change

I've been thinking about the past year and wondering what measurable improvements I've made to my life that I'm proud of. In 2015, I accomplished a lot of "outward" things. I grew out my hair, I started dating, I was baptized, and I ran the Chicago marathon, I finished my first "working" year, and I've taken more red-eye flights than I remember.

However, when I mention it like that, it sounds like a great year. You can always tweak your story to sound interesting to others, but to you, to me? Do I feel like I accomplished a lot this year?

Which is why I've been thinking about measurable improvements. Maybe measurable improvements aren't even important. Maybe some years you walk backwards -- maybe life's paths aren't always straight, but in order to move forward, sometimes the path simply does take you backward.

But is there one thing that at the end of the year that I did, that I could say, I'm so happy I did that this year? I don't feel very different being a marathon finisher. I'm not sure long hair has had a positive or negative impact on me yet. I glad I finally got baptized, but faith is still something that I fight for, not one that comes from an outward act.

Maybe a good question to ask is, did you change this year? And, do you like how you've changed?

Perhaps for the past two years, I did change but I didn't like how I changed, but that's okay. Because I think that paved that path for me changing this year, and liking the change.

Change is tough, and I'm still extremely critical of myself and see my flaws everywhere, but despite all the mistakes, I think this year was a year in a direction that I'm pleased with, and I think that's more than I deserve.

sleepless

i'm not particular sure what caused my wake early this morning, but something did and now i'm up at 6am writing because my thoughts are so scattered-brained. i can't hold a thought very well and develop it in my mind -- honestly, perhaps i have had ADHD, no kidding. honestly, many times praying is so difficult for me for this particular reason. so I hope the writing helps, to be able to at least catch my own place in my thought and continue it.

i'm very lucky to have the friends i have. most days i'm unsure how it happened. i often (unhealthily) compare myself to the ones around me, and i don't think i'm as smart, clever, or as funny, or even more passionate about a single subject. in fact, often, my emotions from factors unrelated to our friendship can strongly affect how i act and feel, and of course, my face is an open book, that people can visibly see that something is bothering me, even someone who i've barely seen in the past two years read through me with a single look.

i've always found wearing my heart on my sleeve to be a certain curse. on one hand, i wish everyone wore their heart on their sleeve. i think intentions would be clearer, and people perhaps wouldn't play "the game" with each other. there would be less guessing to how the other person feels. this is largely in part of the reason why even hints of manipulation in people scare me, even the ability to lie well in a game such as mafia, simply because i cannot play this game. on the other hand, maybe it's a healthy thing sometimes to sort of take on the aura of another person, and forget about the nagging thoughts in your head, and take it easy for a night. to be able to say what you want to say, without fear of your face color changing with others don't take it the way you thought they would.

i turn twenty four on tuesday, although i had a celebration with some college friends tonight. usually numbers don't matter to me, you'd think after twenty one that you'd start counting in decades, twenty four feels special to me. perhaps i was born on the twenty-fourth, so the number seems strangely familiar and i've already associated myself with it before. of course, it was my go-to password number all these years before i started using password managers (which btw, if you don't use one, i highly recommend doing so).

i will say, that as someone who does unintentionally reveal emotion, the best moment is when i feel i don't have to hide. even if i don't hide successfully outside, i'm still trying because i don't want to be that negative nancy, affecting the entire group i'm in -- although i feel like i'm often guilty of that. sometimes that simply involves going home and being by myself. however, sometimes it means running to a close friend, almost like a safe house. perhaps that's why delaware draws such strong emotions from me, because i do see my delaware friends in that way, and wcec in that way. so much so, that sometimes there's more comfort in talking to a delaware friend (particularly wcec) i haven't talked to in a long time than someone i even interact with on a normal basis.

perhaps sometimes i run back too quickly, not fully engaging myself in a group. i did find fellowship difficult in college, and even now, i'll say that i'm the most detached from a fellowship than i've ever been -- not a good thing. this is to say that beloved (the church i attend) has one of the most selfless pastors i've ever seen, with people in their twenties and early thirties, yet i find myself unwilling to attend small groups some nights. honestly, no complaints about beloved. i'm so lucky to be able to attend a church like it and i can't expect a group to cater to my needs so intricately, so in this case, i think the responsibility really lies on me. perhaps i think i can live the christian life without community, even when it's so clear that i can't.

i'm twenty four and there's no more children's milk left to drink for me. it's time to be able to consume whole foods now. but i hate solutions like that too though: pick up yourself. grow up. there is truth in those statements, definitely. but there's no gentleness and grace. dear trusted reader, please pray for me that there would be a wholeness in my thoughts and a desire to engage myself. i will pray for you, at least the small amount of you who i think looks at this thing anymore. especially for you, my newly engaged friend. congratulations =].

hello

1. what do you do when you are face to face with your failure? the way i see it, there are three options -- we berate ourselves mercilessly, we pretend that the failure never happen, or pick ourselves up and try to learn from it, and keep moving on. my guess is that we've all done all three.

even as i'm writing this, i'm remembering my failures and i'm disappointed at myself for all the times i haven't done the "positive choice" and deriding myself yet again. even in our failures, there is grace, and even how we deal with our failures, there is grace upon grace.

2. something hit me so quickly on sunday when a man shared his testimony with me in humbleness and sheer honesty -- why? not to "humble-brag" or be "that" christian that confesses sins, but truly to serve, and to make those around him realize that god is not too good for our sins.

3. sometimes i think that things will just happen to me. the right moment will come and the right thoughts will come and the next great philosophy theory will fly out of my fingers and onto the screen. or, the right moment of inspiration will come, and my code's architecture will be beautiful and pristine. or, the moment will come where all the words i have to say to my loved ones around will, will be able to said in the ideal moment. i wait for those moments.

and perhaps sometimes those moments do happen, and things to come together nicely. but i think for the most part, that beautiful fruit will be from come from learning that i am not made to serve myself, but to serve a king.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?

oh the places you'll go

I remember in 8th grade when my parents let me bike to soccer practice for the first time. I took my cleats and shinguards and water and stuffed it into a knapsack and proudly rode off in my Kmart mountain bike for what seemed like so far away -- 2 miles.

Before that, I remember when I could only go to cul-de-sac two houses away, but then in 6th grade, when a new family moved in that our family became friends with, so I could walk all the way down the street to hang out with Dave.

After freshmen year of high school, Eddie and I wandered the streets of University of Delaware, but somehow came to the conclusion that Burger King was the best restaurant in all of Main street.

After miraculously landing a high school internship, Billy and I donned button up shirts for the first time, and I went out and bought a shiny new watch -- from CVS. We were sixteen year old boys, surrounded by suits.

Then senior year, our high school had enough trust in its NHS students to let them run loose through the streets of New York. The four of us thought we knew how to get around New York, but quickly were humbled by the fact that we didn't actually know what to see in NYC or really, where anything was. This was before everyone had smartphones. Unsurprisingly but also somewhat amazing, we did end up having a delicious and cheap meal in Chinatown.

I also convinced my dad that year to take me to visit UCLA. I already knew that I didn't want to go to the school -- it was too much money, and I didn't get in for engineering, but I convinced him anyway because I wanted to see Los Angeles.

Now, since those years, I've been in an airport more times than I count and could probably give my dad a run for his money with the times I've had a rental car and I'm not even 25. I pride myself on having visited so many major cities and being familiar with their streets and cultures. I don't consider myself a big spender when it comes to the everyday things, but when it comes to airplane tickets, perhaps my bank account isn't too pleased.

This is not to say anything about the importance of traveling (or the importance of staying somewhere), but really just to stop and remember. A lot of times I don't think I've come very far, and most days I wonder if I'm actually getting anything done. But today I want to remember that I've come a long way since that familiar cul-de-sac, within the reach of my mother's loving eyes. I'm still only 23, a long way from not only being independent but also having others depend on me, but we're slowly getting there.

bucket list check

• run a marathon

=)

things untold

the power of the love of God

written by the dearest tina choi

--

https://thethingsuntold.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/my-secret-becomes-my-story/

throw it all way

written by cs lewis, from "mere christianity"

--

But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away "blindly" so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up your self, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it.

Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.

the wonder of rain

written by john piper
--

But as for me, I would seek God, And I would place my cause before God; Who does great and unsearchable things, Wonders without number. He gives rain on the earth, And sends water on the fields. Job 5:8-10

If you said to someone: "My God does great and unsearchable things; He does wonders without number," and they responded, "Really? Like what?" would you say, "Rain"?

When I read these verses recently I felt like I did when I heard the lyrics to a Sonny and Cher song in 1969: "I'd live for you. I'd die for you. I'd even climb the mountain high for you." Even? I would die for you. I would even climb a high mountain for you? The song was good for a joke. Or a good illustration of bad poetry. Not much else.

But Job is not joking. "God does great and unsearchable things, wonders without number." He gives rain on the earth." In Job's mind, rain really is one of the great, unsearchable wonders that God does. So when I read this a few weeks ago, I resolved not to treat it as meaningless pop musical lyrics. I decided to have a conversation with myself (= meditation).

Is rain a great and unsearchable wonder wrought by God? Picture yourself as a farmer in the Near East, far from any lake or stream. A few wells keep the family and animals supplied with water. But if the crops are to grow and the family is to be fed from month to month, water has to come on the fields from another source. From where?

Well, the sky. The sky? Water will come out of the clear blue sky? Well, not exactly. Water will have to be carried in the sky from the Mediterranean Sea, over several hundred miles and then be poured out from the sky onto the fields. Carried? How much does it weigh? Well, if one inch of rain falls on one square mile of farmland during the night, that would be 27,878,400 cubic feet of water, which is 206,300,160 gallons, which is 1,650,501,280 pounds of water.

That's heavy. So how does it get up in the sky and stay up there if it's so heavy? Well, it gets up there by evaporation. Really? That's a nice word. What's it mean? It means that the water sort of stops being water for a while so it can go up and not down. I see. Then how does it get down? Well, condensation happens. What's that? The water starts becoming water again by gathering around little dust particles between .00001 and .0001 centimeters wide. That's small.

What about the salt? Salt? Yes, the Mediterranean Sea is salt water. That would kill the crops. What about the salt? Well, the salt has to be taken out. Oh. So the sky picks up a billion pounds of water from the sea and takes out the salt and then carries it for three hundred miles and then dumps it on the farm?

Well it doesn't dump it. If it dumped a billion pounds of water on the farm, the wheat would be crushed. So the sky dribbles the billion pounds water down in little drops. And they have to be big enough to fall for one mile or so without evaporating, and small enough to keep from crushing the wheat stalks.

How do all these microscopic specks of water that weigh a billion pounds get heavy enough to fall (if that's the way to ask the question)? Well, it's called coalescence. What's that? It means the specks of water start bumping into each other and join up and get bigger. And when they are big enough, they fall. Just like that? Well, not exactly, because they would just bounce off each other instead of joining up, if there were no electric field present. What? Never mind. Take my word for it.

I think, instead, I will just take Job's word for it. I still don't see why drops ever get to the ground, because if they start falling as soon as they are heavier than air, they would be too small not to evaporate on the way down, but if they wait to come down, what holds them up till they are big enough not to evaporate? Yes, I am sure there is a name for that too. But I am satisfied now that, by any name, this is a great and unsearchable thing that God has done. I think I should be thankful - lots more thankful than I am.

imagination and feelings

Sitting at work, but I wanted to jot this down before I forget.

I've never been able to recall how I felt in the past easily. Like, when a high schooler asks me for college application advice, I'm quicker to say, "Dude, you'll be fine," then really empathize about how frustrating that process can truly be and how I struggled with that too. Perhaps even more than remembering past events, trying to put yourself in another's shoes and let your mind wander and imagine how different that environment, if you weren't born in a suburban neighborhood, if you didn't grow up in a good school district, if you didn't grow up in an Asian household...etc.

I think both of these are incredibly important. There's something beautiful about a parent who can recall how it felt to be thirteen, eighteen, or twenty three that may completely change their attitude and tone towards their child.

same mistakes

I think one of my greatest fears is not moving forward, not growing or learning. There are so many lessons to learn, everyday even. Something small, like leaving the popcorn in the microwave too long  -- to something intangible, like increasing in love for others. Of course, it's not a big deal if you burn popcorn every time, it's just silly and so simple to fix. Just decrease the time you put on the timer and try again.

However, improving one's character is not so straight forward. Often, there might be many steps backward before there can be steps forward, but I don't want to become that old man ridden with bitterness.

I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want to look back ten years from now and find myself to exactly where I am now. I don't expect to be perfect, but I want to see fruit.

the little prince's rose

“People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for..."

"They don't find it," I answered.

"And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

"Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”

work gangs by carl sandburg

Box cars run by a mile long. And I wonder what they say to each other When they stop a mile long on a sidetrack.   Maybe their chatter goes: I came from Fargo with a load of wheat up to the danger line. I came from Omaha with a load of shorthorns and they splintered my          boards. I came from Detroit heavy with a load of flivvers. I carried apples from the Hood river last year and this year bunches of       bananas from Florida; they look for me with watermelons from               Mississippi next year. Hammers and shovels of work gangs sleep in shop corners when the dark stars come on the sky and the night watchmen walk and      look. Then the hammer heads talk to the handles, then the scoops of the shovels talk, how the day’s work nicked and trimmed them, how they swung and lifted all day, how the hands of the work gangs smelled of hope.  In the night of the dark stars when the curve of the sky is a work gang handle, in the night on the mile long sidetracks, in the night where the hammers and shovels sleep in corners, the night watchmen stuff their pipes with dreams— and sometimes they doze and don’t care for nothin’, and sometimes they search their heads for meanings, stories,                         stars.   The stuff of it runs like this: A long way we come; a long way to go; long rests and long deep sniffs           for our lungs on the way. Sleep is a belonging of all; even if all songs are old songs and the                  singing heart is snuffed out like a switchman’s lantern with the oil          gone, even if we forget our names and houses in the finish, the secret      of sleep is left us, sleep belongs to all, sleep is the first and last and          best of all.        People singing; people with song mouths connecting with song                       hearts; people who must sing or die; people whose song hearts                 break if there is no song mouth; these are my people.

beauty

If you ever see a great work of God,
Something joyous,
Alive and real,
Something of Christ,
Something that is Christ,
Something enduring,
Then you can be certain of one thing;
Some lonely saint,
Silent, alone,
Went to the cross
Suffered, died
And fell into the earth.
And for what did he die?
For that lovely harvest,
That work of God
Which you now see
And declare to be so beautiful.
There must be another day,
And another body of believers,
A day when someone else
Must fall into the earth
And die.
That someone may need be you.

Inward Journey, Gene Edwards

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

John 12:24-25

tbw: sparkle power

suppress

"The Christian faith recognizes that the soul-or some portion in the soul-needs to be dealt with. But how? If you seek to suppress the dark side of your soul, it will be suppressed, but only in that one place. You my a be sure that dark thing will come out in another part of your personality. There is a difference between the person that suppresses things and one who has been truly dealt with by the Lord."

alive

given my previous post, i figured i needed another post just to say i was alive.

i think i need to write again.

I'm going on a 10 day camping trip starting tomorrow, with no phone or internet access. Pray that the distance from technology would be good for me, and that I would be safe.

renewal

Renew my heart, Father. I don't want to just fight against desires, I want a heart that has no desire for them. I want a mind that seeks what you want and heeds your wisdom, Father. Renew my heart and mind and soul...

Help me see what children see. How is it that children seem to know something about life that wisest do not know? Children, who know nothing about money, power, or fame, know more about love than anyone else...

see

It's not that I don't like my job. I consider myself extremely lucky and fortunate to be where I am, at the company I am, and I think as long as I stay in Chicago, I'd like to stay with this company.

But a part of me wants to see more, experience more. I don't consider myself good with strangers at all or a good story teller, but I love listening to different people. A woman on the plane from San Antonio (not Austin, get that right), the apartment custodian in the elevator, and a pair of travelers driving around the US. Perhaps that doesn't require me to quit my job, but simply risk to see more.

topic i want to think about

gay marriage

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/27/us/supreme-court-same-sex-marriage.html

#relationshipgoals

from https://marielmadrid.wordpress.com/2015/05/21/relationship-goals/

"It’s absolutely fine to be motivated by others and to have aspirations – however don’t put people higher than they should be. Let them only strengthen you. Know we all have dark struggles, we all have mistakes made, things we wished we didn’t say, and terrifying moments. You will have to find your own, like it or not. Be open to how your time on this earth will unfold – if you are too busy trying to mold your life into somebody else’s you will miss the point. You will miss the beauty that was meant to be yours."

the judge

If you had to a list of all the sins I've ever committed in my life, I would be on my knees, sobbing in realization of how unworthy I am of anything. Imagine it -- a judge reading aloud all the accounts of sin in your life, with specific times, and the exact names of who was involved, and exactly what you did, down to your very thoughts and intentions. It would take months just to read every sin.

"Richard Chang. October 14, 2006, Hillsborough, New Jersey at Hillsborough Middle School, 9:30am. Committed the sin of  ______ to Jason Fxxx with clear intention of harm. Here is the transcript of their interaction, with their thoughts included."

Yet God has exactly this, and is able to see it so clearly, every last detail, in his mind. And because of what Christ did on the cross, he says, "clean." As long as we have faith like the woman in the crowd, to simply touch Jesus, then instantly, our list is cleared, and God, as an impartial judge, suddenly changes the verdict from eternally condemned to heirs of the kingdom.

Like...what? I just don't understand how that is possible. Yet it is true, and my sins are washed away.

Three months ago, I prayed that God would make me see my sin clearer. Perhaps the past few days, I've gotten that prayer answered clearly, to see how sinful I really am, and how badly I need Christ. I hope this lesson will stay with me, so that when I rise, it will be on Christ's wings and not by my own pride and actions because then I will come crashing down again.

I can't make that list clean, nor can I stop adding to that list. Yet I am free, because Christ sacrifice paid my sin once and for all.

selfishness

Who is God, here, rich?

Can you live in the mystery of a good God?

be you.

(inspired by a conversation with a brother)

You know what I fucking love? When you be you. When someone says, "Oh you don't like video games? That's cool. I love playing video games." Or, "You like hiking? The pictures look great, but it's just not for me."

And that's fine. That's awesome. People are different and different things appeal to everyone. That's not to say there's no room to change. Perhaps if you hate a certain race of people, it might be something I hope you can open your eyes to change.

But even if racism, maybe I'd rather some say, "I just don't like asian people," then have this passive aggressive attitude toward it. Because maybe if you speak up, you might realize how irrational your hatred is. Or perhaps, I might realize how rational it is. Who knows? Maybe if I lived in a place where every single Asian person was so stingy and oblivious to their surroundings (asian tourists ftL), then yes -- I'd probably have some issues. Maybe I already do.

But speak your mind and be you.

I hate it when people see something on Instagram and the thought goes from "Oh, that looks really neat" to "Oh, maybe if I do that I'll look cool too."

Can we eat meals and just enjoy them without showing them to the world? Can we enjoy nature, take trips and have good memories rather than worrying about likes?

Can I just be me and not see a social media profile to be able to call myself interesting and unique?

--

This post is simultaneous a pep talk for myself, and a glimpse of something I want to do for others in my life.

a year has passed.

Ever since junior year of college, I can't seem to keep track of the months. Winter and spring rush by and suddenly a year has passed. I must say, that it is a bit frightening to see a year fly by so quickly. But a year has passed since graduating, with all its failures and successes. I find myself so easily gravitating towards its failures and how I can improve, become the person I want to.

While there is a lot of good in motivation to be a better person, I think it's important to note little victories. I honestly was afraid for my faith coming out of college because it was not in a good place at the time. A year later, I'm still a sinner -- haha. However, I'm still learning more about myself and how to seek God more. As quick as I am to point fingers to my own life and find my own shortcomings, maybe it's good to pause and just praise God.

Despite my wavering and unfaithful love toward God, I can still say that I want to know Jesus more. I can say that Jesus is the most amazing man the walk this earth, and his sacrifice has freed us to be who were created to be. That despite my shortcomings, I can already say that I have victory in this fight, even if my heart doesn't feel like it some nights.

The fight is one to see the victory and live in it, but not one against sin.

the greener grass syndrome

I've written about this topic before, but I just wanted to post this. This was a short speech I put together when I was asked to give some advice to the graduating seniors of AAIV. It's something that I think applies to all walks of life, but has been so evident in my life and my friends as we left college a year ago.

--

I want to talk to you about what I like to call the greener grass syndrome. Some of you next year may be off the new jobs, new cities, more schooling, going home, maybe even staying here for another year. Some of you may be dreading when this school year ends and some of you may be so excited for your next steps.

Whatever it is, realize you are where God wants you to be. I'm only a year ahead of you guys. My friends this year have gone moved west coast for jobs, worked long hours during their gap year, my roommate finished his first year of med school, and I just finished my 10th month of work. Some went home to look for jobs. Some found them, some didn't.

You know what I noticed that all of these people have in common? Everyone wishes they were somewhere else. They see greener grass. My roommate looks at me and says, "Man, I wish I had a job." I look at him and think, "I wish I was in school, meeting new people." Then our friend at home looks at both of us and says, "I wish I was living in the city," and we look back at him and say, "I wish I had the time you had." And the gap year premeds wish they were in medical school already, and the medical students now wish they had taken a gap year.

I'm not saying "make the most of any situation." In fact, I'm not your situation "bad" at all. As christians, we can make more powerful claims than that -- that you are literally exactly where God wants you to be. Right here, right now, and you will be in a month and in a year. You are on the green grass that God has set for you, so stop looking at your neighbor's yard. Literally my smartest friend has probably applied to over 100 jobs now and hasn't gotten any offers. And I have many friends who have great jobs and are making much more than me. Your situation next year doesn't define you in the least bit.

It's so easy to look somewhere else though, right? I wish I was living in Seattle, where I can hike up mountain tops on weekends rather than staring at the Midwest's flat land. Or in California, where I can go outside in a sweater in the middle of the winter, rather than put on five layers in Chicago's brutal winter. I wish I was on the east coast, close to family. But when I think that I miss out on what God has in stored for me right here, right now. From the communities he wants me to engage, new places that I have yet to experience, to old places that I haven't finished their stories yet.


 God has put you exactly where he wants you to be, so find out why. Pray to him, and seek his joy wherever you are. The green grass is wherever you can find the peace of Christ. Congratulations, class of 2015, and I pray that this coming year you will fight to see why God has brought you to wherever you are going.

judgmental

Some days I feel so judgmental, and I hate it, but there's a reason why those pharisees were so blind right? They were so focused on doing the right things and looking good, that they missed it. They didn't even realize they missed it, even when Jesus called them out on it. In fact, they thought he was wrong and crucified him for it.

In that way, I almost envy those who have sinned gravely, because they know they are sinners! Not that I don't, but if you're the sickest person in the world, you are probably the person who wants to see a healer the most. But if you're healthy for the most part, seeing a doctor isn't a high priority.

But Romans says all have sinned and fall short! Yet, why is it to easy to be that worker that the vineyard owner hires early in the morning and think "how is this person who worked half as many hours as me deserve the same wages?"

Even when I write it, it just seems off.

But sigh -- grace is not earned. Wages are, but grace is not. Grace is freely given as a gift, because it cannot be earned. Walking in the light should be a delight and freeing, not a chore and hard labor -- not to say it is easy.

And I do love being freed...but why do I find myself silently judging others? Paul claims he is the worst of sinners. So does the writer, C.J. Mahaney, author of "Humility, True Greatness." Humility, unworthiness, and undeserved grace are at the heart of Christianity.

I pray that I will one day truly believe in those words -- that I am the worst of sinners, so that I may be humbled and seek God all the more.

thirty silver coins

FC wrote an email to the MD chain talking about Judas, how Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty silver coins. Then there's this moment where Judas realizes what he has done, how he has traded Jesus, the author of salvation, the creator of life, a sinless man, God incarnated...for thirty silver coins.

Which leads to the question -- would we do it? Maybe not thirty silver coins -- I'm not even sure how much that is worth in USD -- but something else? Ten million in the bank account? A beautiful girl or the perfect reputation? The most interesting instagram? What's my thirty silver coins?

It's so easy to say, yes, Jesus, I would give up everything for you if I could have you. I would sell everything I have and leave everything I know if I found that treasure in the field, yet when we extend that decision to making it every single day for day after day, and year after year, somehow we are unable to make that decision at all.

Well, maybe it'd be really nice to have a girlfriend and a job and be able to call myself a marathon finisher. A cozy apartment with nice furnishing wouldn't be too shabby either, and my best friends next to me, where I could drive to my parents house on weekdays for dinners. Oh, wouldn't it be nice to say that my kid went to Princeton?

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." 

IN HIS JOY, he gave up everything. It wasn't even a close decision. He didn't make a pro and con list of the decision, the treasure so outweighed everything he had that it was EASY.

What is blinding us, Father, from seeing the value of the kingdom of heaven? Why do I trade Jesus for thirty silver coins? I pray that I wouldn't make that mistake, Father...

fight, and pray for your fight

4/22/15

Father, grant me your power to fight, for my power is weak and my strength is dwindling, but You, Lord, are strong! Help me put on the full armor of God, so that I can stand up in these times of darkness. For there is mourning at night, but your joy comes in the morning, so may it come, and come ever so strongly. Grant me your joy, Father, grant me your peace.

I'm sick of seeing things for my glory and my entertainment. How do I teach myself that the path to joy is not one where I look inwardly and say what do I want, but it is one that I look outside of Jerusalem and say what do they need? Where is Christ at work and how can I be a part of that?

How can I tell myself that my joy is complete not when my bank account is full and my stomach is satisfied and my sexual desires are satiated, but when I see my Creator face to face. How do I teach myself this...without losing those things that I hold onto so tightly. I fear that I know the answer too well.

Catch me when I fall, Father, so I may rejoice in my sufferings to see You, father. 

Help me fight to see, Lord!

the older brother

"“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

As people who grew up in the church, how do we miss God's celebration and joy? How does the old brother, despite living so close to the Father, has his heart so far from his Father's? How do we fail to see God's glory in other's renewal?

How do Pharisee's who might "meditate on His law day and night," still miss it? They miss it when the Christ heals the sicks and makes the blind see -- how do we fail to see God's glory in other's healing? How do we miss out on his gladness and joy?

The bible talks about eyes that see and ears that hear, but it's pretty easy to recognize that they are not referring to our physical eyes and ears, because somehow the blind see it but the pharisees don't. The deaf can hear it yet Christ disciples don't (initially, at least).

Because Christ has come for those thirsting for something more, but it's hard to be thirsty when we live so comfortably and we mostly avoid sin. We go to church on Sundays and pray before meals. We might even read the bible and listen to sermons, yet our eyes are blinded, ears are deafened, and our hearts hardened.

"Whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst."

Make me thirsty, God. 

"You were made to see God."

once bitten, twice shy

"The moving walkway exit is approaching"

I see it a lot when I interview people and talk about vacation. They talk about how they are wound up and checking emails and sitting on the beach with their laptops. And their fear is: If I really stopped and let myself relax, I would crater. Because the truth is I’m exhausted, I’m disconnected from my partner, I don’t feel super connected to my kids right now. 

It’s like those moving walkways at the airport — you’ve got to really pay attention when you get off them, because it’s disorienting. And when you’re standing still, you become very acutely aware of how you feel and what’s going on in your surroundings. A lot of our lives are getting away from us while we’re on that walkway.

Lillian Cunningham, from the Washington Post

man...

amanda hagelstein

http://6abc.com/news/woman-killed-in-newark-hit-and-run/549504/

interesting

Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.

CS Lewis

just gotta work once

childlike faith

Overthinking is a dangerous thing at times -- sometime's faith isn't suppose to be this compicated. The "all or nothing" concept in the Christian faith is prevalent throughout the bible, notably some harsh verses criticizing "lukewarm" Christians.

Am I lukewarm? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I don't think it's because I don't pray enough or read my bible enough, but it's because this underlying doubt that there's something better than God out there.

Something.

A child simply clings to his father and mother has no doubt that they love him the most. They're all in, yet they're not pulling off different feats of faith every other day. They simply know that there's nothing better.

And somewhere in my mind, I know that to be true too, but my heart isn't so sure.

good (sleepless) vibes this morning

from mr rogers

http://www.dartmouth.edu/~news/releases/2002/june/060902c.html

jetlag still has the best of me

"That sounds like self-doubt more than anything."

hammer on the nail.

home

This trip to Taipei was one worth while, even if I couldn't say much to my grandparents, I'm not sure if there will be another time where all 13 members of the family will be present. I was annoyed for the first half of the trip just because we had back to back to back (etc) meals with family members or friends, and I could barely do my own thing or even converse. But the more I got to hangout with my cousins, I think the better the trip became.

However, maybe there's something wrong with me, but I'm happy to be back in Chicago's single digit weather -- feels like home.

fashion in taipei

I've been exploring Taipei with my cousin this trip, and one of the things that we try to do in our conversations is guess where someone is from. I seem to clearly stand out like an American. Today, on a hiking trail, a woman's water bottle was rolling away from her but towards me. I picked and handed it to her and she paused briefly before responding with a curt and accented, "Thank you!" Even without putting too much thought into how I dress, others can tell with a quick glance that at the very least, I'm not from Taipei.

My cousin has more experience with looking into different types of fashion and admits that he has embraced a Japanese and Bay-Area mix of fashion. He quickly is able to determine certain groups of people -- "They are definitely from Japan, you can tell by the hair and the tops they wear."

To be honest, I've never put much thought into how people dress or keenly looked for it in the streets of Chicago (maybe because everyone is looking straight down to avoid the wind on their face). On one hand, I'm interested -- it's a way of presenting who you are to someone. I wonder what type of style I would choose.

But I also wonder is it something even worth pursuing. Lots of time and money would be used to invest in clothes -- would that be better invested in something else? I fear the fixation on individualism is not healthy one.

For the record, I think  I'd go for a more skater/cali style. Not sure how that flies by at work though.

honesty

One of the most valuable things that I learned during my time attending church at New Community was the power of honesty. I always appreciated the honesty that Pastor Peter presented to us.

As much as I think I'm too serious at times and I want to be more childlike in my faith and in my lifestyle, I don't want to present a false view of myself. In this day and age where social media is king, it's so easy to only show the highlight reel of your life. Something about that just doesn't swing right with me, so maybe the only part of social media I actively pursue is blogging.

As much I want to be godly, humble, fun, loving, fit, smart -- I don't want to pretend that the pains of loneliness, the memories of rejection, the hardship of adapting to a work environment, and the lessons learned from moving into the city, the struggles I have with lust, and transition of graduating college -- these things all come packaged with me. These things are all a part of me, good and bad.

I post less when I'm down or sad because I don't want to present that side of me -- because I don't want to discourage readers, but maybe that's exactly what I should do. Not to bring others down, but to show that people fall to. I appreciate those self-loathing jokes because they sort of allow a way for you to own your own shortcomings, but some people, myself included, haven't come that far yet. And our weak spots are still weak. These are things that we don't see on social media.

One of my favorite Pastor Peter quotes is this:

Whenever Christians tell a story of hardship, they always wrap it up with a bowtie. 'Bill and I are having so many struggles with marriage that we don't know if we can make it...BUT...God is showing us grace everyday,' and the entire congregation sighs. Sometimes I wish that people would show up and just say 'We hate each other. We want to kill each other,' and nothing else.

I believe in reason for hardship, plans to prosper, not to hurt us. I'd love for everyone to own their shortcomings but until then, teach us to pray, God.

Maybe this post is all too relevant as Valentines Day lingers ahead of us.

write something before sleep

Trying a lot of new things this year...which I think is a good thing.

1. growing out the hair

Manbun. Whatever you want to call it. I want to say that I thought about it first, then discovered there was this rising cultural trend of it...but whatever. I guess I benefit from the fact that there are so many videos out there that sort of have "tips and tricks." Why do I want to grow out my hair? My initial thought was that I've never had a hair cut that I like for an extended period of time. Either I get my haircut and I like it a lot, then a week later, the sides are too long or something..or the top is too long etc etc. I think it'd be cool to just pull everything back, nothing sticks out from the top or the side.

Too bad that's like over a year away from getting hair that long, and I still have to hit the "awkward" phase. TBH...feel like I'm already in the awkward phase and I'm only 2 months in ='[.

Whatever. I want to try this. Guess I shouldn't go for job interviews in the next many many months. Hopefully my employer doesn't hate me.

2. no shampoo hair

Another hair one. I know. This is probably horribly timed with the growing out of the hair, or maybe awesomely timed. Idk. It hasn't been that big of a deal. I'm using some "natural remedies" to keep my hair clean. I'll admit, this one was more #yoloswag. I've done short time periods of it and liked it someone but never stuck with it. I think now I've done this for a month now and hasn't really been much of an issue. Using baking soda as shampoo is a little weird and breaking out apple cider vinegar as conditioner makes it smell like I'm freaking eating a salad in the shower, but so far not bad.

3. climbing

Took the splurge on a $100/month climbing gym membership. Heard about this new gym opening up from a coworker and wanted to check it out. And I was getting really lazy with my normal gym membership..and by super lazy I mean I hadn't gone in the entire month of January. So I cancelled that membership. Idk...just got bored of weightlifting, and there were safety concerns with squats and deadlifts....but that's probably not why I stopped going. Just got boring.

Climbing is cool because it's a fun work out...and it's pretty hard. And I think it's a good way to meet people. Or if not meet people, not stay at home and go on reddit all day. Now I go climb, then I go do that. I primarily boulder, which has paths rated from v0 to v9, v0 being the easiest. After 4 times of going, I can do some v1s and I did one v2. So I'm a big noob. But maybe that's a good thing, because that just means I have a long way to go.

--

Things I'm still trying to do which aren't very new is pray and write (hello!). Mike moved out this past Saturday, so things are little quieter with just Nick and I around. Three is truly a crowd. But I think that will push me more to go out of my comfort zone...and I kind of like my new room set up too =D.

Somethings I still want to try, but haven't really started yet. Playing drums for church of beloved...still thinking about this one. ...hm that's probably the one that's been most active on my mind.

Leaving for Taiwan this Saturday. Pray I won't waste it a way being boring at home and getting in arguments with my parents.

2015

Crazy, that a month has flown by already. I swear, part of me still feels like I'm on a summer internship and there just happens to be really strange weather. I think for a while I really wanted to put high quality posts on here, so I began to create an editting time for posts where I would revise them and try to be more succinct and have stronger arguments...and evidently, none of those posts saw the light of my blog, so here I am. Well, that was one NYR I'll quickly erase off my list and not try again =).

Per usual, I'm having my quarter-life crises thoughts, thinking about what I am doing and what I ought to do, and questioning what year I'll have a valentines date. Oh well. My job has been going great. When I started out I didn't know what I was doing and I had no idea what I should know. Now, I still have no idea what I'm doing but I have a better idea of what I should do. Positive steps...

I'll cut the semi-serious sarcasm now. Being 23 has been strange. Not only strange because I still like the number 22 more (thanks Taylor Swift), but I have no idea what I should be doing. Everything seems odd to me. On weekends I stay in, sometimes I'm like..man maybe I really should be at a bar, meeting new people, dancing, heck maybe even introducing myself to a girl. But last night I did go to a bar, and I had fun, but I couldn't help but feeling a little out of place. A bar is not really my comfort zone, nor do I want it to be? Other weekends, I'll do stuff straight out of high school. Drive out of the city into my friends' houses in the suburbs and spend the night watching sports and playing videos and some ping pong. And again, it's a lot of fun but it's strange playing a game that I learned in 8th grade and play again when I'm 23.

But I read into things too much. In both situations I'm happy to have spent the time with the people I was with, old and new friends.

Also been having more conversations about faith with my roommate which is both so scary and so interesting at the same time. Making me think about my faith more, both from a logical stand point but from a point of why do I believe. And what do I do about that.

Ok this crappy post will do for my first post of 2015. Hello.