secrets

A year ago, there were no secrets. I spoke my mind and brought in personal life examples, because I walked around like an open book. I shared my life with strangers. Truly, I had nothing to hide. In fact, in retrospect, I had a lot of pride that I wanted to show off too.

Then I went through a relationship, and (even more related to secrets) some things happened over the summer that were unrelated to my previous relationship (I felt the need to clarify).

And just like that, I have secrets, I have walls. I also had secrets four years ago in my high school relationship, although now that is far enough removed that I feel comfortable sharing -- no one at Northwestern knows who my high school girlfriend was anyway. But even more so this time around, this past is complicated; I don't share partly because I'm not proud of it, but also because I'm not sure what happened in those time periods. My mind was hazy, but who knows, maybe it still is. Sometimes I think about the decisions I made, but most days I don't think about it. Dwelling on the past does no one any good.

There's really no one to blame. I suppose it's a part of life. I don't like these walls, but they are necessary for now. So I apologize for keeping secrets; I think I'm a colder person from it.

change

It's so hard to change who you are, what you do. Because when the going gets tough or busy, our true priorities shine and our old habits reign.

But if it ain't hard, it ain't worth it.

topic

the strength and weakness of being a senior

contemplation

It's been a one of those thinking nights. So many thoughts, but not many words to write. It's one of those nights where I'd like to just drive, and drive through empty and windy roads north of Evanston and just pause.

But we can't pause -- but I'll take what I can get tonight.

also

Went to the Art Institute of Chicago today. As much as I probably missed learning about culture, art, and other nuances that artists want to teach, I think I prefer running around places, laughing at dumb jokes and remarks.

empathy

Empathy is possibly the greatest asset one can gain. I think I definitely made significant forward progress sophomore year in learning empathy, but slowed down or reversed my progress junior year.

Bitterness and a hardened heart are dangerous commodities to hold..

Here's to "learning" more empathy, 2014.

ah, yes.

oh the wanderlusting.

"The morning wind forever blows, the poem of creation is uninterrupted; but few are the ears that hear it."

Henry Thoreau

a quote from the article, "The Camping Cure" - Aeon Magazine

direction and brain vomit

first, direction.

I think I need to figure out a direction. Sad to say, but I think I wander from thing to thing, like a child who's entertained by a toy, then quickly kicks it out of the way once he's bored. Even though I'm back to taking four classes now, they don't seem that time consuming. I seem to be relatively keeping up without having no time to breathe -- which is great. It's just I waste my leftover time. 

Or maybe not waste, but I kind of aimlessly do things. Taking pictures seems fun, I'll do that. I should probably be working out, maybe I'll do that. Oh, these people are playing League, I'll join them.

I think direction is important though, and it's easy to see if you're aiming for something during these times of rest. During times of busyness, you might not have time to rest, so you may feel like you're not wasting time, even if you are, because what you are doing has nothing to deal with your direction. 

So, I need to think about that, or else this quarter will slip by like the others do.

second, brain vomit. (this is where I advise you to stop reading.)

Going to New Com's event on Friday was really eye-opening for me, really pushing me to seek more than I seek. People wrap themselves in blankets under a bridge on a 0 degree night, while I'm bored entertaining myself in my fancy apartment. 

And aaiv. Oh aaiv. Something about us is just not good. And I don't know what to do about it, or if there are things to do about it. Maybe it's just meant to be the way it is, but it's so easy to look to the past, or look to other fellowships, and say, "Why not us?" Of course (and this is becoming one of my favorite sayings), the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe we're too big. Maybe we have too much structure -- and more structure incoming? 

So there's ways in way we fail and suck, so in order to combat our failures we create structure around that to make sure we don't suck and fail. I get that. I word it very negatively, but essentially that might be why the structure of a church exists. Or prayer meetings, or small group, etc. But when you have a structure to every part of Christian life, something seems off. I'm a cynic though, I seem to against most ideas that come up. 

But I don't blame core, and I don't blame anyone specific. If there's anyone I should blame, it's ourselves, and in that -- it's me. Our fellowship is not perfect, and if it were, well Jesus would be here too. Perhaps I just wish the gospel reconciliation were easier.

But, as Nick says, if ain't hard, it ain't worth it. Okay, he didn't use "ain't," but I kind of like the southernness of that for some reason. I think that applies to most (all?) things. Because man, it's hard to yearn after Christ, to seek holiness, to pray for others, to seek reconciliation, to wait .... but if it was easy would it be worth it?

"It's about the journey." lol. These sayings that we see as cheesy now were probably thought of by some deep philosopher way back when -- there's much truth to them. I remember reading Chris Nho's post, saying something like what if God gave you all that you wanted right now. Would we still seek Him? Would we have reason to trust him? Or would we be like, peace God, thanks for the _____. 

And I idolize adventure. After visiting LA and Seattle this past summer, both of which were great, I have this strong sense of wanderlust, and wanderlust isn't bad. The problem is (and back to the grass is greener on the other side) that I always want to be somewhere else. But that's so dumb. When my friends from DE came to visit me in here, that just made me realize how lucky I am to go here, and live here. I'm sure they have a case of GG (greener grass) too, but it just put things in perspective for me.

I think for the first time today, it hit me about my future. Like wow, I will be here for another 3 years. And college will be no more. That's it. This thing that people hype up, "your college experience," will be over. Well, first I think hype is bad, and life is to be enjoyed at all times, in different ways. But still, now is a time when 8000 people, similarly aged, from all around the country (edit: WORLD), live in this little square mile and live life. And we're all connected largely by being a Northwestern student, and there are smaller subgroups on subgroups, from the Asian/Asian American groups on campus, to AAIV, etc. Yes, direction, Rich.

When you code, there's usually a lot of googling. Let's say I'm writing something that reads twitter data about ...idk, the snow. Let's say you're trying to predict which regions are getting the most snow just off twitter data. (Actually kind of an interesting idea...). There are parts of the project that you really don't know, that every developer ends up googling -- how do you get an API key to twitter, how does their API work. But there's a certain point where you can start taking the knowledge you've gained and making your own decisions on how to code. Or you can be a laziness ass/crappy developer and find really specific code that does exactly what you need to do. 

And I think the same goes for direction in life. While I see people around me and pictures online of people doing extremely cool stuff in life, I need to pave my own path. While sure, it's not that I can't do repeats of what other people are doing, it's just we're all different, and we each have different paths and directions and mine is mine, and yours is yours. 

All that being said, I'm still excited to travel to LA for spring break. I need to pay back my parents some day.

back

I'm actually excited to be back, which is a first, in a long time. Already beginning to go off-schedule and burning some time, but that's okay.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 5:3

I was reading through the beatitudes, and just reflecting on how tough they truly are. Do I desire to be meek, hungry, poor in spirit in order to receive blessing? Is God's blessing enough for me -- even amidst suffering and pain, because it seems very clearly that our calling as Christians is in that direction.

If it isn't, we're doing something very wrong -- selling Christianity as the path way to maximize happiness, relationships, friendships or for some, manliness or ladylike. The disciples left their jobs and families! Imagine -- a bunch of 20 and 30 year old single men walking around during a time period when girls got married when they were in their teens. Now how manly is that?

God's blessing must be enough for us; Christ must be enough for us.

And I'll admit, it's not easy saying that -- that just Christ is enough for me. I don't think I can even say it without feeling hypocritical which is a scary thing to realize as a small group leader.

But blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom -- that's tough, but that's Amen.

May God and God alone be enough for me and you too, dear reader.

regret

“Am I not more powerful than regret?” 

That’s a simple question, but at the heart of it is a problem. When you are afraid you might make a mistake you act as if God is not in the business of redeeming mistakes. You act as if you could make a mistake he could not handle. You act as if God is smaller than your mistakes.

- Jon Acuff, Stuff Christians Like

hmm

1. take real 365 photos

anger

People are so angry.

And anger never changed minds.

i wish my camera worked today.