wo men renshi yixia, ba?

I desire to talk.

Maybe writing puts words down for many readers to see and maybe it even immortalizes what I say, since maybe someday when I'm much older or dead, but google still maintains this database (which is a whole another discussion, since all this tech talk about google's new direction with their choice in shutting down reader), but what does that matter to me. If people talk about me when I'm dead, oh well, I'm dead. And if they don't, I'm dead anyway.

But talking is a constant that will never change (I hope. It would be a sad day if we become so wired that the next generations do not have a face to face conversation anymore. Even I will admit that, though sometimes I fear these conversations.)

I daresay "good company" is a priceless commodity, more valuable than anything that you can buy. I daresay that a pair of folk walking down a path in old clothes and chit-chatting have more in that moment than a man dressed in an armani suit racing down a highway in an audi r8.

I remember going jetskiing. Jetskiing is an odd leisure activity to go with your friends to do. One wouldn't think of it that way, until you realize that you can't get too close to each other on the water (because dangers with how jetskis operate), and they are really loud, so basically the 1 hour rental of jetskis that we had, we didn't talk to each other. Of course, we communicated through head nods and such, but verbal communication suddenly being shut off was odd. Especially since we all went as good friends.

My point in this post is not only to point to the importance and joy that God has granted us to be in community with each other, but also point to my own weakness. A fear, and I admit, a weakness I have, to sharing my thoughts and a fear that I will sit next to someone silent, with nothing to say.

So I resort to comfortably eating alone. Or solely talking to school friends who, because we are all in the same classes, there is always at least something to talk about, even if it is a computer science topic.

And therefore, not trying at all. So apologies to those I've pushed away. Sincere, deep apologies.

Here's to trying, taking risks, and breaking borders, and seeing shalom occur in md, in hinmen, in aaiv, at northwestern, and on earth. What good is writing and blogging when the conversation never goes further than a reader's eyes?

late night reads

http://deadspin.com/enough-already-with-military-family-reunions-as-halftim-463992330

"My own two brothers did a total of three tours in Afghanistan and Qatar, and during those months my parents and I were consigned to that limbo where every casualty on the news, every bomb and every body, arrives as there-but-for-the-grace-of-God. You lower your head for the dead and on the same breath give thanks that it was someone else's brother this time. When they get home, an entire category of fear falls out of your daily life. In that way, war stops being personal."

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Holy spirit, come, for I don't know what words to speak or say.

piper

During this age in which the sinfulness of the human heart remains even among God's people, and in which the temptation to self-exaltation and self-sufficiency is relentless, God has appointed that his servants tremble with a profound sense of insufficiency so that we will never forget that it is God's power and not man's wisdom which creates and sustains saving faith.

goals for tomorrow

get horizontal drivers license
run
read
get started on bernards website

--

things to think about:

small group vision
worship team?
men's den
housing search
necessary talks w/ lv

the word.

home

The best feeling from working out is the feeling of accomplishment afterwards. It's undeniable. It's rest earned. Because rest is not rest without work.

I'm not sure what point I'm trying to get across this post. I think I did work this past winter quarter. I think I tried harder in CS than I've ever tried. Strangely enough, corners were still cut and I'm still wondering how anyone actually does the CS curriculum while maintaining sleep and a life. 

And it feels good. To say that I tried really hard in algorithms (okay, I could've tried harder, but I tried harder in that class than in discrete math). But still, there seems to be something missing.

One thing I miss about sophomore year is the passion I had. Although my understanding of the gospel has improved this past year definitely, my passion last year was...illogical. Reckless. It didn't make sense. How badly I wanted to see a better community within AAIV (given that I probably valued community too much), but I wanted it and I sought after it. 

It reminds me of new Christian, although they may not understand the gospel as closely as a someone who has been a Christian for a longer period of time, they're passion is undeniable. They've tasted and seen that He is good and they just want more, and they is something so beautiful in that. And they dream big.

Recently, I read Kerri's post, and I am guilty of "intellectualizing the shit out of everything." I don't want to write on my opinions of this aspect of AAIV or how I feel about this approach to doing XYZ. Too much talk. Not enough doing.

I remember when the Knettlers came to talk at WCEC about ...themselves. They planted our Delaware church and then now they're off in Africa planting a church. I remember them saying, "We...don't really know anything. Neither of us have been to seminary. We simply trust." 

Taking risks and trusting in God s how we are suppose to live, if we do anything else, we are putting our trust in something else. We cannot serve two masters.

So I pray, for my scared self, to trust God more and take risks. To talk to strangers. To talk to people I wouldn't normally talk to, to take risks with people I wouldn't normally take risks with, to not fear awkwardness, or tiredness. To not fear rejection or failure. 

Only then will rest become rest, and God become God over my life. 

I don't know if this post made sense.

stop being a kid, rich.

i've lost my inspiration to study tonight. well, i lost it around 6 hours ago.

here's to hoping tomorrow will be more productive.

algorithms, i will learn you.

"You make me holy, Lord," weeped the knelt man beside me.

dry

Ever since I've gone through my networking tcp project and garbage collection for PL, I've felt this dryness in my life. I'm not sure if dryness is purely a Christian term, but basically something in my heart that longs for more.

Then there was another huge issue that surprisingly passed by quickly, then the entire deal with "cspros," ....and just a lot of things that led me running to the wrong places for rest. for peace.

I'm just reminded from Pastor Peter, then when your prayers don't seem to be answered, maybe it's because granting your prayers would be worse for you.

For example, if I'm chasing after GOOD THINGS...but things that are not completely reliable, things like girls, grades, status, reputation, even parent's approval...all these things are good in nature, but they cannot be my source. They cannot be the first in my life. And while I've listed these things already, I didn't make a list of random things off the top of my head, but rather these are things that I do struggle with. Currently.

i can taste the end

Chronologically...

1.Friday - Algorithms problem set
2.Wednesday - Networking problem set
3.Thursday - HCI project
4.Thursday - Algorithms problem set
5.Thursday- Routing Lab
6.Friday - Type setting project
7.Monday - Networking Final
8.Tuesday - Algorithms Final
9.Wednesday - HCI Final

10. Saturday - go home.

two quora answers

Question: How should a 22 year old invest time?
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Robert Wagner
Network. Middle- and lower-class people do not understand most jobs are filled through contacts, not recruiters. If you are in tech, move to SV or SF, find ways to rub elbows with decision makers. Join boards of non-profits. Get invited to private clubs. Make yourself known by conducting information interviews of decision makers.

Become an expert by writing magazine articles and speaking at conventions. Don't worry about getting paid. You are doing it for image, not money. You will be amazed at the unsolicited job offers you will get.

Volunteer to help companies where you would like to work. Your goal is networking and recognition of your name. Make sure your work is excellent else this can backfire.

Work for well-known companies. It does not matter what you do. Name recognition reassures hiring managers. If you were hired by X, you must be a good risk.

Treat your personal brand as a product you are developing. Have a written plan with deadlines. Read books on how to develop it. Do something proactive every day, no matter how small.

You are competing with a million other 22-year-olds. If you do the same things they do, your results will be the same. Do not wait for life to happen to you; make things happen for you.
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Neal Wu
Make friends as opposed to networking. Your friends will go a lot further than the professional contacts you make, especially since only one of the two groups is invested in your personal happiness.

Become an expert by learning as much as you can and deeply seeking out the things you are curious about. Find the things you enjoy and practice the skills you want to develop. If you can achieve expertise then it will be easy to obtain an audience.

Volunteer to help out those less fortunate than you. In the process you will gain a ton of new perspective and will better understand other people's real problems. In a society that always looks upward, those can be easy to forget.

Become as independent as possible. Even if you work at a big company, constantly make small steps to reduce your dependence on your job. Write a book, build an app, or start a small business on the side. Release your inner entrepreneur.

Don't spend too much time worrying about your personal brand.Accomplish things, and the recognition will follow.

Stop treating life as a competition and do things for their own sake.Genuine interest should be what drives you to improve yourself, rather than simply a desire to beat others. Find a community of people who are interested in the things you are, and drive each other to be the best you can be.

be still and know that I AM GOD.

at water's edge

There's something beautiful in realizing how small we truly are.

One of my favorite psalms (and probably also many others' favorites) is Psalm 23.
"He leads me beside quiet waters."

What is something that makes Chicago a unique city?
What is something that makes Northwestern a unique campus?

Lake Michigan.

I wasn't even present in this picture, but I love it. Featuring Moobs, Crystal, and Franklin

Why does this lake bring me so much comfort?

Maybe how I can't even make even a single wave stop or start, yet this vast expanse of water seems to do both so effortlessly.

Possibly the fact that nothing I can do will ever change this water - that this lake has been this way before my grandparent's time and will remain so after my grandchildren pass away.

It's either infinitely scary or infinitely relieving knowing the truth that we are not in control.

hard reboot

I rested this past weekend. Which of course, for me means installing a new OS and tweaking it around. I'm proudly running on Ubuntu 12.10 right now. A little battery hungry for me, but I'm enjoying the different workspaces and the terminal access.

(edit: removed. i went to win8. lol)

I mulled a lot this weekend.

I think mulling is like negative way of saying meditating on. 

I should be meditating on the love of God, rather than mulling over this issue that has been trapped in my mind.

I pray for peace.

song of this quarter

"I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Matthew 28:20

God grant me wisdom.