"That sounds like self-doubt more than anything."

hammer on the nail.

home

This trip to Taipei was one worth while, even if I couldn't say much to my grandparents, I'm not sure if there will be another time where all 13 members of the family will be present. I was annoyed for the first half of the trip just because we had back to back to back (etc) meals with family members or friends, and I could barely do my own thing or even converse. But the more I got to hangout with my cousins, I think the better the trip became.

However, maybe there's something wrong with me, but I'm happy to be back in Chicago's single digit weather -- feels like home.

fashion in taipei

I've been exploring Taipei with my cousin this trip, and one of the things that we try to do in our conversations is guess where someone is from. I seem to clearly stand out like an American. Today, on a hiking trail, a woman's water bottle was rolling away from her but towards me. I picked and handed it to her and she paused briefly before responding with a curt and accented, "Thank you!" Even without putting too much thought into how I dress, others can tell with a quick glance that at the very least, I'm not from Taipei.

My cousin has more experience with looking into different types of fashion and admits that he has embraced a Japanese and Bay-Area mix of fashion. He quickly is able to determine certain groups of people -- "They are definitely from Japan, you can tell by the hair and the tops they wear."

To be honest, I've never put much thought into how people dress or keenly looked for it in the streets of Chicago (maybe because everyone is looking straight down to avoid the wind on their face). On one hand, I'm interested -- it's a way of presenting who you are to someone. I wonder what type of style I would choose.

But I also wonder is it something even worth pursuing. Lots of time and money would be used to invest in clothes -- would that be better invested in something else? I fear the fixation on individualism is not healthy one.

For the record, I think  I'd go for a more skater/cali style. Not sure how that flies by at work though.

honesty

One of the most valuable things that I learned during my time attending church at New Community was the power of honesty. I always appreciated the honesty that Pastor Peter presented to us.

As much as I think I'm too serious at times and I want to be more childlike in my faith and in my lifestyle, I don't want to present a false view of myself. In this day and age where social media is king, it's so easy to only show the highlight reel of your life. Something about that just doesn't swing right with me, so maybe the only part of social media I actively pursue is blogging.

As much I want to be godly, humble, fun, loving, fit, smart -- I don't want to pretend that the pains of loneliness, the memories of rejection, the hardship of adapting to a work environment, and the lessons learned from moving into the city, the struggles I have with lust, and transition of graduating college -- these things all come packaged with me. These things are all a part of me, good and bad.

I post less when I'm down or sad because I don't want to present that side of me -- because I don't want to discourage readers, but maybe that's exactly what I should do. Not to bring others down, but to show that people fall to. I appreciate those self-loathing jokes because they sort of allow a way for you to own your own shortcomings, but some people, myself included, haven't come that far yet. And our weak spots are still weak. These are things that we don't see on social media.

One of my favorite Pastor Peter quotes is this:

Whenever Christians tell a story of hardship, they always wrap it up with a bowtie. 'Bill and I are having so many struggles with marriage that we don't know if we can make it...BUT...God is showing us grace everyday,' and the entire congregation sighs. Sometimes I wish that people would show up and just say 'We hate each other. We want to kill each other,' and nothing else.

I believe in reason for hardship, plans to prosper, not to hurt us. I'd love for everyone to own their shortcomings but until then, teach us to pray, God.

Maybe this post is all too relevant as Valentines Day lingers ahead of us.

write something before sleep

Trying a lot of new things this year...which I think is a good thing.

1. growing out the hair

Manbun. Whatever you want to call it. I want to say that I thought about it first, then discovered there was this rising cultural trend of it...but whatever. I guess I benefit from the fact that there are so many videos out there that sort of have "tips and tricks." Why do I want to grow out my hair? My initial thought was that I've never had a hair cut that I like for an extended period of time. Either I get my haircut and I like it a lot, then a week later, the sides are too long or something..or the top is too long etc etc. I think it'd be cool to just pull everything back, nothing sticks out from the top or the side.

Too bad that's like over a year away from getting hair that long, and I still have to hit the "awkward" phase. TBH...feel like I'm already in the awkward phase and I'm only 2 months in ='[.

Whatever. I want to try this. Guess I shouldn't go for job interviews in the next many many months. Hopefully my employer doesn't hate me.

2. no shampoo hair

Another hair one. I know. This is probably horribly timed with the growing out of the hair, or maybe awesomely timed. Idk. It hasn't been that big of a deal. I'm using some "natural remedies" to keep my hair clean. I'll admit, this one was more #yoloswag. I've done short time periods of it and liked it someone but never stuck with it. I think now I've done this for a month now and hasn't really been much of an issue. Using baking soda as shampoo is a little weird and breaking out apple cider vinegar as conditioner makes it smell like I'm freaking eating a salad in the shower, but so far not bad.

3. climbing

Took the splurge on a $100/month climbing gym membership. Heard about this new gym opening up from a coworker and wanted to check it out. And I was getting really lazy with my normal gym membership..and by super lazy I mean I hadn't gone in the entire month of January. So I cancelled that membership. Idk...just got bored of weightlifting, and there were safety concerns with squats and deadlifts....but that's probably not why I stopped going. Just got boring.

Climbing is cool because it's a fun work out...and it's pretty hard. And I think it's a good way to meet people. Or if not meet people, not stay at home and go on reddit all day. Now I go climb, then I go do that. I primarily boulder, which has paths rated from v0 to v9, v0 being the easiest. After 4 times of going, I can do some v1s and I did one v2. So I'm a big noob. But maybe that's a good thing, because that just means I have a long way to go.

--

Things I'm still trying to do which aren't very new is pray and write (hello!). Mike moved out this past Saturday, so things are little quieter with just Nick and I around. Three is truly a crowd. But I think that will push me more to go out of my comfort zone...and I kind of like my new room set up too =D.

Somethings I still want to try, but haven't really started yet. Playing drums for church of beloved...still thinking about this one. ...hm that's probably the one that's been most active on my mind.

Leaving for Taiwan this Saturday. Pray I won't waste it a way being boring at home and getting in arguments with my parents.

2015

Crazy, that a month has flown by already. I swear, part of me still feels like I'm on a summer internship and there just happens to be really strange weather. I think for a while I really wanted to put high quality posts on here, so I began to create an editting time for posts where I would revise them and try to be more succinct and have stronger arguments...and evidently, none of those posts saw the light of my blog, so here I am. Well, that was one NYR I'll quickly erase off my list and not try again =).

Per usual, I'm having my quarter-life crises thoughts, thinking about what I am doing and what I ought to do, and questioning what year I'll have a valentines date. Oh well. My job has been going great. When I started out I didn't know what I was doing and I had no idea what I should know. Now, I still have no idea what I'm doing but I have a better idea of what I should do. Positive steps...

I'll cut the semi-serious sarcasm now. Being 23 has been strange. Not only strange because I still like the number 22 more (thanks Taylor Swift), but I have no idea what I should be doing. Everything seems odd to me. On weekends I stay in, sometimes I'm like..man maybe I really should be at a bar, meeting new people, dancing, heck maybe even introducing myself to a girl. But last night I did go to a bar, and I had fun, but I couldn't help but feeling a little out of place. A bar is not really my comfort zone, nor do I want it to be? Other weekends, I'll do stuff straight out of high school. Drive out of the city into my friends' houses in the suburbs and spend the night watching sports and playing videos and some ping pong. And again, it's a lot of fun but it's strange playing a game that I learned in 8th grade and play again when I'm 23.

But I read into things too much. In both situations I'm happy to have spent the time with the people I was with, old and new friends.

Also been having more conversations about faith with my roommate which is both so scary and so interesting at the same time. Making me think about my faith more, both from a logical stand point but from a point of why do I believe. And what do I do about that.

Ok this crappy post will do for my first post of 2015. Hello.