honesty

This blog has been all about me being honest and not holding back the truth. If the topic isn't on my mind, then I don't write about it. I was debating about writing about this in fear of judgment, but you know what, my identity lies as a Son of God, and it would be fake to write about anything else in this moment.

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I drank a decent amount tonight for the first time (Sorry, Esther S...). I say "decent amount," because I've guiltily drank previously, but never enough to "feel it." Three times freshmen year, and once previously this year. I would always come away feeling like an idiot, feeling guilty that I drank, but then feeling like an idiot that I still didn't know what it felt to be affected by alcohol.

So what is YOUR stance on underage drinking? Previously, I was sort of on the liberal side. Honestly, what difference does a 20 year old drinking and a 21 year old drinking. I guess I took this stance because I hated that weird Christian look of judgment that people would give to people who drank. Like "Christians" are better than them and look down on people because they drank. Every year I pass birthdays thinking "I feel exactly the same." What does a one day difference mean to being "responsible" in your drinking?

So my stance has been, it's fine if you don't drink to drink your sorrows away and you drink in a safe environment. Tonight, I drank to celebrate the last of my finals and I drank with two guys, watching a movie. No girls, no crazy environment. The purpose behind me drinking tonight was to "prepare" myself for my 21st birthday. No, I don't plan on going wild on my 21st. I plan on going to my roommate's fraternity room (next year) and drinking beers and playing board games with him. Except I've sipped beer before and I abhor the taste of it. Therefore, I want to learn to enjoy the taste of beer.

So I tried beer again today, hoping that I would think differently. I still hated it, didn't finish the bottle. The two guys I was with were making pina coladas, so instead I had some pina coladas and some shots. Over the course of 3 hours of making the pina coladas and watching 50-50 (great movie btw), I did get tipsy.

Rich tipsy. I know, judge away. After the movie ended, I longboarded back.

I still stand behind my stance. If I had drank some and just slept over at that person's place, I think I would have been fine. But because I came back and started/had to talk to people, my brain was all over the place. I saw the words that I had written/IM'ed people and wondered if I would have said the same thing, acted the same way if I had been completely sober.

In the end, am I glad I did it? I don't know. I don't think I'll do it again anytime soon, because I like being in complete control of my words and actions. I don't like the feeling of knowing that I might not be 100% myself and letting words loose from my mouth to people. At the same time, I didn't do anything I would have regret. Sure, if I was in a different environment, the story might have been different.

I feel like I can choose to when to "relax myself" when I'm sober though, and I don't want a few drinks to make me lose control of that. That is a PERSONAL opinion though. Some others may think differently, and I respect that.

Maybe the reason why I felt like I wasn't able to be in complete control because I have a hard time talking to people when there is an elephant in the room. For me, the elephant was the fact that I was tipsy. But I was so afraid the people I was talking to would judge me for it that I tried to put this fake conversation front up and not bring up alcohol as a topic.

I don't know. Did I make a mistake tonight? Probably. I hate lack of judgment, lack of coherence. Did I hurt anyone else in the process? No.