The foot injury that won't go away...

sigh...

Looking into getting an MRI...$$$$$$$$$

Somehow I get injured every year in college

fools think they are wise...

and the wise think they are fools.

pastor peter today

Suffering doesn't change you - it simply reveals who you really are.

bleh

I don't know. A good time to me has never be defined by the amount of alcohol consumed. I'm not being legalistic or goody-two-shoes -- I'm 21 now and I can and do drink alcohol.

But there are so many more things than bars and clubs that I consider a good time.

Seems like that is whats ahead of graduation though.

sleep deprived

The past two days have been a bad combination of circumstance and laziness that force me to wake up early and do homework.

For the first time in a long time, I remember what it was like to be sleep deprived. I've slept 5 hours in the past two nights and I'm struggling to get through my day right now. I used to do this for entire quarters freshmen and sophomore year. No wonder I'd be dying to go home, just to get some rest.

It's 5:19pm, and all I want to do is get out of this meeting and onto the bus home -- to sleep.

good morning

Slept around midnight last night, and I think I started dozing off early from the double portions of Chipotle as a result of the BOGO deal. On that note, sour cream and lettuce doesn't bear well in taste from the microwave.

Some life adjustments I've made in the past week - I bought an programmable coffee maker to essentially encourage myself to wake up. I basically use it as my alarm clock, and it's been working -- sorta. Better than other alarms I've used, I suppose. I always have enjoyed a cup of coffee anyway, but I'm quickly realizing coffee isn't as cheap as I thought it would be.

In addition, I put my nightstand on top of my normal table to form a makeshift standing desk. Although, I think this has made me more eager to work when I'm using my this desk, I get quickly get tired of standing up and then go laying-desk -- my bed, which proceeds to make me do nothing and makes me sleepy, a wonderfully dangerous combination.

Nevertheless, I've been eating out a lot this past week, partially because I've been too lazy to cook and also because my canker sore is finally healed, it's good to eat again.

...I think mostly because I've been lazy though. But I really need to learn to cook consistently. Not only does it save money, but ever since an old friend began housing a homeless man, I've begun wonder to how can we simply? I'm a terribly cheap giver, and an unhappy one at that. But I thoughtlessly drop $10 on a lunch here and a dinner there, yet I struggle to give a mere dollar to church, to causes, to the homeless. Definitely something I'm not proud of.

I'm reminded of Ghandi's saying -- "Live simply so others can simply live."

billy

http://www.nj.com/middlesex/index.ssf/2014/02/kean_student_who_was_beaten_to_death_remembered_as_laid-back_rutgers_sports_fan.html

I haven't seen/talked to Billy in years, but fuck this sits uneasily with me.

1. learn to be faithful in the little actions.

content

I'm always dreaming of more. Constantly, I tell myself to look forward -- when this canker sore goes away, I'm going to sit down and enjoy a juicy set of wings, and I'll be more open to conversation. When this foot heals, I'll go snowboarding. When I get a more long term apartment, I'll clean everything up and make my home cozy and well-kept. When I get an income, I'll start taking care of my finances.

There's two things I really need to learn. One, to stop waiting on things to do things. "When I's" are not good.

Second, when I actually accomplish something, to appreciate it and be content. From where I was last quarter to where I am this quarter? Be joyful.

night

I should really sleep after midnight. Nothing good ever happens after midnight, as of recent.

Maybe blog posts, but that's it.

on repeat

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You

Change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I'll go where You will lead me Lord

there are hands only you can hold.

canker

The canker sore on my tongue is stalling. I don't want to talk to people because of the pain speaking acuses and I sound like Mike Tyson. Or, if I don't sound like Mike Tyson, then it probably hurts a lot to speak, because I'm hitting my tongue a lot.

Please go away, canker sore...

Sometimes the loudest action is no action at all. Pretending to not see someone or not greeting a visitor - these things say "You're invisible to me."

I think awkwardness is better than that message.

man

i'm bad at this aren't i.

even now.

new com today

Stolen from Pastor Peter....

A cynic and a servant see the same problem, but one complains and the other acts.

trust issues.

sigh

(morning post? This might be a first.)

Last night's Focus really reminded me of what I was so passionate about two years ago. You know what creates community? Reckless vulnerability, reckless love, and the humility to do it all.  And yes, sigh, this totally goes against my actions of my post in "secrets" -- I know.

At the same time, if you want to do Christian community, you have to (try to) do it right. A part of me dies when I hear that "AAIV is just a frat." Sometimes, I think that if we operated like frat, a lot of the social things we do would be a lot easier. But we're not, and we shouldn't aim to be. Frats choose -- we don't (or we shouldn't). In fact, if we did things the way Jesus did, we would especially choose those would didn't have their shit together. Also, we don't sell an awesome group of people or an awesome community.

We sell our sins, and share our redemption.

Sigh. I still think AAIV has these problems largely in part that we're too big. But I don't know.

be kind

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

The quote I'm reminded of tonight.

tonight

You know those moments that you wait forever for? Those conversations that you wonder when they'll happen?

Thankful for tonight.