on bicycles and calculus

My gut tells "not yet" all the time. I've been putting off a doctor's appointment for quite sometime now. I've neglected fitness for almost a year now, so I fear the negative results from a doctor's checkup. I tell myself that once I attain adequate fitness again, I'll run in for a checkup. It sounds silly, but this is the type of attitude that stops me from doing things, from something as simple as a checkup to more complicated matters like career goals. I always want to perfect my environment before starting something fresh.

The concept is familiar. In secondary school, for every intermediate level class, there is a required prerequisite beginner level class. There's nothing wrong with this. In many scenarios, there really exists steps which we must climb sequentially to reach our goal. There's no way we can learn calculus without learning algebra first.

However, take the experience of learning how to ride a bicycle. This is not like learning algebra before calculus. There is no first step to learning how to ride a bicycle. You don't know how to ride a bicycle until you do. The experience of learning requires many falls and then a suddenly click -- and then you become this kid. Sure, there are training wheels, but the dynamics of riding a two wheeled vehicle vastly differs from riding with three or more wheels. The magic of countersteering and a topic for another time.

Perhaps we mix up these two scenarios too often. I sometimes think that coding will be like riding a bicycle, it will all just click in my head someday, when in actuality, there's so many layers to it. I can't just expect for it to click, just like a second grader will not understand a calculus book no matter how many times he reads it.

On the other hand, we fear trying new things. We mull over the idea of being friends with someone and assess and plan strategies to get to know them, when the best solution is the simplest one -- say hello, and it might crash like we do when we crash our bikes while learning, and that's okay. Of course, this is a simplification of the things we accomplish; in reality most things are probably a mixture of calculus and bicycle riding. However for some unbeknownst reason, I keep assuming the calculus is bicycle riding, and bicycle riding is calculus.

I ran a marathon a little over a year ago. Given the time could have been better, but crossing that line really told me that being a marathon runner is nothing special. It's just taking the time to train, just showing up on game day. Sidenote, I essentially haven't run since. I've probably also forgotten most of my calculus.

25

My birthday rushed through the day this year like a train furiously reaching its destination. In a way I wanted it that way; this was one of the first times I actually felt 25. Once August came around this year, Nick had already begun rotations. Tina's dream career suddenly became tangible, and Peter's million dollar smile seemed to be all the more white combined with his new white coat. The theme seemed to coalesce -- people are moving forward, and I was not.

Twenty-five, the age where car insurance says your brain is done developing, therefore your rates become lower, and you're no longer slapped with a fine for being "underage" by car rental companies. A quarter of a hundred, a very agreeable number.

I've questioned my career choice a dozen times this past year, took many first steps towards new careers, only to quickly retract them (a pile of GMAT books stills sit on my bookshelf, the shrink wrap untorn). I tell myself most days, I do not want to code. I also wake up every weekday morning, go to work and code. Is it that I don't want to code, or do I not want to work hard? I think I'm a smart kid, and (arrogantly so) I think I'm smarter than most, although most people probably believe that. However, when you measure intelligence to hard work, hard work will always win.

So where does that bring me?
I want to be a better coder.
It will take hard work.
I want to be a better writer.
It will take hard work.
I want to know myself better.
It will take hard work.
I want to be be physically fit
It will take hard work.
I want to feel more connected with those around me.
It will take hard work.
I want to understand grace better and apply it to my life.
Ironically, it will also take hard work.

Happy 25th Birthday, Rich. Sometimes it seems like youth is over at 25, and while that may be true, evident from my aching back after a few games of flag football, I surely don't want the fact that my path is determined by 25.

pbill

W. Englehart

"My wife is minority Chinese-American and she proudly voted for Trump!! As did many other Chinese-Americans I know and work with. Many Blacks and Hispanic-Americans voted for Trump. Make America great again! You millennials were just babies when the Clintons corrupted this country with their immorality and selfish greed. God is merciful and saved us from the Clinton's future corruption."

Somehow I found it urgent to wrestle with this tonight. He was my pastor in what I think are some of the most formative times of my life - my high school years. I scoured the internet for C.S. Lewis quotes, because surely no one can disagree with C.S. Lewis, right? (Which apparently I'm not the only one who did this, as there is a fake C.S. Lewis quote circulating.) I only really discovered that Lewis distanced himself away from politics, refusing to endorse candidates.

Certainly after this election, everyone's learned what the phrase "echo chamber" means. It's so easy for me to dismiss Englehart's view as insane, so incredibly easy. Is there truth in it though? Not the exact quote per say, but his worldview. Who am I to say that my echo chamber is the correct echo chamber? There is wisdom in years, yet only a child can enter the kingdom of God.

I just think it's so strange, that there are so many Christians who are appalled and scared by the president elect, but even more that are so pleased with him. Would Jesus care who got elected? I really want to say no, Jesus wouldn't. When asked about paying taxes to Caesar, he simply said, "Give back to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." He knew Caesar had no power over God -- he was not even slightly worried. As horrible as the character of our president elect is, I guess it's important to remember that nothing can stop God's plan. God can definitely use people in power to keep his promises, even when the leader is completely against him. The first few examples that come to mind are Pharoah not listening to Moses, and Pilates allow Christ to be crucified. Not saying Trump is like either of those to, but even if he were, it would all be within God's plan.

But still; something continues to sit within me that remains unsettled. A C.S. Lewis that does stand out to me tonight is this one:

For suspicion often creates what it suspects.

the blessing is outside your comfort zone

"you will know them by their fruits"

60

Today is my mom's 60th birthday. Six-O. The fact that our parents age at the same rate we do never fails to astound me that. Our parents sometimes seem so timeless -- when you see someone everyday for eighteen years, the changes slip by seamlessly.  However as I enter more into adult life and see my parents less (I wish the two didn't go hand and hand), I've finally begun to register the differences with each visit -- my parents are growing older.

I've always been a rebellious child, especially toward my mother, who took on the louder voice in our household growing up, as Chinese mothers do. She wanted me to practice violin, so I played drums. She wanted me to play tennis, so I played volleyball. She wanted me to go to medical school, so I studied engineering. She wanted me to go to Case Western, so I want to Northwestern. In each scenario, perfecting the reasoning in my head for why my decision was correct and most important, hers was wrong.

I still stand by many of the those decisions and even the logic behind them. The difference between 24 year old me and 18 year old me is that I've begun to see her reasoning behind many of her decisions -- begun being the keyword. I admit that I'm still just as stubborn as I was in middle school. I do not regret not going to medical school, but seeing so many of my college friends in their white coats, I see a glimpse of the bigger picture that she saw as she let me attend Northwestern for engineering.

A wise friend once told me, "I don't think anyone can fully understand the depth of the cross until they have a child." Some days I just want to hang up the phone and not talk to my mom. We are both stubborn as they come. But I cannot say that I've haven't been so blessed to be able to have a mother as loving as my mom, and I'm sure I'll never know how hard it was to parent me.

hmm

We have this idea that everyone should be totally independent, totally whole, totally together spiritually, totally fulfilled. That is a myth. In reality, our lack of fulfillment is the most precious gift we have. It is the source of our passion, our creativity, our search for God. All the best of life comes out of our human yearning, our not being satisfied.

Gerald May

you have to understand,
that no one puts their children in a boat
unless the water is safer than the land

- Warsan Shire, “Home”

when did we lose our way?

I wish, I wish I could point to an occurrence in my life and say, "That's why I'm that way!" Wouldn't that be so easy, if I could point the blame to technology and social media bringing popularity to a whole new level outside of the high school lunch tables, so people chase pictures that get them likes rather than their dreams. Maybe that's a piece of it, but a very small piece. Was it when I pigeon-holed myself amongst Asians? Or when I first cheated on a test, or visited my first pornographic site?

When did we lose our way?

When did love for our friends become only presentable in delicious meals and so tightly wrapped in time? Why does my appreciation for talent turn so quickly into jealousy? Why can't I love those I love, and those that love me? How am I suppose to love my enemies and my neighbors?

When did my eyes become blind and my ears become deaf to the Gospel that once brought me to my knees? The presence of God that once which led my decisions entirely can barely be found, only to be replaced with advice and experiences from strangers on the internet.

Is there grace for those to lose sight of the beauty and splendor of grace?

(Yes, Rich, there is. Dear reader, there is.)

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me

"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."

G. K. Chesterton

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/g/gilbertkc165933.html

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/g/gilbertkc165933.html

When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/g/gilbertkc165933.html

big hearts

I've always admired big hearts.

Some people who are able to love so abundantly, against all odds, with seemingly such little care for their own time and money. Generosity that leaves me questioning earthly logic.

Others who are able to spot the best in others, and cherish them for those attributes.

Those who are able to adore others who are different from themselves, because they love a wider perspective more than their comfort.

These theologies sound pleasant to our ears and refined in writing, but in practice, it is so effortless to slide into the contrasting action. To be selfish with our resources, to be the best at spotting the worst in others, and to surround ourselves with others who share our views. Sadly, I've been realizing how small my heart really is and how many of these shortcomings are my own. I do not want a small heart, but the slope has been so easy to descend.

"[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthian 13:7

Selfishness, on the other hand, will not protect others, it will not trust in others, it will not hope for others, it will not persevere with others -- it will certainly not love on another.

Here's to bigger hearts in 2016.