disputes

Ephesians 4:26
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

This is why the Bible tells you to not let problems fester and sit around. Problems don't simply disappear with time. They grow in the minds of the beholder. I've been contemplating what went down for many months and I expect that he did the same. This whole time, he's had a certain thought about what went wrong and how to fix it. But, when I hear what he's been contemplating all this time, it's totally off from what I've been thinking. 


What he's been thinking about is not the reason we're not "reconciled." At least, I think. Then again, how can you tell if a person is right? Will being right even be the winner here? Winning arguments does nothing but make one person feel like shit and the other superior. 


But this is not proving one person right or wrong. This is a compatibility issue. To me at least, I don't know about him.

Do you invest in someone you know you are incompatible with? But I guess I don't know. Well, I think I know. 

incompatible

I think it's a problem with him.

He think it's a problem with me.

I said, mostly, what I wanted to say though, which is better than leaving things unsaid.

i need you, God

talking to JN now.

today

Not much on my mind. Went to Dave&Buster's today. Always fun and good to see AAIV outside of the campus with school off our minds, even if it meant going with people I'm not as familiar with. Brought home a poker chip set. lol.

Talked to IF about leadership positions at his IV. He mentioned that the type of thing we had in high school was rare. That super-type guy group, that is. That not many people had that in high school and looked for it in college. That was the "college experience," making lifelong friends, etc. I guess that's why so many guys join fraternities.

But I don't know. Is it rare? For second generation Christian Asians? Or even just second generation Asians? Although a good amount of people have never experienced a true tight fellowship, I feel like a good amount have. I agree with IF though and our group. The three of us can chill. Or I can chill with them individually, no sweat. I can't say that about a lot of other groups.

Want to think more, say more about this topic, but roommate has come back from bathroom to sleep. So sleep.

thought

Money spent on food is the most unselfish (unless you are eating alone in expensive places).

Often, I see it as money wasted. "I should've eaten out less this quarter." And not saying this isn't true. I think many people can avoid eating out so much.

But all the other money I spend is on myself. Only if you truly care about (or want to care about) the people you're eating with, would you pay for an overpriced meal and forgo your dining hall meal.

Or you could be really rich and hate dining food. Both sides I guess.

Whole selfish/unselfish thing makes me think of the Good Will Hunting quote.

"You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you dared to love anybody that much."

airport

Currently sitting in PHL, with a scenic sunrise-waiting-to-happen backdrop to airplanes taking off and landing. Beautiful. And this wireless internet is a pleasant surprise.

I never get tired of my Chicago/Philadelphia commute. Funny that before Northwestern, I had never even stepped for into the Midwest region, but now for the majority of the year, I live in IL. 0.o

I guess, why would I mind..because I pay so much for it >_>.

BUT, (I've probably posted about this before), it makes me realize the significance of HOME. Home isn't just some place a car drive away. It's a place that I spend so much money and time going back to, but why? Because it's home. Besides that, I have no where to go.

Sigh. Need to figure out how to fix family relations. My parents basically drop all their money on me. And I say think they don't try hard enough. Fuck me. Suit, Northwestern tuition, planes, longborading, food...I'm a money sucking machine. Come on, Rich.

Flying back to school, for the most part, has been sort of mentally preparing myself for the quarter. Although, truthfully, it's always a cold realizaton when I step off the EL and walk towards Tech. It's always as if I'm coming to a new place, then I slowly adapt again.

But honestly, previous times I've always come back grudgingly, hoping for a "better quarter." I come back hoping for a better quarter this time, but with JOY, no grudges. Okay, maybe some grudges, need to figure things out with JN, but besides that. Hello, spring quarter. Please be warm!

today

1. Bought a suit for the first time

I've recently been reading up more and more about how suits should fit and other such things. I think ever since my floormates got fitted/tailored suits, I've felt I, too, needed a suit. To be a man, or something.

So I got measured, went to Boscovs, bought a dress shit and tie. Horrible fit. Everything is baggy, arm is billowing in cloth, sides are poofy. I refuse to spend good money on something I will not like. Decided, grudgingly, to try Express. I don't know what I have against Express, just always seem to metro for me, everything is slim.

Well, it fit pretty well, so I dropped a lot of money on a jacket, 2 shirts, 2 ties, and 2 pants. But I am pleased with my purchase. And I feel like I've been buying clothes wrong this entire time. I've been buying 32-34 pants when I'm a 32. I've been buying medium shirts (38-40" chest) when I'm a small (36" chest).

Unluckily, there really are no more interviews/job fairs, but...

a man needs a suit. At least that's what society tells me. That's what I think too though. I would post pictures...but no.

--
2. Flying out to school tomorrow. Will be a rush to get to my 11am class...to spend $60 on a taxi or to rush through public transportation and hope I make it to my class? Reminder to myself not to do this again (although if I didn't, I wouldn't have found time to get a suit).

Spring quarter. I don't know what to expect of you. Last year, you had the most depressing spring weather ever. Please change. I'm semi-excited for classes, but sad I had to ditch Yuri/Bernard/others in Asian Am 203 for EECS394 (EDC but for programmers basically).

I've missed Evanston though.
--

Express is expensive man....but at the same time, if I went to somewhere else, I would've spent about the same amount for just jacket/pants. I think it was a good deal. I think. I don't know the value of clothes.

--

I feel like 3 people read this blog. BW, CK, BH. Probably for the best.

aaiv leadership

I thought I would contemplate over what leadership to apply to all break.

I barely thought about it. Did the application in about an hour and I went by my instinct. Worship team and small group leading. It was like in those Personality tests when they tell you to just answer by your instinct even if the question doesn't make that much sense.

A tiny part of me likes filling out applications. A very tiny part of me. Gives you time to reflect on the person you've become and why you really want to do the things you are doing. I guess the application serves its purpose then.

Skyped XL tonight. Always a pleasure to talk to old friends. Seem to be talking about relationships a lot recently...

reason why I should have a prayer jounal

So silly. I had this "carolyn's dad" backup internship ever since Winter Break, but I never gave it credibility. I told myself, it wasn't really related to what I wanted to do, he used an outdated language, it wouldn't be that beneficial for me in terms of experience.

Saturday night, I prayed for an internship. Honestly. The whole situation was out of my hands, but doing nothing over the summer was a waste of my time. Sure, I could sign up for IV Alive or some mission trip, but there was no passion or calling in that. I honestly do feel passionate about creating new software.

Sunday, I go to church, talk to Carolyn's dad at lunch. He tells me he's not going to use the outdated language he's been working with (Visual Basic). He said he wants to use a newer language (C#) to design his UI and software.

...I'm learning C# this upcoming quarter. C# is a great language, very popular now, something that would be awesome having experience in. SUCH a blessing. Yeah, it would've been nice to go to some really cool place and live on my own, but honestly this is pretty good. Save money. See friends. Don't have to worry about living logistics. It'll probably be more lax than other jobs, and I'll learn more.

Thank you, God. Carolyn was one of the first people I met in Delaware. The Chinese girl on the bus with huge hoop earrings. I'll never forget. How far we've come.

See you in Delaware, folks!

can't sleep

Bleh.

Used to, I would have a thought, want to write about it, then write about it. Recently, I've passed over some many topics because they were a bit raw, just not that exciting, or just not that happy. I wouldn't say it's been a rough spring break, but normally, I enjoy my breaks to the max. I always preferred the break over college. And there was no looming internship need to get.

This break, not many people were back, I was lazy (although this has been typical of all my breaks, I needed to be productive this break), and it was at a time when I should have already have gotten an internship, so my parents are freaking out.

It was relaxing, I suppose. Went longboarding 3 times, all 3 times solid. Had breakfast with Carolyn. But yeah, the whole internship thing, then realizing how much of a noob I was in terms of programming was a hard realization. I guess I hit the big topics then, at least.

But now I'm up and awake. Typing from the bathroom because I don't want to be typing in the same room as my sleeping dad (where I was trying to fall asleep too). Got measured. Turns out I'm a 30" waist, so I've been buying pants the wrong size all these years. Bought 2 dress shirts and 2 ties today, for interview ish, and just for life.

--

Still trying to figure out this Asian parents thing. A certain dad posted in WCEC's YG facebook page, talking about why Hunger Games was encouraging kids to kill people. Sort of like when there was a movie I watched with the bully as an antagonist, my mom thought the movie encouraged me to bully kids and refused to watch the movie. Not to put these parents on the spot, but I'm just pointing out that this sort of thing doesn't happen on individual cases. It's across the board.

What is this culture gap? Do they not have good guys/bad guys in China? Did they not have movies back then that made you think? 1984 (George Orwell) was written in 1949 and I'm sure there were more books out that made you question society and think. Does Chinese society not have something like it?

I want to know, Dad, what you think about your life up to this point. What were your dreams when you were a little boy, a college student, a newlywed? What experiences did you have in college? Who did you hang out with?

Stop lecturing me on studying computer languages. Sure, jobs are a big part of life, but there is so much more, can't you see? You're at the end of your career, a successful career I might add. Yet, the only joy, the only passion I see in your life is your hobby of playing table tennis. Good, I'm glad you have a hobby, but it's making me question things. You played table tennis as a boy, had aspirations to go to America, moved to America, got married, got a job, had a family, worked...and now you're looking forward to retirement and playing table tennis with your brothers back at home.

Is that it, Dad? Have you not thought of more? I know you and Mom value family so much; I can see it through your actions. Mom wants that "family bonding" so much. So do I. But all you talk about with me is internships, ping pong, and trying to teach me computer languages in the car. Do you think that will do it?

I'd love to hear your struggles, and I'd love to share you mine. I wish I could hangout with the family as I do with my friends. Go on camping trips, trade stories, talk about girls, and battle scars. But damnit, you guys are so career-focused. I often wonder if I wasn't interested in "something practical" like my current major of Computer Science...what if I was interested in Art History, how you would respond?

Life is more than damn jobs. Of course, I value my education and career. I probably value it too much. Stop worrying.

----------------------------
 A Child says at:

4 years:  My daddy can do anything.
7 years:  My dad knows a lot, a whole lot.
8 years:  My father doesn't know quite everything.
12 years:  Oh, well, naturally Father doesn't know that, either.
14 years:  Father?  Hopelessly old-fashioned.
21 years:  Oh, that man is out-of-date.  What did you expect?
25 years:  He knows a little bit about it, but not much.
30 years:  Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.
35 years:  A little patience.  Let's get Dad's assessment before we do anything.
50 years:  I wonder what Dad would have thought about that.  He was pretty smart.
60 years:  My dad knew absolutely everything!
65 years:  "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with  him.  I really miss that man."

--

P.S. I feel like this is the type of thing talked about in Asian American 203 - 2nd Generation Asian Experiences...but turns out this one class I really need/want to take is offered at the exact same time.

I don't know maybe I'm choosing my career over ...learning more about this stuff and taking classes with others. 

noob

Despite all this money spent on education, despite all this coursework, despite all this time spent programming...

I am a programming noob.
A novice.

No, not even a novice...I don't even know where to begin. I'm on Github, and I have no idea what the heck is going or even how to do anything.

frustrated.

LoL

I always feel guilty when I talk to people about LoL. It's a cop-out conversation. LoL players could go on for days about LoL, talking about how to play different characters, what counters some champion, what are their personal favorites, best moments in LoL, who they want to get better at...

But it doesn't mean jack. It's good to break the ice, but after that...move onto a real conversation, rich.

After talking about LoL for 20-30min:

me: "I'm gonna go."
NS: "you have any prayer requests, rich?"

Slap in the face. This is a person I should actually invest in, and all I talk to him is about LoL. No doubt he's yearning for something deeper, something better than this shitty game.

-------edit-----------------
conversation continuation:

me: you [have any prayer requests]?


NS: nothing atm


me: alright

• me:ill pray that we all quit LoL...
• me:hahaha
• me:gnite man

• 
  

• I sign off

• 
  

• NS:  lol how else would we bond/get to know eadch other 
• NS:  at least thats why i play video games now 
• 
  

• ....I'm FLOORED in guilt.

stress

i don't know, i don't know.

There's so much pressure to get an internship this summer, and rightly so. Time is of the essence in these college years, I don't want to waste it away. My parents are getting on my case about it daily...and again, rightly so. I think that's one of the good things about living away from home.

It forces you to be independent. You don't want to study? Okay, go ahead. Fail. You don't want to exercise? Go ahead. Learning by failure is the most effective. But finding an internship is different? As is finding a job. It's a negative feedback system. If you don't find any, you'll only find less because now you're competing with people who already have experience under their belt. If you did find some, it's a slippery slope. An internship will help you find another internship which will help you find another, etc.

Am I able to get an internship this summer? I don't know. Doors keep closing. I definitely don't want to stay at home this summer, listening to my parents nagging me on my career. If anything, even since high school, I hated that. I've always been on my own agenda, doing my own grades. I don't tell my parents my grades if they don't ask...since high school, when I stopped getting tests signed.

Maybe independence early on is good, but I feel like I've grown too independent of my parents. Of course, I'm completely dependent on them in terms of money and education, but for life decisions...I never go to them.

Because they never ask. They never care. All they care about is that I get a stable job, and everything leading up to getting that job: grades, internships. Grades I've never had a problem with, so it's getting the internship now that's the problem.

After that job, as long as I stay out of trouble, they could care less about the girls I date, the activities I partake in.

I guess it's my own fault though. I pushed them away from those things early on. So now they just try to be the "nice" and lenient parents on a stubborn kid. All they care about are the essentials now. Anymore, and they're overextending their boundaries on a territorial kid. That's probably what they think. Fuck.

They say a man treats his wife how he treats his mother. It's about time I fix things.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:11 


P.S. This post dug a lot deeper than I intended it to.

too many things

There always seems to be another task to handle, another duty to fulfill, another method of getting ahead in my career. Parents to talk to more, internships to apply to, resumes to update, programming languages to learn, projects to start on, and other small tasks that take up time.

Why are we humans so busy.

Honestly, though, I end up locked, unsure what to do out of all the options.

Then I end up doing nothing. Sad.

longboard with jeff

Yes, the speed and sliding is very fun, but a huge part of longboarding is the chilling and talking on the walk up. Went longboarding with Jeff tonight, got to catch up and get to know each other even more..and got to board with him!

Great night. This is one of the wonderful/best things about WCEC. During wcec, I only really got to KNOW a handful of people. But even years later, I can still have 1v1s with people that I didn't talk to much at the time and become great friends. 

Talked about boarding, girls, future, college, christianity, reddit...good stuff, man. 

"girls mature faster than boys."

I'm honestly not so sure.

on coming home

I need to keep up the habit of writing. Topics come to my head, and I put them aside to write, but then I forget what I wanted to mention, so I end up not writing.

--

Winter quarter 2012 was awesome. I almost feel guilty for how awesome my quarter was, because I know a lot of other sophomores are having a rough time. I finished finals early and just chilled through the entire finals week. I remember doing that fall quarter freshmen year, and I ended up just sitting in my room for like 3 days and deciding to never do that again. Well, I did it again, but this time it was awesome.

Honestly, this past week was probably my best week at Northwestern yet. Chilling with people at the lakefill, sunrises, meeting new people, watching a good movie, good weather...so good. And I did well on my finals.

Northwestern is growing on me fersure. I remember talking to Lisa Wang when I visited Northwestern senior year. I asked her, "Does it suck that Northwestern's quarter system makes people get out so late? So you see all your HS friends out already and you're stuck in school?"

I remember her saying, freshmen year it sucked, but the longer you are here, the more you don't want to leave.

So far, I haven't had a "bad break." Every college break I've gotten I enjoyed very much. This time when I'm back though, it's just Caro and I. Still should be fun and relaxing, but I can start seeing what Lisa meant. Even as just a sophomore.

So far, every single quarter has been better than the one before in college. But this past quarter was so much better than the other quarters.

It started out with relaxing lunches with Phil and Yuri, which turned into lunchtime hangouts and outings. Lakefill and Norris visits. Being a clown in chinese with Sharon. Working with Phil/Basil in 211. Chilling with Bernard. Geocaching, first find. Talks on the rocks, something I've always wanted to do. Sunrise with people who know me. Pictures to capture the memory. Getting to know Silas. Moobs. Winterfest. Ron. Crystal. Abi. Dinner with Grace. Making fun of Esther S. with the PT. Steven Pan's girl advice. Todoroki for Katie's birthday. Freshmen dinner. Painting pottery with Sunah and Phil. People just chilling in my room and having a good time. Lakefill chill.

...just...having a good time. Sleeping a lot. Bumming. I don't know, I forget many things. I'm excited to process my photos (27x3 cameras...we'll see how many actually come out), to see my past quarter.

honesty pt. 2

FYI, honesty pt. 1 was written when I was slightly tipsy.
--------------

So I thought about it some more. Although I think I do regret drinking. I don't know. I don't fully regret it because it was a learning experience and taught me many things, but the learning model "try it and if you don't like it, don't do it" doesn't work in every circumstance.

I'm an AAIV upperclassmen on leadership. I shouldn't do things that I don't want to see others do. Do I want the freshmen to met to "try new things" with alcohol? No, I don't. I don't want to be behind that reasoning. "Well, Rich tried it...and he was fine."

At the same time, I learned things. To be honest, I didn't really like it. I like it when I'm in control of a situation and can still have fun. I don't need some substance to dictate the way I interact with people. Not saying that alcohol completely changed me as a person, but afterwards when I had to communicate with sober people, I could tell that I was not on the same page as them. I could tell I was being awkward, but I didn't know how to "act normal." I was zoning out of conversations left and right. I like to be in complete control and have complete awareness of my actions. Maybe that's me being afraid of who I would turn into if I "let myself go" and see who I would become.

Well. I guess I learned I didn't really like it. Maybe it was the setting though, how I had to talk to sober people right after. I don't know. I don't think I'll drink that much again.

For the record, I had 1 beer (Stella), 2 pina coladas, and 4 shots of rum. Over 3 hours. But 3 of the shots were in the last 40 minutes.

it has been a hell of a day.

1. first time being tipsy (10pm - 1am)
2. staying up for sunrise (1am-5am)
3. slept an hour (5-6am)
4. sunrise with friends, then breakfast (6am to 9am)
5. sleep (9am to 2pm)
6. lakefill in 70 dg weather (3pm to 6pm)
7. work/study chinese 6pm-10pm
8. chill with crystal/steph/kev and watch bulls win 10pm-12am
9. 12am-2am north beach adventure with bernard, crystal, kristine
10. 2am - 4am, come back to roommate throwing up. first time ever. taking care of him
11. now, he has finally gone to sleep, i have a pass/fail final at 9am so I watching him so he doesn't turn on his back and studying chinese.

most eventful day of my life.

so much i want to write about.

honesty

This blog has been all about me being honest and not holding back the truth. If the topic isn't on my mind, then I don't write about it. I was debating about writing about this in fear of judgment, but you know what, my identity lies as a Son of God, and it would be fake to write about anything else in this moment.

--

I drank a decent amount tonight for the first time (Sorry, Esther S...). I say "decent amount," because I've guiltily drank previously, but never enough to "feel it." Three times freshmen year, and once previously this year. I would always come away feeling like an idiot, feeling guilty that I drank, but then feeling like an idiot that I still didn't know what it felt to be affected by alcohol.

So what is YOUR stance on underage drinking? Previously, I was sort of on the liberal side. Honestly, what difference does a 20 year old drinking and a 21 year old drinking. I guess I took this stance because I hated that weird Christian look of judgment that people would give to people who drank. Like "Christians" are better than them and look down on people because they drank. Every year I pass birthdays thinking "I feel exactly the same." What does a one day difference mean to being "responsible" in your drinking?

So my stance has been, it's fine if you don't drink to drink your sorrows away and you drink in a safe environment. Tonight, I drank to celebrate the last of my finals and I drank with two guys, watching a movie. No girls, no crazy environment. The purpose behind me drinking tonight was to "prepare" myself for my 21st birthday. No, I don't plan on going wild on my 21st. I plan on going to my roommate's fraternity room (next year) and drinking beers and playing board games with him. Except I've sipped beer before and I abhor the taste of it. Therefore, I want to learn to enjoy the taste of beer.

So I tried beer again today, hoping that I would think differently. I still hated it, didn't finish the bottle. The two guys I was with were making pina coladas, so instead I had some pina coladas and some shots. Over the course of 3 hours of making the pina coladas and watching 50-50 (great movie btw), I did get tipsy.

Rich tipsy. I know, judge away. After the movie ended, I longboarded back.

I still stand behind my stance. If I had drank some and just slept over at that person's place, I think I would have been fine. But because I came back and started/had to talk to people, my brain was all over the place. I saw the words that I had written/IM'ed people and wondered if I would have said the same thing, acted the same way if I had been completely sober.

In the end, am I glad I did it? I don't know. I don't think I'll do it again anytime soon, because I like being in complete control of my words and actions. I don't like the feeling of knowing that I might not be 100% myself and letting words loose from my mouth to people. At the same time, I didn't do anything I would have regret. Sure, if I was in a different environment, the story might have been different.

I feel like I can choose to when to "relax myself" when I'm sober though, and I don't want a few drinks to make me lose control of that. That is a PERSONAL opinion though. Some others may think differently, and I respect that.

Maybe the reason why I felt like I wasn't able to be in complete control because I have a hard time talking to people when there is an elephant in the room. For me, the elephant was the fact that I was tipsy. But I was so afraid the people I was talking to would judge me for it that I tried to put this fake conversation front up and not bring up alcohol as a topic.

I don't know. Did I make a mistake tonight? Probably. I hate lack of judgment, lack of coherence. Did I hurt anyone else in the process? No.

summer nights

walking back from the library in perfect summer-night-weather..

...makes me miss allison.

damn.

...to find a new girl...

to write:

eternity,infinity
-the thought that everyone you see leads individual lives, and everything

more structure or less structure
-topic PH and I were talking about today at dinner
-what is the better way to lead a group?

labels/identity
-do people want to be labeled?
-even though label has a negative connotation, do we need it for part of our identity?

energy

It's 2:20, 40 minutes until my final, and here I am doing nothing. It's not that I've studied so much that I'm prepared but this entire body is just unwilling to move and do things. I don't know whether it's just the 11am's this quarter, or am I getting older?

I guess it's not going to be a bad final, I think, but the fact that my best possible score in the class is already an 80% should motivate me. Right? I'm consistently sleeping around 8 hours...(albeit, I sleep from 5am to 1pm), but I shouldn't be so lackadaisical all day.

I think responsibility of waking up and doing things in the morning is a responsibility that a man should take on. My dad gets so much done in the morning while I lazily sleep.

I don't know. I don't understand sleep. I am not a morning person by any means.

haven't read yet.

spring break

things to do

1. Fix sleep schedule - sleep by 1am, get up around 10
x_2. longboard. longboard. longboard. pictures. videos.
x_3. hang out with jenny, jia, carolyn, dan...anyone else who is back
x_4. hang out with parents and brother
5. hassle recruiters for an intern, talk to carolyn's dad
nvm_6. buy new jeans
nvm_7. buy a fitted suit
nvm_8. read. use kindle.
9. skype people. billy, eddie, mary
x10. keep in touch with NU people, plan spring quarter stuff
nvm_11. workout
x_12. write, reflect
13. aaiv leadership app

finals week

I'm stuck at a point in studying so I figured I would write a bit rather than wonder the ends of the internet.

I'm taking one of my finals 2 days ahead of time, so I can free up more of my finals week. I think this just shows where I placed academics this quarter. And the funny thing is, it's not like I'm intentionally doing it...I'm very conscious of my decision, and very comfortable with it. The best score I can get in EECS222 is a 80%...yet I'm okay with it.

No, I'm not so holy I don't care about school anymore. If anything, I think I should try harder and care more, but it just shows where I placed social life and academics this quarter.

I was about to go hangout with people at Chrissy's the day before my final...but I figured there is a limit. The day before my final is a no....sigh. I do need to start doing better in terms of internship searching and such. I hope the spot in Boston or San Jose works out; it's frightening going to a new place, but at the same time exhilarating. Meeting new people I otherwise never would have met and going to places I've never stepped foot  in...

okay, back to work. laplace, z, fourier transform...here we go again.

"You got this bro, stay true to yourself"

peace

early morning sunrise

Every time I watch a sunrise, without fail, I think..."wow, this happens every day, and I sleep through it." The wonders of nature needn't boast. They just are.

--

Verse that came to mind while I was watching...
"Be still, and know that I am God."

bernard's picture

judgment

I said in Crystal's video to the freshmen, "Don't judge people who drink. Everyone has their own story." Typical Rich, having thoughts in his head, and not stringing it properly. Well, there's two main points I wanted to hit, and I did. But having the two come consecutively after one another doesn't make much sense.

1. Don't judge
2. Give the person a try

I don't claim, by any means, to be masters of these rules. If anything, they're ideals that I struggle with.

Judging
It's so easy for me the write someone off. The guy who ____. The girl who ____. Fill in the blank with your imagination.

sigh, it's 4am. and I'm tired. This post will have to come another time.

--

no more kp. forrealz rich?

night thoughts

One of my favorite reasons for staying up is that for some reason my thoughts are more ripe. For some reason words come out easier.

Just recently, little reminders of last year have come back to me. To be placed in a setting where I am not comfortable, where I know I spent an entire year in that setting and never felt comfortable...

On one side, I feel bitter. I hold my tongue, how not much has changed in a year. Last year I didn't have confidence and I had my walls up, understandable why they wouldn't want to connect with me (maybe). This year, still the same thing. I guess some people don't click, but others don't try. And that's fine, I suppose. I wanted to get to know them better, but I guess it won't happen. Life goes on.

On the other side, I'm reminded of who I have come to be through my relationship with Jesus. I remember who I was, and where I was. Much of those feelings and convictions dictate how I lead my actions today, why I seek the lonely, why I desire to be a big brother and friend. It's easy to forget the past and think you got here on your own. No...you exist under a loving and redeeming God, don't you ever forget it, rich.

odd dream

I usually don't remember my dreams, so this is interesting.
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It was my roommate's birthday. We were walking along train tracks and box cars towards his party. It was me, him, and HC. There was a fourth shady person walking with us, on the way to the party.

I thought it was weird that this fourth person was there, but no one said a word. He got to the party, a two story house, pretty small, set on like the beautiful expanse of the plains of America. You could see for miles out the front door.

I don't remember that much. I remember many sorority girls, dressed in typical party attire, there to celebrate. Oddly enough, I don't remember seeing any AAIV, or WCEC, or even Elder people at the party. Just nameless white party girls (which I call sorority girls...maybe I'm making bad generalizations).

Anyway, the fourth shady person pulls out two guns, and immediately HC whips out his trained ninja skills, and disarms the person. (At this moment in the dream, I sort of become lucid for a second and think to myself...oh yeah, I remember HC telling me that he was real good at taekwondoe. Whether this is actually true or not, I have no clue.) I pick up the guns and suddenly, two female accomplices of the shady person come up, and I shoot them.

But for some reason, it seems like in that moment, the shots didn't do immediate damage. I knew the damage would happen sooner or later, but for the moment, I continuously shot them with, wielding both guns. Soon enough, they too are disabled (I don't remember any death, even though I was taking kill shots").

Oddly enough, I don't remember there being a big commotion at this party.

---
Weird dream. The only people I recognized were HC and James. Then nameless sorority girls, nameless shady assassin, nameless female accomplices.

refocus

Lately, I've been seeking advice left and right about certain issues going on and blogging about it. I think my intentions were right, but I think it could be construed as gossip. I want to make the focus of this blog for me to clear my thoughts and from that clarity, I want to improve myself.

Matthew 7:5
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

So, I'd like to write more without these random initials and more focused on how I can change. Sorry. I tried writing how I felt, but sometimes completely unprocessed thoughts shouldn't be let out.

thoughts flying through my head

-sg reunion/JN
-lisa's with LY
-bobb or MD

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I would love to get LY involved in AAIV. It's people like her who I think are really looking for something more, something that they thought college would be like, but didn't find it. That she would benefit from the friendships that AAIV can offer. I guess anyone can benefit from the friendships, but her specifically. Why? I don't really know why. Maybe because I click with her well, and feel like she deserves better than what she currently has. I guess that's not a very Christian outlook on things.

But there came a point to a conversation where things became a little hazy. I won't say more. I need to make my intentions clear.

------------------------------

Living in Bobb...some freshmen girls want to live there, both AAIV and non-AAIV, and I might SGLead there. (If I decide to do SGLeading that is...).

--

talking to EL. gnite.

giving up

#kp

enjoy college

stop worrying about your future

6 day push

okay. chill time has been all quarter, time to hit the books and be productive.

agenda:
apply to raytheon
talk to jn
222 problem set (fri)
211 program (sun)
222 final (mon)
211 final (tues)

innate human value

I mentioned the term "innate human value" to my roommate last night as a reason why I can't let this JN situation just pass by me. He's a fellow son of God. He said if that's what I believe, then I should go for it.

He casually mentioned how that was something he struggled with. How can remorseless serial killers and rapist...how can you attribute that "innate human value?" He stopped it at that because he realized that was a whole other subject matter, and we were talking about JN...and JN didn't fit in either of those categories.

But it's an interesting question. Can you forgive someone who doesn't even feel bad about it? If I had a daughter, and someone raped and killed her, I would buy a gun and kill that person. Maybe that's a bold statement. I probably don't have those balls, but if I did, I would. It's not my thought that that person's innate human value give to him by God...that's not what would stop me. Hell, even if it was a little sister I cared for, I would hopefully show a piece of my mind to that person.

But no, we are called to forgive because we are forgiven. It's when a Christian community forgives a killer that people realize that Christians are different. That we don't value this Earth, that we value our "reward in heaven a THOUSAND times more than we value our lives...our wives..our kids...(John Piper quote)."

Sigh, I have much to learn then.

jn

I knew he was going to prayer meetings, which is the specific reason I didn't want to go. Well, things happened (hanging out with JO), and I ended up "accidentally" going to a prayer meeting. Not accidentally I guess, I knew I was going, but it would've been awkward if I didn't go. And I wanted to go, I just didn't want to see him there

But he was there. Maybe the verse he mentioned was for me too. 

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Talking to DR, she said that it wasn't right for me to hold the bitterness. I am wronging God wronging him. Either way, it's a challenge, a trial, for both of us to learn from. 

Had to share with LO because this sort of would affect Men's Den since he plans on living there.

Then, I told my roommate about it...(this is why I didn't post last night...way too late). Of course I'm in the wrong for holding bitterness, but my roommate saw exactly why I reacted the way I did. Some of the things he said were just downright wrong and awkward. So wrong. So awkward. I won't repeat them because I don't want people to view him differently, but honestly...sure I view friendship differently and maybe my umbrella of things you can say to a guy is smaller, but saying THAT is definitely not healthy. In any relationship. 

LO says he's stubborn though and I need to be the bigger man and take the hit.

But what does taking the hit mean? Forcing myself to be good friends with someone? Friendship isn't forced. It's natural, it's "organic," as LO said. 

I really don't know what to do, but this whole no communication thing is definitely not good. I will just talk to him and be lovingly honest. I can't be entirely loving or else it will involve me acting like a fake friend, and that's basically the equivalent of leading someone on (the gf/bf parallels in the situation freak me the fuck out). I can't be entirely honest because that might destroy him.

I need a list of points I need to get out and a list of points that I CANNOT say, even if I want to. 

God, help me through these trials. If I get through this, maybe if another person has guy-guy problems, I can help them, sympathize with them. 

If this gets resolved, there is no way that it got resolved within my own power. 

gone protected

unprocessed, not thought-out words read by the wrong person could prove very hurtful.

one more post before i sleep

I had dinner with LD today. We seem to hit it off very well, even though I haven't talked to her in...more than a year. At least a good conversation. And not hitting it off, as in potential gf (besides, she already has a bf), but just good conversation-wise. We talked abut AAIV leadership, and I shared about worship team, and how I really enjoy it. She shared about how she wanted to apply to leadership, worship team specifically, but had never really done it.

Most importantly, however, she shared about how she felt about Northwestern compared to her high school friends. She felt like she wasn't making any "lifelong friends" at NU. That all her lifelong friends were at home. "This year I don't remember hanging out with anyone after Focus."

Now, sure, that doesn't sound bad, but it has such deep implications. She has no one to go to on this campus, no one do life with, to share her burden, and she does seem to be going through many burdens. LD seems to have come to terms with it already. She said if she's not working, practicing, or doing work, she's sleeping. She's a busy person.

But social life, fellowship life is such a big portion of college. (Sidenote: Do I consider the two, the same?) It would be such a waste to go through 4 years of college and not gain a few lifelong friends along the journey. My mom has no friends from college, all her best friends are from high school.

I shared this because I remember how she felt. From sharing my blog with DL today, I started wondering what kind of blog posts I wrote when I was going through such tough times. I didn't write much. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I didn't want friends from home to think I was having a tough time in college, when college was painted to be this amazing time.

But college is so much more rewarding when you invest in people. I pray for LD, that she invests and finds friends to trust and do life with at college.

if i ever forget

The best part of Winterfest was the Saturday night sharing. I didn't say a word, but it was so remarkable, I could've burst into tears into the middle (but I didn't...at least not during). Dave and Jessica coming and speaking. And Derek sharing that he had accepted Christ. Something in me screamed out for joy, for hope. I guess I wrote about it here. I wanted to see transformations. Although Dave and Jessica didn't "come to Christ," it didn't matter to me. The fact that they came, that they saw what AAIV was about, not just being some group of Asians walking down Sheridan, adhering to themselves. As Jessica put it, "I didn't think I experienced God at Winterfest. But I realized that I experienced God through all of you."

Even though AAIV has "hurt" me more than WCEC, I still love AAIV for challenging me. For doing ministry on this campus. It doesn't seem like it, but it's going on whether I chose to or not. But, I want to be a part of it. Derek, who took the finding God track with me last year at Winterfest, shared that he finally accepted Christ at the end of his junior year, when he was away from everyone.

These people on our campus aren't goals or numbers to be counted. They're people loved by God, and loved by us. Derek, one could say, was a "project." He was a three year project, of continuous AAIV people reaching out to him, engaging him, and even after all that...he accepted Christ when he went away on his internship. Truly God's work and not ours. I was barely a part of it, but just because I saw him going through the process, I went to speak to him afterwards, but I couldn't. I sort of just cried awkwardly and hugged him and he understood.

I want to see transformation. God use me.

Intentionally choosing classes for next quarter, I will take risks next quarter.

i feel like i'm posting less

I struggle so much for waking up for church. As soon as it hits 4am on Saturday night (or Saturday morning), I know I won't get up for church. Maybe it's possible, but I don't even try. I turn off my alarm, and plan on waking up for like 1pm. I don't know if it's the whole mentality of only taking 3 classes and slacking off that make me this way...I wonder. If I feel more tired in a 9am quarter than I do in a 11am quarter.

Up until last year, even if I had 9am's, I would never take naps. I don't know, I didn't understand people who took naps. I would get tired, but I still wouldn't sleep. I don't know, I don't even understand that part of me anymore. Well, not the case anymore. I probably normally go to sleep at 3-4am, although recently it's been ridiculous, like 5-6am. I'm okay though, because I start at 11am. But when I stay up talking to people, I consider that worth it. But still. There's got to be a limit, maybe not always enforced, but some type of limit.

I'd like to be the person who starts his day at 10am. Maybe, sleep from 2am to 10am everyday. Shower, get dressed, eat some breakfast and grab some coffee. I wish I didn't feel the need to just crash every weekend, that I could get a consistent amount of sleep.

I think maybe I will invest in one of those sunlight alarm clocks, and maybe a bed curtain to not wake up my roommate. Those sunlight alarm clocks are like $100 though. Sigh.

But if it wakes me up nongroggily...worth it.

up at 6am again...

After talking to NS....

I feel like I shouldn't share with so many people my problems with JN. (Or problems with KP too...). But every time I share, I gain a little more clarity on the situation...and about myself.

If this JN situation ever gets resolve, it'll truly be a miracle of God because looking at the situation now, it's impossible to reconcile.

--

Silas. Bernard. Jihoon. Joe.

A barrier was broken tonight. This is no insignificant task. Thank you.

random thought

Remember the acronym "pos" ? haha...I used to use that all the time. I forgot about that. Good times on AIM.

(pos is parent over shoulder)

6am thoughts

Stayed up talking to LA. This is the first quarter I have put social life above school work. And it has proved to be awesome. I'm not doing great in my classes, but still enjoying college more than I ever have...by far. I think that says something about success and how happiness works...

There will need to come a point where I start valuing career a lot though. Listening to Google interview questions today...I'm very scared now.

KP would also be a nice addition....lol.

Good night.

"It'll be just like old times! C'mon, it'll be just like old times!"

You can't just go back and forget everything that happened.

If anything, I've learned from this whole experience. It's not that this single event destroyed our friendship. If anything, I think the reason we were friends was because I thought you were a different person then you really were. Things I had thought of that I didn't put much thought into resurfaced after that event. It confirmed things. So has the things that have happened this quarter, a hundredfold.

If anything, I've gotten to know you better. And realized that we are not compatible. I'm sorry.