It's been really cool just randomly getting to know the MD guys just this quarter through IM ultimate frisbee and Core Wednesdays, something I didn't expect at all.
And it's been good to finally talk to girls again. Haha, thanks Crystal.
Sophomore year, you've been too good to me.
(sorry for any typo's, as I am writing this on my roommates iPad becau my computer is broken, and I can't fall asleep for cedar because I packed my blanks already. ;_;)
Friday, June 8, 2012
at work
I mistakenly took up a shift of work. Helen had already worked from 8-12, and since my computer broke, I came to Tech Lab to use a computer. I thought I'd want to be here for 2 hours, but now I'm dying.
Haven't written in a while. So I'm rusty on words.
I jumped into Lake Michigan with Phil this morning during the sunrise. I really hope I don't become a non-adventurous upperclassman. Honestly, the difference between a senior and a freshman is only what? 3/4 years?
Bleh, my mind...isn't in a writing mood.
Haven't written in a while. So I'm rusty on words.
I jumped into Lake Michigan with Phil this morning during the sunrise. I really hope I don't become a non-adventurous upperclassman. Honestly, the difference between a senior and a freshman is only what? 3/4 years?
Bleh, my mind...isn't in a writing mood.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Basically haven't had a computer in the past 2 weeks because my computer has been so messed up. Hard disk problem I think.
So I finally called them up, and I'm sending in my janky laptop tomorrow. No computer for 2-3 weeks? leggo.
(I still go to school. Where there is computer access every 2 steps.)
So I finally called them up, and I'm sending in my janky laptop tomorrow. No computer for 2-3 weeks? leggo.
(I still go to school. Where there is computer access every 2 steps.)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
god
You work in strange ways. Using my event to humble me. Using a "potential nonstranger" (joke) to help me understand.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
core wednesdays
This past quarter, I've sort of hopped onto Joanne's idea of "Restore Core." Core is a place inside our Main Library. Last year, many people of my class studied there a lot and really go to know each other there (myself, not included). Hell, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships started there and those relationships are still going strong!
For whatever reason, once we began sophomores, we stopped going and somehow our class unity died too. So I thought it was a good idea, although going to core everyday might've been too much. So I started the idea of "Core Wednesdays" (most likely because my Thursdays are pretty easy).
No matter how little or how many people come, it's always been great. One time I didn't even go and a bunch of guys ended up at BK all night, then staying up for the sunrise.
Now not to say that it's good to do nothing and not study all the time. That's not the fellowship I want to be a part of, one that is simply just constantly hanging out. However, I do this because I find that there is a lack of it in AAIV (from my end, at least). What's the point of a fellowship when the only time we're "together" is when we're sitting down on Friday nights listening to a speaker?
It's a bit discouraging seeing the Facebook event fail, but I pray I would know that God will work through the event whether many or few people show up. I will stop bothering people. Let those who come, come.
Core Wednesdays has been a large part of my spring quarter.
For whatever reason, once we began sophomores, we stopped going and somehow our class unity died too. So I thought it was a good idea, although going to core everyday might've been too much. So I started the idea of "Core Wednesdays" (most likely because my Thursdays are pretty easy).
No matter how little or how many people come, it's always been great. One time I didn't even go and a bunch of guys ended up at BK all night, then staying up for the sunrise.
Now not to say that it's good to do nothing and not study all the time. That's not the fellowship I want to be a part of, one that is simply just constantly hanging out. However, I do this because I find that there is a lack of it in AAIV (from my end, at least). What's the point of a fellowship when the only time we're "together" is when we're sitting down on Friday nights listening to a speaker?
It's a bit discouraging seeing the Facebook event fail, but I pray I would know that God will work through the event whether many or few people show up. I will stop bothering people. Let those who come, come.
Core Wednesdays has been a large part of my spring quarter.
hometowns
Random thought.
I'd like to visit my family origins more. I've been to Kunming (maternal grandmother), but I've never been to Harbin (maternal grandfather). To be honest, I don't know much about my grandfather.
And I have no idea where my paternal grandparents are from (I think GuangZhou?), but all I know is that my paternal grandfather was a complete business boss when he was younger.
And even Taiwan more.
I'd like to visit my family origins more. I've been to Kunming (maternal grandmother), but I've never been to Harbin (maternal grandfather). To be honest, I don't know much about my grandfather.
And I have no idea where my paternal grandparents are from (I think GuangZhou?), but all I know is that my paternal grandfather was a complete business boss when he was younger.
And even Taiwan more.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
keegan
"...There’s this sentiment I sometimes sense, creeping in our collective conscious as we lay alone after a party, or pack up our books when we give in and go out – that it is somehow too late. That others are somehow ahead. More accomplished, more specialized. More on the path to somehow saving the world, somehow creating or inventing or improving. That it’s too late now to BEGIN a beginning and we must settle for continuance, for commencement..."
bobb
Out in the hallway blogging.
Next-door-neighbor hallmate is having sex with girl. "Sex noises" are very clear.
Weird to think that all these guys who live right next to me have sex. Frequently.
Next-door-neighbor hallmate is having sex with girl. "Sex noises" are very clear.
Weird to think that all these guys who live right next to me have sex. Frequently.
interclass dinner
A girl sat next to me at interclass dinner, a stranger. Everyone was dressed up but her in tshirt and shorts. She told someone that she was doing a report on AAIV (I overheard).
I was slightly angry. Angry that she would try to do a "report" on this event, but take a part in (by taking the seat next to me), but at the same time not participating in table conversation or the actual event itself. Instead, she typed away at God knows what on her Macbook, right on the dinner table.
But I felt so silly for feeling angry. I didn't even want her to be there. Better yet, I wanted her to be replaced by someone I knew. How selfish and unloving of me. And part of it was my fault for not wanting to introduce myself, and 30 minutes probably went by with me not saying a word to her as she typed away.
I realized this would probably be a much more pleasant experience for her and I (and our table) if we just got to know each other. I calmed down and tried to introduce myself and ask about what she was working on. She opened up. Tried to incorporate her into the table as much as possible, asked her about the report, tried to explain stuff...not great, but still much better than before.
She probably opened up because she wanted to get more direct feedback and quotes for the report she was doing on AAIV. Later I saw that she was actually recording our exact conversations at the table. (Weird.) Nonetheless, she's interviewing me tomorrow for the same report about AAIV, and I hope I will do AAIV and Jesus their justice.
And you never know who God will call to come to Him.
I was slightly angry. Angry that she would try to do a "report" on this event, but take a part in (by taking the seat next to me), but at the same time not participating in table conversation or the actual event itself. Instead, she typed away at God knows what on her Macbook, right on the dinner table.
But I felt so silly for feeling angry. I didn't even want her to be there. Better yet, I wanted her to be replaced by someone I knew. How selfish and unloving of me. And part of it was my fault for not wanting to introduce myself, and 30 minutes probably went by with me not saying a word to her as she typed away.
I realized this would probably be a much more pleasant experience for her and I (and our table) if we just got to know each other. I calmed down and tried to introduce myself and ask about what she was working on. She opened up. Tried to incorporate her into the table as much as possible, asked her about the report, tried to explain stuff...not great, but still much better than before.
She probably opened up because she wanted to get more direct feedback and quotes for the report she was doing on AAIV. Later I saw that she was actually recording our exact conversations at the table. (Weird.) Nonetheless, she's interviewing me tomorrow for the same report about AAIV, and I hope I will do AAIV and Jesus their justice.
And you never know who God will call to come to Him.
God
Teach me to be a better friend.
Teach me to be a bolder and more courageous person.
Teach me to love, to empathize, without boundaries.
Teach me to build deeper friendships with guys.
Humble me.
Teach me to be a bolder and more courageous person.
Teach me to love, to empathize, without boundaries.
Teach me to build deeper friendships with guys.
Humble me.
dillo weekend
Friday:
Combined Praise team (2-9pm)
BDubs with c/o 2014 (9-12)
Monopoly Deal at Chris Oh's (12-2)
Plex with Yom and Crystal (2-4)
Saturday:
Senior focus filming with c/o 2014 (3-7)
Dillo Day -Steve Aoki (8-12)
Senior Focus filming again (12-2)
Sunday:
AAIV Small Group Olympics (2-4)
Spring Formal (4-12)
Steak'n'Shake (12-3)
Monday:
c/o 2014 food @ Joyees(12-2)
c/o 2014 beach (2-4)
Haircut (5-6)
Interclass Dinner (6-9)
Facebooking as a result of massive amount of photos (9-1)
Holy shit. So busy I forgot that I was at school. Wonderful time, getting to know my class better. I'm not a great actor, but I like being part of videos because it definitely somehow brings people together. And it's fun.
Combined Praise team (2-9pm)
BDubs with c/o 2014 (9-12)
Monopoly Deal at Chris Oh's (12-2)
Plex with Yom and Crystal (2-4)
Saturday:
Senior focus filming with c/o 2014 (3-7)
Dillo Day -Steve Aoki (8-12)
Senior Focus filming again (12-2)
Sunday:
AAIV Small Group Olympics (2-4)
Spring Formal (4-12)
Steak'n'Shake (12-3)
Monday:
c/o 2014 food @ Joyees(12-2)
c/o 2014 beach (2-4)
Haircut (5-6)
Interclass Dinner (6-9)
Facebooking as a result of massive amount of photos (9-1)
Holy shit. So busy I forgot that I was at school. Wonderful time, getting to know my class better. I'm not a great actor, but I like being part of videos because it definitely somehow brings people together. And it's fun.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
good night...good morning
Core->BK->sunrise->walk back
The conversation I had today with DL made me so thankful how far God has brought me. It's these experiences that I have gone through that enable for me to encourage and empathize with others. God, I pray that you continue to impute these truths into my heart and into DL's also. That I am worth nothing by myself but worth everything through You.
Words can't describe. Hallelujiah. This Core Wednesdays/BK Thursdays shenanigans is not going to waste.
....good night.
//that I am not powerful, and how You've reminded me of my weakness, that good-two-shoes will never be good enough
//given me a situation to show how quickly I can fall from good to bad
//that You've taken that guilt away from me
//that I am unashamed despite my sins, sin has lost its power
//that You hold a purpose/passion for us even when We are not worthy
#apex
The conversation I had today with DL made me so thankful how far God has brought me. It's these experiences that I have gone through that enable for me to encourage and empathize with others. God, I pray that you continue to impute these truths into my heart and into DL's also. That I am worth nothing by myself but worth everything through You.
Words can't describe. Hallelujiah. This Core Wednesdays/BK Thursdays shenanigans is not going to waste.
....good night.
//that I am not powerful, and how You've reminded me of my weakness, that good-two-shoes will never be good enough
//given me a situation to show how quickly I can fall from good to bad
//that You've taken that guilt away from me
//that I am unashamed despite my sins, sin has lost its power
//that You hold a purpose/passion for us even when We are not worthy
#apex
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
another good day
terrible academically. but a good day nonetheless.
Talk with DR....who apparently reads my blog. I don't believe it. A long overdue conversation, to be honest, but better late than never for sure. It's so crazy how someone's freshmen year can shape them so strongly for the rest of their college years (and maybe life? I don't know. We'll see I guess).
It's strange to think that everyone is a sinner. Not one person is without sin. The most "holy" person you know probably needs your support more than you could imagine. I bet every Christian has thought about giving up their faith at one point. I bet every pastor in seminary as questioned why they're there. Every worship leader has "gone through the motions" with a song and every small group leader has gone through a passage they don't have a heart for or maybe don't even understand. Yes, I don't think it's a good thing to do these things, but at the same time, I find the inevitable. We're not "godly." We're not God. I sin like no other. Yet I speak praises with my mouth, raise my hand in worship.
That's the beauty of grace, and our leaders need grace just as much as we do.
Chat with PL. Should I do family group leading and worship? Part of me tells me that I won't have enough time with OS and Discrete, but a strong part of me knows I'll miss drumming so much. As I was telling PL, there's that moment during worship when suddenly you realize that you're exactly where you need to be. Your sticks suddenly just feel like they're extensions of your arms, and you just let go and praise Him. (Sidenote, so thankful for Franky for showing me that simple beat on that beautiful Friday night ...6 years ago.)
AAIV, it's strange how fond of you I've grown. Good night.
Prayer request: that my computer gets fixed...using lab computer now.
---
edit:
Another thought. I wrote about maybe a week ago about how the Christian life is about a life that already has success (or as the Focus speaker said, a life of victory). My blog is called "the fight." Contradictory...?
Talk with DR....who apparently reads my blog. I don't believe it. A long overdue conversation, to be honest, but better late than never for sure. It's so crazy how someone's freshmen year can shape them so strongly for the rest of their college years (and maybe life? I don't know. We'll see I guess).
It's strange to think that everyone is a sinner. Not one person is without sin. The most "holy" person you know probably needs your support more than you could imagine. I bet every Christian has thought about giving up their faith at one point. I bet every pastor in seminary as questioned why they're there. Every worship leader has "gone through the motions" with a song and every small group leader has gone through a passage they don't have a heart for or maybe don't even understand. Yes, I don't think it's a good thing to do these things, but at the same time, I find the inevitable. We're not "godly." We're not God. I sin like no other. Yet I speak praises with my mouth, raise my hand in worship.
That's the beauty of grace, and our leaders need grace just as much as we do.
Chat with PL. Should I do family group leading and worship? Part of me tells me that I won't have enough time with OS and Discrete, but a strong part of me knows I'll miss drumming so much. As I was telling PL, there's that moment during worship when suddenly you realize that you're exactly where you need to be. Your sticks suddenly just feel like they're extensions of your arms, and you just let go and praise Him. (Sidenote, so thankful for Franky for showing me that simple beat on that beautiful Friday night ...6 years ago.)
AAIV, it's strange how fond of you I've grown. Good night.
Prayer request: that my computer gets fixed...using lab computer now.
---
edit:
Another thought. I wrote about maybe a week ago about how the Christian life is about a life that already has success (or as the Focus speaker said, a life of victory). My blog is called "the fight." Contradictory...?
Monday, May 21, 2012
surprised
Wow. I thought I was spending a lot this quarter. (And I guess I was. $300?)
But I've made more than I spent...don't feel as bad now for going to BK all those nights.
Goal: break even after cedar+springformal moneyz
But I've made more than I spent...don't feel as bad now for going to BK all those nights.
Goal: break even after cedar+springformal moneyz
malloc lab
Am I just dumb that I can't understand this stuff?
Solutions to CS are so readily available on the web, so it's easy to pass classes ..
and not know a thing.
Solutions to CS are so readily available on the web, so it's easy to pass classes ..
and not know a thing.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
what the
great day.
Sailing. Focus. Bonfire. Longboard. Singing. BK. Movies.
The sun is beautiful at 6am. I am going to sleep.
Sailing. Focus. Bonfire. Longboard. Singing. BK. Movies.
The sun is beautiful at 6am. I am going to sleep.
Friday, May 18, 2012
baha'i trip thought #2 - wealth
It was very weird going out of the Northwestern campus. The homeowners north of NU campus are very wealthy. I definitely saw some of the nicest houses I've ever seen. Many of them with lakefront view, a nice little outdoor table so you could eat outside, right next to the lake (I should've taken a picture).
It got me thinking about the rich/poor gap. College is actually a crazy time because you don't actually know how well off people are. Sure, you may know this person has wealthy parents, but no one drives nice cars. No one eats fantastic food. We all live in the same dorms. Sure, the median income for a Northwestern student family is probably much higher than the average income of USA, but there are still huge gaps between individual students.
My roommate's family probably makes a couple million a year. Even though I see him spend money more than me, you can't see evidently see the gap. We live in the same room, use the same tables, same beds.
My point is, you see that the happiest people on this campus does not coincide with the people with the most money. Money can't buy you happiness on this campus.
It's an interesting thought.
"Some people are so poor all they have is money."
It got me thinking about the rich/poor gap. College is actually a crazy time because you don't actually know how well off people are. Sure, you may know this person has wealthy parents, but no one drives nice cars. No one eats fantastic food. We all live in the same dorms. Sure, the median income for a Northwestern student family is probably much higher than the average income of USA, but there are still huge gaps between individual students.
My roommate's family probably makes a couple million a year. Even though I see him spend money more than me, you can't see evidently see the gap. We live in the same room, use the same tables, same beds.
My point is, you see that the happiest people on this campus does not coincide with the people with the most money. Money can't buy you happiness on this campus.
It's an interesting thought.
"Some people are so poor all they have is money."
baha'i
Ron told me that there are some hills up by Baha'i temple, so I decided to go check it out and stop by Baha'i while I'm at it (I've never been).
For those who don't know, there are 7 Baha'i temples in the world, all in different countries, and the one that happens to be in the United States is about 1 mile north of the Northwestern campus.
Baha'i was beautiful. The lawns, the waters, the marble floors and quartz walls. It even overlooked Lake Michigan on the steps. I went in with my shorts, hoodie, longboard..and I felt out of place. This place is not for me. Even if I put on a nice suit, I'd feel like I'd be pretending to belong in that place. This place was made for God.
It made me think about when Jesus died, He tore the temple veils so that he could come into us, so that our bodies could be the temple that He dwells in. Man-made temples aren't even good enough for God. Baha'i doesn't compare to his heavenly throne. Yet He chooses to dwell, not in beautiful places like Baha'i, but in me. In my broken soul.
So that me, the sinner who will never feel at home in these holy structures much less in Heaven, could also get to know Him. To belong.
On another note, the hills were pretty bad. =[
For those who don't know, there are 7 Baha'i temples in the world, all in different countries, and the one that happens to be in the United States is about 1 mile north of the Northwestern campus.
Baha'i was beautiful. The lawns, the waters, the marble floors and quartz walls. It even overlooked Lake Michigan on the steps. I went in with my shorts, hoodie, longboard..and I felt out of place. This place is not for me. Even if I put on a nice suit, I'd feel like I'd be pretending to belong in that place. This place was made for God.
It made me think about when Jesus died, He tore the temple veils so that he could come into us, so that our bodies could be the temple that He dwells in. Man-made temples aren't even good enough for God. Baha'i doesn't compare to his heavenly throne. Yet He chooses to dwell, not in beautiful places like Baha'i, but in me. In my broken soul.
So that me, the sinner who will never feel at home in these holy structures much less in Heaven, could also get to know Him. To belong.
On another note, the hills were pretty bad. =[
Thursday, May 17, 2012
building a family group
I know my logistical self is going to try to come up with all these creative ideas to help the group click and attempt to make silly traditions.
But I think more than anything, I need to get in a habit of prayer and reading the bible. Back to the basics. C'mon, Rich.
I remember last year when I prayed so much about people I barely knew, my heart started aching for them. My attitude was changed towards them. I want that again. Change my heart, God.
But I think more than anything, I need to get in a habit of prayer and reading the bible. Back to the basics. C'mon, Rich.
I remember last year when I prayed so much about people I barely knew, my heart started aching for them. My attitude was changed towards them. I want that again. Change my heart, God.
spirit
It's kind of cool when something I write about gets repeated and discussed somewhere else (whether at aaiv, church, or elsewhere...).
Makes me think that the Holy Spirit is working this idea in all of us.
Makes me smile.
Makes me think that the Holy Spirit is working this idea in all of us.
Makes me smile.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
fairy tales
Something inside of me wants to gag whenever a someone posts about something relating her life to a fairy tale or wanting it to be more fairy tale-like.
Maybe I'm just not an optimist. No, I don't think that's it.
I should stop talking before the pitchforks start coming after me.
Maybe I'm just not an optimist. No, I don't think that's it.
I should stop talking before the pitchforks start coming after me.
cs woes
Woke up at 9:40 to go running today (I have class at 11am). Do you believe it? I sure don't.I surprisingly didn't fall right back a sleep when I tried, so I decided to run in hopes my cardio would drastically improve for the ultimate frisbee playoff game I had later in the day.
Then the rest of the day was frantically trying to learn how to make an iOS app. Our main programmer had the flu and was pretty upset that we didn't get much (or anything) done. They call this the "bus factor," where your best person gets run over by a bus...then your whole team is screwed.
I don't get computer science. There is so much theory to it, but when it comes to making an android/iOS app, to making a webpage, there's absolutely no classes on. I don't get it. It's like everyone just picks it up on their own. While they take data structures, compiler construction, operating systems...ridiculously hard classes. I don't get it.
So tomorrow, going to have to suck it up our teacher and explain why we don't have a demo app, and suck it up to our client, and explain why we've done nothing.
I just want this class to be over.
Then the rest of the day was frantically trying to learn how to make an iOS app. Our main programmer had the flu and was pretty upset that we didn't get much (or anything) done. They call this the "bus factor," where your best person gets run over by a bus...then your whole team is screwed.
I don't get computer science. There is so much theory to it, but when it comes to making an android/iOS app, to making a webpage, there's absolutely no classes on. I don't get it. It's like everyone just picks it up on their own. While they take data structures, compiler construction, operating systems...ridiculously hard classes. I don't get it.
So tomorrow, going to have to suck it up our teacher and explain why we don't have a demo app, and suck it up to our client, and explain why we've done nothing.
I just want this class to be over.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
aaiv leadership
I knew it. Small group leading. (or Family Group?)
It's like that wish that you really wanted but shouldn't have. On one hand, I'm super excited. I want to foster a community within AAIV. I want to correct the mistakes that I did while leading a small group my senior year in high school. I want to break the barrier between upperclassmen and underclassmen, between leader and member. I want small group to be a place where people can call it home.
Honestly, small group has been disappointing for me in AAIV. I don't know. Freshmen year was disappointing in general. Kevin (my current small group leader) has been great, but small group doesn't seem like a family when I'm the only one that consistently comes out..besides Kevin of course.
So on one hand, I want to create this community that I myself has desired so much. But on the other hand, I've never witnessed it. I've only witnessed it fail. Maybe not fail, but it wasn't the way I imagined it.
I'm afraid to fail. It's got to suck when it's spring quarter and you realize your ambitions as a small group leader haven't been a achieved and probably won't be achieved, even though you have such good intentions.
But I guess that's no reason to reject the position. In fact, I guess that just reflects how I still want to be in control. How I think I have the power to create communities. No, Rich. That might be your desire, but it's only through God those things will happen.
I'm afraid to invest in so much and get back so little. Sounds like I'm talking about a relationship. But again, I have the wrong mentality. It's not about what I get back. It's not a karma system. giving to get. I give because God gave so much, not because I expect something back, be reputation or personal ministry.
God, prepare me. Help me see this.
I'm not pleased how this post turned out because I wanted it to be like a post with pro's and con's, but I sort of just saw how my con's are ...not aligned with God's vision. Here we go, so help me God.
It's like that wish that you really wanted but shouldn't have. On one hand, I'm super excited. I want to foster a community within AAIV. I want to correct the mistakes that I did while leading a small group my senior year in high school. I want to break the barrier between upperclassmen and underclassmen, between leader and member. I want small group to be a place where people can call it home.
Honestly, small group has been disappointing for me in AAIV. I don't know. Freshmen year was disappointing in general. Kevin (my current small group leader) has been great, but small group doesn't seem like a family when I'm the only one that consistently comes out..besides Kevin of course.
So on one hand, I want to create this community that I myself has desired so much. But on the other hand, I've never witnessed it. I've only witnessed it fail. Maybe not fail, but it wasn't the way I imagined it.
I'm afraid to fail. It's got to suck when it's spring quarter and you realize your ambitions as a small group leader haven't been a achieved and probably won't be achieved, even though you have such good intentions.
But I guess that's no reason to reject the position. In fact, I guess that just reflects how I still want to be in control. How I think I have the power to create communities. No, Rich. That might be your desire, but it's only through God those things will happen.
I'm afraid to invest in so much and get back so little. Sounds like I'm talking about a relationship. But again, I have the wrong mentality. It's not about what I get back. It's not a karma system. giving to get. I give because God gave so much, not because I expect something back, be reputation or personal ministry.
God, prepare me. Help me see this.
I'm not pleased how this post turned out because I wanted it to be like a post with pro's and con's, but I sort of just saw how my con's are ...not aligned with God's vision. Here we go, so help me God.
mother's day
I'm at the point in the night where I can't get any more work done. I think. I shall write...
I emailed my mom today. Apologizing for the crappy phone call I gave her yesterday and apologized for not calling home as much. I think I didn't call home for two weeks, and my parents tried calling me like 4 times. Albeit, all four times were before 9:30am and I was sleeping so I didn't pick up, they thought something happened to me or I had lost my phone. I was sort of just like..."really?" to them.
Although it seems like an exaggerated response, I guess I'll never understand being a parent until I'm a parent. So I sent her an email, apologizing, then asking why we never talk about stuff other than academics.
"How's school?"
"Are you busy?"
"What classes are you taking next quarter?"
"Are your classes hard?"
"When are your tests?"
These are probably the only questions I hear from my parents. So much so that I practically ignore them now. I've never had a problem with keeping up my grades so I've never depended on my parents for ...academic support. I wrote about how I'd like to talk to them about more than just school. (Of course, what mom can say no to that? I know how to tug my mom's heart...)
I wish I could communicate better with my parents. I wonder if the kids who speak Mandarin (or Korean) to their parents have better relationships with them. I bet. Such a large barrier broken, just like it'd be easier for me to get to know someone who speaks English well than someone who speaks English poorly.
Every time I listen to John Mayer's "Stop This Train"...I always think about my parents. The idea that there will be a time when they will no longer be financially supporting with...food, shelter, school, and everything. Independence. Is that what I wanted?
Scary. Don't ever die, Mom and Dad.
I emailed my mom today. Apologizing for the crappy phone call I gave her yesterday and apologized for not calling home as much. I think I didn't call home for two weeks, and my parents tried calling me like 4 times. Albeit, all four times were before 9:30am and I was sleeping so I didn't pick up, they thought something happened to me or I had lost my phone. I was sort of just like..."really?" to them.
Although it seems like an exaggerated response, I guess I'll never understand being a parent until I'm a parent. So I sent her an email, apologizing, then asking why we never talk about stuff other than academics.
"How's school?"
"Are you busy?"
"What classes are you taking next quarter?"
"Are your classes hard?"
"When are your tests?"
These are probably the only questions I hear from my parents. So much so that I practically ignore them now. I've never had a problem with keeping up my grades so I've never depended on my parents for ...academic support. I wrote about how I'd like to talk to them about more than just school. (Of course, what mom can say no to that? I know how to tug my mom's heart...)
I wish I could communicate better with my parents. I wonder if the kids who speak Mandarin (or Korean) to their parents have better relationships with them. I bet. Such a large barrier broken, just like it'd be easier for me to get to know someone who speaks English well than someone who speaks English poorly.
Every time I listen to John Mayer's "Stop This Train"...I always think about my parents. The idea that there will be a time when they will no longer be financially supporting with...food, shelter, school, and everything. Independence. Is that what I wanted?
Scary. Don't ever die, Mom and Dad.
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